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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re blended family and finances

131 replies

lovemedough · 29/01/2023 06:32

My bf and I have been together 3 years ish, we bought a house together about a year ago. I have 2 kids that are with us 75% of the time, he has one kid who is with us maybe 25% of the time.

We are generally happy , kids get along all is good apart from issues around money.

We earn roughly the same but i get a decent amount of child support from my ex each month.

A couple of times per month, I take my kids on days out, sometimes a night away as well as weekends away plus a couple of holidays per year. He can't afford to do this. I can't afford to pay for him and his kid to join us.

He has complained about how divisive he finds the situation and how he feels it's unfair on his kid...

I don't want to give up my adventures with my kids, we have a great time.

Partner is terrible With money. ( always seems to have enough to go out with friends though ...)

So AIBU ?
Should I do less with my kids so I can afford to include partner snd step kid on some trips?

Or YABU
I shouldn't be expected to finance partner and step kid

OP posts:
Ragwort · 29/01/2023 08:21

You're a solicitor Hmm? It's not just one 'flaw' ... being irresponsible with money is a huge issue, and one of the main reasons for break downs in relationships.
If you really want to stay with this cocklodger (& I assume he must be great in bed as you say you are in love and your relationship is perfect in every other way ....!) then just refuse to engage with him in discussions about outings.

If he does say 'why can't you take my DC to wherever?' ... can't you just answer 'you could afford it if you didn't spend £x on the festival'.

Being irresponsible with money is a huge turn off ... raise your standards. Moaning about expecting you to 'treat' his DC is really unpleasant... do you have any respect for this man? Imagine being with someone who prioritises going to a festival over spending on his own DC or sorting his debts out. He must be thrilled he met you and your £100k house deposit.

rookiemere · 29/01/2023 08:22

What happens with holidays, or has that not happened yet ?

GabriellaMontez · 29/01/2023 08:22

It's not one little thing.

It's indicative of his priorities - friends and festivals. That's difficult if you thought you were going to be doing more family things together.

What's really troubling, is his notion that it's somehow not fair for you to prioritise trips out with your children. That you should fund him too!!

Even though he's no doubt already benefiting from a lower mortgage as you had a large deposit.

Glad your 100k is protected.

And if a man came on here he'd be told exactly the same. Assuming similar circumstances where they had similar incomes and she was able to afford weekends away and nights out but never had enough money for the month. Don't kid yourself.

Minfilia · 29/01/2023 08:23

I agree with you OP that you don’t walk away from an otherwise good relationship because of one (non dealbreaker) issue.

The difficulty is that if it isn’t solved, it will become a bigger issue and breed resentment, probably on both sides.

It does sound like he needs a reality check though. If he can’t afford to take his children out, then he needs to sacrifice his own luxuries to supplement that.

Having said that, if you are the higher earner then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to contribute to his children’s days out occasionally, unless it’s breaking the bank (because in the real world there is some give and take with step DC). If you earn more equally, then it’s clearly a problem that lies with him and it’s his issue to solve.

StarsSand · 29/01/2023 08:23

He's not prioritising his child which is fairly unattractive.

Remona · 29/01/2023 08:26

The bottom line is he cannot plead poverty but then go booking festival trips with his mates.

The next time he whinges and says he can’t afford it , you can simply say well if you hadn’t booked to go to that festival you could have afforded it.

It’s clear where his priorities lie - with himself.

It sounds like you’re already covering too much of the family outgoings.

HoppingPavlova · 29/01/2023 08:26

As long as you organise your stuff for the 3/4 weekends his child is not with you, no problem at all. If he had issues with this, he can budget properly.

Ragwort · 29/01/2023 08:28

Minifilia of course there should be give and take in any relationship but in this case it seems all 'take' from the OP's DP. He has got money to go out with his friends and to a festival but not to spend on his own DC or clear his debts ... whilst enjoying a lovely home and lifestyle at the expense of the OP. She has indicated he is on a similar salary to her's .. it's not as if he is struggling on a NMW salary and working hard & doing overtime to save and clear his debts?

Did you post about this before OP .. even before moving in together? It does sound rather familiar.

Paq · 29/01/2023 08:28

Having said that, if you are the higher earner then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to contribute to his children’s days out occasionally, unless it’s breaking the bank (because in the real world there is some give and take with step DC). If you earn more equally, then it’s clearly a problem that lies with him and it’s his issue to solve.

She is the higher earner because she receives child maintenance. No way on earth should she spend that on anyone but her own children. I can't believe you even suggested it.

Robin233 · 29/01/2023 08:28

@Icanbuymyselfflowers

@lovemedough so tbf In response about ending the relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me and I am a pretty laid back person.
we are a blended family but DP has custody of SS.
if I was a man who chooses festivals over his child, who wasn’t equally paying his way what so ever or ever paid towards my kids at all in terms of household and had his name on a house with equal equity that he never has to work for to get in the property ladder, he wouldn’t be in mine or my children future.
*
THIS
Completely agree - this is not one- it's a deal breaker

I actually split (with the love of my life) because of this.
He'd spend his last penny down the pub

DH (who I totally love to bits) came with 2 DS who he paid maintenance for.
BUT he did not go down the pub - big difference.
We all holidayed together- 3 then 4 of us.
The kids always came first (Not the pub / festival- this is one of many reasons I love dh so much - he's an adult.
Now all the kids are adults and making their own way.
Strong bonds between them and last night we were out for a meal- together.
Plenty of time for 'the pub' later on.

silentpool · 29/01/2023 08:28

I was married to a financially irresponsible man and it was awful.

Don't marry him, whatever you do. The resentment will keep building and you will hate having to police his spending and nag him.

Glenthebattleostrich · 29/01/2023 08:30

Do when he announced he was off to a festival with his friends did you point out that the money he was sending (probably several hundred pounds when you factor in tickets, travel, food and booze) would pay for his share of a family holiday? Or half a dozen days out?

He does sound very selfish and I couldn't put up with that to be honest.

bumpytrumpy · 29/01/2023 08:31

Agree with everything else about him being a shit dad for not prioritising his 25% time with his child and ensuring there's enough money left.

What really surprised me was that you're a solicitor! And if he earns similar then we're talking about a lot of disposable income here. It would be easy to assume from your first posts you were scraping along paying debts and worrying about COL crisis. Why has he run up debts? Why did he have nothing to contribute to house deposit? There's wider problems here than a lack of money - he has plenty money he must be making some really bad decisions.

Don't marry him!!!!!!

deeperthanallroses · 29/01/2023 08:36

I don’t know why you’re entertaining his whining for a moment. Tell him: You probably spend more than I do every month on taking yourself out, you just don’t want to prioritise your child instead of yourself even once a month and you’re trying to make me the bad guy here. That is not on. I work hard to make sure your child feels at home here, more than you do with mine to be obvious and I will not take the blame for your selfishness. I don’t want to hear this EVER again. You can afford it, you just don’t want to. I can’t afford it, and I couldn’t afford your drinking and going out and festivals either, because I’m prioritising my children and also spending on yours.

It’s probably part of the reason why he’s not with his ex, i certainly wouldn’t put up with that crap.

TwilightSkies · 29/01/2023 08:37

It’s not about him not being able to budget. It’s about his priorities. His priority is himself. And he’s making you feel responsible for prioritising his child, when he should be doing it!
He sounds pretty immature and selfish.

SerenaTee · 29/01/2023 08:41

I’d keep doing what you’re doing, keep telling him of things in advance that he could budget for if he wanted to then crack on as you are.

It sounds like as well as having different budgets, you have slightly different financial priorities, you said in a couple of posts he finds the money to go out with his friends then claim poverty when it comes to money to go out as a family. That’s his choice but he can’t expect you to subsidize his choice when he makes that decision.

LakieLady · 29/01/2023 08:42

Do people really walk away from the person they love and who makes them happy because they can't budget? I assume all these women saying this have 100% perfect partners

No, but they have to devise strategies that work for them. If your DP wants his child to join you and your DCs on days out, he needs to find a way of covering the costs of that. The most obvious way of doing that is to cut back on nights in the pub and festivals (and the festival ticket is only the start of it - food and drink at festivals is incredibly expensive imo).

He's right that it's unfair that his child doesn't get to enjoy the outings that yours do, but he's the one that's being unfair, by prioritising his nights out and festivals over his child.

You are not responsible for this, and he's BVU by trying to make you feel as though you are.

gogohmm · 29/01/2023 08:43

He earns the same as you but unlike you he is paying child support, you on the other hand are receiving it. I think that is the big difference. Yes he could save up but in reality you don't have the same incomes

My suggestion is a compromise, you continue doing things with your children when his isn't around, but also you plan one or two things in the future including him and his child that are affordable for him to save for and he pays you a bit monthly. There's plenty of days out or even weekend trips that really aren't expensive and you can take a picnic etc to keep costs down

palelavender · 29/01/2023 08:44

I am a solicitor and I would walk away from a man who was feckless with money. My own husband when we were dating was a bit useless with money (but no debts) and we talked about priorities and what sort of life style we wanted. He got with the programme. In particular, he saved up some money for the deposit we paid for a house and he wouldn't have had any claim on the house if he hadn't. I find financial freeloaders very unattractive. He's retired a bit early for health issues but I feel he has earned that.

winterpastasalad · 29/01/2023 08:45

This isn't a blended family though. The partner is like a lodger who gets treated by the OP to meals out and she buys things for his DC, whilst he pays for his time away with his friends. He thinks it's "divisive" that OP can't afford to pay for him and his DC for holidays and trips away.
I find it very hard to believe that OP is a solicitor and just thinks this is "a small flaw".

ShockedAndAwake · 29/01/2023 08:46

Are you planning to have any kids with him?

How do the trips work? Is his daughter aware of them? How is it going to work as they get older?

I feel sorry for his daughter. She is going to feel 'second class'. If she isn't aware you go on trips without her she will be when she is older.

I also don't think this is one flaw. He is being unkind to his daughter and is being nasty to you. He is choosing to spend money on himself.

DogMumToo · 29/01/2023 08:46

OP, im not suggesting you separate over this issue. But it is a much bigger issue than not budgeting. I spent ten years with my oldest kids Dad. He always had money for nights with the boys and concert tickets… but kids / me needing something, never had the money. It was one of the main reasons I left him because to me, kids come first.

My now DP (when sorting finances) was happy to pay whatever the family needs. He would pay his whole salary into the joint account if we needed it and my older kids are here more)

gogohmm · 29/01/2023 08:47

@palelavender

I'm the same, dp quickly has got with the programme Grin

Dp admits he used to spend money knowing he gets an annual bonus (substantial) now he spends some (not all 75% is saved) of his bonus once it's in the bank account! His dd (adult) comes to me for financial advice too

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/01/2023 08:48

A bit of both

He needs to sort out his finances so he can contribute properly, and in return for that you should make an effort to include them on some trips.

Have a tough conversation with him about the need for him to sort out how he handles money. It's going to kill your relationship if he doesn't. Don't buy a house or have a kid with him till it gets sorted out.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/01/2023 08:49

gogohmm · 29/01/2023 08:43

He earns the same as you but unlike you he is paying child support, you on the other hand are receiving it. I think that is the big difference. Yes he could save up but in reality you don't have the same incomes

My suggestion is a compromise, you continue doing things with your children when his isn't around, but also you plan one or two things in the future including him and his child that are affordable for him to save for and he pays you a bit monthly. There's plenty of days out or even weekend trips that really aren't expensive and you can take a picnic etc to keep costs down

Did you read the bit about him having money for boys nights out?