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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex should be guiding ASD daughter with better social decisions

151 replies

Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 07:56

My 6yr old ASD DD is very very quirky. She speaks in a very strong American accent, has no boundaries and is over familiar with everybody and anybody. She talks in a lot of sayings that she picks up from TV and so she doesn't always make sense and come across a little strange. She's also albino and so sticks out a bit with her personality and looks. The majority of school friends seem to have accepted her being that they've been in the same class for a few years but I still see that she can be annoying to them and will notice the odd looks she gets when she's being overbearing as she can be.

Obviously I worry that she'll get bullied at school, she's different and kids can be cruel and so I try to guide her with her behaviours as best as I can.

To the point now.. this weekend she was with her dad and had a birthday party to go to which he got her ready for. It was a double party for 2 girls so 2 whole classes in a hall with DJ etc. Dd has recently become obsessed with Wednesday Adams (she hasn't watched it, just seen the dance on tik tok and now obsessed). Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume and then because she asked, let her wear it to the party.

I was online and came across pictures of the party. Lots of fashionable 6 yr olds in their denim shorts, sparkly tops and party clothes. Then my little Wednesday sitting on her own. I have text him that he shouldn't have let her go in that outfit. He called me and said why not she looked great and she really wanted to wear it. I agreed she looked amazing but as a parent it was his job to explain time and place etc and that she will end up getting bullied if we don't guide her properly.

I got told to f off and hung up on. We continued to argue it out on text but he feels I'm accusing him of being a bad parent.

So yabu? We should fully support our crazy and slightly weird dd to be herself and dress how she wants or ..

Yanbu we Should be guiding her her to make better social choices

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 09:36

She doesn't go on tik tok, her sister showed the clip to her

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/01/2023 09:38

Maybe you need to review elder dd use of social media and sharing with younger.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 09:41

I have no concerns with my eldest showing my youngest a funny dance online. Nothing inapropriate shared and nothing wrong done by either. I also haven't asked for advice about online usage.

OP posts:
PumpkinDart · 29/01/2023 09:42

OP your daughter will spend vast amounts of her life masking, let her be her as much as she can be. Her dad let her embrace herself. My middle daughter is ASD and likes to wear the same as others but my eldest who is NT would totally be the Wednesday in that situation.

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:43

Masking? It was a party that wasn't fancy dress. I agree I wouldn't have sent my child in fancy dress. This is not about masking, it's about a party that WASNT FANCY DRESS.

Sirzy · 29/01/2023 09:45

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:43

Masking? It was a party that wasn't fancy dress. I agree I wouldn't have sent my child in fancy dress. This is not about masking, it's about a party that WASNT FANCY DRESS.

why not? It’s pretty normal for little ones to go to such parties in a Princess dress even if it’s not fancy dress.

if you can’t enjoy being an individual and wearing what you want when your 6 when can you!

Jengnr · 29/01/2023 09:46

Gently I think yabu.

I get it, my daughter has ASD too and I worry about her fitting in with her peers (especially as she gets older the gap widens a bit quicker with girls I think) but ultimately she is who she is and if she’s weird (and she is) no amount of trying to conform will change that and, actually, why should it.

Instead I try and drum home messages about boundaries, which she needs to learn, and try and support her being comfortable in her own skin and accepting herself for who she is, quirks and all.

It’s not easy though and I do understand why you reacted how you have. Ultimately we’re all just trying to do our best for our kids aren’t we?

MarshaBradyo · 29/01/2023 09:50

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:43

Masking? It was a party that wasn't fancy dress. I agree I wouldn't have sent my child in fancy dress. This is not about masking, it's about a party that WASNT FANCY DRESS.

I don’t agree people don’t care that much

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:50

I'm autistic. It doesn't matter how much we mask and try to fit in, we don't, and NTs are cruel and reject us. Her wearing different clothes won't change that.
Let her be herself, and be confident in who she is, rather than pander to the bullies and others who will only reject her anyway.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 29/01/2023 09:50

YABU. I have an eccentric daughter and I encourage it - I was "eccentric" as a child and actually people really respected that, especially as I got older, and very much became a leader rather than a follower.
I think the "personality" things you can work on, but you should make her feel confident in her appearance no matter what.

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:51

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:43

Masking? It was a party that wasn't fancy dress. I agree I wouldn't have sent my child in fancy dress. This is not about masking, it's about a party that WASNT FANCY DRESS.

She was wearing a nice dress inspired by an actress. She wasn't wearing fancy dress.

PeekAtYou · 29/01/2023 09:53

Your motives are coming from a good place but as she gets older, she will be more resentful of the fact that she's expected to conform with NT norms like glitter at a party. It will eventually lead to anxiety of what to wear, how to act, what to say etc
As with the character of Wednesday Adams, the rest of the world should be widening definition of acceptable and embracing her individuality. Allowing her to chose her party clothes is good for self esteem and confidence and you were unreasonable to tell your ex that he'd screwed up. Your dd probably knows that everybody else was wearing glitter but chose to be herself. Embrace that.

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:53

Sirzy · 29/01/2023 09:45

why not? It’s pretty normal for little ones to go to such parties in a Princess dress even if it’s not fancy dress.

if you can’t enjoy being an individual and wearing what you want when your 6 when can you!

Show quote history

Because I'd have simply said to my child it's not fancy dress an no one else will be in fancy dress. I'd have let her wear it to most other places, but I would have said no to a party that wasn't fancy dress.

My son is ASD and I have watched a lifetime of people excluding him and looking at him like there's something wrong. He wouldn't need to go to a party in a fancy dress costume that no one else would be dressed up for, to stand out even further.

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 09:54

Well I think the op sounds like a lovely mum. What are people on about “masking” 🙄. It’s the parents job to guide children. Dd1 didn’t want to wear a dress to a party aged about 8 I insisted as they were going to a posh hotel. Got there all the others in dresses. She squeezed my hand and whispered “thanks”.

I still cringe at the memory from my early twenties of turning up in full Halloween fancy dress to a work do when literally everyone else was in a suit.

WinnieFosterReads · 29/01/2023 09:54

You're exhausted parenting 3 DCs in different ways. That's understandable. But you're adding to your burden by trying to micro-manage your ex's parenting too. You could have taken a second to think 'I'd have put her in a different dress .... ' then let it go. There was no need to mention it to him or for the calls/texts/arguments with him.
Your DD is still small. I had one DC who had very eclectic clothing tastes at that age often involving wellies and a hat - as long as the clothes were clean - I left them to it.

ehcpformhell · 29/01/2023 09:54

Hi OP I think the replies are being quite harsh. Kindly, you probably did overeact a bit particularly in telling ex partner off. And I totally get what people are saying re the long term problems with masking.

However there is a balance, particularly as they get older. With my ASD DD I used to just let her wear what she wanted and be herself but that lead to situations like going in a non-uniform day in a lovely party dress and everyone else in jeans/leggings and then feeling very self conscious as she judged it totally wrong. I felt really bad as honestly I knew what the others would be wearing but didn't want to constantly nag her to fit in. So now I do guide her much more on her choices - as she often can't gauge these situations herself and it can make her feel very self conscious.

I guess it's like as an adult going to a party dressed in casual jeans and a t-shirt only to find you missed the hidden bit on the invitation that everyone saw that said you should wear black tie and ball gowns!

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:54

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:51

She was wearing a nice dress inspired by an actress. She wasn't wearing fancy dress.

Show quote history

She was wearing fancy dress

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:56

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 09:54

Well I think the op sounds like a lovely mum. What are people on about “masking” 🙄. It’s the parents job to guide children. Dd1 didn’t want to wear a dress to a party aged about 8 I insisted as they were going to a posh hotel. Got there all the others in dresses. She squeezed my hand and whispered “thanks”.

I still cringe at the memory from my early twenties of turning up in full Halloween fancy dress to a work do when literally everyone else was in a suit.

Exactly!

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:56

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/01/2023 08:37

Why can't she wear what she wants.

Why does she need to confirm?

Why are you embarrassed by her?

THIS!

This is about you OP, rather than your DD. Explore why this makes you so uncomfortable/anxious and see what with you can do within yourself. I do get it, I was bullied for being autistic (I mean my bullies would have said it was because I was weird, and wore weird clothes, and used weird colours when colouring, and used weird words when talking, but we all know it was because I was autistic) but I don't make my DD mask like I did, mostly because it doesn't work and just made me so insecure in myself that's taken decades to unpick.

I had to look at why I was so uncomfortable with letting her be herself and it was all my own issues.

MarshaBradyo · 29/01/2023 09:58

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 09:54

Well I think the op sounds like a lovely mum. What are people on about “masking” 🙄. It’s the parents job to guide children. Dd1 didn’t want to wear a dress to a party aged about 8 I insisted as they were going to a posh hotel. Got there all the others in dresses. She squeezed my hand and whispered “thanks”.

I still cringe at the memory from my early twenties of turning up in full Halloween fancy dress to a work do when literally everyone else was in a suit.

Early twenties is quite a bit older than six

Dd is five and no one cares

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:58

Kinde · 29/01/2023 09:54

She was wearing fancy dress

Show quote history

No. Reframe it. What makes it fancy dress? An arbitrary definition? It's a black dress for goodness sake.

It's only fancy dress if you have a very narrow view and are unable to see things in more than one way.

Ryin · 29/01/2023 10:02

zurala · 29/01/2023 09:58

No. Reframe it. What makes it fancy dress? An arbitrary definition? It's a black dress for goodness sake.

It's only fancy dress if you have a very narrow view and are unable to see things in more than one way.

Show quote history

Just wondering if you read the original post....

Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume

GoT1904 · 29/01/2023 10:03

With love: at 6 you have more room to let her be. Just let her be quirky and wear what she wants. If she was older I might share your worry. But she's still little xx

Tired2beyond · 29/01/2023 10:03

If she was 15 maybe, but 6 year olds wearing weird and wonderful things or fancy dress at parties isn't really out of the norm.
As others have said if she's going to get bullied or excluded it will probably happen regardless of the clothes.
I'm also asd and spent a ridiculously large amount of my childhood in a pirate costume, I didn't have many friends but I had so much fun in my pirate world! if you can't dress in fun things at 6 when can you.

Bellalalala · 29/01/2023 10:04

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 09:54

Well I think the op sounds like a lovely mum. What are people on about “masking” 🙄. It’s the parents job to guide children. Dd1 didn’t want to wear a dress to a party aged about 8 I insisted as they were going to a posh hotel. Got there all the others in dresses. She squeezed my hand and whispered “thanks”.

I still cringe at the memory from my early twenties of turning up in full Halloween fancy dress to a work do when literally everyone else was in a suit.

No one said wearing the Wednesday dress was masking.

Masking happens when a ND person is trying to force themselves to conform to what they think everyone else wants them to do.

Op wants her dd to fit, wear what other people wear, be more like other people and be guided into being like everyone else. That’s masking.

Masking is exhausting and can be debilitating and lead to all sorts of other issues.

You guiding your dd to wear is a dress is not the same. If an ND child is really uncomfortable in a piece of clothing, they won’t feel grateful everyone else is wearing the same.

My ds has sensory issues around jeans and never wears them. He wouldn’t give a shit if everyone else wore them. All he would feel is extremely uncomfortable to the point he can’t not focus on anything. It causes sensory overload and eventual melt down. So we never push him to wear them.