AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Also, try teaching her some mindfulness meditation. Look up youtube videos to see how to do it. It is good for self-comforting skills. Another thing you can do together.

Getting her to stop coming to you after bedtime will be harder because her full skills at getting you to serve her will come into play. So you might start a new thread on that and get some ideas. Generally, what I was always told is, minimise attention. Oh you need a glass of water? No arguing about how she already drank water, can't possibly be thirsty, will just have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The arguing is what she wants because it is a form of attention. Just turn her around and walk her back to bed. But there are a lot of details to how to do it effectively so I can't really go into all that right now.

Well seeing as OP has a 9 year old, she’s already successfully parented a newborn and a 3 year old. So what’s the point of your post?

OP has the shown the patience of a saint on this thread. It’s like knobhead season on here.

We had 50/50 care for a while when she was in primary one and a bit of primary two but he was sending her to school looking really messy and without jacket, tights etc. and was constantly late with her so I took full custody, he agreed.

If you are used to only having her 50/50 then it’s understandable that you are struggling to cope with her now that you have her much more.

Although I get that you were looking out for her, I don’t think looking messy or being late to school should have resulted in stopping the 50/50.
Instead the school should have got involved and told him that he needs to be on time etc.
It is not for you to make it easier for him to parent when he is just as much of a parent as you are.

I actually think that at 9 she is old enough to start to learn that other people have needs too. You are right to give her attention, but could you say to her that you will do X with her, then you will need some time to relax quietly. I have done this with my DC, who is similar, in that he never stops talking or moving. He has got quite good over the years, to the point where he will now (mid teens) spot when I am tired and don't want to talk any more, and sit quietly with me. Don't feel guilty for needing some down time, it is entirely normal.

I was like that as a kid and to certain extend as an adult. I hate silence so always have an AirPod in or Alexa on. Can you split your time so say from 9pm she goes to bed with a drink and movie so you get some peace? Sat in the living room with DS he's got his switch on, the TV is on and I'm also on my phone so I don't necessarily think it gets better if that's her personality

Yeah I had a newborn, 3 year old and 5 year old. My mum had three under four. But neither of us were single parents with a mentally ill parent and little to no support so it doesn't matter what we experienced does it?

I think it's also usually expected that by 9 years old you can have a bit of autonomy in comparison to the baby years and for your child to be a bit more independent.

Sorry I haven't responded to every single comment but just to let you know I am reading them and there's been loads of good ideas I'm going to jot down! I admit I do need to be firmer in my approach. Thank you for the support and advice

I think you sound like a lovely Mum OP, I am the same as you and need my "alone time" to recharge. I have 2 DDs, and the eldest has always been like you describe your DD. She can't sit still and needs constant entertainment, which she used to usually look to me for! Happily, now at nearly 16, DD1 has numerous hobbies and interests, so although I spend lots of time ferrying her here, there and everywhere, she gets a lot of the stimulation she needs from other people - although it also means we still get lots of time for one on one chats when we're in the car together.

DD2 is a different kettle of fish - she's 14 and has only really in the last year started coming out of her shell and forming close friendships, where she likes to go out and do things with them, and have sleepovers etc.. DD2 is more like me, in that she needs at least one day at the weekend where we have very little planned and she can just chill out.

It does seem as if you have had lots of fantastic advice on this thread, I just wanted to tell you that it does seem to get better with age!

Would she sit with you snuggling up watching a film with some treats?
Can you get her into any clubs? Youth club?

@Lacey247

it could be more difficult you say …and ?! So?!

Everyone saying op should find a film both she and her daughter want to watch

like what?!

what film will appeal equally to both an adult and a nine year old?!

Enchanted, Jurassic park, back to the future, ghostbusters
To name a few
It's more that mum will be able to sit and relax than what's on and they get cuddling time

It doesn't need to appeal to them both equally.

If it engrosses the 9yo, mum can switch off for a while and just relax - maybe even have a nap if she's lucky.

@merlotlover

those are kids films

@whataboutsecondbreakfast
some kids would want you focused on the film with them though. So if op was to be on her phone or napping her daughter may lose interest.

I never mentioned being on her phone?

Sitting in silence and watching a film is much less stressful than just cuddling up on the sofa under some blankets with a bowl of popcorn and maybe some pizza.

Certainly it's much less stressful than having to sit and watch the same gymnastics moves over and over again.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

but what about if op just wants to watch something that she wants to watch - eg love island or whatever

or what if she needs to do the housework or whatever

surely kids at nine can just watch a film on their own whilst their parents do what they need to or want to ?

I don't disagree?

I was just saying that watching a kids film for a couple of hours is much easier than doing something more interactive, even if it's not a film you particularly enjoy.

Personally I wouldn't be watching something like Love Island with a 9yo awake in the house - that's something I'd save for when they're in bed.

It sounds as though she likes to keep busy. Would she do something like a jigsaw or Lego or anything like that?

Sorry OP but from what you've written, yeah - you're a shit mum.
Your daughter is a normal nine year old. Full of beans, and wanting the attention of her mum. You can't be doing with any of that, and just want to watch TV. That's shit.

I'm a single mum, I get that it's hard work. I don't always (ever) feel like putting my game face on and faking interest in childlike nonsense. But you know what, I do. Because my relationship with my daughter will be critical in determining how she feels about herself. Mum not interested, and wants to watch TV rather than engage with me = I'm not worthy etc etc.

Do better. This is entirely within your control.

Have you read the updates from the OP?

She clearly describes the huge amount of quality one to one time she spends with her daughter.
This post was saying that she just needs a bit of a break from it now and again.
Thats nothing to make her feel bad about.

I don't know if my prior post got lost or what but the point of family film night is not to watch something you both like. It's to have something the child can look forward to and once it ends the child goes to bed. Giving you the rest of the evening to chill out. So family film night must (a) start at a specific time, early enough so that you will have free time afterwards , (b) end at an early time and (c) it must be respected by the child that once family film is over, the child is to go to bed and not disturb parents any more for the evening. For the parent, it means that it makes it a bit easier to push through that difficult Saturday afternoon when you are tired, because you are going to get a little downtime after child goes to bed.

Kids don't understand that parents have needs. That is ok. Do you want your child saying, "No, mom, it's ok that I don't have enough to eat, you go ahead and eat our last crust of bread." No you don't want that. It's normal and healthy for kids to be selfish. But that doesn't mean parents have to become doormats after they have kids. Parents have to do self-care too. But a parent can't rely on the kid to know when the parent needs self-care or to be happy about it. So family film night is a way to set a boundary with the child that is loving but still firm.

Sanctimonious shite.
Take no notice, OP

Do you feel better about yourself after witting such an unpleasant and unnecessary post?

This place is full of trolls stirring up trouble and disharmony.