How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

For your latest update. It sounds stifling. I think a pp’s advice is good: stop caring. Stop engaging, walk away from shouting and arguments, make plans without him, don’t try to cajole him to join family activities, just stop. Let him tilt at windmills.

Your additional knowledge of OP's previous posts isn't quite the "gotcha" moment you seem to think it is. It doesn't excuse your cruelty, it compounds it.

FFS if you can't muster the sympathy, fine, but why not choose to be unsympathetic off-thread, instead of coming here solely to brandish your disapproval & contempt at a woman you know to be struggling?

No its not, sick of holier than tho responses like yours. People have choices and respinsibities and to bring another child into this environment is a recipe for disaster. Hopefully this will make other people realise or else it's just more children growing up miserable.

You chose to have a third child in an unhappy marriage and with twins who are only 2 years old!

You are completely mad and, to be honest, selfish to even think of having another child.

Why could you not be happy with 2 children? Sorry but no sympathy at all

Can he go back to the office ? Sounds like WFH is not suitable for family life , how on earth will he do that with a newborn , surely you will end up tip toeing around even more.

@user8545 this is my first ever post about DH

It's only too easy to fall into the trap of being downtrodden and accepting. But you're also subjecting 2 soon to be 3 children to this horror.

Ask him to leave. Today. Whether he's miserable, depressed, whatever - he's making family life unbearable and it has to stop. I'd rather be on my own than tiptoeing around on eggshells around a temperamental man.

Well then, its ultimatum and (most likely) LTB time. You have tried. He has backed out on whatever he said he would do to help fix things. So I am ot sure there is a solution.

Could you send him away for a week either on holiday or to his family so he can have some space and think about what would solve his problems sorry I seem to have somehow taggedr@5YearsLeft

From your latest reply it doesn't seem like you have many options left other than put up with it or leave. You cannot control his behaviour, you cannot make him want to change and maintain that change for longer than a week, you are only in control of what you do. If you have spelt it out to him and he's still refusing to engage then doing the same thing over and over again is pointless.

I think you also need to seriously consider whether you can mitigate the effects of his behaviour on your children whilst he is still living with them. He sounds a lot like my stepdad and even though I never lived under the same roof as him (was raised by my grandparents) his behaviour still left its mark on me. There's a reason why I refused to move in with them when my mum married him. Poor parental behaviour absolutely can leave a mark even if there is no physical contact.

Then it's time to leave.

You've tried op. You're now pregnant with a 3rd child that he will likely not change for either.

BINGO!

It's a reverse-the-sexes post, only wonder is it took 5 whole pages to emerge.

If an OP posted to say his wife made him walk on eggshells for years by controlling him with'moodyness', shouts at their children, acknowledges that she is making his life a misery, but refuses to get medical help for it, damn right I'd be telling him to prioritise his children & himself, by telling her to sort herself out, & leave her if she won't.

I highly doubt it!
Your doubt makes no difference to that fact.

Planned another baby with him. I feel for you but that was just ridiculously stupid and selfish. Bringing another baby into a miserable environment. Wow. The only way to make this mistake good is to leave him. Now.

OP - it sounds like for whatever reason, you’ve spent years trying to ignore the fact you don’t like your DH and have a terrible relationship. I can completely see why in late 30s as a professional you might decide to grit your teeth and stay to get the dcs you want rather than to miss your window of opportunity to become a mother - but that does mean you now have to do the hardest bit of a year Mat leave with him. Realistically are you able to leave before the baby arrives?

make a plan to spend the bare minimum time with him - daily plans, toddler groups, NCT meet ups, arrange to see friends etc. get through until you are able to get back to work after this dc.

he won’t change so is this the life you want or do you plan to leave? If you are planning to leave, even if that’s a 2-3 year plan, don’t make more choices now that will make that harder. Dont do anything silly like move to a bigger house that takes all the spare cash. Think about your career, can you stay part time as a single parent of 3 preschoolers? Will you have to wait until at least the twins are school aged?

it reads like you’ve been unhappy for years and have drifted because you wanted the family. Don’t drift.

First thing is to stop having babies with him! That's not going to be helping his mood or making the situation any easier.

Are you under the impression she is stealing sperm samples and impregnating herself?

Maybe he shouldn't be having any more babies if he's the one who's making life miserable because he can't cope.

Oh god, why baby no.3 for goodness’ sake?

I’m not repeatedly or deliberately ignoring anything just because I haven’t mentioned it, not everyone will comment the same but you definitely have an issue understanding that. Yes you twisted my comment so you could use it to have a go at me because it didn’t fit with your opinion! Downtrodden is totally inaccurate now you are putting words in my mouth, I never said anything even remotely negative about the OP just the situation. You are hilarious, accusing me of being a misogynist because I believe a wife should be supportive of her husband and look out for signs of depression with the aim to improve their home life (in other words BOTH of their well being and of course the children). The OP has recently said she has tried talking plus counselling I truly feel for her situation. You contradict yourself, you did say it’s her who is low mood, no energy and miserable and that she should leave because he’s emotionally abusive!

Hi @Ohhhhhlalala I’ve read your posts but not the full thread. I can imagine many people are of the opinion to give husband the heave ho!

I want to give you my perspective and why perhaps his behaviour has become so extreme. I think you are 100% right he isn’t depressed. But he is struggling and taking it out on the family, which isn’t healthy.

Myself and one Dc have asd, husband too I think but he refuses to get diagnosed. Over the lockdown period all symptoms were amplified and we are still getting over it, if you can imagine there’s like a time delay - over the confinement and change in routines we held it together. Now there’s the change back to normal, all that emotion and messed up feeling we couldn’t express is coming out.

If your husband has asd he will have been more traumatised by the covid period than joe bloggs, add to this the addition of new fatherhood/twins (which anyone would struggle with) and now another baby. It’s too much. While this in no way excuses his behaviour (autistics can be dickheads too), I think bearing in mind the enormous amount of change, stress and pressure with limited time to regulate himself, seeking help for him urgently would be preferable to throwing the towel in.

Have a look online about autism traits and list as many as you can with examples of his behaviour from childhood on. Go to the gp and have him referred, meanwhile get him assessed privately if you can (make sure in keeping with NICE guidelines/able to be ratified by the nhs for the purposes of accessing treatment later).

There are many strategies you can employ to lessen the issues in the household pretty much straight away. But a bigger help would be him being able to potentially access pip (which is a gateway to other financial support and provisions even at airports/venues - I bet he’s a barrel of laughs in the queue for bag drop) carers assessment for you etc etc

Ultimately if your husband is unsupported asd, after the last few years and with the pressures you describe he won’t be in a good place.

The diagnosis process is hard but the increase in quality of life with professional help/funding is huge (pays for therapies, transport, enrichment experiences such as days out/restbite hols, cleaner, home adaptations etc whatever is necessary)

Wishing you all the best of luck, I hope he is open to getting help.

I think an amicable separation would be an idea but only once your baby is say 1. You need to bond as a family.
This is bonkers! You can’t find as a family when a key member of that family is shouting at everyone and slamming doors; still less when OP (in your scenario) knows she plans to leave. Far healthier to get out as soon as possible instead of at some arbitrary date after fake bonding.

Then I look forward to your forthcoming dissertation on how to accurately spot an abusive man before he impregnates you, & how to stop abusive men from pretending to love women while manipulating women's love for them to make them feel culpable for the abuse that emerges once the abuser decides to let his mask slip.

You'll be acknowledging the already well documented & cited studies proving that most abuse become apparent during pregnancy & ramps up postnatally of course? Also the fact that on average, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive man, & that one of the primary factors prohibiting her escape is social shame & the censure of victim-blamers?

Let me know when you publish, & I'll alert WA that they can stand down as soon as you've been successfully peer-reviewed.

‘Men are generally miserable for a few simple reasons.
Chaos round the home from kids, not enough sex, lack of peace and quiet and being at the bottom of the pile for your attention.‘

I am embarrassed for you that you wrote this reductive nonsense.

SHE has chosen to have another baby when in an unhappy marriage. Her twins are only 2 so, obviously, she has enough on her plate without adding another child.

Bloody hell this is a powerful post.

I suspect a clue to your future happiness is in your username dear 5Years ... hang on in there, your clear horizon awaits you. Very glad you have/had such insightful support from your therapist.

Live your life as separately from him as you can until you can separate, is my advice.

If he ruins days out, just don't go on days out with him, just take the kids. Have your own friends and things. Be in separate rooms in the house as much as possible.

Wow I’m not surprised so many people on here are so fucked up such a mess, accusing people of being misogynistic from one tiny comment about a woman supporting her husband (something the OP hadn’t revealed any details about at that stage!) I’m not even sure what you’re getting at, where exactly did I say anything about men and women not being equally shit? 🤦🏼‍♀️