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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re blended family and finances

131 replies

lovemedough · 29/01/2023 06:32

My bf and I have been together 3 years ish, we bought a house together about a year ago. I have 2 kids that are with us 75% of the time, he has one kid who is with us maybe 25% of the time.

We are generally happy , kids get along all is good apart from issues around money.

We earn roughly the same but i get a decent amount of child support from my ex each month.

A couple of times per month, I take my kids on days out, sometimes a night away as well as weekends away plus a couple of holidays per year. He can't afford to do this. I can't afford to pay for him and his kid to join us.

He has complained about how divisive he finds the situation and how he feels it's unfair on his kid...

I don't want to give up my adventures with my kids, we have a great time.

Partner is terrible With money. ( always seems to have enough to go out with friends though ...)

So AIBU ?
Should I do less with my kids so I can afford to include partner snd step kid on some trips?

Or YABU
I shouldn't be expected to finance partner and step kid

OP posts:
Ragwort · 29/01/2023 08:52

Too late Lured she's's already bought a house with this loser ..... Sad

HikingforScenery · 29/01/2023 08:57

Aprilx · 29/01/2023 07:55

But you are living like flat mates more than like a family. Obviously you will do more with your children as they are with you more, but it seems like you exclude even your partner from these activities. Shouldn’t you be planning things to do together as a family (and I mean whether his children are there or not). I can’t imagine announcing to my husband that I was off on a day trip but he can’t come because he is skint, this is not how a partnership works.

I actually agree with previous poster, that you don’t seem to have worked out the basics of how your relationship will function from a finances point of view and yet you have bought a house with somebody and financially entangled yourself with him.

Show quote history

I agree with this. How about the two of you agreeing some cheaper trips you can all go on together with his child?

HelenHywater · 29/01/2023 08:59

Well it's not just about money is it OP. he's prioritising his own leisure activity over both his dd and you. He really can't moan if he's making those choices.

Like PP, I don't think this is a little thing. I was married to someone who was USELESS with money and the relief I feel now that I'm no longer bothered by him is huge. I'd never tie my finances in with someone who wasn't good with money now (let alone buy a house).

GrazingSheep · 29/01/2023 09:05

Just don’t have a baby with this selfish man. You’ll end up paying for everything too.

Floofyduffypuddy · 29/01/2023 09:06

I was going good with money and I changed for my DH
He got very stressed about it and I tried for his sake.

We completely reorganised our finances and he has a spreadsheet.
We have separate accounts but numerous joint saving accounts where we both save for all on going and larger expenses like Christmas,hokdiays.

I pay for the children's Extra curricular lessons, he has a pot on his account for their school meal's, school expenses, school trip.

I have an extra savings pot for them which I can use for more fun things like special clothes....
.we have pots for bday and so on.

We have month money set asides for funat weekend.
Just knowing what I can afford has been amazing so when we go out I don't feel guilty having a drink etc.

He may enjoy that.

Knowing where he is .

As i said I was totally fed up of not knowing what money I had and upsetting DH so I changed. I am still erring towards being a spender and he errs towards being tight however we meet more in the middle and it works

Floofyduffypuddy · 29/01/2023 09:07

argh!! ..i was not* good with money 💰

Cherrysoup · 29/01/2023 09:12

I get that you’re in love, it’s a great relationship etc, but he’s prioritising going out with his mates but ignoring the offers you send for his child, yet whinges when you take your own dc out, you buy everything for the house and he only contributes to the mortgage when you paid a whacking £100K deposit. You also pay for meals out. Do you earn considerably more than him? He sounds like he’s getting away with murder! I guarantee you do the lion’s share of housework/cooking too?

Overandunderit · 29/01/2023 09:12

OP I get that you think it's a single issue but his lack of budgeting or wish to budget seems based purely on his selfish approach to life it's not some innocent person being disorganised.

Before nights out with friends and festivals he should be prioritising his DC.

It sounds like he either wants your DC to have a lower quality of life by not going on adventures or for you to pay for his DC. Both of which aren't just a question of budgeting and for me would question the relationship on a fundamental level.

So consider that before busting out the biscuit emoji yeah?

Yousee · 29/01/2023 09:15

Confusednewmum1 · 29/01/2023 07:34

I feel bad for his kid. But it’s ok as long as he never ever goes.

it can never look like dad got a new family who do x,y,d but never invite his kid.

does his daughter get equal in your home such as own room ect?

sorry it’s just horrible seeing step kids getting treated better materially, when they already have the benefit of having your daddy more than you.

She should be the one to get more since she doesn’t get her daddy 100%. Could the custody agreement be changed? If he had 50/50 then no child support for him to pay so more cash to make things even and no step kids seeing her daddy more than her.

You clearly are confused.
OPs children don't get their own Daddy 100% of the time either so maybe they should be the ones to "get more".
Or maybe all of the children should be getting the best childhoods their two parents are able to provide?
And OPs children should not automatically "get less" than another child (who also sees dad about 25% of the time because 100-75=25) just because some posters smell the SM and go for blood regardless of logic or morals?

caringcarer · 29/01/2023 09:17

OP, I hope you protected your £100k deposit in case of a split. Sounds as if you already treat his DD to birthday parties etc. Could you take your kids out for treats on weekends his DD is not there?

Skyeheather · 29/01/2023 09:19

He can go to a festival for the weekend with his mates or he can use the money for him and his kid to join you and yours on a weekend away - he chooses to go to the festival.

He can afford to pay for himself and his kid to join you but he'd rather spend his money on himself. Until he sees this, this is an argument you won't win.

Phineyj · 29/01/2023 09:24

Why don't you run an experiment for a while? Set up a new account with Monzo or one of those other new banks where you can manage it very easily on an app and both have logins. Agree on the cost of some days out for the 5 of you, to start at the beginning of the school summer holidays. Agree what you both need to pay in per month. In June, when he hasn't paid anything in, you would a) have evidence that he doesn't have any serious intention of contributing and b) have some money to spend! If it's just that he's "rubbish with money" then he should welcome it being made this easy?

SmileWithADimple · 29/01/2023 09:27

I agree with pp that this isn't just about him being hopeless with money. It's about him being selfish and prioritising time with his mates over time with his family. And then moaning that he should still be able to have time with his family as well and it's your fault because you won't pay for it.

But anyway, in answer to your question, YANBU to continue as you are. With perhaps the odd trip including your DP and DSC.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/01/2023 09:29

lovemedough · 29/01/2023 07:49

I feel as though this is going off on a tangent ! I'm not ending my relationship over this.

My deposit is 100% legally protected. He pays half the mortgage. I'm a solicitor, I know what I'm doing!

Do people really walk away from the person they love and who makes them happy because they can't budget? I assume all these women saying this have 100% perfect partners Biscuit

I think I have my answer. I am not being unreasonable to carry on doing what I'm doing !

Look it’s your relationship and your choice, obviously. It wouldn’t be for me but if you’re happy then it’s your life.

It seems that you are already subsidising him to some degree - again your decision and you’re comfortable with that.

The absolute dealbreaker for me wouldn’t be the fact that he ’can’t’ budget, it’s that he clearly doesn’t prioritise his child and seems to expect you to make up for his shortcomings. Again, if you can live with that then fine - your life. But I would struggle to have an iota of respect for a man who can’t manage the most basic of adult functions and refuses to create a family life for his child because he’d rather fuck off to a festival with his mates.

Surely you can do better than this? If only so your own dc don’t grow up with this ridiculous man child who gives no fucks about his own dc and is happy to scrounge off their mother as a role model.

Floofyduffypuddy · 29/01/2023 09:31

@Phineyj

Excellent idea..

If op set's it up and be won't try it ... clearly something's else going on

ThirtyThreeTrees · 29/01/2023 09:52

I can't believe you are a solicitor. Your judgement is so off.

It not just about money, it's parenting, respect, maturity, priorities, appreciation and consideration. His attitude shows he is bad at all of these things and inconsiderate towards both you and his child. It's not just a small issue.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2023 09:55

It’s probably not even just the money.
He probably wants you to plan and organise things for him to do with his child too.

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2023 09:56

You are not being unreasonable at all. You've made a good suggestion of both putting £50 into a pot, each month. Which he's turned down, yet booked festival tickets for himself?! He clearly doesn't want to waste any money on his child, as he enjoys spending it on himself and prefers for you to pay it. Just say no, and carry on as normal.

Slothmomma · 29/01/2023 10:26

I'm not sure you're idea of blended is the same as other people's.

You are basically paying for 2 extra people to reside with you.

You go out and do day trips and holidays as a family of 3 as opposed to 5 - so as you did when single.

I'm not sure what you get from this set up over and above that of being together/living apart - which would be cheaper for you

It is tales like this that has put me off ever attempting the same thing

Yabado · 29/01/2023 10:31

out of interest where was he living before he met you because he’s certainly done well from being with you

He seems like he’s a cocklodger and a
manchild
you treat his kid like yours
you pay more into the household therefore you are already subsidizing him and his child

festivals aren’t cheap
Travel tickets staying over / camping hotels food and beer
even a one day festival he would be lucky to get change out of £150

He is trying to make you feel guilty for treating your kids
when he could do the same but he would rather go to a festival

ChubbyMorticia · 29/01/2023 10:33

Your maintenance has 0 to do with anything. That’s not part of the house budget, imo. That’s for your kids. And none of it should be spent on him or his child.

Why are you enabling his poor financial decisions? As long as he can shove responsibilities off on you, why would he have to change a thing? He got a house with zero effort, no wonder he’s baffled about being told no now.

I’d absolutely take a hard line on this. It’s not your responsibility to cover for him and pay for his child when they’re with you. It’s not that he CAN’T, it’s that he WON’T, and that makes all the difference, imo

44PumpLane · 29/01/2023 10:44

OP you're not being unreasonable.

It sounds like you already pay out plenty of money to ensure all 3 of the children have opportunities for fun.

By paying for a cleaner you are freeing up time for all children to see their respective parents.

By paying for the various streaming services then all the children (and your partner) benefit.

By paying for lunches/coffees/cinemas when you're all together you are already creating memories for all three kids together.

If your partner is more interested in spending his money on festivals and the pub that is a pretty selfish and sad attitude, but ultimately not your responsibility to make up for.

You should continue to enjoy your trips with your two.

StarsSand · 29/01/2023 10:52

You're being incredibly generous already OP. It's absolutely taking the piss for him to push his luck and put pressure on you to fund even more for him.

inloveandmarried · 29/01/2023 11:13

Tell him to go 50/50 on bills then save the difference for his child.

I can see you are already paying more to compensate for your children being with you more.

My workings out with the difference with children's time with you.

You are full time (2/8th of bills)
DH is full time (2/8th of bills)
Your children make up 1.5 full time between them (3/8th)
His child makes up .5 (1/8th)

If you both contribute 50% each for bills. Divide each joint bill into 8 apart from council tax and mortgage. These should be 50/50.

You put in enough to cover you and your children (5/8th) and from his 50% take a 3/8th contribution, the remaining 1/8th from all bills that you've covered you can set aside for his child's treats. He can know this just keep it safe.

If he's crap with money you'll need to step in so sometimes all the children can go out together. No good waiting for him to be less crap with money his child might be an adult by then.

Crazycrazylady · 29/01/2023 12:02

Honestly I don't where all this talk of 'blended families' has come from.
The child in question is the of their moms boyfriend. They're not half siblings they probably spend 10% of their time together in the same home at best . The op isn't married, he is just her boyfriend who she lahe has lived with for a year..

Blended families to my mind involves half siblings and married parents at the very least. Trying to "blend" families in relatively new relationships is bonkers for everyone involved imo.
It's doesn't automatically apply in every relationship where the parents both have kids from previous relationships