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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No judgement please...

149 replies

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:33

Have been speaking to someone for a couple of days, met yesterday. He was responsive, the only off putting thing was he called me non stop at certain times of the day:

• met and the attraction and vibe between both was there
• I had a room booked as was potentially staying over - so we went to it

So he tells me that he is a virgin, I'm 32 and he's 28. Obviously he knows I've been in relationships and I am not a virgin, he has too but no penetrative sex involved for him.

Long story short, after lots of touching and kissing he asked me to go further. I asked multiple times whether he was sure. He was fine and we did.

Afterwards he tells me he is seeing a therapist for PTSD, due to a traumatic mentally abusive previous relationship. He starts panicking and saying it hasn't sunk in etc etc. I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore, what have I done...

We eat, he goes home and he messages me a lot later to ask if I got home. I'm very cool calm and collected. I've also suffered majorly abusive relationships but I'm 100% a stronger person now.

He then goes on to say it still hasn't sunken in, and I responded with, what do you think will happen when it does? His reply was he will become depressed and erratic. At this point I'm thinking what on earth,,. So I say good night and this morning there has been zero contact.

I'm not sure how do deal with it, shall I cut off clean or just give it a minute?

OP posts:
Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 10:49

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2023 10:47

Is OP a woman?

Show quote history

Yes, she's just said so. Why?

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:49

ShakespearesBlister · 29/01/2023 10:47

Unfortunately there is going to be judgment owing to the circumstances. There's a reason you usually get to know people first before jumping in the sack with them. You say you are 100% a stronger person now but your self esteem doesn't seem to be in a very strong place if you are having sex with people you have only known a couple of days. Forget about him and perhaps explore where your own self esteem is if you are putting yourself in situations like this.

You're probably right, although I don't feel bad about having sex. I've just put it down to sex, it's his responses and reactions.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 29/01/2023 10:50

Well whether him being a virgin is true or not, he clearly has a lot of issues that he needs to sort out before he’s ready to be in a relationship. Avoid him. He needs time to heal/grow up/get his shit together.

Candymay · 29/01/2023 10:52

I’ve gotta ask. Was the sex dreadful? I’m imagining dreadful.

SummerWinds · 29/01/2023 10:52

He probably uses this same story on everyone, then conveniently mentions MH issues hoping you will just disapear, job done.

MaireadMcSweeney · 29/01/2023 10:54

ShakespearesBlister · 29/01/2023 10:47

Unfortunately there is going to be judgment owing to the circumstances. There's a reason you usually get to know people first before jumping in the sack with them. You say you are 100% a stronger person now but your self esteem doesn't seem to be in a very strong place if you are having sex with people you have only known a couple of days. Forget about him and perhaps explore where your own self esteem is if you are putting yourself in situations like this.

Having casual sex does not indicate low self esteem.

ShakespearesBlister · 29/01/2023 10:54

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:49

You're probably right, although I don't feel bad about having sex. I've just put it down to sex, it's his responses and reactions.

Show quote history

I wouldn't say you need feel bad about it. I'm just thinking maybe protect yourself emotionally a little more.

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:55

Candymay · 29/01/2023 10:52

I’ve gotta ask. Was the sex dreadful? I’m imagining dreadful.

He needed A LOT of guidance, he froze and looked really confused during it.

He's said he has had a lot of foreplay with women, and even with his ex they planned sex but it never happened. He also has a lot of phone sex.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/01/2023 10:55

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 10:38

I think that if you meet a 28 year old virgin who calls you non stop it’s best not to take him to a hotel and shag him as soon as you meet him

I agree with this. Its really not a wise decision.

Candymay · 29/01/2023 10:55

I’m also thinking it’s odd that someone tells you they don’t have sex. Have ptsd. Behaves oddly. And then you book a hotel room. And have sex. Never met him before.

i did some bloody strange things in my past though so not judging. But if alcohol was involved here that’s what I’d start with.

Trez1510 · 29/01/2023 10:56

I'm cynical enough to imagine his entire situation is a page from his playbook.

Pretend to be a virgin.
Get sex.
Pretend to become unstable.
Rinse and repeat.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you've been had in both senses of the word.

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 10:57

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:55

He needed A LOT of guidance, he froze and looked really confused during it.

He's said he has had a lot of foreplay with women, and even with his ex they planned sex but it never happened. He also has a lot of phone sex.

Show quote history

What actually did you find attractive about him?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 10:57

Jesus Christ a first date should be so depressing and intense.

Dont just ditch him, ghost him. Otherwise he will never leave you alone. Weirdo!

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:57

Candymay · 29/01/2023 10:55

I’m also thinking it’s odd that someone tells you they don’t have sex. Have ptsd. Behaves oddly. And then you book a hotel room. And have sex. Never met him before.

i did some bloody strange things in my past though so not judging. But if alcohol was involved here that’s what I’d start with.

He told me about the PTSD and abusive relationship way after the sex - hence why I was like oh wow. But he was open about being virgin and he was the one they called virgin in his boys group.

OP posts:
SequinsandStilettos · 29/01/2023 10:57

Paul the wine guy off Friends springs to mind.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 10:57

*a first date SHOULDNT be so depressing

Remona · 29/01/2023 10:58

Trez1510 · 29/01/2023 10:56

I'm cynical enough to imagine his entire situation is a page from his playbook.

Pretend to be a virgin.
Get sex.
Pretend to become unstable.
Rinse and repeat.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you've been had in both senses of the word.

Yup, this is exactly my take on it too.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 10:59

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:44

His ex gf who he was only in a relationship with for a year and a half, would call him over 300 times in a day, park outside his house, told him she was going to ruin his Grans funeral. The police was involved.

What put me off even further was, he said that if she called him right now - he would go to her.

We're both in the teaching profession, I'm secondary and he's primary. So I thought he may be a bit more with it.

Show quote history

You REALLY believe he was with someone for a year and a half and never had sex.

Come on OP you’re smarter than this.

And I’m scared for his primary pupils if he is indeed a teacher. Which I think is a big fat lie

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:59

He spoke really well, attractive, sounded like he had his shit together prior to blurting out his other issues.

The calling thing, I made a point about it being too much, and he needs to relax.

OP posts:
Moltenpink · 29/01/2023 11:00

It doesn’t add up that his previous relationship was abusive and rang him loads, yet this is what he was doing to you

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 11:01

He's definitely a teacher, I have seen enough evidence for this one. But everything else I'm thinking twice about.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 11:01

It's a but wierd how he accused his ex of phoning constantly when he did it you too. Sorry I'm started to smell a bit of old bull on this thread.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 29/01/2023 11:02

Just bin. It doesn’t matter whether he’s mad bad or sad, it’s not your responsibility and nobody needs that level of bullshit in their life. Whatever he’s serving up, it smells like shit and you don’t want it.

Remona · 29/01/2023 11:02

What always amazes me about these dating threads is how the women seem to 100% believe everything they are told. Why would you? You don’t know this person. Take everything you are told with a massive pinch of salt. A good chunk of what you are told are lies.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 11:02

SequinsandStilettos · 29/01/2023 10:57

Paul the wine guy off Friends springs to mind.

Or the guy who tricked Phoebe into having a ONS and letting her think it was her idea 🤣

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