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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Revenge on the person that bullied me?

159 replies

ACTIVE123 · 29/01/2023 09:05

There was a girl that bullied me at school, called me names, beat me up and just made my life hell.

I recently found out she is working for the same company as me, (big company not the same department) bumped into her a couple of times, but I just avoided eye contact, didn't want to get into a fake how are you moment!

I now keep getting ideas of trying to get revenge on this person, embarrass her, make her pay somehow. No idea how as I'm generally not that kind of person. It just annoys me seeing her walk around, living her life, knowing she got away with it all, as I never told anyone!

We were 16/17 when the bullying happened, so it's not like it was young kids. She knows what she did and if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd feel bad and apologise, but she's clearly just not built the same as me.

Am I wrong for entertaining these thoughts or do I just carry on being the bigger person and ignoring her?

Also, to say my job is important to me, so wouldn't want to risk getting into trouble at work over it, or looking immature at work.

OP posts:
soddingspiderseason · 29/01/2023 09:24

I don't know the size of your employer but I would think about (without naming anyone) letting HR know that you are having trauma response to someone who bullied and abused you when you were younger recently joining the company. Suggest to HR that they issue some advice about bullying and how it can affect people throughout their life, as they may do for people facing domestic abuse, mental health issues etc and where to get support. And ask that all staff commit to treat others with respect, tolerance etc. What she did was abhorrent and whilst it would be wrong to exact revenge directly, what you can do is empower yourself to tackle this in a positive way.

TribeD · 29/01/2023 09:25

I completely understand where you are coming from, but to try and elicit revenge wouldn't help you in the long run.

I spent longer than was healthy (for my mental wellbeing) mulling over how I would get my revenge on my previous manager who was a disgusting bully, but I put that energy into doing my very best at moving past it - it was hard, because it's natural to want her to get her comeuppance, but ultimately you need to work on your future not live in the past.

If her character is still the same, she will quickly be found out. Be the better person.

Fizzadora · 29/01/2023 09:26

I agree with the other posters in that you have to rise above it but I have to say if an opportunity arose to 'expose' her (obviously in a laughing, jokey way) in front of colleagues, then I would.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/01/2023 09:26

Just let it go. Its really unhealthy to be planning revenge in this way. Treat her with detached and cool politeness and love your own best life without giving her anymore headspace.

Legotiger · 29/01/2023 09:28

Agree with @soddingspiderseason Have it logged with HE upfront just in case. Also, don’t be ashamed to talk about it. You did nothing wrong. If you have a meeting with her, chat to colleagues before/after about how you’re uncomfortable because she attacked you in the past. Nothing wrong with telling the truth!

Legotiger · 29/01/2023 09:29

*HR

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:29

She hasn’t changed and doesn’t feel remorseful, so I imagine someone in her office is now being subjected to her bullying.
Personally I would leave it to someone else to stand up to her or for life to deliver a blow.

In the meantime when you see her, hold your head very high, look right through her and secretly enjoy it when she gets her comeuppance.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2023 09:30

As others have said you dont want to lose your job. I'd also be careful about covering myself at work just in case she decides to make anything up about you...avoid being on my own with her etc. Do you have to work directly with you? It might be worth telling work what happened in the past so it's on record if there is any trouble and also so that they can avoid putting you in the same team etc

torquewench · 29/01/2023 09:32

Tbh, her behaviour may not have changed that much since schooldays and she'll probably out herself and do the revenge job for you.

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 09:33

You need to decide if it’s more Important to keep your job or take revenge, as both won’t be possible.

I would comment though, your desire for revenge indicates you’re very far from over this or accepting it, so I’d consider therapy

bedisbest · 29/01/2023 09:34

TribeD · 29/01/2023 09:25

I completely understand where you are coming from, but to try and elicit revenge wouldn't help you in the long run.

I spent longer than was healthy (for my mental wellbeing) mulling over how I would get my revenge on my previous manager who was a disgusting bully, but I put that energy into doing my very best at moving past it - it was hard, because it's natural to want her to get her comeuppance, but ultimately you need to work on your future not live in the past.

If her character is still the same, she will quickly be found out. Be the better person.

All of this.

And please don't go to HR. What do you expect them to do? She has not done anything in the workplace. If she bullies anyone at work, they will have an anti-bullying policy that can be implemented.

I mean this constructively, this is your issue that you need to deal with. This is your past that you need to move on from. Go to speak to a counsellor if you need to.

LadyGAgain · 29/01/2023 09:34

I would email HR and say that you're aware that your bully now works here. Whilst you're not in direct contact from a work perspective, you want to make them aware so if a future bullying claim is made about her, they are aware that this is true to type and give a bit of detail - verbal and physical abuse.

Abra1t · 29/01/2023 09:34

The best revenge on her will be doing your job so very well that she hears you being praised or promoted or singled out for special mention.

It will hurt her and benefit you more than revenge.

Montague22 · 29/01/2023 09:35

The thoughts aren’t wrong but doing anything about them would be.

I actually do think I believe in karma, things do seem to come right in the end. Her life won’t be perfect.

Original poster
ACTIVE123 · 29/01/2023 09:35

Thanks for all your messages. You have articulated what I knew already that I should just forget it and live my best life. I am happily married with a son and am 3 levels above her in the company, so didn't do too badly!

The funny thing is she actually works in HR!! I like the idea of a cold stare/ look through you if I see her that says we both know what you did. I don't think I will tell anyone at work, not because I'm ashamed, but because I wouldn't want anyone to know it still affects me.

OP posts:
x2boys · 29/01/2023 09:35

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:29

She hasn’t changed and doesn’t feel remorseful, so I imagine someone in her office is now being subjected to her bullying.
Personally I would leave it to someone else to stand up to her or for life to deliver a blow.

In the meantime when you see her, hold your head very high, look right through her and secretly enjoy it when she gets her comeuppance.

Unless you know the person you have no.way of knowing wether she's changed our not or wether she's bullying someone in her office .

Bogeyes · 29/01/2023 09:35

I would be plotting

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 09:35

What exactly do you plan to do to her?

If you bully her you are just as bad as she was. And you are a proper adult.

Maybe she does remember/ feel bad but doesn't want to bring it up to someone in her new workplace that she only occassionally sees. It's not exactly an easy conversation to start.

I'd just continue ignoring her, or if you really want to actively do something then tell her how you feel about her. don't engage in childish bullying yourself.

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 09:36

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:29

She hasn’t changed and doesn’t feel remorseful, so I imagine someone in her office is now being subjected to her bullying.
Personally I would leave it to someone else to stand up to her or for life to deliver a blow.

In the meantime when you see her, hold your head very high, look right through her and secretly enjoy it when she gets her comeuppance.

This shows such a lack of comprehension of the bullying bullied dynamic. Many young bullies are behaving as such due to the same treatment at home , and once they grow up and leave that environment they change. The fact she’s not apologised doesn’t mean she’s still a bully, there could be many things going on for her.

PennyToffee · 29/01/2023 09:37

Don't email HR. It's nothing to do with your job now. Just ignore her.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/01/2023 09:37

Seewood · 29/01/2023 09:29

She hasn’t changed and doesn’t feel remorseful, so I imagine someone in her office is now being subjected to her bullying.
Personally I would leave it to someone else to stand up to her or for life to deliver a blow.

In the meantime when you see her, hold your head very high, look right through her and secretly enjoy it when she gets her comeuppance.

You have absolutely no idea if that's true.

Belledan1 · 29/01/2023 09:37

I worked for someone who bullied me and was vile This was postcode you got support off HR. . 6 years later she turned up where I worked again. Saw her in the lift. She was all nice in front off her new colleagues. I hardly spoke to her. In the end I emailed HR and said I am not going in to much detail but if I ever have to work for her direct I would refuse as she had made me feel upset in the past. It must have got back to her direct boss as he asked one of my close colleagues if she knew what happened. She told him. Luckily managed to avoid her. She only worked there a year.

Fraaahnces · 29/01/2023 09:37

Sounds like you already have revenge!

Startwithamimosa · 29/01/2023 09:38

It sounds lame, but being happy really is the best revenge. Just be your awesome self and basically ignore her. If she gets introduced to you, be blase about it and act like she's nothing to you (which is true), I'd basically ignore her like she's nothing and be awesome around her, but not with her.

Belledan1 · 29/01/2023 09:38

Sorry I mean it was pre when got help off hR.