AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Your ex needs to have her every weekend or help out in the week. He’s taking the piss out of you. No wonder you feel this way. Fucking men

It sounds like she needs some boundaries.

Mine is 7 and I was relieved to read this as we’ve had a similar Sunday!

eventually I told her if she wanted me to do something for her she had to first do something I’ve been asking her to do and write at least 4 Thankyou cards for her recent birthday. Which she did with a face like absolute thunder but I got a quiet hour!

@Endlesssummer2022 missing children that you love makes you a weirdo? Ok. High bar.

I don't disagree that the ex should be stepping up more, but that's not the discussion here.

OP has her children two weekends a month and after school. She usually has every other weekend off. DD goes to gymnastics on a Saturday, a club after school on Monday and also plays with other children in the street. I think OP has a lot of "me time".

I don't see how she doesn't get any time for herself. That's the point really. And she seems to be really unreasonable with her expectations for a 9 yr old child who has no siblings.

Parenting can be knackering but you don't get to chill on the sofa all day without offering any input to your child. Especially when you've had all yesterday to yourself.

All of this is unrelated to the fact that the ex isn't pulling his weight and also put her on the spot unfairly.

Let's be honest - if this was a single dad who wanted to sit on the sofa and watch the football all day, he'd be absolutely slaughtered by MN.

OP needs to be more structure around bedtimes, and to have better strategies for parenting for the days when she feels tired.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You need time to unwind.

But you just need to manage her expectations and need for attention better eg designate certain times where she has your complete focus for playing together, watching her gymnastics, etc.

It's perfectly fine to say 'I'm busy. Go read/dance/do a jigsaw.' Or alternatively offer that she can cuddle up beside you with some popcorn.

@StalkedByASpider have you ever been a single parent? I totally relate to OP- you get into a rhythm and having it broken is draining. As a single parent you’re ‘on’ all the time, it’s a heavy mental load.

I would work on building her confidence and giving her little responsibility.
Will she go off and read a book or watch a film? Maybe you could structure times in to do things with her but on the understanding she's entertaining herself at other times.
My daughter's pretty needy and I find it hard esp as I have her all the time. But she will go off and play or do tasks like put her washing away. It's mainly that she doesn't stop talking.

I think you need to put some more boundaries in place, starting with bedtime. If you have tour evenings to yourself you will have more patience the next day.

BUT I don't think you should expect dd to entertain herself all day! Start small, eg with half an hour, and go from there.

And your ex didn't deal with this well. He should have asked you by yourself about swapping days, NOT when dd was there, so I'd talk to him about that.

Maybe she needs more activities - two activities a week doesn't seem that much to me. My 6 year old does three clubs after school (gardening, football and gymnastics), swimming, Beavers, and another football class. Sounds like a lot but he is a high energy extrovert and this level of activity keeps him vaguely civilised.

@herapotomus Hard outdoor exercise !
cycling, walking, running- Wear her out,
That constantly on the go “ Look at me” is often boredom.
spend quality time, then they are tired out.

Parenting can be knackering but you don't get to chill on the sofa all day without offering any input to your child. Especially when you've had all yesterday to yourself.

Hmm, at nine I would expect to be able to do this occasionally, to be honest @StalkedByASpider .

I certainly had quite a few Sundays growing up where I was expected to just entertain myself because my parents had work or chores to be getting on with. I'm not scarred for life because my parents weren't offering me constant entertainment and company.

From your username to the content of your comment, @CanofCant - you sound excellent.

Yep. Biological dad pissed off when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Never saw him again and he's never contributed financially.

I gave birth to twins prematurely as a single parent. At the time I was also caring solely for my dad who was terminally ill with a neurological progressive condition who then developed cancer. And due to my babies' prematurity and health needs, I had to quit my job and set up a business to pay my mortgage -while doing all of that single handedly.

It also transpired that my twins were both SEN - autism, ADHD, Dyspraxia and other conditions. They're now 13yrs old and DS is still in nappies - just to give you some insight into how high his needs are. Things were extremely difficult for the first few years.

I was a single mum with twin babies, both with SEN who didn't sleep, no support from family, while caring for my dad, and setting up a business on a full-time basis.

I now have a DP but he's not their dad and obviously hasn't been around their whole life. I'm their primary carer and I still do everything for them. I still work full time in my business, and I have done so for the last 13 years. My dad has sadly now passed but I'm now caring for my mum too (who has cerebral palsy but has had a heart attack and is just unwell generally). Plus no special school places so I have to home educate my two DC too (for the past three years).

But this isn't a pissing contest. I'm only giving some details because you asked me if I know what it's like. My point is that I absolutely know with every inch of my being how difficult things can be. Which is why on my original post I suggested a range of strategies that can help.

I'm not here to slaughter OP, I posted with suggestions to help. But I don't think she's being reasonable, and I don't think she's being fair to her DD. And I speak from a place of knowing exactly what it's like and how hard it is.

Every second weekend to myself is something I could only dream of. My dd 10 is with me constantly and I never get a break. She's autistic too so very hard work. I would love the odd Friday/Saturday night to myself.

Could your daughter's behaviour in part have been caused by her dad bailing on their limited time together? I know as a kid I would take stuff out on my mum, even though it wasn't her fault, as the other parent wasn't there enough to blame?

I think honestly it depends on the child. It depends on whether they have siblings. Or friends to play with and chat to.

My expectations are wonky because both of mine have SEN and can't do this. So I don't really know what's "normal". But if I was guessing, I would say that if you have a sole child who has no other company that day, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect the parent to offer some input - whether it's an activity (that the child could do alone) or watching a film together etc.

It's much easier if there's a sibling around.

Also, I don't think anyone is suggesting that DD would be scarred for life. I just think that OP had time to herself the day before, and she normally has every other weekend to herself. Also, she wasn't doing anything essential like work or chores - sometimes there's no alternative and then that's just how life is. As you say, it won't kill anyone. I think OP needs to have better strategies and lots of PP on this thread have made some really good suggestions.

I'm genuinely not here to be an arse, or to kick someone for a laugh. That's not what I'm about. I feel a bit sorry for OP's DD, and I think that OP has a lot more time to herself than she seems to think. Just being honest.

I also think that if the OP's DD messes about at bedtime, it might feel as if she has less time. So that is definitely something to prioritise, and to have clear boundaries over. Might take a while to firmly establish but would be really helpful to OP, I think.

And yes a few PPS have mentioned that four childfree days a month are better than none but more likely that is time OP uses to catch up on jobs, housework etc rather than relax or take care of herself.

But that’s through choice.

She could choose to spend those days lying on the sofa eating ice cream or however she wants to and then do the housework and catch up on jobs in the evenings when her DD is home like every other parent does.

The ex situation is a completely different issue.
He should not have agreed to work when he had his DD.

But it doesn’t matter if he has his DD 25/75, 50/50 or never at all - as a parent it’s extremely lazy to not want to interact with your child because you want to watch TV.
And it’s especially lazy when you’ve just had a full day and night to yourself to binge watch TV.

You shouldn’t need to give your child attention 24/7 but when they’ve not seen you for a day or 2, they are of course going to be extra clingy at first.
Turn off the TV and parent your child.

Have you alway entertained her from a very young age ?

Has she always had this attention type of personality ?

She sounds extremely rude to you.
As for you telling her you're grumpy.....nope.
You need to tell her that adults are allowed time to relax.

The thing is if you've always allowed this behaviour, it's going to be difficult to break.

Her Dad should be ashamed at choosing work over his child.
Why is he only having her every other weekend.......to play at Daddy.

And no you're not a shit Mum.

Yeah, it's always something I worry about, I never what her to think that I'm not interested in her but when I'm watching the same gymnastics move for the 100,000 time it's tiresome. But to answer your question, yeah I really do give her loads of undivided attention. I will sit, tv off, phone in other room and she will ask me to tell her gymnastics moves to do. So I do that and really praise her and tell her how fab her moves are etc, we play board games frequently, we have our best chats in the car, I take her shopping and for breakfast/lunch/dinner just us two, we watch films (although she can't sit through one), we do dances. Like I really, really do try because I never had that with my mum. But it's sometimes just too much.

Meh - I was an only child with no other children on my road.

I was still expected to keep myself entertained and occupied without input from my parents - and if I'd behaved in the way OP's DD has done, I'd have been sent to my room and/or had my pocket money taken off me for rudeness and disobedience.

I really don't think anyone needs to feel sorry for a 9yo just because she was expected to entertain herself for a day. It was a one-off, it's not like OP expects her to do it all the time.

OP may have time without her DD, but I suspect it's spend doing housework, organising food shopping, sorting out life admin etc - I doubt she spends every other weekend lying in bed watching re-runs of SATC and eating chocolate!

IMO it also doesn't matter if OP is doing housework, working from home or just watching TV. A 9yo is more than capable of respecting boundaries and keeping themselves busy for a while. I have many memories of my mum spending Sunday afternoons watching Star Trek and my choices were either to sit and watch it with her (in silence) or go off and do my own thing

I hear you, OP. I love my 9-y-o DD to bits but sometimes she’s just too much. She’s quite good at taking a hint though/amusing herself, so I’m afraid I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say I get it…

I’m still waiting for my eyes to roll back into their correct position.
What a shitty and pointless contribution to the thread.

Couldn’t agree more! It‘s not a competition for god’s sake!

Yanbu. They’re all different and my ds (now 10) was and is quite like this. Much more so than dd who is 2! He plays Minecraft with friends sometimes and that gives me some quiet time. Can you work out something to do with her that gives you quieter time but makes her feel like you are spending time together. Things I do with ds are finding a series or films that we both quite like and watching them together. We’ve watched Just add magic (on prime) that your dd might enjoy plus camp Cretaceous (Netflix), the humankind films, king fu panda films and tv series, Rampage and a few others. Also colouring where you actually do your own picture, crafts of any sort Lego etc can work but the key is that you’re doing it separately but side by side.