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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re blended family and finances

131 replies

lovemedough · 29/01/2023 06:32

My bf and I have been together 3 years ish, we bought a house together about a year ago. I have 2 kids that are with us 75% of the time, he has one kid who is with us maybe 25% of the time.

We are generally happy , kids get along all is good apart from issues around money.

We earn roughly the same but i get a decent amount of child support from my ex each month.

A couple of times per month, I take my kids on days out, sometimes a night away as well as weekends away plus a couple of holidays per year. He can't afford to do this. I can't afford to pay for him and his kid to join us.

He has complained about how divisive he finds the situation and how he feels it's unfair on his kid...

I don't want to give up my adventures with my kids, we have a great time.

Partner is terrible With money. ( always seems to have enough to go out with friends though ...)

So AIBU ?
Should I do less with my kids so I can afford to include partner snd step kid on some trips?

Or YABU
I shouldn't be expected to finance partner and step kid

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 06:35

If he’s terrible with money then ask him why he doesn’t look at his finances so that he can afford to come sometimes. I can see his point but also his kid isn’t there 75% of the time. If they were all the time I might think it’s a little unfair but assume most of the time you go his kid isn’t there anyway

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 29/01/2023 06:36

Sounds like he doesn’t prioritise his money for his kid, rather his friends.

So no you shouldn’t stop doing stuff with your kids. But be prepared for this to become a bone of contention between the two of you.

TheOpenRoad · 29/01/2023 06:45

Do you plan your outings for the 75% of the time that your DP's child is not with you?

This doesn't seem like an either or situation but one where compromise is reasonable. Plan a lower cost activity and let partner know ahead of time that he and child are welcome and what the cost is

Sleepless1096 · 29/01/2023 06:50

He can save his money to do stuff with his child rather than going out with friends if it bothers him, can't he?

Raindancer411 · 29/01/2023 06:50

No, you need time with just you and your children without him and his one. I would be a bit worried getting into a relationship with someone who isn't great with money to be honest.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 06:51

TheOpenRoad · 29/01/2023 06:45

Do you plan your outings for the 75% of the time that your DP's child is not with you?

This doesn't seem like an either or situation but one where compromise is reasonable. Plan a lower cost activity and let partner know ahead of time that he and child are welcome and what the cost is

I've tried that! I send him links to Wowcher deals etc but he doesn't do anything about them.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 06:53

Raindancer411 · 29/01/2023 06:50

No, you need time with just you and your children without him and his one. I would be a bit worried getting into a relationship with someone who isn't great with money to be honest.

The rest of the relationship is great though. We are really in love and the kids are happy.

I knew he was shit with money from very early on if I'm honest and apart from mortgage and bills, I insisted in separate finances.

OP posts:
coopy10 · 29/01/2023 06:56

I would carry on doing what you're doing to be honest, because if he wanted to prioritise days out he would. No way would I start paying for him to join in as what incentive would there ever be for him to start paying his way. Agree also that your kids will value the time one on one with you without your boyfriend there.

Clymene · 29/01/2023 06:59

How come he earns the same as you and only has one child but has no money to take his kid out?

Babsexxx · 29/01/2023 07:00

No some people are just plain terrible with money but can’t see it, you need to point these things out we aren’t hard up but I definitely wouldn’t be wasting money going out down the pubs etc as it’s soo expensive now.

He isn’t prioritising his child he won’t like what you have to say but it needs to be said because it’s the truth. Especially if he’s getting so bitter we are all human and some times things really need to be black and white. I’d say something along the lines of “well I don’t go out as I prefer making memories with my children plenty of time for the pub and friends when there older!”

I do feel sorry for his child though.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:02

Babsexxx · 29/01/2023 07:00

No some people are just plain terrible with money but can’t see it, you need to point these things out we aren’t hard up but I definitely wouldn’t be wasting money going out down the pubs etc as it’s soo expensive now.

He isn’t prioritising his child he won’t like what you have to say but it needs to be said because it’s the truth. Especially if he’s getting so bitter we are all human and some times things really need to be black and white. I’d say something along the lines of “well I don’t go out as I prefer making memories with my children plenty of time for the pub and friends when there older!”

I do feel sorry for his child though.

I've done all that!
Nothing changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:04

Clymene · 29/01/2023 06:59

How come he earns the same as you and only has one child but has no money to take his kid out?

He has a bit of debt
He pays child support
And I get a decent amount from my ex on top of my salary

Despite all this, he should still have some expendable income. he is just TERRIBLE with money.

He runs out each month !

OP posts:
Ameadowwalk · 29/01/2023 07:13

lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:04

He has a bit of debt
He pays child support
And I get a decent amount from my ex on top of my salary

Despite all this, he should still have some expendable income. he is just TERRIBLE with money.

He runs out each month !

Show quote history

Right okay, so you earn roughly the same but you have maintenance coming in and he has maintenance going out. So your starting points are different, probably to the tune of several hundred pounds. Plus debt repayments, which are his issue, but you are still actually not in the same position financially. You are much better off which is how you can afford holidays and he cannot. Even if he was good with money, you would still have more of it every month.

I get your point that he is spending money going out with friends and you are not. But you have your kids 75% of the time, he doesn’t.

I think there is a compromise here in that sometimes the days out do include his DC, otherwise this is going to eat away at your marriage. Are you paying bills equally? Or proportionately to the fact that you get more maintenance to pay for the fact that your DC are also there?

So I would work out proportionately how much better off you are a month and then budget to include his DC on that proportion of trips. It’s important to have time with your DC alone yourself as well.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:21

So, I pay slightly more each month on house bills as my kids are there more

We pay the mortgage equally, and have equal stake despite the fact that I put £100k deposit on the house and he put £0.

I pay for a cleaner as well as anything that needs buying for the house

If we have a takeaway or take all the kids to lunch etc, I pay.

I also pay for extras such a as Netflix, Spotify and I give all 3 kids weekly pocket money, pay for his kid's birthday party so she has the same as my kids... etc

I think the starting point is already pretty equal??

I am not tight with money at all. In fact, I'm trying to be less of a sap when it comes to money!

OP posts:
Chilliee · 29/01/2023 07:26

Is he terrible with money or does he just not have enough of it? He has maintenance going out and you have a lot of maintenance coming in so your starting points are very different regardless of similar salaries. But then he has 1 child to fund 25% of the time and you have 2 kids 75% of the time so possibly a fair reflection.

If you are so happy and so in love and want to be together, it sounds like you are comfortable with money. Would it hurt to take him and his child every now and then as it sounds like you do an awful lot with your kids?

I'm just thinking if this post was the other way round and it was the man taking his kids out and leaving a woman at home with a child, the replies would prob jump on the man for being selfish!

Shoxfordian · 29/01/2023 07:27

He chooses not to spend his money on doing things with you or his kid; it’s all his choice

He doesn’t sound like a good partner tbh; being shit with money should have been a big red flag

ArcticSkewer · 29/01/2023 07:29

Sorry .... why did you gift him half the house deposit? Don't you want your children to inherit that £100k some day?

Anyway, back to the question. What you do when his child isn't there is up to you, and I would do most of this stuff then, but if you are blended enough to give him £100k then you are blended enough to take his child out with you occasionally as well.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:29

Chilliee · 29/01/2023 07:26

Is he terrible with money or does he just not have enough of it? He has maintenance going out and you have a lot of maintenance coming in so your starting points are very different regardless of similar salaries. But then he has 1 child to fund 25% of the time and you have 2 kids 75% of the time so possibly a fair reflection.

If you are so happy and so in love and want to be together, it sounds like you are comfortable with money. Would it hurt to take him and his child every now and then as it sounds like you do an awful lot with your kids?

I'm just thinking if this post was the other way round and it was the man taking his kids out and leaving a woman at home with a child, the replies would prob jump on the man for being selfish!

That's a really good point!

I do pay for emails out, cinema etc and I treat his child to clothes and trainers when I do the same for mine but trips are so expensive right now and I can't do it all.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 29/01/2023 07:29

I think the maintenance is irrelevant. OP has her children living with her so her outgoings overall are higher. There is no way i would want to pay for an extra child just because its father is a feckless arse.

I'm not sure this financial set up is sustainable long term though - there will be a build up of resentment from each side and will cause major issues ahead. It's a shame you moved in together, especially knowing how bad your partner is with money.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:29

ArcticSkewer · 29/01/2023 07:29

Sorry .... why did you gift him half the house deposit? Don't you want your children to inherit that £100k some day?

Anyway, back to the question. What you do when his child isn't there is up to you, and I would do most of this stuff then, but if you are blended enough to give him £100k then you are blended enough to take his child out with you occasionally as well.

Sorry I didn't explain that properly! We have an equal shake in equity. The deposit is legally all mine!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:31

CalistoNoSolo · 29/01/2023 07:29

I think the maintenance is irrelevant. OP has her children living with her so her outgoings overall are higher. There is no way i would want to pay for an extra child just because its father is a feckless arse.

I'm not sure this financial set up is sustainable long term though - there will be a build up of resentment from each side and will cause major issues ahead. It's a shame you moved in together, especially knowing how bad your partner is with money.

What so I do? End a lovely, happy relationship because of one flaw?

That's not realistic. We are in love and happy.

This is the real world. People don't end relationships and walk away from people they love because of issues like this.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 29/01/2023 07:33

Can you both put £50/month each in the joint pot for 1x big trip a month as a family?

Then you can take your kids out alone the rest of the time that your step child isn't around.

Dashel · 29/01/2023 07:34

I am relieved to read your update that the £100k deposit is protected.

Could you offer to help him do a budget so he can workout how much he wants to spend on his dc and put aside for holidays and Christmas etc and then he can see what’s left for socialising?

It sounds like you are already pretty generous. How much does he spend on himself every month?

If he is ignoring suggestions on cheap days out it sounds like he is leaving you to step up in sorting out his child buying them clothes and taking them out

Ameadowwalk · 29/01/2023 07:34

Wow, putting 100k on a joint mortgage after two years together when you have two kids was one hell of a risk. Especially with someone who added zero.
I am not sure what to add to this. It is an unequal situation to start with. It’s going to end up causing bitterness and resentment because you have different priorities when it comes to money.

Original poster
lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:34

EmmaDilemma5 · 29/01/2023 07:33

Can you both put £50/month each in the joint pot for 1x big trip a month as a family?

Then you can take your kids out alone the rest of the time that your step child isn't around.

I suggested that yesterday actually! He said he couldn't afford it. ( then told me he was going to a festival with his friends in June Envy)

OP posts: