Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex should be guiding ASD daughter with better social decisions

151 replies

Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 07:56

My 6yr old ASD DD is very very quirky. She speaks in a very strong American accent, has no boundaries and is over familiar with everybody and anybody. She talks in a lot of sayings that she picks up from TV and so she doesn't always make sense and come across a little strange. She's also albino and so sticks out a bit with her personality and looks. The majority of school friends seem to have accepted her being that they've been in the same class for a few years but I still see that she can be annoying to them and will notice the odd looks she gets when she's being overbearing as she can be.

Obviously I worry that she'll get bullied at school, she's different and kids can be cruel and so I try to guide her with her behaviours as best as I can.

To the point now.. this weekend she was with her dad and had a birthday party to go to which he got her ready for. It was a double party for 2 girls so 2 whole classes in a hall with DJ etc. Dd has recently become obsessed with Wednesday Adams (she hasn't watched it, just seen the dance on tik tok and now obsessed). Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume and then because she asked, let her wear it to the party.

I was online and came across pictures of the party. Lots of fashionable 6 yr olds in their denim shorts, sparkly tops and party clothes. Then my little Wednesday sitting on her own. I have text him that he shouldn't have let her go in that outfit. He called me and said why not she looked great and she really wanted to wear it. I agreed she looked amazing but as a parent it was his job to explain time and place etc and that she will end up getting bullied if we don't guide her properly.

I got told to f off and hung up on. We continued to argue it out on text but he feels I'm accusing him of being a bad parent.

So yabu? We should fully support our crazy and slightly weird dd to be herself and dress how she wants or ..

Yanbu we Should be guiding her her to make better social choices

OP posts:
WelcomedHome · 29/01/2023 08:01

You would be encouraging her to mask by doing that, which will become more and more exhausting for her as she grows up. Friends will accept quirks more easily than you'd think. Embrace difference.

Shoxfordian · 29/01/2023 08:03

She shouldn’t have to dress the same as all her friends to fit in; if she loved the outfit then she should wear it.

Starlitestarbright · 29/01/2023 08:03

Yabu

Busybody2022 · 29/01/2023 08:03

I'm with him. Let her what she wants.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 29/01/2023 08:03

I really don't think what she wore was a problem.

Would you take kindly to your ex telling you how to parent? I doubt it.

I think you made this something when there wasn't an issue.

Girasoli · 29/01/2023 08:05

I think he shouldn't have told you to f off, but I'm not sure there's a right answer on the outfit - some people feel like you, and others feel that DC should wear what they want and others shouldn't bully them because of it.

Was your DD happy at the party, that's the main thing? She might feel happier/calmer off to the side observing rather than in the middle.

Newusernameaug · 29/01/2023 08:06

What you’re doing is actually far worse, your crushing her individuality and telling her that she must dress the same to be ‘normal’ this is really harmful and will only power her confidence and make her feel bad, your strategy will not help dd!

Maybe time you did some parenting courses and stopped blaming ex?

MuggleMe · 29/01/2023 08:07

It's funny isn't it, we encourage our younger children to try to fit in, then criticize them for 'being led' by other who are a bad influence. By the time children are at university there's much more acceptance and celebration of differences and interests.

Imo the dad could have explained the social implications of wearing her Wednesday dress, others will be wearing xyz, you'll stand out etc, but her choice to go ahead.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 08:07

What about the bullies, she does come home home upset at times because people didn't want to play, or tell her she's weird. Why would I encourage this? I don't want her to not be herself but I think with a bit of explanation that she will be the odd one out she would have changed her mind on the dress. I just worry.

OP posts:
Bellalalala · 29/01/2023 08:07

I would have let both of my kids wear it if they wanted, to a party. One has autism one does not.

There’s a chance you are so concerned about her ‘fitting in’ that you aren’t letting her be herself at all. It doesn’t matter what all the other kids are wearing or how ‘fashionable’ you think they looked.

Ds is 11 now. And yes we have to guide him in someways, but trying to stop him being himself and appear like everyone else to fit, makes him miserable. My job isn’t to make him miserable.

In the case of a 6 year old going to a part in an outfit they like, I would let them. Even if it doesn’t fit in. Just like I did with my NT child.

CuteAsDuck · 29/01/2023 08:08

Yabu encouraging masking is potentially going to be so much more damaging for her than just letting her live.

Just because certain social behaviours or choices are more mainstream doesn't make them better either.

Tallulah28 · 29/01/2023 08:08

YABU - whether your daughter was autistic or not I would be saying that as a parent I’d 100% be supporting my child to express their individuality and dress how they please rather than following the crowd. It sends entirely the wrong message to suggest to a child they should ignore what they like in order to fit in with other people.

Tallulah28 · 29/01/2023 08:10

To answer your question re bullies - what you’re implying is that if she chooses to dress differently then she’s inviting people to bully her. That’s victim blaming. Alternative clothing doesn’t cause bullying - bullies cause bullying. I think you need to reassess why it’s so important to you that your daughter appears the same as everyone else rather than expressing her wonderful and unique self.

Bex268 · 29/01/2023 08:11

You sound awful. Your ex sounds awesome 👏 he’s embracing her for who she is - you could learn a lot from him on this.

Hercisback · 29/01/2023 08:12

You can't undo bullying in one outfit choice.

She's 6, we have 6yos arrive at parties in Princess outfits, spiderman, hulk etc. No one bats an eyelid. On this one I think you are wrong.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 08:13

Tallulah28 · 29/01/2023 08:10

To answer your question re bullies - what you’re implying is that if she chooses to dress differently then she’s inviting people to bully her. That’s victim blaming. Alternative clothing doesn’t cause bullying - bullies cause bullying. I think you need to reassess why it’s so important to you that your daughter appears the same as everyone else rather than expressing her wonderful and unique self.

Yes I was bullied all the way through school, overweight identical twin wth glasses! I have zero confidence and perhaps I am projecting that onto my child. I don't want her growing up as insecure as me.

OP posts:
Bellalalala · 29/01/2023 08:13

Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 08:07

What about the bullies, she does come home home upset at times because people didn't want to play, or tell her she's weird. Why would I encourage this? I don't want her to not be herself but I think with a bit of explanation that she will be the odd one out she would have changed her mind on the dress. I just worry.

You deal with it be explaining that people are sometimes unkind, but that it should stop her being who she is happy being.

Then go to the school and ask them to deal with it.

She can’t live trying to be like everyone else. No one should live like that. But that’s especially hard for kids with Neuro diversity.

Its absolutely impossible to live ‘like everyone else’ because everyone else is so individual.

You and your ex clearly disagree (and I agree with him) on this issue. But you have no right to dictate how he chooses to parent. Which is what you tried to do. You tried to tell him he was parenting wrong. When it’s actually, a difference of opinion. But honestly, your approach of ‘you need to be like everyone else to fit in’ will cause more damage in future.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 08:14

Bex268 · 29/01/2023 08:11

You sound awful. Your ex sounds awesome 👏 he’s embracing her for who she is - you could learn a lot from him on this.

Bit much. I'm awful for worrying about my daughter being bullied???

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 29/01/2023 08:14

You were probably upset she was sitting on her own and casting around for ways to stop that happening. I doubt it was the dress.

I don't know if I'd let a child go to a non fancy dress party in fancy dress or not. I guess I'd explain first it wasn't fancy dress. Then if they still wanted to wear it and it was suitable for the activity, okay.

Bellalalala · 29/01/2023 08:15

Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 08:13

Yes I was bullied all the way through school, overweight identical twin wth glasses! I have zero confidence and perhaps I am projecting that onto my child. I don't want her growing up as insecure as me.

Show quote history

She will be insecure if she feels her mother has spent her whole life telling her to not be herself.

My DS is autistic. He is confident and happy. He knows he is different and confident in that difference.

Perfect28 · 29/01/2023 08:16

Did she enjoy the party? Is she happy? Isn't that all that matters? Don't pressure her to conform.

Zigazagah · 29/01/2023 08:17

I think it’s very difficult and at times, heartbreaking, to have a child with challenges that make it difficult for them to make friends. It’s tempting to try to help them be more like their peers to ‘fit in’. But this won’t work ultimately and can end up making them feel a disappointment to you for being different.
Its so hard, but gently, I think your excess right on this one, although I completely get your reasoning

NotAMartyr · 29/01/2023 08:17

There is no such thing as a ‘fashionable’
six-year-old. Or at least there should not be.

Your daughter sounds fabulous. How great that she has ideas of how she wants to dress for parties. I can think of plenty worse outfits than a Wednesday Addams look.

Her dad sounds great. Stop calling your daughter weird and strange. I think you need to educate yourself more about ASD. Yes your daughter needs to know about social norms, just like any other kid. But this party outfit is not one to criticise.

Must be hard seeing photos of her alone though. Did she enjoy the party?

Brendabigbaps · 29/01/2023 08:18

Maybe your daughter was sat at the side because she felt overwhelmed?

my asd daughter enjoyed big parties until 5, then at 6 she started getting more and more overwhelmed by them and now (9) she won’t even go to one.

Brendabigbaps · 29/01/2023 08:19

Tallulah28 · 29/01/2023 08:10

To answer your question re bullies - what you’re implying is that if she chooses to dress differently then she’s inviting people to bully her. That’s victim blaming. Alternative clothing doesn’t cause bullying - bullies cause bullying. I think you need to reassess why it’s so important to you that your daughter appears the same as everyone else rather than expressing her wonderful and unique self.

This!

a bully is going to bully whatever, they will find something to pick on