Re blended family and finances

[lovemedough]

My bf and I have been together 3 years ish, we bought a house together about a year ago. I have 2 kids that are with us 75% of the time, he has one kid who is with us maybe 25% of the time.

We are generally happy , kids get along all is good apart from issues around money.

We earn roughly the same but i get a decent amount of child support from my ex each month.

A couple of times per month, I take my kids on days out, sometimes a night away as well as weekends away plus a couple of holidays per year. He can't afford to do this. I can't afford to pay for him and his kid to join us.

He has complained about how divisive he finds the situation and how he feels it's unfair on his kid...

I don't want to give up my adventures with my kids, we have a great time.

Partner is terrible With money. ( always seems to have enough to go out with friends though ...)

So AIBU ?
Should I do less with my kids so I can afford to include partner snd step kid on some trips?

Or YABU
I shouldn't be expected to finance partner and step kid

I feel bad for his kid. But it’s ok as long as he never ever goes.

it can never look like dad got a new family who do x,y,d but never invite his kid.

does his daughter get equal in your home such as own room ect?

sorry it’s just horrible seeing step kids getting treated better materially, when they already have the benefit of having your daddy more than you.

She should be the one to get more since she doesn’t get her daddy 100%. Could the custody agreement be changed? If he had 50/50 then no child support for him to pay so more cash to make things even and no step kids seeing her daddy more than her.

I get maintenance for my children (and cb) which isn’t factored into our household budget. I also keep my kids expenses separate (eg school dinners, weekly activities, clothes etc.)

Tbf we do put a healthy amount into our joint account and this can cover some day away etc. so maybe you could agree to put x more in for a monthly treat?

What does he waste his money on? It’s stupid to need to do this, but I’d be tempted to go through both your accounts for the last 3/4/5 months, itemise every piece of expenditure and show him why he can’t afford to treat his child (assuming you’re funding a lot of the fun stuff yourself and not just through the maintenance payments). If he’s always shit with money maybe he just doesn’t see the impact of frittering his money away?

This is a good idea. Rather than expecting you to fund everything/ not go, why doesn't he set up a regular payment after payday every month to you to pay for fun stuff? Then he can't fritter away this money and he and his DC will get to come on trips too.

I wonder if you need to discuss and agree a holiday pot. Maybe you both put in an extra £100 to the joint house bills, but that money is for stuff you do together.

i don’t believe it is right that the maintenance you get should cover his kid, it is for your kids from their dad.

People prioritise what they want.

He's not prioritising going away with his kid.

End of!!

I would be hacked off just buying meals out / take aways EVERY time.

YANBU

Wow. You bought a house with a cocklodger

I'd say either sit with him and go through everything he is spending to see if he truly is bad with money or if he doesnt have enough of it. Then you'll know for sure if he is prioritising himself over his child, and if so that's a decision you need to make on staying with someone who is willing to do this.

His kid has a lovely room here, a pet , and apart from the trips discussed on this thread, I treat them the same as my own.

I'd be devastated if my kids were going to their dad's and being treated like second class citizens so there's no way I'd do that to my partner's kid.

Are you sure the deposit is all yours if you split? Do you have a decision in principle?

Sounds like you are already very generous. Your kids are with you more, arguably the child maintenance is their money. Seems a bit odd spending it on their step father/sister.

Can you help him to budget and see if it's possible?

He could pay an uneven amount in the mortgage and then sacrifice some equity, in the long term this would go to your children. He would have more money to spend on time with you now.

It’s a hard one. Is he child with you at the point your taking the kids out ? As he only has his child 25 percent of the time I would think it was a little cruel if you were planning these days at this exact time and leaving the child out.
does he pay an equal amount to electrify / gas / food bills for your whole household ?

Some people just can’t see what they are spending. One of my DB is really bad with money.
DSIL did the envelope thing with him.
Envelopes labeled with rent, food, bills, presents, spending etc. Pay day, the money went in with cash so visual cue to amount.
He knew once his envelope for spending was empty, that was it. Also no cards for him.
I don’t know what would happen to him if anything happened to her.
Only you can decide if you want to go down a path like that.

I get the temptation to sit down and do his budget/go through accounts etc but I'm
His partner, not his mum! He's the one with the problem here. I feel as though I do enough to address the imbalance and rest is up to him now?!

I am a little bit confused
so you as a blended family NEVER do day trips altogether ?

Please, PLEASE don't marry this guy. He'll be an utter liability.

To the tune of £100k/£0k split in deposit. Just why? With two kids to be responsible for?
I honestly think 100% that the social pressure to be in a ‘normal’ family set up has a lot to answer for here.

I wouldn't have bought a house with him in the first place, or moved in with him at all. Things are so financially unequal that you're going to struggle to maintain an equal relationship. I'm not suggesting you end the relationship, it is very possible to be in a loving partnership while living separately.

This is not one flaw. A flaw is always leaving the bathroom floor wet. Being feckless with money - and I'm betting you are in the dark about how much he does owe -is a major relationship ending thing. He gets to share in home ownership when you paid the entire deposit! (I do hope that your comments mean your deposit was ringfenced.) You have obviously tried talking to him and he is completely resistant to change. It is not enough that you are providing a roof over his head but he seems to want you to pay for his child. I would find this very offputting - very offputting indeed. In fact I'd be through with this relationship. I just couldn't respect somebody who acted like that.

Don’t feel guilty, you keep doing you. I think you’re doing more than enough for him and his child, but don’t sacrifice your fun times with your kids just because he doesn’t do anything with his! Why should your kids miss out because he can’t be arsed to do anything with his? The money is a red herring, he could have done a couple nice days out with the money a festival ticket costs! Yes it’s shit for his child but hopefully she’s got a mother who does things with her.

@lovemedough so tbf In response about ending the relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me and I am a pretty laid back person.
we are a blended family but DP has custody of SS.
if I was a man who chooses festivals over his child, who wasn’t equally paying his way what so ever or ever paid towards my kids at all in terms of household and had his name on a house with equal equity that he never has to work for to get in the property ladder, he wouldn’t be in mine or my children future.

So your other choice is to carry on as you are. But it's not sustainable and not how a true partnership should work by never doing things together. So you have decisions to make.

1. Is this what you want for your future?
2. Would you be better with someone who has similar disposable income?
3. Would you be willing to look at his finances because he obviously isn't doing that?

If he's complaining about it being 'unfair on his kid' he needs to have a good hard look in the mirror to see is responsible for changing this.

He goes out with his friends, goes to festivals, can't be arsed to check out deals to make trips out more affordable, he's in debt, no doubt due to overspending on non essentials if you're painting an accurate picture of him.

How much money does he have after mortgage/bills/other essentials and what does he spend it on? If he has spare money, he can afford to take his child out. He just needs to stop being so selfish about his spending choices.

This suggests to me that you're already paying more than you need to.

Why on earth have you given him equal stake in the house when you paid a deposit and he didn't? Big mistake.

He's already taking advantage of you in my opinion.

I feel as though this is going off on a tangent ! I'm not ending my relationship over this.

My deposit is 100% legally protected. He pays half the mortgage. I'm a solicitor, I know what I'm doing!

Do people really walk away from the person they love and who makes them happy because they can't budget? I assume all these women saying this have 100% perfect partners

I think I have my answer. I am not being unreasonable to carry on doing what I'm doing !

If he can afford to go to a festival then he can afford to put some money away each month for fun things, he’s just not prioritising it.
I don’t think you should have to pay for it, just do the trips when his DC is not with you.