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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No judgement please...

149 replies

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:33

Have been speaking to someone for a couple of days, met yesterday. He was responsive, the only off putting thing was he called me non stop at certain times of the day:

• met and the attraction and vibe between both was there
• I had a room booked as was potentially staying over - so we went to it

So he tells me that he is a virgin, I'm 32 and he's 28. Obviously he knows I've been in relationships and I am not a virgin, he has too but no penetrative sex involved for him.

Long story short, after lots of touching and kissing he asked me to go further. I asked multiple times whether he was sure. He was fine and we did.

Afterwards he tells me he is seeing a therapist for PTSD, due to a traumatic mentally abusive previous relationship. He starts panicking and saying it hasn't sunk in etc etc. I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore, what have I done...

We eat, he goes home and he messages me a lot later to ask if I got home. I'm very cool calm and collected. I've also suffered majorly abusive relationships but I'm 100% a stronger person now.

He then goes on to say it still hasn't sunken in, and I responded with, what do you think will happen when it does? His reply was he will become depressed and erratic. At this point I'm thinking what on earth,,. So I say good night and this morning there has been zero contact.

I'm not sure how do deal with it, shall I cut off clean or just give it a minute?

OP posts:
PotatoFacedWombat · 29/01/2023 10:36

He doesn't sound like he's in a good space to be in a relationship tbh. I think that, with hindsight, it would have been a good idea to date him before having sex with him, seeing as it's such an issue for him- But he's a big boy, he should have realized this himself too.

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 10:38

I'd run as fast as my feet would take me

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 10:38

I think that if you meet a 28 year old virgin who calls you non stop it’s best not to take him to a hotel and shag him as soon as you meet him

lottie198 · 29/01/2023 10:39

Avoid. He doesn't sound stable at all. He doesn't know your address does he ?

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 10:39

Avoid. So many red flags.

And also men pretending to be a virgin to have sex with women is a thing. So I am not sure I would 100% buy his story.

Remona · 29/01/2023 10:40

I’d think that you’ve been fed a pack of lies.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/01/2023 10:41

It sounds like he has issues, to put it mildly.

I'm sceptical that someone of 28 would lose their virginity on a first date. I think he's playing out some disturbed fantasy with you.

I wouldn't get involved with him any further.

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:41

lottie198 · 29/01/2023 10:39

Avoid. He doesn't sound stable at all. He doesn't know your address does he ?

No, he doesn't know any of my details.

The thing was, he told me this after, and I'm not sure whether he would have told me otherwise. He must have got comfortable and decided to tell me he was having therapy. I've previously been in therapy, but I can handle myself.

I'm just looking for some views on him, and the position he is now in.

OP posts:
Emilizz34 · 29/01/2023 10:41

Sounds like he has a lot going on. You mention he has PTSD from a previous mentally abusive relationship and he mentioned likelihood of becoming depressed and erratic. He may have something like Bipolar

Emilizz34 · 29/01/2023 10:43

Personally I would avoid further contact as sounds like a lot of red flags

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 10:43

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 10:38

I think that if you meet a 28 year old virgin who calls you non stop it’s best not to take him to a hotel and shag him as soon as you meet him

I mean this sounds harsh ^^ but it's true.

The repeated non-stop ringing would've raised far too many red flags for me to want to take his virginity.

I'd break things off OP, with a polite well thought out text, and then block him.

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:44

Emilizz34 · 29/01/2023 10:41

Sounds like he has a lot going on. You mention he has PTSD from a previous mentally abusive relationship and he mentioned likelihood of becoming depressed and erratic. He may have something like Bipolar

His ex gf who he was only in a relationship with for a year and a half, would call him over 300 times in a day, park outside his house, told him she was going to ruin his Grans funeral. The police was involved.

What put me off even further was, he said that if she called him right now - he would go to her.

We're both in the teaching profession, I'm secondary and he's primary. So I thought he may be a bit more with it.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 10:44

You need to be open to the possibility that he has fed you a line to get you into bed I'm afraid. Either way he sounds like real hard work.

Candymay · 29/01/2023 10:45

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/01/2023 10:41

It sounds like he has issues, to put it mildly.

I'm sceptical that someone of 28 would lose their virginity on a first date. I think he's playing out some disturbed fantasy with you.

I wouldn't get involved with him any further.

You’ve had lots of very good answers here. I think this one has nailed it though.

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 10:45

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:44

His ex gf who he was only in a relationship with for a year and a half, would call him over 300 times in a day, park outside his house, told him she was going to ruin his Grans funeral. The police was involved.

What put me off even further was, he said that if she called him right now - he would go to her.

We're both in the teaching profession, I'm secondary and he's primary. So I thought he may be a bit more with it.

Show quote history

Was it him that told you this?

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 10:45

You thought he might be a 'bit more with it' because he teaches kids for a living?

Why?

Emmamoo89 · 29/01/2023 10:46

🚩🚩

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:46

Yes, he told me about his previous abusive relationship.

OP posts:
Workbaseddrama · 29/01/2023 10:46

Walk away gently but firmly. He needs to do a bit more work on himself and it sounds as if he's recognised this and it's why he's having this episode.

The other options is, as pp have suggested, he's played you with a variation on the "I've never cum from a blow job" line. In which case also walk away

CouldOfIsntRight · 29/01/2023 10:46

Remona · 29/01/2023 10:40

I’d think that you’ve been fed a pack of lies.

I agree

ShakespearesBlister · 29/01/2023 10:47

Unfortunately there is going to be judgment owing to the circumstances. There's a reason you usually get to know people first before jumping in the sack with them. You say you are 100% a stronger person now but your self esteem doesn't seem to be in a very strong place if you are having sex with people you have only known a couple of days. Forget about him and perhaps explore where your own self esteem is if you are putting yourself in situations like this.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/01/2023 10:47

I also think he fed you a line, sorry.

I would not respond to any further communication from him... if he even tries to that is.

Put it down to another life lesson and move on.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2023 10:47

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 10:39

Avoid. So many red flags.

And also men pretending to be a virgin to have sex with women is a thing. So I am not sure I would 100% buy his story.

Is OP a woman?

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 10:48

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:46

Yes, he told me about his previous abusive relationship.

On the first date? That's a bit much

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:48

Im a female poster

OP posts: