AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Gosh there's a lot of angry bitter keyboard warriors about tonight.
OP just ignore them.
You came on and asked for some ideas. I hope you can see them in the midst of the absolute shite that is on the thread.

No. Its just people who disagree. Have a different opinion you're a troll. Have it worse and its a race to the bottom.

My dd is the same as this. I have boundaries though. I have things to do and enjoy my down time. I think if the op really looked at her situation she would realise the only person who can sort this is her.

She's crying out for attention because she wants comfort from you. She's obviously insecure and just wants reassurance. I get that you need you want some peace, but for now, her needs must come first while she's feeling vulnerable.

To me it sounds like you have a wonderful full of energy daughter many parents would want to have. Give it a go to that precious time as soon comes the "teenager's phase" when you will want to speak to her and she will be too busy. ✨️

I think you need to have her assessed for adhd. My Grandson has it and you can't rely on the school alerting you but you could ask her teachers opinion.

This may have already been mentioned but why can’t her dad have her every weekend? When I split up with my husband he had my son every weekend, after all he is his parent too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, kids can be exhausting and quite frankly sometimes they need to hear that. I’m 46, as a kid if my sister and I started attention seeking my Mum would send us away to play ‘using our imagination’ At the risk of sounding like a right old bag a lot of kids these days seem to have altogether too much parental intervention. I get that she’s an only child but she needs to find her niche, hobby, club, etc. Armchair psychologist here but could she be acting out because she doesn’t see her Dad much? I agree with the others posting that he should’ve volunteered to take her another day, he’s let her down effectively and it sounds like you got the brunt of that with the cheek and rudeness. Take care be kinder to yourself, try not to feel guilty.

It is hard isn't it, I think maybe can you set her some time and explain she needs to amuse herself during this time. Maybe try to make it fun she could set a timer and be proud if she can do it. Maybe link it to a reward type system along with not being rude to Mum. You can start with a short time and build it up. Explain about you looking after you as is important too, and time to yourself is a part of that.no harm in understanding that at her age. Don't let her Dad catch you out next time, he must have had an idea what he was going to do if you were busy as it was such short notice.

This sounds hard. Just in case @aloris posts have got lost can I suggest you searching for them . There's lots of good advice on here, but these were the standout ones for me - a really nice balance of consistency, boundary setting and ideas to balance both your and your daughter's needs

@Cocobutt

op was at work the day before not sat on her arse watching telly
she doesn’t need to turn off the telly

MaKe sure Yr ex has her for an extra day.
If u have Yr daughter for the whole w/e, what do u do with her? Sounds like she needs some activities out of school. Or take her to the park with her Rollerblades then u can come home and relax a bit as she will be tired and want to watch tv?
Get her some crafts she can do or whatever she likes.
And get her some friends over who she can then go over to as well giving u some peace!
What do u do all week when she's at school?
I know it's hard when it's all down to u bt u have to strike a balance

Your ex should not have put you on the spot like that but tbh I think you need to be a bit firmer with your DD. Personally I am of the opinion that a 9 year old should be able to balance time with parents, with occupying themselves. I would start actively working on this, starting with small activities and working up to longer and bigger ones.

The way she speaks to you also needs some work.

I don't agree that she's "just a normal 9 year old" as others have said. She sounds like a 9 year old who is very attention seeking and unempathetic, and these are things we can work on with our children, we don't just have to put up with it.

@Waxwing23

”I don't always (ever) feel like putting my game face on and faking interest in childlike nonsense. But you know what, I do.”

you do? What, 24/7??!

what a Martyr

no kid needs their parents attention 24 hours a day especially at 9 years old

All mums are amazing and you are too by the sounds of it. She wants to spend time with her mum so that can't be a bad thing from one point of view. Sounds like she needs to learn how to be bored and then she will naturally find things to entertain herself. Don't be hard on yourself and get those days back off your ex and make him do his bit.

You are doing your best, on your own and you lost a whole day of potential down time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

If ex husband asks again what you’re doing, say you’re pretty busy all weekend… you don’t have to tell him what you’re doing. If it’s his weekend he needs to either refuse work or arrange childcare.

Describing the OP as a "shit mum" and "telling her to just "do better" is a shit way to give advice and downrighht unkind and unhelpful. Hope you feel suitably self righteous and better for it Waxwing

Also I’d ask him to make up the day next weekend or in half term

It’s important to let children know that they are allowed to be bored. Boredom allows for imagination and creativity. Your daughter doesn’t always have to be doing something, ipad, telly or dancing. She should learn (be taught) to stay on her own and entertain herself. It sounds like you have given in to being her personal entertainer All these while and now she’s used to it. She needs to unlearn that otherwise, you will end up resenting her and she’s already picking up on that.

Man, I was exhausted reading that! Like a pp has said any time she’s mithering give her a chore to do! She will soon give you some peace! And I disagree with another op saying she’s only 9 she needs entertaining. She’s 9 she’s perfectly capable of doing her own thing at times.

I do have a son with ADHD he’s 12. Used to feel BURNT out he would scream, screech and run riot/ he’s not on medication yet but I’ve learnt to handle it better so I make sure I treat myself once a month clothes/makeup I don’t have a lot of money but I make sure this happens. Also we go for LONG walks in the countryside have chats we be silly together and the fresh air does wonders for mental health. I’ve learnt to embrace the madness as they will only be kids once and you will only live once so just make the most of everything. I know it’s difficult when you just want a bit of peace and quiet but make the best of your daughter she will soon grow up! As for giving you lip - they are all the same!!!

A 9 year old child should know how to entertain themselves ffs

My nieces and nephews have been quite happy to do so since about 4 years old
Soneone suggested giving her an ipad and hiding in the bath sounds like a great idea she needs to learn to entertain herself otherwise what will she be like as an adult

I think it's really hard I'm a single mum and when you expect to have a day off and then you don't (my children's dad likes to last minute let down) it's really frustrating and I am the same find myself getting wound up quite easily. Life is full on as a single mum you are doing 100% all the time without support and often most of the emotional and financial burden so you do need that time to reset as it were.

I echo what other pp say about inviting a friend - mine are always much easily entertained with a friend round. I think perhaps at 9 you need to just gently let her be bored and not be constantly entertaining her also, and that's fine to tell her she just needs to go and play and not engage all the time. Children need that.

Oh @herapotomus, am sending you hugs, you really sound exhausted and burnt out 💐

Have you spoken to your daughter's Dad to ask what her behaviour is like there? And what about in a school environment?

One of my children is around the same age as your daughter and while most kids that age have an abundance of energy etc there are a number of things in your post that may be indicative of other issues. The inability to sit through a film, the constant movement and compulsion to show off her gymnastic moves, the ups and downs at nighttime and her general inability to have quiet time are potentially red flags and it may be worth having her assessed.

To me this is more than just demanding attention, it sounds like the behaviour (which to my mind is beyond 'typical') is almost compulsive. This has nothing to do with poor parenting, you sound like a great Mum who took over full custody because you were concerned about your daughter being properly cared for, you sound like a genuinely wonderful parent. Rather than her not giving you some quiet time it may well be a case that she is unable to give you quiet time. I know a child of 9 with ADHD who is a lovely little person but they are literally a motormouth, extremely restless and desperate for attention and when they are welcomed to our home (and they love coming here), I invariably feel drained afterwards. And that's only after 2 or 3 hours.

In the shortterm, have you got parents or siblings nearby that would take your daughter for a night or weekend? You sound absolutely exhausted and desperately in need of some respite. Solitude can be healing and it sounds like just the thing you need right now. To put some music on, or have a glass of wine and read in the bath or whatever takes your fancy. You are doing a great job but in order to be the best version of ourselves we simply have to look after ourselves from time to time. I know us Mums always put ourselves last but I'd make that weekend you so need to yourself your main priority right now. Hugs to you xx

You aren't a bad mum. She sounds like very hard work. Children far younger than her can keep themselves entertained with craft, games, reading, watching netflix. My ten year old will look up a recipe and bake something independently. Have you spoken to school about how active/exhausting she is? I'm pretty qualified in this area and I would consider it a red flag if a parent told me their 9 year old daughter couldn't sit through a film. Do you ever have playdates over to yours? Is she invited by other parents to play dates? Any concerns about if she is on track academically?