AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Humankind should be jumanji 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes I don’t think our parents were spending every waking moment indulging our gymnastics showing off. You can spend good quality time with your kids. But that does not mean every second of the waking day. They need to be able to entertain themselves and it’s a good skill to have.

But how can she catch up on housework etc when DD is home if she must give her full attention playing with her and watching dance routines and such? How can she turn off the TV and parent her child if she is doing the housework/other jobs? Folding the washing up is one thing but what about other tasks?

I don't think the ex situation is separate either as his actions directly impact his DD and the OP. If DD is feeling unloved by her dad then she will seek comfort and validation from her mum, OP will then overcompensate and probably not enforce boundaries as well as a parent that has breathing space and a supportive partner would.

This is all academic, I'm only going by what information has been given by the OP and my own wild imagination and life experience but (for me at least) it's never as simple as just 'turn off the TV and parent your child'. That's such a catchy tagline though.

Could you find her a dance routine to go upstairs and learn? Either on YouTube or DVD and she can perform it when she’s got it all learnt by heart?
That might buy you an hour or two of quiet time while also feeding her need for attention.

But how can she catch up on housework etc when DD is home if she must give her full attention playing with her and watching dance routines and such?

No one needs to give their child attention 24/7 though.

I don’t pick my child up and then go straight to watch tv and not want them to talk to me, as I know they’re going to want to tell me about their day and they’re going to keep finding ways to try and get my attention.

Most of the time I will be cooking or doing the housework whilst they are telling me about their day and showing me things. I will also get them to help me with the cooking and tidying because that is still attention.
They will often ask if they can go and do X or Y.

Then in the evening when everything is done, I will sit down and relax in front of the tv and they will either watch tv with me or do their own thing.

I’d be interested to know how other parents do things as most parents I know do similar.

Not being able to sit through a film at 9 would be a bit of a concern to me.

You obviously love her and are doing your best. But kids are far more observant than we give them credit for. I certainly know that my teen dd can spot from a mile off when I’m not genuinely interested in what she’s saying/doing. Maybe you could try being completely honest with her. Darling, I love you and I love that you’re so passionate about x,y,z but you have to remember that I’m not a 9yr old girl!! I can’t be as invested in it as you are.
At nine, I’m sure she can understand this and might appreciate the fact that you’re not humouring her. Lay out the boundaries, don’t always feel you have to be her friend/replacement sibling. Then your real friendship can blossom.

Oops, name change fail 🤣

@Hobbi

this!

That's similar to what happens here. Absolutely it's unhealthy for children to have 24/7 undivided attention but from some of the more extreme replies on here OP should be accepting of this.

Anyway I feel for OP, she sounds like she is at the end of her tether and I expect that's why it has come to a head for her today. She might feel very lonely and guilty and came here for advice which she has received but also the usual smug dross too.

This. ^ My kids were absolutely wonderful kids, (most of the time!) Really lovely, and generally well behaved. Me and DH were very fortunate. We enjoyed so many good times with them, and have some wonderful memories with them.

But even with generally well behaved kids, we still enjoyed a weekend to ourselves, a day to ourselves, a few evenings to ourselves etc etc. Coz even pretty well behaved kids are draining sometimes, and can be like mom mom mom mom mom look look look come here come here come here mom mom mom.

Like, even when they are generally easy-ish kids, it can STILL be draining, and hard work (occasionally!)

@herapotomus You have done nothing wrong. Just ignore the 'oh you can't love your kids as much as I love mine' horseshit a few posters are spouting.

@StalkedByASpider that sounds phenomenally tough, you’ve been very modest about the impact that caring burden must have had.

My experience of dealing with a slopey shouldered ex week on week (it’s own kind of draining) and a nt kid is closer to OPs. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable to expect the odd 40 kind or so of peace by the time her child is 9. I don’t think she’s lazy or entitled to feel slightly irritated her quiet time is gone, and I don’t think it should be s race to the bottom. Mums deserve time to recharge, just because they don’t all get it doesn’t mean no one should.

I am sorry you might not have the same expectations tho- and more power to you for shouldering so much for so long!

I’m saying it could be a lot more difficult

How helpful.
Should I send the parents who have lost children along to you to give your situation some perspective?

And?!

Would you appreciate me popping up in reply to you and telling you I've got quintuplets in a 1 bed flat who don't sleep, so it could be worse?

@herapotomus
I think I'm like you. I REALLY need quiet downtime in order to function the rest of the time and not lose my absolute rag. Here's what works for me:

• setting out a plan for the day
• using specific times such as I'm going to read for an hour / close my eyes for an hour and then I will do some baking with you.
• then we will have a quiet lunch together, no talking
• and repeat.

Cinema trip works and also a film afternoon.

It doesn't always work but I find if I keep focused on this approach it is getting easier to carve time out for myself.

At night I was getting no peace either as am also on my own. I have put a new rule in place around downtime from 8pm. So whether they are tired or not, it's wind down time and they can just play or read in their rooms from then so I get some peace.

Good luck. I've had an intense day with mine here so I'm on quiet hour before starting bedtime routine with them tonight.

@StalkedByASpider do you know what I did on Saturday, Saturday I was up at 6 am, in work for 7 until 4 pm. I then went and checked on my seriously mentally ill father, did the food shop then came home and did housework. It was hardly a 'me' day.

I haven't bothered with you so far @Hobbi because you sound like one of those mums that think the sun shines out of their children's arse and that you can do no wrong. But this comment is just an arsehole comment. I do like my daughter, I'm just exhausted.

I am so sorry you've had to deal with so many arseholes on this thread.

So, I have a few more suggestions. First, it is ok for you to feel frustrated and tired by this. Although I'm sure you love your daughter dearly, we know as parents that most of the time we spend with our children is time where we are serving them. We are pouring ourselves out (as it were) for their benefit. You can't pour from an empty cup. So don't allow yourself to feel guilty for needing respite from being a server. Everyone does.

With an only child who has high emotional needs like this, to some extent you will need to come to terms with her personality that she is someone who does not self-entertain very well. You can set some boundaries but you have to accept who she is.

Some things that helped me, that I learned by trial-and-error, were setting specific things to do with my children that were totally reliable. For us, a family tradition is movie night on Saturday nights. Knowing that they have a time to look forward to doing something together, and that it's a top priority for us (the parents) seems to help them to get through some of the day self-entertaining. Another thing that helps is family dinner, with place settings, nice napkins, even a little dessert. If you aren't able to do family dinner every night, then weekend nights would be a good time. When you are at family dinner, you give your full attention. Make it a together time, so let's say she's setting the table, you might have sets of napkins with different designs and let her choose them. Let her set the table. Interact nicely when she does it, "Oh, you chose the napkins with pink flowers, I really love those." and "Oh, it looks very pretty, I like how you wrapped the knife and fork in the napkins." In other words, a nice pleasant interaction, not a time to teach her how to set the table "properly."

If you set up these traditions, you can do some trial and error to see what works for you, so don't present it as a tradition at first. Present it as "let's try something new" or "I Had an idea." Once you've evaluated whether it works for you, then you may decide it's a new tradition. But once you decide that, it needs to be a priority. No, "Well I don't feel like it tonight," because that takes away why it works, which is her ability to rely on it to get herself through the parts of the day where you are aren't paying her attention. However if you are literally ill with a fever then you can take a day off.

Another tradition you could do would be something like breakfast together on Saturday mornings and then a nice walk afterward. On the walk, you listen to all her nattering. When she gets home, her cup is full, you will feel less guilty about saying you need some quiet time.

We had 50/50 care for a while when she was in primary one and a bit of primary two but he was sending her to school looking really messy and without jacket, tights etc. and was constantly late with her so I took full custody, he agreed.

And no, she's a pain in my arse at times but I like her being with me full time as it is, just not today 😂 anyways I just checked my Flo app and I am due on in 3 days so this might explain my irritability today.

@herapotomus

I assure you I don't think I did no wrong, and my children did plenty wrong. My comments were more aimed at those suggesting your ex owed you time, as though he provided respite for you, rather than you both wanting to spend time with her. I hope you find a tactic that works for you, there are some good suggestions on here from well-meaning people. Good luck.

No op she is taking the piss because thats what she knows she can get away with doing. Now she's even testing you further trying to get a reaction (probably to guilt trip you in to doi g what she wants) by being deliberately rude telling you to watch TV upstairs and purposely rollerskating in the house in front of the telly. Sorry but that shows such a lack of respect, she sounds a right little madame. Doesn't take a genius to work out why dad wanted to drop her home early does it.
If Id have acted like this at her age I'd have been told immediately to piss off and stop being so annoying and guess what, I wouldnt have been emotionally damaged or whatever bullshit people come up with now. She needs to learn to entertain herself for a few hours, a constant need for attention is not healthy for either of you.

I’m guessing you have never shared custody of your children, he owes his child that time (more really but from OPs update it seems like he’s not very good at stepping up to his responsibilities)