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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
JennyJenny8675309 · 10/02/2023 11:52

Hi, OP. It’s been several weeks now and I hope you’re doing well. You are a lovely person - it shows in all your posts.

I’m quite shy myself and have struggled with self-esteem issues most of my life but I’m older now and just won’t put up with any crap from people, men in particular. You’ve handled this whole sorry affair with dignity while at the same time cutting through the bullshit with a sharp knife. Well done!!

That said, the heartbreak is real and it has a way of shattering your self-worth so be kind to yourself as you recover.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/02/2023 12:40

Well done OP. You handled yourself well. Hopefully you will find someone who deserves you.

Mumsanetta · 10/02/2023 12:44

I don’t know you but I am so incredibly proud of you! You are clearly a kind, strong person and I have no doubt that you are good mum to your children. Wishing you all the best OP and I’ll be looking out for any updates you post.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/02/2023 13:00

OP, I have just read your thread today for the first time and I really admire how you have imposed strong boundaries, stuck to them and refused to roll over and be manipulated by this idiot and his moronic family. Well done!

Your posts should be read by anyone who worries they are being treated in a toxic manner. You have set an excellent example for how to remove yourself from this crazy situation with your dignity high.

I think this thread belongs in classics as a lesson for all for how not to be trampled on.

MeridianB · 10/02/2023 13:11

Just read all your updates, OP.

It may not feel like it right now but you and your children are so, so, SO much better off away from this user and his horrible family (cousin's wife excluded).

And I agree with PP, the fact they cut you out when you stopped one of them drink driving tells you everything you need to know. You're the better person by far.

Please stay strong - he will message you again if you don't block him, because you made his life easier. And he's a user.

JudgeJ · 10/02/2023 13:18

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/02/2023 09:32

Have to say that the cousin's wife who came to collect his stuff is marvellous. Putting his Cartier Watch on top of his pile of belongings is saying so much without words. She definitely had his number and I'm glad that she was kind to you and let you know that. Its good that a person who knows both sides in RL has shown you that she knows the others were wrong.

It's been a sad time for you OP - hope you will soon be feeling more relief than sadness, and put the blame in the right quarters.

Though as I would bet that someone in this awful family has been following this thread, she's, the cousin's wife, probably the next one to get the silent treatment from them!

JudgeJ · 10/02/2023 13:20

SoShallINever · 10/02/2023 11:23

And.....who has a Cartier watch when he can't even afford a phone?
That just says everything about the idiot.

I have a Rolex, $5 in Tijuana 15years ago, they had Cartier too at the same high price!

wheresthewine36 · 10/02/2023 13:21

Thank you all so much for your kindness. Whenever I'm doubting myself, I'll come back and read your messages for a morale boost.

I agree I need to work on my self-worth, not entirely sure how to do this at the moment but I'm holding on to the fact that I must have some strength to have let go of a man I am still in love with. The question that poses is why I fell in love with a man who treated me badly in the first place.

OP posts:
Goldpaw · 10/02/2023 13:22

Well done OP!!!

Flowers
whiteorchids44 · 10/02/2023 14:00

The question that poses is why I fell in love with a man who treated me badly in the first place.

Sometimes we don't realise it but we choose the love that we think we deserve.

I read the thread and your updates. You are amazing OP and well done on standing your ground. And good on you for working on yourself. Good luck with everything. x

ImAGummyBear · 10/02/2023 14:08

Just read the whole thread.
Wow! You’re amazing OP never forget that! You’re well rid of them all, and your text! I am in awe 👏

Crucible · 10/02/2023 16:06

I can understand precisely how it happened that you became involved with this man; when you have known his family for as long as you have, the temperament character and behaviour he displays gets muddled with the entire family. It's like you dated them all, all at once, because he was part of a bigger family unit all known to you. It gave you a sense of security I think. It means his behaviour had sort of soft and fuzzy edges to it for a long time - when someone is an unknown quantity (you don't know their Mum, Dad, brother, cousin..) you're more on your guard.
Don't blame yourself OP, it's completely normal.

FlowerArranger · 10/02/2023 16:17

wheresthewine36 · 10/02/2023 13:21

Thank you all so much for your kindness. Whenever I'm doubting myself, I'll come back and read your messages for a morale boost.

I agree I need to work on my self-worth, not entirely sure how to do this at the moment but I'm holding on to the fact that I must have some strength to have let go of a man I am still in love with. The question that poses is why I fell in love with a man who treated me badly in the first place.

You clearly have the strength, @wheresthewine36 - you just need some tools.

There's a couple of tried and tested books that might be helpful:

Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Maybe do the Freedom Programme as well.💐

Esmer123 · 10/02/2023 21:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SkyIsTheLimits · 10/02/2023 21:41

I’ve been in a similar situation & although it’s been years it still eats away at me. He knows, they all know. Chances are he doesn’t want the grief so he’s happy to sacrifice your feelings because he’s a coward & has no loyalty to you. I’d be furious & due to my situation being similar to yours I’m furious for you! Give this man a shake!!

wheresthewine36 · 10/02/2023 23:02

Wow.
He's back with his ex wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
kateandme · 10/02/2023 23:06

all in the mind luv. what would you think of someone who had managed to get through what you just have? hwat would you say or think of a loved one in the same situation? what would you say or think of them?
get a notebook and write to this person.call them your name and tell them all the above things. then realise that is you!! that person you said all the above in relation to is you!! so start saying iiiiii am to all the good stuff

lobeliasb · 10/02/2023 23:11

Wow, what a mug she must be!

Crucible · 10/02/2023 23:35

Well I'm sorry you've been put through it. She wasn't 'crazy' at all. They never are.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/02/2023 23:39

😳 - wow, I didn't see that one coming. But makes sense, it is the fastest way he can sponge off someone!!

pazwaz70 · 11/02/2023 00:00

wheresthewine36 · 10/02/2023 23:02

Wow.
He's back with his ex wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I've followed this thread but fuck me I never expected that!! Absolutely big hugs to you.

changeme4this · 11/02/2023 01:04

wheresthewine36 · 10/02/2023 23:02

Wow.
He's back with his ex wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Unbelievable ! (I mean I believe you, but wouldn’t have thought this would be the result).

How did you find out? Have they been seeing each other for a while or just since he needed his lunch made?

wheresthewine36 · 11/02/2023 01:17

Should have been more specific, he's back with his first ex-wife (he's been married twice). The ex-wife who went on to have a child with his step-brother 😯 His cousin has posted photos of them on Facebook tonight with "The golden couple" as the title.
What in the Jeremy Kyle?! If the photos were posted with any intention to make me jealous, they have had the opposite effect. I cannot believe I allowed myself and my children to be involved with this bunch of lunatics!

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 01:29

wheresthewine36 · 11/02/2023 01:17

Should have been more specific, he's back with his first ex-wife (he's been married twice). The ex-wife who went on to have a child with his step-brother 😯 His cousin has posted photos of them on Facebook tonight with "The golden couple" as the title.
What in the Jeremy Kyle?! If the photos were posted with any intention to make me jealous, they have had the opposite effect. I cannot believe I allowed myself and my children to be involved with this bunch of lunatics!

Op seriously why in god’s name did you get involved with this guy? He is a one man episode of Eastenders. Set your sights higher next time and forget this absolute loser.

lobeliasb · 11/02/2023 01:50

Is this guy exceptionally good looking? How is he convincing women to support him? I'm genuinely curious

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