Re blended family and finances

[lovemedough]

My bf and I have been together 3 years ish, we bought a house together about a year ago. I have 2 kids that are with us 75% of the time, he has one kid who is with us maybe 25% of the time.

We are generally happy , kids get along all is good apart from issues around money.

We earn roughly the same but i get a decent amount of child support from my ex each month.

A couple of times per month, I take my kids on days out, sometimes a night away as well as weekends away plus a couple of holidays per year. He can't afford to do this. I can't afford to pay for him and his kid to join us.

He has complained about how divisive he finds the situation and how he feels it's unfair on his kid...

I don't want to give up my adventures with my kids, we have a great time.

Partner is terrible With money. ( always seems to have enough to go out with friends though ...)

So AIBU ?
Should I do less with my kids so I can afford to include partner snd step kid on some trips?

Or YABU
I shouldn't be expected to finance partner and step kid

@CalistoNoSolo you do not need equal finances for relationships to work and live with each other but you do need to have a system that works and able to negotiate finances. Me and my DP have kids from previous relationships both our kids live with us and we do just fine despite having very difficult incomes.

Why did the relationship with the mother or his daughter break down?

Was it because he was an irresponsible man child? How did he rack up debt - does he do drugs or gamble?

The issue with money is a red herring - he’s not a good dad because he doesn’t prioritise his DD and he is not a good partner because he expects you to pick up the tab whilst he continues to indulge himself.

He’s v entitled. This will erode your relationship.

There are HUGE red flags here. Do you have a contingency plan? Can you afford to buy him out?

I would be unblending as much financially as possible in this situation. Do not marry him.

Is your £100k protected as £100k or as a % of the property equity - so if price rises so does your investment?

But you are living like flat mates more than like a family. Obviously you will do more with your children as they are with you more, but it seems like you exclude even your partner from these activities. Shouldn’t you be planning things to do together as a family (and I mean whether his children are there or not). I can’t imagine announcing to my husband that I was off on a day trip but he can’t come because he is skint, this is not how a partnership works.

I actually agree with previous poster, that you don’t seem to have worked out the basics of how your relationship will function from a finances point of view and yet you have bought a house with somebody and financially entangled yourself with him.

No, I am a single parent of ten years. If I had £100k which I don’t (although I probably have that in equity), there is no way on God’s earth I would be using it to house a man and his child when he was bringing zero to the table (after two years). There is a massive social pressure to couple up when you are a single parent and I really, really question that (and that is after my own experiences, so it is not intended to be critical of you at all).
It’s good that you don’t intend to leave, because legal fees to untangle this plus his share of the equity = more money.
I just don’t feel I have anything positive to add to this because the situation is so unequal, you don’t want to pay more, he has different priorities with money (and his children less than you), so if anything, get yourself to couples counselling to find a way forward with your different priorities.

Agree. I’m always baffled at how quickly some people progress and formalise relationships when there are children to consider. It’s little wonder issues like this arise when there’s been little time to discuss and agree some pretty fundamental issues.

*I am a single, single parent is what I meant. No partner.

More relationships break down over money than anything else.

You knew he was shit with money.
You knew he prioritised spending money on going out with his mates over his child.

And you moved in with him anyway. You're financing most stuff - not because you earn more, but because you've bought a house with an overgrown kid.

How is he managing his debt? How much is it?

He goes to festivals with his friends, you go on adventures with your children. He has to meet you somewhere if this is really an issue.

you sound thoughtful and lovely and this is between you and your kids. I don’t think your partner is being fair to pressure you here.

OP in the nicest way possible no we probably don’t have perfect partners but this is awful and if you can’t see this then there is no point in this thread. If In fact you see nothing wrong with this and everything else is happy then YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE to leave step child out as your allowing this to happen and still can’t see how rubbish he is.

I am interested in how others work the blended family situation, so like say your DP was shopping etc you said your DD could do with some socks picking up 🤣 sorry all I could think of… would he get then it bill you for them ?

I don’t think your partner is being fair to pressure you here.

I agree with this.

Why is he hassling YOU about how you spent YOUR time and money with your DCs?

How he spends HIS time and money with his DC is his choice - and he has shown you the man he is (immature, entitled, demanding, selfish) by the CHOICES he makes with his resources.

This is a young relationship and looks to me that he came to the table with ZERO and targeted and lovebombed you because of your resources. Now he’s nagging you to fund his party lifestyle indirectly by funding his child.

It honestly sounds like he's using you but if you're okay with that then good luck...

Reading your post I suspect that his confusion around this is genuine and that he can’t see that he’s making a choice - some people are just awful with money.

In your position I would sit down with him and say “before you book your ticket to x festival can we talk about plans for the summer?” Get the diary and talk about just one trip you want to do that’s near in date to the festival. If he says he can’t afford say that’s why I wanted to talk about it before you book your festival ticket so that you can make the choice of which you would prefer. Don’t get cross with him whatever he decides - just point out that it’s a decision.

Id do the same again with a weekend day out. Next time he wants to go to the pub on a Friday night say “before you go can we talk about next weekend. I want to do x y z” Then if he says he can’t afford it do the same as the festival- point out that the reason you’re asking in advance is so that he can choose between pub or day out.

And then every time it comes up say “but you’re choosing to spend your money on pub and festivals.”

The one compromise I would make in your place would be to try and look at the timing of what you’re doing so that free days out are happening when his child is with you, and paid ones when he isn’t; so that the child is always included on his time. I’d stop eating out on these weekends too if you’re always paying….

It's a pretty huge flaw and one that is creating a them and us situation already.

I would work hard to resolve it.

It will get worse as fhe children grow and go on until house becomes asset's etc.

Resentment is already thriving.

Not sure how you can resolve it.

We pay the mortgage equally, and have equal stake despite the fact that I put £100k deposit on the house and he put £0.

Come again? You did what?? 😮

So he's on an equivalent solicitors salary and can't afford a trip for him and his child.....I'd be more worried have you set up home with a gambler/drug user. I cant imagine a legitimate reason why he can't afford a trip with his child, but he can manage a festival for himself.

If you're happy with your current set up then crack on. I personally wouldn't be happy never being able to do things as a family because my partner and child were always left home, that's not a relationship. But you seem happy with that so not sure why you've posted really.

How can you be with someone who chooses a festival over taking their children on days out and holidays? Who chooses a festival over treating his child? Answer that.
he’s a bad bad Father.

also, your finances aren’t equal, you explained you basically fund everything non essential.

For me the being crap with money is a big issue. I'd rather be alone quite frankly than with someone who runs out every month because of poor decision making. That's me though. You however want to stay with him so need to be firm in that you can contribute more than you are and if he feels his child is missing out then he needs to curb going out with his mates and prioritise his child. The fact that he doesn't is again a huge red flag but one you are choosing to ignore.

You're doing more than enough OP, you pay for all household luxuries which he benefits from eg streaming services, you pay for family meals out, cinema trips for an of you, you ready his daughter to clothes and trainers the same as yours. She has a lovely room and a pet in your home. (wise to protect that deposit).
Your partner can afford to go to the in and to festivals with his friends, why should you subsidise that any more than you already are?
I know you say this isn't a relationship ender for you but it would be and has been for me, because the being bad with money and expecting me to top up and pay for the nicer things, made me feel used, disrespected and like I wasn't valued -he deserved time out alone with friends, to buy all the hobby things he wanted, while I was skipping nights out or offering to be designated driver to pay for our holiday.... It speaks to how they view you and that is damaging to a relationship.

Regarding the problem with trips out, I think this will fester if you’re not careful.

I can see why he thinks as he does, but he’s totally unreasonable expecting you to pay for it.

You and your children need quality time together, but do you not sometimes say to your BF “we’re going to xxx, would you like to come? It’ll cost around £xxx.”

That way you are including them in some of the trips but then if he chooses not to come then he hasn’t a leg to stand on.

Every single time he brings this up you tell him that you offered solutions;

• he could pay a monthly amount into savings to pay for this but he cannot afford this, but can afford to go to a festival with his friends
• you send him links to cheap activities, but he doesn't action them

Ask him what he expects you to do - pay for his DCs whilst he uses his money for solo fun? Or perhaps not take your DCs anywhere just so his do not feel left out.

I'd find this a huge turn off tbh, tight on paying for his DCs but happy to splash out on treats for himself.

He is using you and expecting you to fund his lifestyle.

He is already spending less than you on the home, whether it's the money he's saving on mortgage interest (as you put down a big deposit) or the fact that you are picking up monthly direct debits (such as Netflix) that he and his dc benefit from.

He sounds like a disengaged father and partner, prioritising nights out with his mates and festivals above joining you on days out with his child. And to top it all, he's blaming you for his bad behaviour and you're believing him and thinking you should be giving more!!

No wonder the mother of his child walked away!

You are not being selfish, he is. You really need to take your blinkers off about this sponger and he needs to stop pissing his money up the wall and start prioritising his child.

Are you genuinely happy only ever going out as a family of 3 when you're really a family of 5? Do you see that working in the long term?

Keep doing what you are doing. Detach yourself from your partner's issues. He'll either step up or he won't. If he complains just tell him you've tried to help in the past and he's ignored you.

Agree with you that you are not his mum or his accountant, he needs to adult himself.

Ok you don't want to be his mum but you will carry on being a slave to his selfish desires.

He doesn't want to budget because he doesn't need too .

You need then to get serious here and impress upon him how it's going to cause major issue and when his daughter complains you wil explain to her that he has the same money as you but that he refuses to budget.

You need a separate account in totally different bank that is a savings account that you both contribute too..him more than you for the make up money for him to join ..

If he really can't afford 50 a month something is going on.

Train him with this.
As a non saver myself I can say it's a pretty great feeling to have a few £100 to pull on for days out, Christmas etc