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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No judgement please...

149 replies

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:33

Have been speaking to someone for a couple of days, met yesterday. He was responsive, the only off putting thing was he called me non stop at certain times of the day:

• met and the attraction and vibe between both was there
• I had a room booked as was potentially staying over - so we went to it

So he tells me that he is a virgin, I'm 32 and he's 28. Obviously he knows I've been in relationships and I am not a virgin, he has too but no penetrative sex involved for him.

Long story short, after lots of touching and kissing he asked me to go further. I asked multiple times whether he was sure. He was fine and we did.

Afterwards he tells me he is seeing a therapist for PTSD, due to a traumatic mentally abusive previous relationship. He starts panicking and saying it hasn't sunk in etc etc. I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore, what have I done...

We eat, he goes home and he messages me a lot later to ask if I got home. I'm very cool calm and collected. I've also suffered majorly abusive relationships but I'm 100% a stronger person now.

He then goes on to say it still hasn't sunken in, and I responded with, what do you think will happen when it does? His reply was he will become depressed and erratic. At this point I'm thinking what on earth,,. So I say good night and this morning there has been zero contact.

I'm not sure how do deal with it, shall I cut off clean or just give it a minute?

OP posts:
nc1013 · 29/01/2023 11:02

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:46

Yes, he told me about his previous abusive relationship.

I'm struggling to believe the same 28 year old that didn't have penetrative sex in an 18 month relationship, would then have sex with a more or less stranger on the first date....

....not sure I'd be believing a word and would run an absolute mile.

I'd have zero interest in what is going on in his head. Not your issue to worry about. Block & move on

Candymay · 29/01/2023 11:03

i also hope he’s not a teacher. All sounds too weird.
and if he had a girlfriend before and chose not to have sex why would he go straight to a hotel room with you and have sex?
I did have a really weird boyfriend in my youth though. I’m getting flashbacks. So glad I don’t drink anymore

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 11:03

Remona · 29/01/2023 11:02

What always amazes me about these dating threads is how the women seem to 100% believe everything they are told. Why would you? You don’t know this person. Take everything you are told with a massive pinch of salt. A good chunk of what you are told are lies.

This.

I hate to sound like I’m your mum OP but going back to a hotel with a strange (in every sense) man was foolish, thank god nothing bad happened to you! Discounting a shit shag.

Find someone else and go bowling on a first date instead, this is way too intense for someone you’ve just met.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2023 11:06

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 10:49

Yes, she's just said so. Why?

Show quote history

She said so in response to my query.
I wasn’t suggesting otherwise I was asking as if she had been a man it might have meant that it was the first time her date had had sex with another man, which would change things.

torquewench · 29/01/2023 11:08

No way this is for real.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 11:08

OP, you shagged a creepy weirdo.

It happens. We’ve all been there.

Write it off as a bad experience and drop him immediately.

Your standards can’t be so low that you put up with this ridiculous nonsense? He can’t be that good looking!

FlowerFlour · 29/01/2023 11:10

SequinsandStilettos · 29/01/2023 10:57

Paul the wine guy off Friends springs to mind.

Reminds me of when Samantha Jones had sex with the student Sam Jones on Sex and the City. He was a virgin who wouldn't leave her alone too.

Op Shagging him was a bad idea, he sounds unstable (is he really a teacher? Shock ) Just block him and move on. Surely you're not so hard up that this guy seems like a viable prospect?

newnamethanks · 29/01/2023 11:15

You're 32. How did you get to this age by behaving so rashly? Let him go, stop dealing with him. I hope you haven't got yourself a stalker.

PaniniHead · 29/01/2023 11:16

Given what you’ve said about him, it sounds far more plausible that this is what he did to his ex

neverbeenskiing · 29/01/2023 11:17

And I’m scared for his primary pupils if he is indeed a teacher.

There is nothing in the OP or subsequent updates to suggest this man is a risk to children. Or anyone. I agree with everyone else that there are multiple dating red flags here, but it's still a stretch to be "scared" for children he teaches. If mental health issues and a tumultuous relationship history were enough to exclude people from teaching then the school I work in would be empty!

OP, either this man is very vulnerable in relationships due to his MH issues and his history or he's a liar. Either way, get rid.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 29/01/2023 11:21

Oh dear, if everything he’s said is true, he’s way too weird and emotionally unstable to have a relationship with. And if it’s not true, then he’s a liar.
Either way, I don’t think this is a goer. Sorry OP.

PollyAmour · 29/01/2023 11:22

There are definitely men around who pretend to be virgins and allow women to 'teach' them the wicked ways of the world. I bet my salary he's one of them and it's a line that pretty much guarantees sex on every first date.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

There's too much crazy in this world to invite some in willingly!

nc1013 · 29/01/2023 11:25

PollyAmour · 29/01/2023 11:22

There are definitely men around who pretend to be virgins and allow women to 'teach' them the wicked ways of the world. I bet my salary he's one of them and it's a line that pretty much guarantees sex on every first date.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

There's too much crazy in this world to invite some in willingly!

Are there women out there that would find this a turn on? It would give me the absolute ick Confused

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 11:27

the only off putting thing was he called me non stop at certain times of the day:

I would have ran for the hills after this alone.

He obviously has some serious issues and is still not over his ex, so I would stay well clear.

And if he asks why then say it’s because he said if she called he would go to her and you don’t want to start anything up with someone like that.

If what he is saying is true then he’s going to feel like you used him and I would tread carefully.

As PPs have said it doesn’t add up that he was with this girl for over a year and didn’t have sex, yet shagged you on the first day!

He could be a complete fantasist and was never in a relationship with girl or he could be lying just to get you into bed - either way he’s not one to continue seeing.

TheShellBeach · 29/01/2023 11:28

onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 10:46

Yes, he told me about his previous abusive relationship.

So it could all be lies.

CatJumperTwat · 29/01/2023 11:28

Two people in their 20s were in a relationship for a year and a half and never had sex?

HappinessDragon · 29/01/2023 11:29

It's either a lie to get sex and then not have to have a relationship because he assumes you will run a mile

or

He has far too many issues that you will not be equipped to deal with.

But whichever one it is, RUN and never look back.

BellePeppa · 29/01/2023 11:30

I would have thought a 28 year old would be pretty happy to have finally lost their virginity to someone they were attracted to. I’d be very concerned about his behaviour, he sounds draining already.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 11:30

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 11:08

OP, you shagged a creepy weirdo.

It happens. We’ve all been there.

Write it off as a bad experience and drop him immediately.

Your standards can’t be so low that you put up with this ridiculous nonsense? He can’t be that good looking!

OP, you shagged a creepy weirdo.
It happens. We’ve all been there.

I'm in my mid-fifties and never once have I shagged a creepy weirdo.

I've shagged a few wronguns, a few great, a few not so great but never a creepy weirdo!

LakeTiticaca · 29/01/2023 11:34

Unless you want to end up as his therapist/nurse maid just cut and run. He has way too many issues

Candymay · 29/01/2023 11:35

Op. the good thing is that this was in the past. Today is a fresh day. Cut ties. Move forward and don’t look back.

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 11:35

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 11:27

the only off putting thing was he called me non stop at certain times of the day:

I would have ran for the hills after this alone.

He obviously has some serious issues and is still not over his ex, so I would stay well clear.

And if he asks why then say it’s because he said if she called he would go to her and you don’t want to start anything up with someone like that.

If what he is saying is true then he’s going to feel like you used him and I would tread carefully.

As PPs have said it doesn’t add up that he was with this girl for over a year and didn’t have sex, yet shagged you on the first day!

He could be a complete fantasist and was never in a relationship with girl or he could be lying just to get you into bed - either way he’s not one to continue seeing.

I've already made the decision to delete his number, if he decides to contact me then I will give him a justified response.

At the end of the day, I'm too grown to be taking care of someone who hasn't got their own shit together.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 29/01/2023 11:37

Jesus, why on Earth would you take somebody's virginity on a first date? The poor guy clearly has issues and now his first memory of sex and losing his virginity is likely going to be of the girl going cold on him immediately after.

It's not judgement, but there are reasons why people don't usually have sex a few hours after meeting.

Whilst his feelings are his to protect, you've put yourself in a precarious position by taking his virginity and god knows how he'll react to your rejection which could be troublesome for you.

Original poster
onedayatatym · 29/01/2023 11:42

TokenGinger · 29/01/2023 11:37

Jesus, why on Earth would you take somebody's virginity on a first date? The poor guy clearly has issues and now his first memory of sex and losing his virginity is likely going to be of the girl going cold on him immediately after.

It's not judgement, but there are reasons why people don't usually have sex a few hours after meeting.

Whilst his feelings are his to protect, you've put yourself in a precarious position by taking his virginity and god knows how he'll react to your rejection which could be troublesome for you.

I think if it was bothering him that much, he would be in touch, or would have something to say. I asked him the question, if I turned around and said tomorrow I'm not interested in you or walked away then how would you feel? His response was that he had only met me once, he'd feel a bit down about it, but nothing major. Soooo.... you know!

OP posts:
Fleabigg · 29/01/2023 11:45

Run a fucking mile. He’s either very troubled or he’s a creepy weirdo. Or both. And you don’t need that.