Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

That's so nice of her. How are you feeling?

Excellent! So one member of his family who is decent, kind, and honest! And well done, Op, you handled yourself with class. You deserve someone who is equally classy ❤️

@cpphelp Mostly angry now. Angry at myself more than anything, because I let myself be fooled. I'm not a completely unintelligent woman so there really is no excuse for how wilfully blind I have been to his true nature. I also feel guilty for allowing him to live with my children and fir the example I set to them by allowing him to treat me so badly. Also angry that despite all this, I still feel sad.

@MysteryBelle She's a lovely woman so it meant a lot to know she hasn't swallowed whatever story they're telling. I didn't say a word to her about what's been going on so she has come to her own (accurate) conclusions without any input from me.

@MysteryBelle Thank you x
@cpphelp Thanks for asking x

Wonderful to hear @wheresthewine36 !!

The only people deserving of your anger are your ex and his family. Don't let them take more of your life. You have shown your kids strength and self respect.

I've just seen your update about why they were behaving like this. I can't believe them all.

Your reply to his brother's GF was beyond brilliant. Your are clearly a very intelligent woman, who articulates herself so eloquently.

I may have missed it, but why can't he see his kids without being in a relationship with you?

@wheresthewine36 - I don’t think ex’s mum is as lovely as you think. I think she has enabled her son by deliberately throwing the parasitic lump at a vulnerable young woman. She picked you for him. I bet he has form for this shit too. She enables her dysfunctional family to continue illegal behaviour that endangers their lives, their children’s lives and those of the public. She punishes by removing affection - typical of narcissistic parents and she expects adoration and obeisance at all times. You didn’t play her game so you were shut down and cut out.

@Fraaahnces - I think op was referring to her ex's cousin's wife, not his mum, when she was saying she was lovely.

Oh sorry. Glad someone was worth the oxygen! X

Why are you in this relationship?

This.

@gumball37 She's not any more. Go to the 1st post and click on See all to read all the OP's posts, and you'll see things have moved on quite some way since then.

You need to end it. He knows why they aren’t talking to you. He’s likely told them he’s going to break up with you so they are pulling away and not making any effort with you.

You need to leave. They are all treating you terribly and it would be apparent to your children too.

i know very few of the woman who are abused or gaslit or treated badly op who are fools,not inteligent or bad people.its often the opposite. please dont think badly of yourself. focus on forward now

Glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and left him. He was a freeloader and you dodged a bullet.

His mother is also bad for allowing that minor problem to break up the family dynamic. Block them all!

You sound lovely and you handled the situation perfectly.
They really don’t deserve you.

@SandyY2K Thanks. Now he isn't living with me, he will be unable to live locally to his children as he won't be able to afford to private rent in this area. He does, however, have a brother who lives locally so (as they describe themselves as a close-knit family) it would be feasible for him to travel to see his children there every other weekend. That won't happen though.

I will miss his children and I hate that I have just disappeared from their lives overnight. God knows what they will be told about the situation.

@Intrepidescape @gumball37 I ended the relationship.

@Cherry35 @TimeforacuppaT @kateandme Thank you x

Op you are doing brilliantly. I also feel bad for the children but nothing you can do. On the other hand, I bet YOUR children are thrilled?!

OP you are one amazing lady, I wish more people had the strength you have. Move forward and you'll soon truly realise you had a lucky escape.

OP,
Allow yourself a rollixing so that you learn from this, build your boundaries and secure them.

That will mean this experience, though painful, will have had some value in your life.

It is a rare person who doesn't have regrets.

Learning from our mistakes is what makes us human.

Take this time to heal and model something very different to your children and they absolutely will benefit from it.

Don't waste an extended period beating yourself up as that will add nothing to your family life.

His children are his responsibility.
You have more than enough on your plate to feel responsible for, so taking on responsibilities for other people's child and feeling guilty is doing you and your family more harm than good.

I would go so far as to say it is these emotions that got you into this situation in the first place, so be wary of them.

User losers seek out empathetic women with poor boundaries and very quickly make THEIR problems, YOURS to solve.
They really are NOT.

His housing issues are nothing to do with you.

If his seeing his children is dependent on random women facilitating it, then it just reinforces what a complete loser he is.

Take responsibility for what is yours and give a hard swerve on what is not.

Better days are ahead for you and your children.

I think it might be something he’s said to them…

This is such good advice. You’ve ended it with him in a dignified and classy way. You should be proud of yourself for your actions rather than berating yourself. This has been a brilliant life lesson in boundaries and you can move on in the knowledge that you will be a better parent for it.

I understand that it is sad you won’t see his children anymore. However, you cannot save everyone and have put yourself and your children’s needs first, which is as it should be. Hopefully they will have gained from having you in their lives, however brief, and will in time look upon the time you spent with them with fondness.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

OP, you have enough on your plate as it is to worry about. You have 3 DC of your own. It is not your responsibility to house, look out for his DC's welfare, supply him with a phone, look out for his MH issues, his debts and worry about his dysfunctional family. Honestly, where do you get the time?

What's with the "Cartier" watch? Is he an investment banker getting 500K annual bonus? You say he has credit issues so I take it he is really bad with money? Again, the Cartier watch. WTAF. Is he some kind of manchild that thinks it makes him look good? Why isn't he using that money to help his DC?

You are WELL rid of him and his family. You need to focus on your DC now and yourself. Having a man is not the be-all and end-all you know. Expand your female social circle and take up some hobbies for now. The last thing you need is another emotional and financial vampire in your life.

Don't waste any more time on any of them. Block them all. They are no longer your issue. Be relieved that you have offloaded a shower of shite.