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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 10/02/2023 09:11

I have just read all your posts OP and I think you are doing great.

You will have had some great advice im sure but I my tuppence worth is to suggest you work on your boundaries and self worth. Take some time for you, and time to get over this awful family and their man child.

Fancylike · 10/02/2023 09:12

Popping in to say you handled this whole sorry mess splendidly. Well done on extracting yourself, you’re a badarse woman and a great example for your children. Wishing you all the best for a supportive and equal relationship in the future.

Glitteratitar · 10/02/2023 09:13

I’ve only just seen this thread and I am amazed by you OP. You are such a strong woman! Well done on putting you and your children first and doing the right thing.

It is completely normal to have moments where you will feel sad or heartbroken as despite you being well rid, a relationship with someone you love is over. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel that way. Sending you lots of good wishes!

Deathraystare · 10/02/2023 09:32

Aww. You are awesome!

Loved the letter. There is one thing to regret....that you were not a fly on the wall when the letter was read!!!

Keep strong. You know you did the right thing!

Good luck in the future!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/02/2023 09:32

Have to say that the cousin's wife who came to collect his stuff is marvellous. Putting his Cartier Watch on top of his pile of belongings is saying so much without words. She definitely had his number and I'm glad that she was kind to you and let you know that. Its good that a person who knows both sides in RL has shown you that she knows the others were wrong.

It's been a sad time for you OP - hope you will soon be feeling more relief than sadness, and put the blame in the right quarters.

Santasoorplooms · 10/02/2023 09:50

well done OP you’re a hero 👌

Iknowthisfeeling · 10/02/2023 09:56

A similar thing happened to me, I was also the only one in our family who didn’t receive a birthday card from his family over the last couple of years, it wasn’t until I overheard my husband on the phone to his Mum telling her he didn’t want to be with me anymore that it all started to make sense, I’m sure he divulged a lot before that point too.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/02/2023 10:00

Amybelle88 · 29/01/2023 23:09

He's an absolutely spineless shitbag.

I'm mortified that he can sit in their company and not stand on for you. It doesn't even have to be an argument - it's just a question.

You should have asked yourself years ago - MIL advice is bollocks as it was already and still is 'causing trouble' - is it only trouble for them that counts? Are you just not factored in with any importance that it's not ok to cause trouble for you?

They sound like an odd family. Find out for your own peace of mind and then stay away by choice.

This - I think he probably knows what his family is behaving like this, but even if he doesn't he should be taking your side.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/02/2023 10:01

Iknowthisfeeling · 10/02/2023 09:56

A similar thing happened to me, I was also the only one in our family who didn’t receive a birthday card from his family over the last couple of years, it wasn’t until I overheard my husband on the phone to his Mum telling her he didn’t want to be with me anymore that it all started to make sense, I’m sure he divulged a lot before that point too.

Hell's teeth!

What a tw*t!

I hope you took the initiative and dumped him first.

Tallyhodavey · 10/02/2023 10:05

I’ll bet he has blamed you for something. And doesn’t want to have to admit it. What a spineless so and so if that’s the case!

lobeliasb · 10/02/2023 10:13

You just have to laugh at the audacity of this family! Are they losers in other obvious ways that you have overlooked in the past? I can't imagine that this is a fully functioning, productive, non-scheming, law abiding family in general. Good job, you're well rid them all.

LAMPS1 · 10/02/2023 10:22

They couldn’t be clearer that they want him and his children but not you and yours.
He wants to keep you and yours but really also still wants them round the corner in his life too and he can’t risk upsetting them.
He wants you to shut up and stop asking about the mystery because he is loved by everybody for now and he wants to keep it that way. it isn’t a problem to him that they cut you out so suddenly and it isn’t a problem to them either, all as long as you stay quiet and don’t ask any more. Your hurt doesn’t matter to any of them including him. They can live easily without you and they don’t even think about you any more. They were ignorant not to acknowledge your gifts. And they want to keep their secret to themselves for whatever reason.
They all know something that you don’t know including him for sure.
And nobody is willing to say what it is. That can only be because it’s so bad that it would cause major upset to them and to him and it would maybe make you leave him anyway.

Your mind must be in absolute turmoil wondering what is so bad that you can’t be told.
I would be thinking the following….
He won’t tell me. He is lying by omission. He doesn’t care about my state of mind because the missing fact is so potentially massive and my state of mind would be even worse knowing what it is. I can’t stay here not knowing what it is as I would only be pretending to be happy with his hurtful disloyalty which isn’t healthy for me or my children. So therefore I’m going to walk away now and give myself some space to heal and leave them all to it, keeping their dirty secret safe amongst themselves and well away from me and my dc. I don’t want to taint our lives with their ignorance any longer. It’s over with him and with them too.

Or you could bravely confront your in laws and insist they put the truth on the table. Blow it up. It might not be as big as your mind is making out or it might cause you to walk away anyway.

Either way, he is lying to you and clearly rates you lower than his family and their secret.

Personally, I would take the least stressful option for my own little family which for me, would be to walk away asap and not bother asking any more. I would assume they just don’t like me any more …so what, I don’t like their behaviour any more either. But I get how difficult that would be for you because they have sort have been your family since you were a child. Good luck OP.

UnfinishedBusiness · 10/02/2023 10:28

@LAMPS1 its always a good idea to at least read all the ops updates.

Just seen this post, well done op. They sound a complete nightmare, you in the other hand sound lovely. 💐

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 10/02/2023 10:29

Well done OP. Life's too short for shit like that (and I am very impressed, crying or not)

LAMPS1 · 10/02/2023 10:44

Sorry OP, I hadn’t kept up with all your posts.
But well done….wise decision !

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/02/2023 11:02

Well done @wheresthewine36. That is a really articulate message you sent to the twunts, and I am wishing I had been able to send something similar to my XH's family. Stay strong.

When you are up to it, might be worth googling 'shark theory' if you're not already familiar with it. Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2023 11:11

Well done for your strength. You've made the right choice.
Their reason for cutting you off is ludicrous. At least now you know you can move on knowing 100% the fault is with the lot of them.

No wonder they didn't want to tell you though. How do you say we hate you because you prevented us from driving while drunk without sounding like a complete wanker?

I bet he knew all along.

SoShallINever · 10/02/2023 11:21

Well done. You are a blooming inspiration.
They are not worthy of having you in their lives.
Childish morons.

SoShallINever · 10/02/2023 11:23

And.....who has a Cartier watch when he can't even afford a phone?
That just says everything about the idiot.

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/02/2023 11:29

Well done - you are amazing

Porkyporkchop · 10/02/2023 11:35

I suspect your own DH is a sh@t stirrer and he has been telling them things about you, that is why you are advised not to call it out. I would go straight to the sister, ask her directly - no more of this nonsense. Otherwise end it with him as he is clearly an antagonist and betraying your trust.

2bazookas · 10/02/2023 11:35

Of course he has asked (or been told) and knows why you've been excluded. They all do. He's just not telling you.

Probably (as DP said) it has nothing to do with you, what they are keeping from you is some dark family secret or shame that they don't want you to find out about. Because they know you won't accept it, nor will you sign up to their sworn silence and cover-up.

I suspect it's something your partner has done or is involved in and is keeping from you because he knows you would leave. Maybe connected to his ex.

If you really want to know, I'd ask SIL direct. Maybe the reason she dropped your shared plan , then ignored to your message, and dropped contact, is that she refused or could not bear to lie to your face. That's why MIL warned you not to ask her.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2023 11:43

*Now he isn't living with me, he will be unable to live locally to his children as he won't be able to afford to private rent in this area. He does, however, have a brother who lives locally so (as they describe themselves as a close-knit family)

Close-knit by mouth only.

it would be feasible for him to travel to see his children there every other weekend. That won't happen though.

The question is...how much does he really want to see his kids..if he can't be bothered to make the effort.

You're well better off without the lot of them.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/02/2023 11:44

Well done OP - both on the very reason they are excluding you and for the way you are standing up for yourself now.

I'm concerned that the cousin's wife will be next. Groups of people like that need a target to exclude/bully and help unite the rest of them.

Wishing you the kind of partner you deserve and a full and happy life ahead.

Porkyporkchop · 10/02/2023 11:46

Oh my, just read entire thread. You are Amazing. Seriously, amazing.