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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

757 replies

turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:02

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

OP posts:
PepperRed · 30/01/2023 22:18

I find it horrid that some are critical of you OP. You posted to try to find a solution to a terrible situation. You are being good and supportive to your DH and children and trying your best for your MIL.

Your MIL is very probably suffering from PTSD. She may be depressed. Depressed people are very very selfish. They can' help it. And they can sap the sympathy out of all around them. I do not see her behavior being 'just' grief. Grief is normal for her situation but not all consuming.
Yes, she can get the train. It will help her to adjust to her new reality. Yes, you need to set boundaries and be straight with her.

I lost my husband at 60. I was mostly able to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Time does the rest and a willingness to live.

She will not get better tho if she does not find a way to change - doctor - medication - help group etc.

stacyvaron · 30/01/2023 22:31

It's impossible for those who haven't lived it to understand how someone can suck the life from the room. There is no silliness or joy or lightness if she's there and it takes a toll on all of you. She is DEPRESSED in addition to grieving, and refuses to help herself. She doesn't have to be a sunbeam, but she needs to take care of her depression as she would a heart condition or diabetes. You are doing her a disservice by supporting her current behavior.

AtticusFrost · 30/01/2023 22:33

Grieving is not depression. It may as someone suggested be traumatic grief though.

LovePoppy · 30/01/2023 22:34

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 30/01/2023 21:14

I said I wouldn’t return to the thread but how dare you. I know how anti depressant medication works as I have been treated for depression on and off for thirty years and some medication takes away the ability to feel anything, which is not helpful with the grieving process - at some point you have to deal with it head on. I suggested that medication may not be helpful to MIL at this point because she was already 18 months in and possibly dealing with a second onslaught of grief brought about by the realisation and acceptance of her situation - which is a perfectly natural stage of grief and has to be faced.

Take offence all you want - I never ever suggested that people on medication were not dealing with their trauma. I said I had refused it and why. I don’t need to do research I’ve lived it. This is a fucking awful thread and this is yet another indication that some posters have very little idea of the natural grieving process.

Show quote history

Dude, you have no freaking idea what others have gone through. None.

Im sorry for your loss, but get off your high horse.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 30/01/2023 22:44

LovePoppy · 30/01/2023 22:34

Dude, you have no freaking idea what others have gone through. None.

Im sorry for your loss, but get off your high horse.

Show quote history

Not on any high horse, just commenting on a public forum from personal experience - as is everyone else. Problem is that some posters aren’t actually reading what people write - they misunderstand, confer their own interpretation and try to call them out. And to tell someone who has been through the loss of a life partner that they have no idea what others have been through is fucking ridiculous. Grow up.

buffydavis · 30/01/2023 22:56

Highdaysandholidays1 · 30/01/2023 19:56

I am a widow. I don't ignore people for 24 hours or wail every day or bring every conversation around to my dead husband. I'd probably like to do some of those things but I don't because it would be horrible for those around me, I have kids, I have to work (if MIL was employed she wouldn't have 18 months off work or be allowed to be rude to colleagues), it's just not possible to live that life endlessly.

I honestly don't know anyone in my family who acts like this and many of us have lost life partners. I know people who have become depressed, lonely and so on but most have gone to bereavement 'clubs', counselling, written, moaned to the odd friend, gone on antidepressants, it's the fact she's not doing any of it and it's getting worse that's so problematic.

I don't equate this with a lost temper on a one-off, this is a more profound issue, which probably was there prior to the grief, it sounds like she had few friends and made her husband her whole life and now he's gone she has no idea how to Iive, but ultimately she either has to rebuild herself or over time everyone will move away from her, people won't stay around to be ignored, wailed at and depressed for many years because pretty much everyone loses someone (parent, partner, good friend, god forbid child) at some point and so you have to end up preserving your own sanity.

Nicely put.

AnnieSnap · 30/01/2023 22:58

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy I absolutely get what you are saying. You are completely right that antidepressant medication can defer the grieving process, but that they are excellent drugs when appropriate. I speak as an expert in Mental Health. I wasn’t going to post that point (because on here those who believe they know don’t listen) until I saw you being challenged in a disrespectful way. I expect the brickbats to come my way now.

Salome61 · 30/01/2023 23:07

I disagree with posters saying your MIL is depressed, she is just grieving and scared of the future and trying to work out how she will continue 'living'. Losing your partner really affects your confidence and sense of worth. I do hope someone somewhere can help her, even if its just some voluntary work at a charity shop or something where she feels she is making a difference.

Mischance · 30/01/2023 23:23

Your MIL is struggling. I am 3 years a widow and still struggling. I know there have been times when I have been frustrating to my family, but thankfully they understood. I was also well enough to make the effort to hide some of my struggles for their benefit - but that was very hard, and I can entirely understand why your MIL cannot do this yet.

Please do not feel guilty about your frustration - no-one is a saint. Sometimes the way bereaved people behave can be frustrating for those around them. And the idea that at some point you "get over it" is not true - you never get over it; you walk alongside it.

I wonder of a more open discussion with your MIL might be helpful to all of you. Not easy I know; but at some point we are all likely to be bereaved or trying to do the right thing for a bereaved relative. She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL. - that is actually good - tears are part of the process and she talks about him. If you have children, your reactions here will be a learning moment for them, as one day they will have to deal with this.

FrostyFifi · 31/01/2023 00:05

You don't sound like a very nice person, so I am not surprised your MiL doesn't take any advice from you

This is very unfair. I can't see anything OP has done that hasn't been kind and supportive. However she is also a person with her own feelings and boundaries, there is only so much any of us have to give.

Kokeshi123 · 31/01/2023 00:11

Frankly your attitude angers me. No compassion. How often do you see her???? Is it really that hard to pick her up and spoil her for a couple of days every few weeks.

Are you insane? The OP and her husband both work FULL TIME, and have two children, probably quite young. Working full time with two young kids is utterly knackering. You slog away all day, then you finish and you have childcare pickups, cooking, clearing up, homework, baths, stories, then you end up dealing with the rest of the housework when kids are finally in bed. Much of your weekend gets taken up with housework and life admin (filling in forms etc.) that you had no time for during the week.

For two and a half years - a quarter of a decade - the DH has had to make six hour round trips on a regular basis, using up his annual leave to do this, on top of being a dad and working; the OP, presumably, then has to handle both kids and all the home front stuff alone on those days.

I get the MIL is unhappy, but the OP and her husband have needs and feelings too, not to mention the kids. Perhaps the OP and her husband would like to use some of that annual leave to enjoy some family time with their children?

By all means, they should try and take some steps to "ease" MIL into some independence, but it's absolutely right for them to set some boundaries.

And frankly, she's has decades to learn to use the train - you'll forgive me if I do a bit of an eyeroll at someone who has refused to learn to drive AND refused to use public transit either. I am guessing her husband used to ferry her around when he was alive, and she did nothing to prepare for any possible change in the situation, even though most women do outlive their husbands.

2023pending · 31/01/2023 00:35

Frankly your attitude angers me. No compassion. How often do you see her???? Is it really that hard to pick her up and spoil her for a couple of days every few weeks.

And what about OP’s husband that’s lost his DAD?! Is it really that hard for his own mother to lay off him abit whilst he grieves, works and looks after his family all whilst accommodating her grief, which apparently is more important than anyone else’s.

toxic44 · 31/01/2023 00:47

Grief changes people. Having a widowed sister doesn't give you any true measure of the pain. MIL doesn't refuse to stop talking about FIL from stubbornness or from choice. She talks and cries because she can't help it. The loss dominates her whole mind. It rules her. Nothing else exists but the pain and knowing her husband has gone from her. Loss like that drowns you. You feel between the worlds, anchorless without purpose or the desire of any. It's 25 years since my husband passed and I still ask myself, 'How can this be?' Eighteen months is nothing. It can take one-third of the time you were together before your head settle back on your shoulders.

azlazee1 · 31/01/2023 01:48

Forget the in home visits and call her maybe once a week. It will give her an opportunity to express her grief to someone, and you can go on with your own life afterwards.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/01/2023 02:24

azlazee1 · 31/01/2023 01:48

Forget the in home visits and call her maybe once a week. It will give her an opportunity to express her grief to someone, and you can go on with your own life afterwards.

Agree with this. Until she can make an effort to contribute to a pleasant atmosphere for you and your family.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/01/2023 02:25

toxic44 · 31/01/2023 00:47

Grief changes people. Having a widowed sister doesn't give you any true measure of the pain. MIL doesn't refuse to stop talking about FIL from stubbornness or from choice. She talks and cries because she can't help it. The loss dominates her whole mind. It rules her. Nothing else exists but the pain and knowing her husband has gone from her. Loss like that drowns you. You feel between the worlds, anchorless without purpose or the desire of any. It's 25 years since my husband passed and I still ask myself, 'How can this be?' Eighteen months is nothing. It can take one-third of the time you were together before your head settle back on your shoulders.

Then it behooves her to get professional help.

milkyaqua · 31/01/2023 03:38

People who stonewall, and use the silent treatment, are punishers - and punishers are toxic. I doubt this entitled, selfish behaviour is simply grief. Grief has exacerbated and exposed her entitlement, and other unpleasant traits.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:25

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/01/2023 02:25

Then it behooves her to get professional help.

Show quote history

Did you actually read this post, because from your reply it would seem not.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:27

azlazee1 · 31/01/2023 01:48

Forget the in home visits and call her maybe once a week. It will give her an opportunity to express her grief to someone, and you can go on with your own life afterwards.

And who does she ‘express her grief’ to exactly ? I had the impression she lived alone. If you’re talking about counselling, unless she can afford to pay privately, she will wait months for NHS mental health services to provide any counselling, and in our area it’s limited to six sessions.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:32

milkyaqua · 31/01/2023 03:38

People who stonewall, and use the silent treatment, are punishers - and punishers are toxic. I doubt this entitled, selfish behaviour is simply grief. Grief has exacerbated and exposed her entitlement, and other unpleasant traits.

Read the post above your own. Grief changes you in ways you couldn’t imagine before your loss. The behaviour isn’t entitled or selfish, it’s part of the natural grieving process, which can actually be worse in the second year. She’s not intentionally ‘punishing’ anyone and even the OP hasn’t suggested that. The OP and her family are clearly struggling and need some real support - something that I fear they won’t get from MN.

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/01/2023 06:33

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy I think the bereavement groups would be a hood outlet for that

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:36

2023pending · 31/01/2023 00:35

Frankly your attitude angers me. No compassion. How often do you see her???? Is it really that hard to pick her up and spoil her for a couple of days every few weeks.

And what about OP’s husband that’s lost his DAD?! Is it really that hard for his own mother to lay off him abit whilst he grieves, works and looks after his family all whilst accommodating her grief, which apparently is more important than anyone else’s.

Her grief isn’t any more important than her sons’ or anyone else who is grieving for the partner she has lost. But it is different. The son is grieving but has the support of his family and his life partner. The impact of the loss on his life will be entirely different from that of his mother. That’s been pointed out several times so I don’t understand why people are still persisting in accusing her of diminishing the grief of those around her. She’s 18 months into a pretty hard road and they all need help so they can support each other.

Mumofsons87 · 31/01/2023 06:41

When you're depressed everything feels very very difficult like you have cement stuck to your feet. Your steps feel heavy and you are being pulled like a magnetic back to your safe space such as you bed or sofa at home. A crowded train would feel like the loneliest place on earth. That was obviously a difficult experience for her.
I wouldn't cut her off in her time of need. Grief is non linear and knows no bounds. She needs to find an outlet of some sort. Can you reach out to a group for her ? R to her GP? They should know what to do and it sounds to me like she needs a hand hold. It was probably her husband who would have known what to say to get her moving. She sounds like she is still in shock.
I lost my sister last May to cancer. She was 39 and sick for months and I am still suffering with shock for what I saw and what has happened to her. Her husband is deeply deeply depressed and her small children are lost. I know the feeling of helplessness you are having. Small acts of kindness and giving your MIL space to grieve is all you can do.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:45

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/01/2023 06:33

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy I think the bereavement groups would be a hood outlet for that

Yes, I agree. There’s a bereavement board on MN, and for MIL there’s also one over on Gransnet that’s possibly more age appropriate. Would be more useful than the combative atmosphere on AIBU. There’s also a bereavement support site called WayUp which I turned to after my loss. It would be excellent for the whole family I think - really supportive of all types of grief. There are contributors at different stages of the journey, which means that the support can be long term. The OP clearly wants to help MIL but is struggling to understand what’s going on. and the site may give her the tools to do that. Hope so.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 06:47

Mumofsons87 · 31/01/2023 06:41

When you're depressed everything feels very very difficult like you have cement stuck to your feet. Your steps feel heavy and you are being pulled like a magnetic back to your safe space such as you bed or sofa at home. A crowded train would feel like the loneliest place on earth. That was obviously a difficult experience for her.
I wouldn't cut her off in her time of need. Grief is non linear and knows no bounds. She needs to find an outlet of some sort. Can you reach out to a group for her ? R to her GP? They should know what to do and it sounds to me like she needs a hand hold. It was probably her husband who would have known what to say to get her moving. She sounds like she is still in shock.
I lost my sister last May to cancer. She was 39 and sick for months and I am still suffering with shock for what I saw and what has happened to her. Her husband is deeply deeply depressed and her small children are lost. I know the feeling of helplessness you are having. Small acts of kindness and giving your MIL space to grieve is all you can do.

My sincere condolences to you and your family - I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐