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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Revenge on the person that bullied me?

159 replies

ACTIVE123 · 29/01/2023 09:05

There was a girl that bullied me at school, called me names, beat me up and just made my life hell.

I recently found out she is working for the same company as me, (big company not the same department) bumped into her a couple of times, but I just avoided eye contact, didn't want to get into a fake how are you moment!

I now keep getting ideas of trying to get revenge on this person, embarrass her, make her pay somehow. No idea how as I'm generally not that kind of person. It just annoys me seeing her walk around, living her life, knowing she got away with it all, as I never told anyone!

We were 16/17 when the bullying happened, so it's not like it was young kids. She knows what she did and if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd feel bad and apologise, but she's clearly just not built the same as me.

Am I wrong for entertaining these thoughts or do I just carry on being the bigger person and ignoring her?

Also, to say my job is important to me, so wouldn't want to risk getting into trouble at work over it, or looking immature at work.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterReads · 29/01/2023 09:40

Either your job is important to you - in which case you stay professional and polite.
Or some kind of teen revenge plot is important to you - in which case it will end badly.
Rather than focusing on her, it might be worth focusing on everything you have achieved and all the positives about your job and the company.

bedisbest · 29/01/2023 09:40

Fizzadora · 29/01/2023 09:26

I agree with the other posters in that you have to rise above it but I have to say if an opportunity arose to 'expose' her (obviously in a laughing, jokey way) in front of colleagues, then I would.

How do people like you function in the real world? If someone did that in a group at work I was in, I would think they had exposed themselves not the other person.

It just makes you look crazy to be holding onto stuff from, what, 20 years ago, that happened when you were at school and that you are actually trying to wield as a weapon against someone who is an adult and almost certainly a very different person.

Everyone will understand that 'joke' for the malignant spite it was intended as. Please don't fool yourself that they won't. Please never embarrass yourself by doing anything like this!

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 29/01/2023 09:42

I voted YANBU as the thoughts you have are very common. You would be unreasonable to act on them.

I know it sounds corny but worth a try. Write all your feelings down on paper, what you would like to tell her, exactly how much she hurt you. Then set it alight and watch or burn.

Then ignore her entirely.

MojoDaysxx · 29/01/2023 09:42

It's painful to be on the end of bullying. Don't be part of that vibe.

Letthekidsplay · 29/01/2023 09:42

I think the best revenge would be to claim to totally not recognise or remember her if she ever tries having a conversation. That she’s completely irrelevant.

avist · 29/01/2023 09:43

I'd look at her in a "hmmm where do I know you from?" Kind of way, keep her on her toes

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:43

True bullies don’t change, don’t reassess or feel shame at the way they treat people which is why they don’t apologise.
Just because they move from one environment to another doesn’t mean they alter in personality. That they’d been bullied in childhood establishes how relationships ‘work’ in their minds. Their insecurities and need to overpower those they deem to be threats remain.

lunar1 · 29/01/2023 09:44

Sometimes it's fun it your head, it doesn't mean you'd actually do anything. I do agree with telling someone (else) in HR. I'd also ask that she wasn't able to access your personal details in any way given the department she works in.

I occasionally have daydreams about sending proof of the bullying and child cruelty to the press regarding the thing my dad married.

She's a public figure, given her job I'd probably earn a decent amount from selling the story and it would absolutely ruin her. It's enough knowing that she probably has a constant worry in the back of her head that my brother or i would do it one day.

I have a vague memory of telling her at 13 that if she ever has children I'd send her letters to social services!

UpUpAndAwol · 29/01/2023 09:44

ACTIVE123 · 29/01/2023 09:35

Thanks for all your messages. You have articulated what I knew already that I should just forget it and live my best life. I am happily married with a son and am 3 levels above her in the company, so didn't do too badly!

The funny thing is she actually works in HR!! I like the idea of a cold stare/ look through you if I see her that says we both know what you did. I don't think I will tell anyone at work, not because I'm ashamed, but because I wouldn't want anyone to know it still affects me.

Not surprised she works in HR. Predators and bullies always seek positions where they definitely shouldn’t be.

Give it a while then put in a formal request asking IT to check who has looked at your HR file. She will have done and will have no reason to.

StubbleAndSqueak · 29/01/2023 09:45

NuNameNuMe · 29/01/2023 09:15

Think about it, plot it, don't do it.

I would do this
You have the benefit of knowing you are a kind person who doesn't cause unnecessary upset , don't change who you are
She knows exactly who you are and it's probably eating her up seeing your success

Duckduckgooseagain · 29/01/2023 09:45

YANBU to have the thoughts but YABU to act on it. Be the bigger person rise above it, the best revenge will be work your ass off get a promotion and be amazing at your job. Showcase how amazing you are!

x2boys · 29/01/2023 09:45

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:43

True bullies don’t change, don’t reassess or feel shame at the way they treat people which is why they don’t apologise.
Just because they move from one environment to another doesn’t mean they alter in personality. That they’d been bullied in childhood establishes how relationships ‘work’ in their minds. Their insecurities and need to overpower those they deem to be threats remain.

People can and do change ,wether this person has who knows ,?

stopringingme · 29/01/2023 09:47

@ACTIVE123

Don't stoop to her level.

She is probably aware of what she has done and is probably being eaten up inside worrying that you will bring it up.

You have the upper hand and control use it by knowing that she knows how nasty she was and she will be thinking when will you bring it up.

She has a job too and will be worried you can make things difficult for her.

2chocolateoranges · 29/01/2023 09:48

If she brings up who she is I would just say I don't remember her. I'm sure that would piss her off more!

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 09:49

YABU

Not only will you be just as bad as her - actually you’d be a lot worse as you are a grown adult.

But you’ll find it could easily backfire where you are seen as the villain and she’s the poor innocent woman whose fine nothing wrong - which will make you feel a million times worse.

If she still has any bully left in her she will also love that it still affects you so much.

BatshitBanshee · 29/01/2023 09:49

No one can police your thoughts, they're yours and yours alone.

However.

I wouldn't avoid eye contact with her. I'd make sure she saw me and knew who I was, I wouldn't initiate a conversation nor would I entertain one (a tight smile to a "hi" is sufficient in this instance) but I wouldn't look away, you've nothing to be ashamed of.

Plus Karma has a really good way of handing anyone their arse when they need it so I suspect she'll get her comeuppance sooner or later, doesn't have to come from you.

Patineur · 29/01/2023 09:49

LadyGAgain · 29/01/2023 09:34

I would email HR and say that you're aware that your bully now works here. Whilst you're not in direct contact from a work perspective, you want to make them aware so if a future bullying claim is made about her, they are aware that this is true to type and give a bit of detail - verbal and physical abuse.

Absolutely don't do this. It would not go well.

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 09:51

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:43

True bullies don’t change, don’t reassess or feel shame at the way they treat people which is why they don’t apologise.
Just because they move from one environment to another doesn’t mean they alter in personality. That they’d been bullied in childhood establishes how relationships ‘work’ in their minds. Their insecurities and need to overpower those they deem to be threats remain.

This is just ridiculous and not true.

Patineur · 29/01/2023 09:52

The fact that you are senior to her is revenge in itself, I bet she hates that.

It's probably worth keeping your eyes open in case she starts bullying other people, but otherwise ignore her.

quietnightmare · 29/01/2023 09:54

Ignore her
But if she does try to speak to you you could politely say...

'Hello' and walk off
Or

'Sorry have we met?' And walk off

Or

'How awkward I thought you were going to hit me again?' And walk off

Preparation is key here. I would have a plan in place for if she does try and speak to you so you know exactly how you want to respond to especially if she catches you off guard if you don't see her coming towards you one day and if you know what you want to say and how you want to play it then once the interaction is over you want feel angry at yourself for not giving the response you wanted too.

WilsonMilson · 29/01/2023 09:55

Take the moral high ground. I don’t do revenge, karma has its own way of dealing with people. I adhere to the saying that if you seek revenge you’d better dig two graves. Bad idea imho.

Thereisnolight · 29/01/2023 09:55

Just be professional. You don’t have to engage with her socially.

Easier said than done

singlefish · 29/01/2023 09:55

lunar1 · 29/01/2023 09:44

Sometimes it's fun it your head, it doesn't mean you'd actually do anything. I do agree with telling someone (else) in HR. I'd also ask that she wasn't able to access your personal details in any way given the department she works in.

I occasionally have daydreams about sending proof of the bullying and child cruelty to the press regarding the thing my dad married.

She's a public figure, given her job I'd probably earn a decent amount from selling the story and it would absolutely ruin her. It's enough knowing that she probably has a constant worry in the back of her head that my brother or i would do it one day.

I have a vague memory of telling her at 13 that if she ever has children I'd send her letters to social services!

Really sorry to hear you had to deal with a vile adult like that.

I’m interested if this was someone who builds their profile on being a nice person?Obviously, without being outing, does this person present a really different persona to their real one?

I used to work in the entertainment industry, and while some people are genuinely lovely, it does seem to attract some really nasty characters who are incredibly fucked up.

Shopper727 · 29/01/2023 09:55

Just think to yourself what would revenge achieve? Would it make you feel better? Would it make you happy? Or would it just make you the same as her?

bullying is awful, I was bullied horrendously my whole time at primary and secondary school, teachers knew and turned a blind eye! I was hurt, called names, kicked etc it was awful I hated school and was a shy, self conscious shadow when I left school. It did affect me then but I’ve grown up and moved on and the bullies rarely get a second thought now, which took a while to get to but I felt I was still letting them win whilst they took up space in my head. I think lifting your head, saying hello and being the nicest person you can be to people Inc her is your best move here, if you can’t do that perhaps you need to talk about what happened with someone and move on. I know for some people it can be long term trauma so I don’t want to dismiss the effect she had on you or how you feel but it’s not good to harbour the feelings of revenge and hate going forward.

Lucylock · 29/01/2023 09:58

No, keep schtum and professional at work. If you exposed her in any way, jokey or as some sort of revenge , what so you think will happen? She will either deny it or have a different version and your colleagues will think you're bonkers. Even if your colleagues believe you, they will also think it's very odd behaviour to bring a grudge from your teens to the work place and it will impact your reputation. Your feelings on this are understandably much bigger than any one else's will be.

You may also end up being accused of bullying yourself. She's 3 levels below you, so it won't look good on you to be raising issues that happened years ago and are nothing to do with work .

It's hard, but I think a look from you to her will be enough for her to know you know who she is. She will be forever wondering if other people know and feeling awkward. That's the best revenge.

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