To think ex should be guiding ASD daughter with better social decisions

[Kayos10]

My 6yr old ASD DD is very very quirky. She speaks in a very strong American accent, has no boundaries and is over familiar with everybody and anybody. She talks in a lot of sayings that she picks up from TV and so she doesn't always make sense and come across a little strange. She's also albino and so sticks out a bit with her personality and looks. The majority of school friends seem to have accepted her being that they've been in the same class for a few years but I still see that she can be annoying to them and will notice the odd looks she gets when she's being overbearing as she can be.

Obviously I worry that she'll get bullied at school, she's different and kids can be cruel and so I try to guide her with her behaviours as best as I can.

To the point now.. this weekend she was with her dad and had a birthday party to go to which he got her ready for. It was a double party for 2 girls so 2 whole classes in a hall with DJ etc. Dd has recently become obsessed with Wednesday Adams (she hasn't watched it, just seen the dance on tik tok and now obsessed). Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume and then because she asked, let her wear it to the party.

I was online and came across pictures of the party. Lots of fashionable 6 yr olds in their denim shorts, sparkly tops and party clothes. Then my little Wednesday sitting on her own. I have text him that he shouldn't have let her go in that outfit. He called me and said why not she looked great and she really wanted to wear it. I agreed she looked amazing but as a parent it was his job to explain time and place etc and that she will end up getting bullied if we don't guide her properly.

I got told to f off and hung up on. We continued to argue it out on text but he feels I'm accusing him of being a bad parent.

So yabu? We should fully support our crazy and slightly weird dd to be herself and dress how she wants or ..

Yanbu we Should be guiding her her to make better social choices

Also, as people mature, they seek out the differences, these make people more interesting!

OP don't let people think you're a bad parent for worrying about your daughter.
Some posters here are quick to tell you that you should let your daughter be herself, and don't criticise her, while at the same time criticising your parenting and telling you, you need to educate yourself and go to parenting classes etc?!?
So they are criticising you for thinking differently to them!
I am a parent to a special needs child, and my son sounds a bit like your sweet girl.
He talks in an American accent and can be a bit overwhelming to other children his age.
I can definitely see your side, but try and embrace the little Wednesday you have.

Wednesday herself is different and look how many of us love watching her 💐

I wouldn't have sent her in fancy dress if it wasn't a fancy dress party. Nothing to do with ASD, simply just the fact that it wasn't a fancy dress party.

Wearing the right clothes is never going to prevent bullying.

Focus on helping your DD build friendships- invite kids for play dates, not the popular kids, invite the other geeky lonely oddball kids.

And help her learn that being popular and fashionable does not make people happy.

YABU. My daughter is 7. She isn’t autistic but she has strong opinions on outfits. The last party she went to, all the other 7 year olds were dressed in trendy clothes and mine was Isabela from Encanto. I was a bit worried the others would comment as they’re getting older now and not as into princess dresses but none of them said anything and my daughter felt great.
your daughter prob felt great as Wednesday. That’s all that matters. And actually Wednesday is very fashionable right now! I think that as long as it’s not inappropriate clothing, let her dress as she feels best for parties

People calling you awful because you didn't want her going to a non fancy dress party in non fancy dress? Wow.

Kindly as also have an ASD and worry about 'differences' and bullying - letting her be herself and be confident really is a great tool to protect herself from bullying

Sometimes being yourself and owning it means you can stand up to bullies. Even if you tried to mask and fit in, differences would be seen, but probably the confidence levels wouldn't be as high and 'trying' to be something you're not would then hurt more if it didn't work

Sometimes being unashamedly you can give internal happiness and ward off the bullies more than trying to 'fit in' but always being uncomfortable

I have a 6 year old - who has a 6 year old friend - None of them would wear denim shorts 😂🤷‍♀️

Kindly OP- let her be herself. If bullying happens, support her and deal with it, but don't hide who she is.

I agree with you OP. By all means if she wanted to wear it to the shops, meal out, cinema....then yes. But to a party that wasn't fancy dress? No I'd have guided her to wear none fancy dress clothes.

Really appreciate this.

As I said above, I'm insecure but even more so as a parent. I'm constantly questioning myself (hence me asking on here). I wont lie that some comments haven't got me upset, but then I should have expected that on here. I just want to do the right thing for my children. I have 2 others and one of them is also ASD/ADHD and the complete opposite to my quirky dd. I'm finding it incredibly hard to parent 3 different ways right now.

Kind words go a long way, thank you x

Let her be herself. She's 6 - if she can't be free not to confirm then when can she be.
I would go as far as to say x,y & z will be wearing jeans & sparkly top coz it's not an actual fancy dress party but if she is adamant then leave her be. Ime 6 year olds barely notice other people's clothing & adults more likely to drive exclusion due to difference.

Give her confidence - bullies much less likely to be interested if she is strong & confident.
I mean this kindly, i really think you are projecting & of course you are right not to want your child to be bullied but I think forcing her to be something she isn't to fit in would ultimately be very damaging.
It's important to learn rules/social norms and with asd to be told them because you won't pick them up but 6 year old party not an occasion where it is relevant.

I see where you are coming from OP. My mum very much pushed me to be myself, to not conform or listen to what other people thought.

I was often very lonely as a child, I found making friends tricky and was often just weird. I did find my groove and my friends a lot later on in life but I wish my mum had taught me balance.

I don't think either extreme is healthy. You need to try to teach your DD that sometimes she needs to go with the flow, but it's also important to find people who accept you for who you are.

Bullies will find a reason to bully, it's not about clothes or hair or whatever.

For what it's worth all the kids I work with who are 9 or 10 yos are obsessed with Wednesday and would have thought she was amazing dressed like that.

I think it's sad that any parents are expecting conformity to 'fashion' at 6, asd or not. If you can't go to a party dressed as a favourite character when you are 6, when can you?

Yes as she has asd there will be social things you need to guide her with a bit, navigating the unwritten rules so she doesn't offend or upset people for example, but I don't think this is one of them. And if it helped her cope with going to the party and feel more comfortable that's great too, better then her being overwhelmed. She's probably not going to be 'the same ' as the others, (not that they will all be fitting in as well or finding things as easy as it probably looks from where you are anyway) and you'll all need to find ways if navigating that, which is a learning process.

I can imagine it must be very worrying, and difficult to know how best to deal with things though, so I do totally understand where you are coming from, and think some posters here are being very harsh. Although my kids aren't diagnosed with any Nd, I too struggle with that internal battle of wanting my kids to be confident to be themselves and wanting them to 'fit in' enough to have friends and not be bullied. I often regret questioning my daughter on things like what is she going to wear, why isn't she joining in with x etc because I realise I'm making her more self conscious rather than helping, and transferring my insecurities on to her. Bullies tend to enjoy bullying people who really don't care what they think less in my experience. But I can totally understand to your reaction to those photos.

Why can't she wear what she wants.

Why does she need to confirm?

Why are you embarrassed by her?

It’s just one photo, it doesn’t mean she was by herself for the whole party.

I’ve got autism, my son has autism (his is fairly severe in that he attends an autism specific specialist school). You have to be careful that you’re not putting your own hopes and expectations on to her. It’s really important for someone with autism to feel fully accepted by those nearest and dearest to them. I spent my whole life trying to fit in and mask who I was because I was aware enough to realise that’s what people wanted me to do. At 42 now it’s left me with a deep feeling of never being good enough. It’s something I work really hard on not passing on to my son.

I’m autistic and was bullied horribly at school. I masked, I mimicked “costume” (clothes, hair, etc.) - but nasty people “smell” the autism a mile off and will do what they’re going to do.

All it meant was that it took me decades to find “me”. Wish my dad had told me to wear Wednesday and fuck the rest.

My eldest is also autistic and of course I worry about bullying and friendships. But I can only guide him in how to handle HIS emotional response - I can’t change them, and I won’t mold him!

Your daughter is albino and autistic, there is no amount of masking that will stop her getting attention and therefore bullying.

But being forced to mask is shit. It makes you feel shit about yourself, it sometimes feels physically painful, it's exhausting, you can't make proper relationships anyway because you can't connect when you're holding yourself in.

Honestly I think she's less likely to be bullied if she's confident and full of life and a strong character. Shes gonna have a less than easy life, you need to brim her with confidence if you want her to get through it.

You teach her to respect peoples boundaries re touching and hugging but let her be her.

Also - did she even want to go to the party? Parties as a kid were my idea of hell - and my sons now. All people with autism can be very different of course but it makes me shudder just remembering how awful they used to make me feel - too much noise, too many people, not enough social rules about how to behave etc. I often pretended I was sick and got my Mum to come and pick me up shortly after they dropped me off as I hated them so much. We never make Ds go to parties etc.

I'm with the ex I'm afraid

My 6 year old went to the library in fancy dress the other day. She loves a pattern clash. As long as it’s appropriate to the weather and she can do the activity in it the out of school clothes are her choice.

I’m sorry about the tough time you had at school and I know it’s hard to watch on and worry about our children.

Your dd doesn’t need to be anyone or anything other than herself. If you, as her mum, can find total acceptance of her, you will be making huge steps towards building her self worth and identity.

it was his job to explain time and place etc

The thing is, when you’re 6, a birthday party is completely the right time and place to play dress up.

Wednesday Addams is very cool to a lot of kids right now - it might not be a typical 6-year-old choice, but I can tell you my 12-year-old would be delighted by your DD!

You sound like a great mum. Don’t fight with your ex if he’s also generally a great dad.

If only all parents were perfect and didn't need to second guess themselves!

Posters like this are not going to support you op. They are here to judge and kick you when you're down.

I most definitely would have tried to point my child to a different outfit but respected them if they said no.