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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex should be guiding ASD daughter with better social decisions

151 replies

Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 07:56

My 6yr old ASD DD is very very quirky. She speaks in a very strong American accent, has no boundaries and is over familiar with everybody and anybody. She talks in a lot of sayings that she picks up from TV and so she doesn't always make sense and come across a little strange. She's also albino and so sticks out a bit with her personality and looks. The majority of school friends seem to have accepted her being that they've been in the same class for a few years but I still see that she can be annoying to them and will notice the odd looks she gets when she's being overbearing as she can be.

Obviously I worry that she'll get bullied at school, she's different and kids can be cruel and so I try to guide her with her behaviours as best as I can.

To the point now.. this weekend she was with her dad and had a birthday party to go to which he got her ready for. It was a double party for 2 girls so 2 whole classes in a hall with DJ etc. Dd has recently become obsessed with Wednesday Adams (she hasn't watched it, just seen the dance on tik tok and now obsessed). Ex got her the Wednesday fancy dress costume and then because she asked, let her wear it to the party.

I was online and came across pictures of the party. Lots of fashionable 6 yr olds in their denim shorts, sparkly tops and party clothes. Then my little Wednesday sitting on her own. I have text him that he shouldn't have let her go in that outfit. He called me and said why not she looked great and she really wanted to wear it. I agreed she looked amazing but as a parent it was his job to explain time and place etc and that she will end up getting bullied if we don't guide her properly.

I got told to f off and hung up on. We continued to argue it out on text but he feels I'm accusing him of being a bad parent.

So yabu? We should fully support our crazy and slightly weird dd to be herself and dress how she wants or ..

Yanbu we Should be guiding her her to make better social choices

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 29/01/2023 08:53

I am more concerned that 6 year olds are already conforming to fashion. Sure it wasn’t like that when my DS was that age and he is 17.

Did your DD enjoy the party?

thisusernameisnotavailablepleasetryanother · 29/01/2023 08:55

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/01/2023 08:37

Why can't she wear what she wants.

Why does she need to confirm?

Why are you embarrassed by her?

Why don't you wind your neck in?

MarshaBradyo · 29/01/2023 08:55

She doesn’t need to wear the same

Houselamp · 29/01/2023 08:57

Of course you want to prevent her being bullied, the situation sounds really hard. While she is so young, I would just help her build her confidence and self worth and not worry too much about her fitting in yet. You could help her with learning to take turns in a conversation and remembering to listen to others etc
But she is only 6, if you start 'correcting' her personality she might be more likely to think that there is something wrong with the way she is, if even her mum is critical of her and tries to fix her to be less 'weird'.

It's hard to watch your child be bullied for things you think she could learn to change about herself but there isn't really a way for you to lead that without her feeling judged and blamed for not being able to be like the other girls.

I'd focus on helping her to be polite/considerate with her classmates and then build her up so that if she does fall victim to bullying - she has a base of feeling confident and loved, rather than already feeling like its her fault for not being 'normal'. You can't make her 'unbullyable' but you can give her the best shot at being strong and confident enough to withstand it.

Crazyducklady · 29/01/2023 08:57

Few things to unpick here.

YANBU for worrying about overbearing behaviour. As the parent of 2 ASD children I understand how tricky this can be and the worry of your child being bullied. It is helpful to practise and model respecting other people’s space and personal boundaries, conversational turn taking etc. Her peers will also be learning this, she’s only 6 after all, she will just need more support.

YABU for caring about what outfit she wears to a party. As long as it’s age appropriate, who cares? Let her be her fabulous, unique self.

YABVU to allow a 6 year old on Tiktok whether supervised or not. It’s age 13+ for a reason.

Branleuse · 29/01/2023 08:58

OP, kindly, you have to accept your dd for who she is.
I was also bullied at school and it has been incredibly hard at times watching my odd little children do weird shit and me not freak out about them making themselves a target. It made me so anxious that them being different was putting them in danger.
I think you have to guide them, but the other kids know her and accept her. She also knows the other kids and doesnt want to act and dress like them. Be her safe person that she knows she can be herself with. Not someone that is always telling her shes not quite right.
She needs to make friends with other kids that are a bit different and sparky. Are there any drama groups or creative type kids clubs near you? Or maybe woodcraft folk.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 09:01

Crazyducklady · 29/01/2023 08:57

Few things to unpick here.

YANBU for worrying about overbearing behaviour. As the parent of 2 ASD children I understand how tricky this can be and the worry of your child being bullied. It is helpful to practise and model respecting other people’s space and personal boundaries, conversational turn taking etc. Her peers will also be learning this, she’s only 6 after all, she will just need more support.

YABU for caring about what outfit she wears to a party. As long as it’s age appropriate, who cares? Let her be her fabulous, unique self.

YABVU to allow a 6 year old on Tiktok whether supervised or not. It’s age 13+ for a reason.

Appreciate your comments.

Just to add she doesn't go on tik tok. My eldest daughter was on it and showed my DD the dance clip because she knew she'd like it and she's heard the song before. Also, she's never watched Wednesday. Just seen snippets of it here and there.

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 29/01/2023 09:02

What is more important here is that your DD has been watching Tiktoc. It really isn't age appropriate.

Perhaps with her mimacing an American accent comes from her screen time and what she is exposed to. I would severely limit that.

As for her choice of clothing...my DS spent between the years of 4-6 in superhero costumes - to the point where he had more dress up than clothes. To him it was his armour, his ability to be himself in confidence. You can't and shouldn't stop that.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/01/2023 09:02

Hi OP,

It's such a minefield isn't it? Your DD needs to develop socially and there are no easy answers. But on this one you ex has it about right. Like other kids, the most important social qualities that your DD needs to develop are kindness and consideration for others, and good boundaries to protect herself. All that will take a long time to grow (been there, done that, or at least tried)

Sometimes it really matters to dress like everyone else, but the one time DD can wear what she likes is her own birthday party! A birthday party is a big social occasion, wearing what she likes best and enjoying herself with the other kids will build her confidence and skills for the future. And who knows, she might start a trend among the other kids.

Speaking as an old lag who probably got this wrong a lot - try to focus on just the most important things. That way your life doesn't become a constant battleground and she doesn't spend her life worrying about potential mistakes.

Oh, and your DD sounds like an absolute treasure! Flowers

Sirzy · 29/01/2023 09:03

Don’t let your insecurities negatively impact your child. She shouldn’t have to change herself to fit in with the crowd. That risks setting up for a much bigger issue moving forward.

she is who she is and should be able to embrace that.

GetDownkeith · 29/01/2023 09:03

I can see why you feel the way you do. I was bullied at school and it leaves its mark.
I say this as someone who had similar thoughts to you when my dc were small but if bullies want to bully someone they will find something to pick on and you can't protect your child with clothes etc.
My two oldest are older teens now and although never badly bullied were picked on a bit at times and they are both a bit quirky and alternative and confidently themselves, have a great bunch of friends who don't mind the quirks just like them for them.
I'd let your dad be herself Wednesday outfit and all because if people are going to be mean they will find something.

Ncgirlseriously · 29/01/2023 09:03

I was going to ask if you were bullied, but I can see that you’ve already replied that you were.

I think that the experience of being badly bullied can make you fixated on your own children in a slightly unhealthy way. My son has a birthmark on his forehead (we call it his Harry Potter mark because it’s essentially that) and my ex has been fixated on that and used to bring up constantly that he worried our son would be bullied because of it. To the point where I had to tell him to no longer speak of it in front of our son because it was going to give him a complex about it. Of course, my kid isn’t even in school yet but he’s had no issues with other kids about it.

If I were you I’d try and make peace with your own experience of bullying and just deal with any issues your daughter has as and when they crop up. There’s more understanding of autism these days, and your daughter is just being herself. Obviously we want to protect our kids (my son is also autistic) but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wearing a costume to a party.

WandaWonder · 29/01/2023 09:04

I agree with your husband, there is worrying and there is controlling and smothering her

Original poster
Kayos10 · 29/01/2023 09:05

PizzaPastaWine · 29/01/2023 09:02

What is more important here is that your DD has been watching Tiktoc. It really isn't age appropriate.

Perhaps with her mimacing an American accent comes from her screen time and what she is exposed to. I would severely limit that.

As for her choice of clothing...my DS spent between the years of 4-6 in superhero costumes - to the point where he had more dress up than clothes. To him it was his armour, his ability to be himself in confidence. You can't and shouldn't stop that.

She doesn't go on tik tok. Her older sister showed her the dance with the different song because she knew she liked it. Also the accent has nothing to do with screen time, it's a common asd trait (as confirmed by the paediatrician who diagnosed her and told me he has come across Japanese and french accents too)

OP posts:
MrsMikeHeck · 29/01/2023 09:06

Just a thought OP. Rather than her ready made Wedsnesday fancy dress, would you be confident creating a version of the costume yourself?

You could probably pick lots of bits from charity shops and adapt them. It would be a lot of fun for you and your dd and would prob end up even better than the shop bought version. You could have a whole Wednesday dressing up box with the uniform, a collared dress etc.

Best of luck - I know it’s hard. There’s a physical pain to the need to protect our children.

MrsMikeHeck · 29/01/2023 09:07

Not rather than her ready made costume, but as well as.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/01/2023 09:09

Unfortunately you've had harsh responses because this is Mumsnet and that's what seems to happen. In cases like this I console myself with the thought that there is no way the people responding most harshly are perfect parents themselves! Because it must be hard growing up with someone who is that dismissive of anyone who makes a mistake or a different decision than they would have, and who shows so little empathy for why they might have done that!

You're dealing with difficult things OP. In this particular case I think your ex was right, but I think most people understand it's difficult to know how best to parent any child, especially one with any additional needs or neurodiversity, that there are no easy answers, and that you are coming from a good place!

BigMadAdrian · 29/01/2023 09:10

Masking is exhausting and soul destroying and it doesn't work - everyone can still tell. Sorry op but YABVU and your ex dh was right to let her be herself. It's a really hard thing to come to terms with, but an autistic child can not successfully pretend to be like everyone else and it can have an enormously detrimental impact on their mental health. My dd spent her primary years masking (fairly well) but it all fell apart in year 7. The thing that has turned it around for her is therapy that has helped her to understand how she ticks and how to advocate for herself, as well as encouraging her to be proud of who she is - trying to fit in with NT people is not the answer.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/01/2023 09:10

You might find The Unwritten Rules of Friendship book useful, it has lots of good strategies for kids with different social problems including being a bit overwhelming and being bullied (and even being a bully!). It's not specific to ASD but I found it helpful. And I think there are some online resources by the same authors.

MrsMikeHeck · 29/01/2023 09:10

Simplelobsterhat · 29/01/2023 09:09

Unfortunately you've had harsh responses because this is Mumsnet and that's what seems to happen. In cases like this I console myself with the thought that there is no way the people responding most harshly are perfect parents themselves! Because it must be hard growing up with someone who is that dismissive of anyone who makes a mistake or a different decision than they would have, and who shows so little empathy for why they might have done that!

You're dealing with difficult things OP. In this particular case I think your ex was right, but I think most people understand it's difficult to know how best to parent any child, especially one with any additional needs or neurodiversity, that there are no easy answers, and that you are coming from a good place!

Well said

riotlady · 29/01/2023 09:12

YABU. I get where you’re coming from
but I think it’s more valuable for a child to feel unconditional acceptance and support from their parents than to always fit in with their peers. The knowledge that it’s ok to be herself is going to carry her further and with more confidence than being slightly more skilled at masking and blending in.

ItsCalledAConversation · 29/01/2023 09:15

I believe YABU, it was a Wednesday costume, no big deal. you are going to need to get used to your DD being different and lean into it.

saltofcelery · 29/01/2023 09:23

Your daughter sounds amazing, please don't say she's crazy or weird. I love that she got to pick a fabulous outfit as opposed to the other children whose parents would likely have chosen coordinating party outfits.

Be proud of who she is. Bullying will probably come down the line (not because of who she is, but who the bullies are). Tell her how amazing she is, tell her she's unique and that it's wonderful.

JacquelinePot · 29/01/2023 09:33

Honestly, i think the bigger problem is letting a 6 year old on tiktok

Riu · 29/01/2023 09:33

OP, I really sympathise with you and I totally understand that you want to protect your child. We all have to do things in social situations that don’t necessarily come naturally in order to get along with other people. But in this situation your daughter wasn’t doing anything that was wrong. I would give her the same advice as you would give a NT child: please and thank you, don’t hog the pass the parcel etc. but I wouldn’t be over protective when she is doing things that are different but positive for her and completely fine for other people. (Although, this actually sounds quite standard for a 6 Yr old).