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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

SheldonsShoulder · 01/02/2023 22:22

Bravo OP 👏🏻. Good for you. Stay strong.

Turkeyneck101 · 02/02/2023 06:08

OP ..I think, you've just earned yourself the equivalent of a mumsnet standing ovation !!

MichelleScarn · 02/02/2023 06:26

Fantastic @wheresthewine36 absolutely stellar response. They have absolutely evidenced you were basically being used as a support human/contact centre to enable this waste of space of an ex having clearly manipulated you from the beginning ata very fragile point of your life. Brava indeed!!

kateandme · 02/02/2023 06:39

We all have things we need to work on op.that doesn't smear you as a person.
What's happened still doesn't mean that you are bad. It means people saw a vulnerability in you and played on it.
You've seen that.
But there is resources to help you grow and find that belief in yourself.uze them.
You can make friend's. I promise you.you sound awesome.the ONLY thing stopping you now is your self. And your beliefs about yourself.
But and it's a big But.many people ha e those issues, self esteem or trust and trauma type things going on and still have friend's,still go ha e a fully functioning, fulfilled life. Not every bastard family takes advantages.
So don't think just because those people behaved this way that you need to change to attract the good ones. You just need to believe in you more. Look at the outcome here when you finally stood up for you. You've showed them whose boss.and come out a winner.keep going with that.you can do this. You've proven it right here.
This js on them not you.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 02/02/2023 16:52

This shall now be known as The Great Escape. Well done OP, for getting shut of the manchild and the rest of his oddball family and for standing up for yourself! I bloody love it

Inkpotlover · 03/02/2023 08:50

How are you doing, wheresthewine36? Hope your ex and his toxic family have backed off now.

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 03/02/2023 11:50

@Inkpotlover I haven't heard anything from any of them since my reply. The phone hasn't been returned either so I've blocked it today. Bracing myself for that to start them off but I will suggest that if they are concerned by his lack of phone, any one of them could get him a contract in their name...and pay the bill. Somehow, I don't think there will be any takers for that idea.

OP posts:

TrashyPanda · 03/02/2023 12:00

Stay strong.

you are an incredible woman.

kateandme · 03/02/2023 12:03

Yep stay strong. When they're realising what they lost.the back pedal might begin 😏

Inkpotlover · 03/02/2023 12:03

wheresthewine36 · 03/02/2023 11:50

Glad they've left you alone and well done for staying so strong! Honestly, you are such an amazing role model for your kids and for other women who are in the same situation but can't see a way out.

Cosyblankets · 03/02/2023 12:08

Well done on that message to them!
Well done for standing up for yourself.

RampantIvy · 03/02/2023 13:02

Why were you responsible for his phone in the first place?

euff · 03/02/2023 13:11

Has someone picked up his stuff?

Bonheurdupasse · 03/02/2023 13:48

Please report the phone as stolen!

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 03/02/2023 19:01

@euff @Bonheurdupasse No, his stuff is all still here, packed and waiting. They can arrange to get it back...and drop the phone at the same time. No phone, no stuff. There's a Cartier watch in there so he needs to choose wisely.

@RampantIvy Because I'm an idiot. He couldn't get a contract due to bad credit history so I got it for him. I know, I know 🤦‍♀️

@Cosyblankets @Inkpotlover @kateandme @TrashyPanda Thank you x

OP posts:

ShellsOnTheBeach · 03/02/2023 19:29

Make sure you hand the Cartier watch over separately from the rest of his stuff!

I wouldn't trust this lot as far as I can throw them.

MysteryBelle · 03/02/2023 20:32

ShellsOnTheBeach · 03/02/2023 19:29

Make sure you hand the Cartier watch over separately from the rest of his stuff!

I wouldn't trust this lot as far as I can throw them.

Agree w this. Make sure you take video maybe from your phone in one hand of you handing over the Cartier watch or he or his hideous mother will accuse you of stealing it. And have witnesses too.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/02/2023 20:59

Well fucking done you! Am so impressed!

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 03/02/2023 21:56

Don't be too impressed, ladies, I've spent most of this evening crying. I may sound like my resolve is iron amd I'm completely over him but I'm heartbroken, which sounds excessively dramatic for a woman of my age but it's the only word I can think of to describe how I feel. And I know a big part of this is me, because its not the fist time I've suddenly realised the relationship I'm in is totally one-sided. I have a horrible habit of seeing what I want to see I people rather than what they are showing me and I'm scared this is going to make me bitter. Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 03/02/2023 22:31

Of course you're heartbroken
That doesn't take away from the fact that you did the right thing

changeme4this · 04/02/2023 01:54

So proud You got through the practical stuff WTW 36. Time to spend time being kind to yourself now. Are you able to go away for the weekend? Change of scenery etc?

Any friends you could catch up with? Somewhere you can just flop and let it all flow out….

sending hugs xx

kateandme · 04/02/2023 02:54

of course your feeling like you are. this wasnt just him. it was his whole family that meant so much to you. that in a way was your cushion,safety. the people you placed your worth on almost. the people you perhpas used to fill the gap in your "cared for" heart? so now you might feel like well what now,and who now. this big group of people you thought loved you have gone.
but did they love you. or did they see this vulnerable woman who needed that love who craved it( no wrong thing) and they took advantage of you and used you. read of all theyve taken from you. what really did they give freely?
you arent alone. but you can be on your own from this lot.
you need t keep getting yourself out there.even if its to a park or cafe to see other people smiling at you.
get your new people. you no how to do that.youve just felt cacooned by this family andf they used that.
your not alone though. big wide world and all that.
and its ok to cry.
your grieving. not just him but the whole clan.

plus there will be some anger and betraylel in there too. angry tears lol.
let it all out. but dont let it fdrown you.that where they ARE NOT worth it.
you can let yourself be sad but then never ever let them win that part of you. take control and start living how you want to. focus on the things that bring you joy. what can you do this weekedn that brings you joy. big or small. write a little list and pick something.go do that. feel the freedom of their weight off your shoulders.

Zoezoo · 04/02/2023 07:44

Maybe your strength in dealing with this situation will make you realise that you're capable of so much more but, more importantly, WORTH so much more and in any future relationship you'll be less tolerant of all the crap and hopefully get the relationship you truly deserve. Take some time to look after you for a change! ❤

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 07/02/2023 19:39

His clothes were collected by his cousins wife on Sunday, she also dropped off the phone. She took a photo of all his bags in her boot, with his Cartier watch on top and sent it to me. She gave me a hug, told me she was sorry for the way I've been treated and that she is proud of me.

OP posts:

Schnooze · 07/02/2023 19:48

So real validation that you are doing the right thing and the family are psycho.

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