To think ex should be guiding ASD daughter with better social decisions

[Kayos10]

My 6yr old ASD DD is very very quirky. She speaks in a very strong American accent, has no boundaries and is over familiar with everybody and anybody. She talks in a lot of sayings that she picks up from TV and so she doesn't always make sense and come across a little strange. She's also albino and so sticks out a bit with her personality and looks. The majority of school friends seem to have accepted her being that they've been in the same class for a few years but I still see that she can be annoying to them and will notice the odd looks she gets when she's being overbearing as she can be.

Obviously I worry that she'll get bullied at school, she's different and kids can be cruel and so I try to guide her with her behaviours as best as I can.

To the point now.. this weekend she was with her dad and had a birthday party to go to which he got her ready for. It was a double party for 2 girls so 2 whole classes in a hall with DJ etc. Dd has recently become obsessed with Wednesday Adams (she hasn't watched it, just seen the dance on tik tok and now obsessed). Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume and then because she asked, let her wear it to the party.

I was online and came across pictures of the party. Lots of fashionable 6 yr olds in their denim shorts, sparkly tops and party clothes. Then my little Wednesday sitting on her own. I have text him that he shouldn't have let her go in that outfit. He called me and said why not she looked great and she really wanted to wear it. I agreed she looked amazing but as a parent it was his job to explain time and place etc and that she will end up getting bullied if we don't guide her properly.

I got told to f off and hung up on. We continued to argue it out on text but he feels I'm accusing him of being a bad parent.

So yabu? We should fully support our crazy and slightly weird dd to be herself and dress how she wants or ..

Yanbu we Should be guiding her her to make better social choices

Accents are a common trait of autism and nothing to do with screen time (as explained by the paediatrician, by all means Google/research that). She also doesn't have access to tik tok, it was the clip of the Wednesday dance that my eldest showed her because she thought she'd like it.

It's just not that simple, because if you want to have friends, relationships and be successful at work then you have to fit in to some extent. Would you go out with a man who was into My Little Pony? No? Why not? Would you be friends with someone whose favourite topic was the Mary Rose and they spent all their time talking at you about it because they found it so exciting and thought you must too? No? Why not? Would you be comfortable working alongside someone who wasn't at all bothered by personal hygiene and so stank of BO? No? Why not?

The answer is because you want people around you that fit in more conveniently with societal norms. And for everyone judging the OP on this thread that is the tightrope that parents of ND kids walk every day.

Having a strong solid sense of who she is, and that she is loved unconditionally (without having to fit in) will hugely boost her confidence and she will be able to cope with any bullies.

Bullies will thrive if she tries too hard to be someone she is not to fit in. They pick up on those vulnerabilities.

I agree with posters above - encouraging her to be herself and showing that you love her own unique choices can only be helpful to her.

You sound like a really loving and caring mum. And your concerns are very well intentioned. And I think most of us try to shape our kids some way (with good intentions!). But I think the growing consensus is that supporting them to be there true-authentic selves is the way to go (and shows them that they should be open to diversity in others too - not just those who conform to the pack)- celebrating diversity is much more interesting! And unless she herself says she has a problem with bullies or fitting in - I don't think you should worry about it too much (just keep checking in with her in an open loving way as I'm sure you do)

Sounds hard re the the ex. I agree with his approach but he should not curse at u - that just escalates things. But maybe you need to accept that you parent differently at times. Sorry no advise there. Be kind to yourself, you are a very good person doing your best in stressful circumstances.

YABU. During his time he gets to make the decisions. Unless they are abusive or neglectful then you must butt out.

Actually as a parent of an autistic (now 18yo) ds your ex is getting it right.

It's not up to your DD to dress in a certain way to fit in - it's up to others to realise we are all different and you don't bully others for their differences.

If your DD wasn't autistic and wanted to wear it would it bother you?

If she was a "Tom boy" would it bother you? Or goth or whatever? Would it bother you only because she's autistic?

She'll need to learn social ques and about turn taking in conversation like every other child because those things are necessary to communicate effectively etc but what she wears really doesn't matter.

And 6yo in hot pants and sparky tops? I'd rather my child dressed in fancy dress like children do or wore leggings and a t shirt than dresses like a mini adult at that age tbh. 🤷‍♀️

It's not up to your DD to dress in a certain way to fit in - it's up to others to realise we are all different and you don't bully others for their differences.

It is though.

When you go to school, you need to wear a school uniform.

When it’s raining, you need to wear a coat.

If you are going to the supermarket, you need to wear your shoes.

If this was a case of her wanting to wear a T-shirt and leggings instead of a party dress then I’d agree but a fancy dress costume is completely different.

There are times you need to fit in with the rules. Like uniforms. But even those can have accommodations made for those with extra needs. Ds doesn’t wear the standard black trousers at school due to sensory issues. At primary, he could wear the jumpers and so didn’t have to.

But there’s no rule for attending a child’s party. op wants her dd to be dressed ‘fashionably’ like the other kids. I very much doubt there was a dress code for a 6 year olds birthday party.

Again with costs. That’s not anyone’s rule it’s sensible. But often if a child is neurodiverse you may need to find an alternative work around.

Children shouldn’t bully other children for their clothes choice. It’s really that simple.

You really need to work on changing your attitudes, OP. I am cringing for you at the judgement towards your daughter in your post.
It really isn't about making your ASD daughter more 'normal' or 'fitting in'.😥

There isn't a uniform for parties etc though.

She wore a fancy dress costume 🤷‍♀️

Like many of the children without any Sen I have worked with of the same age over many decades of working with children this age.

Adults try and put adult perspectives on children's thinking.

She wanted to wear the dress. Big deal 🤷‍♀️

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Focus on your own child's happiness, not what other children are wearing. You're ex was allowing her to express herself in a way that makes her happy.

They're not bullying her because she wore a WA dress though. You're focussing on the wrong thing.

The thing is, neither of you are wrong or right, they’re just different approaches.

It’s fine to point out to get that events have rough dress codes and that a costume isn’t what people would usually wear to a party that wasn’t a costume party, it’s also fine to let her dress how she wants.

Where you are wrong though is thinking that you can avoid her getting bullied or ostracised if she dresses the same as other children - I totally understand why you’re thinking that way, I’ve been there and literally bought the t shirt 😂 sorry, terrible pun. You’re seeing how hard it is for her and you’re trying desperately to do something, anything to make it just a little bit easier, that at least if you can make her clothes “right” then it’s one less thing they can focus on.

But it’s not going to work, it never does.

As a mum to two young people with ASD I've really struggled with embracing that they won't be like everyone else. Their peers now off doing all sorts as they are now 15 and 20. Mine aren't, they are doing really well but they aren't the same as NT kids. I celebrate it now and they are completely themselves but sometimes coming to the realisation that their ASD means their path may be different and their successes will be different to others was tough.

Kids with ASD often are still in the 'mainstream' system and so I think we can expect them to be the same, they aren't, I think they need a different approach. Obviously not all will I suppose it's a spectrum after all.

I spent a long time trying to help them fit in till I realised they never would. Now everyone is much happier! It's so hard and building confidence in who she is will help!

Having been an autistic child - even if you do everything ‘right’, trying to fit in, you will inevitably come across as inauthentic and you’ll get pulled up on it. Kids spot the little details. Better to be full on weird.

There is little point trying to steer a dc with ASD into certain behaviours in the hope that they will fit in - it doesn't work, NT people can always tell and they are often very unkind. It is exhausting for the dc and does them no good - they may try and try and nothing they do works, they are never accepted.

I know this is a hard truth, but until we accept it then all we do is force ND people to spend their while lives unsuccessfully trying to blend in - a complete waste of their time and energy. A pp is completely right - the approach is all wrong - NT people need to be taught about neurodiversity and how not to be horrible bullies.

I have two dc with diagnosed ASD and am probably ND too, so this is based on my own experience.

Oh dear.

Unpicking the phrase "better social decisions", which is completely subjective and designed to elicit responses which support your view, OP....

what you are actually suggesting is training your daughter to mask more effectively. If you do this, you probably will get some of what you want; she will look more like a neurotypical child, superficially, and you will feel less embarrassed by her differences.

The cost of this forced conformity will be her long-term mental and physical health, in my experience. Autistic people who are trained to mask - for whom parental approval is contingent on "passing" as neurotypical - tend to come unstuck during adolescence or early adulthood. They suffer burnout and spend years re-learning how to be the person they really are. Some never recover, and outcomes are really poor.

I suggest you shift your focus to training YOUR responses and attitudes, not hers. You need to be able to look at that room full of little girls and be proud that yours is the one dressed as Wednesday - that's who she is right now. You need to be ready to support and protect her choices, and fight for her when she is judged and picked on. Not first in the queue to tell her she's all wrong and it's her own fault.

Yabu about the outfit - but in general social coaching about consequences of particular devious can be useful - not encouraging masking but understanding what the consequence might be so they can evaluate what outcome they themselves want.

Masking is bad if it isn't being yourself, but equally, if I don't know that telling ok someone constantly may make them less likely to want to be my friend, that's useful information.

2 autistic dds - getting them out of the house to anything is hard enough without inputting into the outfit. In broad terms perhaps I might ask what she thinks her friends may wear but leave it at that. In this case she was wearing fancy dress to fancy dress so...

I think your concerns are coming from a place of love, but your DD is going to have her own path in life and you need to try not to project your experiences onto her.
Any 6 year old needs a bit of guidance around social behaviour. What perhaps you need some advice with, is how to do that best for a child with ASD.
I know quite a few girls with ASD and they do struggle with things that their NT peers won't and it's really hard as a parent to watch that.
In my limited and not professional experience, high school is the trickiest part. The advantage you have here though, is you know your DD has ASD so you can be as prepared as possible to help and support her the best way you can.

OP, I can see where you're coming from. It must have been hard seeing her sitting on her own, and of course we just want our children to be accepted.
I can see why you might have thought that fancy dress at a normal party might alienate her, and just wanted her to fit in.
It is understandable.

My children are in secondary school now but at that age it was really normal for children to wear dressing up outfits to parties. In fact one girl came as Elsa to DD2's 6th birthday. So I think you're possibly a bit over anxious and in danger of being overly restrictive. Having said that I have an autistic child and I wouldn't let her go as Wednesday at age 12, so there is a balance.

What on earth is a 6yo doing on TikTok

🙄🙄🙄 Read the previous replies, she doesn't go on tik tok. Her older sister showed her a dance clip she had seen on there. Nothing like trying to mum shame without knowing the facts hey!