DHs "posh" sister

[BeatieBourke]

I know IABU but not sure what to do about it.

DHs family are mostly very nice. I get on exceptionally well with many of them. They're all much more middle class than me but that's fine, we all laugh about it (in both directions IYSWIM) and they generally like me as I do them.

DHs sister has always had a taste for properly posh things. All her friends have always been very grand, moneyed artisan types (think Hugh Fearnly whatsit and his ilk). Fine. She's nice and we have some stuff in common and get along well when we see each other.

She's fairly recently married a full on aristocrat. They're not famous but you'd know the name if I mentioned it (won't, obvs). They now live in a "Hall" (basically a small stately home) with furniture and art and wine dotted about that i couldt afford with 10 years salary. He's also a massive arsehole.

Whenever we're invited to stay with them (they live quite far away) it's always pitched as some kind of treat. Like we get to go and soak up their lovely life for a while. The first time we went I was up for it (because I'm nosey, if I'm honest, and who wouldn't like a real look at how the other half live?) But a year or so in and I find it all quite cold, sad, and awkward. Her husband isn't very nice to her and doesn't have any interest in her life or her family. She works full time and does everything around the (enourmous) house while he sits in his study writing his correspondence and waiting for tea on a tray. She is quite miserable, although has only really been honest about this once or twice and the rest of the time keeps up appearances. It's all just a bit, icky.

There's a general family tone of her being very impressive (she is but not because of who she married / their money), and having done very well for herself, and doesn't she work hard (she does, but needn't). She too can be a little hauty and condescending at times, if she's feeling below par or defensive. I think she lacks genuine confidence, despite being incredibly capable and seeming to have confidence in spades.

It all just makes me feel a bit rank tbh. I feel like her family (including me) should be shouting "get out, he treats you like shit!" but instead they're all quite deferential and keep shtum. I can't abide the fakery of it all when I'm expected to be impressed and grateful. I've stopped wanting to hang out with her or go and stay because it's all so weird.

What am I missing? How do I get rid of this chip on my shoulder? And what strategies would you put in place to deal with staying there (and having to say "Oh, it's beautiful!" at the huge, priceless-collectable-adorned but freezing and untouchable bedroom you're presented with, or listen to her husband drone on about his latest acquisitions while she works herself ragged to cook an impressive meal but refuses any help etc)?

AIBU to think this is a weird way to live? To want her to be happier? Or am I just a chippy scrubber? I've got myself in a tangle over it and don't know what to do.

You’re a bit jealous, aren’t you? That’s absolutely not a condemnation, because it’s only natural and you sound nice. It’s inevitable really when someone fairly close does something that takes them ‘up’ several levels, such as a lottery win or marries someone stashed. My best friend just married a multi, multi millionaire and I identify with some of your emotions. I’ve struggled a bit with jealousy and looked for problems she’s having to make myself feel better. The only answer is: stop it. Just get n with your own life, let her solve her own problems if she really has them, and if you don’t like her husband you don’t have to see them much. Concentrate on making the most of your life and recognise that her situation has no real bearing on you. You seem a good person so you’ll get past this.

For a start, don't put yourself down.
The way a person speaks or their taste in clothes has nothing to do with how nice or honest or friendly or educated they are. Education isn't just about what school you went to, it's much broader than that.
My advice? Stop going to visit her and work on your self worth. I'm from Liverpool and live in an expensive part of Surrey, however, I never change the way I speak and have far better manners and breadth of interests and knowledge than most of my friends and I'm not as closed-minded as them. They're like a clique and I make friends everywhere.
Smile and enjoy being you. Don't compare yourself with anyone else or their situation because you know what... you're incomparable. 😁💐

You say she seems miserable, invite her to yours. She may need a break from all that 'opulence'.

Do you have any kindred spirits amongst the in-laws, e.g. any other siblings or their partners? You might find it helpful to talk about the situation with them, and even start gently campaigning to convey to others how potentially dangerous your SIL's situation is.

If she comes across as not being very happy, I would suggest keeping quiet and being there for support if/when the whole thing comes tumbling down.

You deal with it the same way you deal with anyone who's married a tosser or who's home decor you don't like. You either nod and smile (best approach with in laws) or if it's a close friend you can be honest with you ask them in private if they're OK etc.

The big house has nothing to do with any of it.

I think you just have to leave them to get on with it. There are a couple of people I know who when I think about it I think 'thats a bit odd' or 'why are they doing that'. And im pretty positive they think the same about me at times.

But its fleeting thoughts, to feel a bit rank or feel the need for strategies is a bit over invested in my opinion.

At the same time I can understand feeling a bit peeved if they think they are bestowing this great favour on you by inviting you to their country pile, in fact most of what you have said about them is the height of bad manners and class.

Knowing me I would be secretly taking the piss in my head.

I have a friend who married a dickhead just because she was impressed with how posh he and his family were - posh house, boat, posh schools etc.

I told her I thought he was a dickhead but she ploughed on any way. She was like that growing up - always had to wear the right clothes, play the right sport (golf & tennis), be seen at the right places with the right people. That was her - her values were all around how she was perceived and how things looked.

She's stayed with him for over 15 years. She nearly left 7 years ago but decided, she'd made her bed and would lie in it.

All you can do is be there for her when she's ready to talk - which maybe never.

Exactly what I think.

This

Mind your own business! 😉

Not unreasonable.
I think she probably is unhappy but trying to make the best of it… she won’t want to admit her perfect shiny life is all fake and that her husband is an arsehole….
Go there when invited and be supportive, she might want someone to talk to, she might not be ready to talk yet, but she needs your love and support.
Don’t look around the house and think money, it doesn’t buy happiness…
Go for her and humour him for her sake.

Reading with intrigue

Oh dear, DHs family are like this. He rejected them early on and avoids them now but the scene is very familiar. If she has decided to stay and put up with it, there's not much you can do though you could gently offer support and/or be an ear if and when she wants one. Don't expect her to be grateful though or to act on her misery and don't be surprised if she turns on you after she has used you as an ear.
These kind of people well deserve the table toxic. They are all about acquisition and aspiration and emotional honesty takes a back seat. DHs mother was awful and eventually died after five years of horrible dementia. I think her husband drove her mad.
Not all that long ago, I discovered from DH's sister (lives miles away thank goodness) that their mother, in the early days of our relationship, had been trying to 'find out about me' and was afraid that I was a 'council house girl'. 'You're not are you?' asked the sister!! I still feel rage about that and just tell the story to say, be careful, because such people talk behind your back with no sense of shame, you can't trust them!

I think its a window into a world fascinating but where title trumps everything and a lot of artifice and charade has to keep that aloft. It’s like servicing the Titanic . Just look at the Royals or how brands invest in this mirage of luxury .Everything gold plated but our shit stinks and when we die it might not be pretty or as expected and that’s the visceral truth we all try and escape. People all lead there own version of normal their dysfunction or lot in life and if only we could intervene if anything its best not to judge as our life might be there version of hell as we all have our own set of values. Just knowing what makes you happy in life is probably the lottery win and I would keep anything toxic at a distance for it might skew your self worth.

I would be there for her. Take her away from that environment and have some fun. Her DH, who sounds like an entitled twit, can fend for himself whilst she has some fun.

Are there more friends who'd be up for this too? If so, the more the merrier.

Bless you for worrying about her, but don't not see her, she needs you and her friends.

Sounds uncomfortable. I think if you have given it the "You don't seem happy, I'm here should you ever want to talk" line then backing off is acceptable. And by that I mean continuing to decline offers to stay if you don't want to go. If you want to stay with them then do so.

She's not your sister so don't think you are obliged to so anymore than that.

For years we had to go and stay at my husband's family's who, like yours, live a life that is very far removed from our own. Im talking yachts, planes, nannys the whole sh'bang. I've had some good experiences but i'm at a place now where I don't want to go. I don't feel like it's the "treat" others might think it is. I feel on tenterhooks because our kids are normal lively kids expected to be quiet, after all we dont have a nanny travelling with us- or at all for that matter. Family members NEVER stay with us, or visit. Fortunately, I have no lovely but poorly treated/ unhappy SIL to worry about. I agree with you it sounds miserable, but, who knows. She's making her choices and we all have the right to make choices, even bad choices.

I agree it's ridiculous, of course if they lived in a semi down the road they wouldn't want her to be with him BUT she also wouldn't be with him. She sounds like she's willing to sacrifice her happiness because she likes the lifestyle of the landed gentry. I'd disentagle your feelings and move on.

You have good instincts and may have spotted a dangerous narcissist. Your SIL's life is probably hell and will only get worse. You may get an opportunity to ask her directly if she feels like running away sometimes...? and then figure out how to help her identify the problem and finding a solution (escape!). My views may be coloured by personal experience - someone close to me was in a very similar situation (incl money, status) and tragically she ended up dead.

You want to help your SIL. You should act on those feelings.

Wishing you well.

This hits the nail very firmly on the head.

OP, I don't have much in the way of advice, but I just came here to give you some reassurance and a bit of perspective from the opposite side.

I AM the family member who married (well, long-term cohabiting partner-ed) into a very wealthy family with a "name". My partner is lovely and bends over backwards to get on with my family, always taking an interest in them, learning about them, and fussing them when they visit. Generally everyone has a good time together, but I'm always bugged by "little" chippy comments and snide jokes from my extended family. Asking intrusive questions about how much DP's family's homes or belongings cost, calling DP a "mealticket" in front of me, giggling about DP behind his back as if he's a cartoonish Scrooge McDuck type character, and always looking for more and more things to poke fun at. It's horrible and makes me feel distanced from my family in a way that other couples in my generation of siblings and cousins aren't.

You don't sound like you're doing that at all! However, your feelings about their lifestyle might be colouring your view slightly. It sounds like SIL's DP is a bit of a dick, but the added layer of "her home is too showy and cold" mustn't be made to add to it. Separate those opinions from your actual concerns about your SIL, and see what's left.

I'd love to think my family were looking out for my wellbeing, but I'd also hate to think that they were poised to vilify my DP for something that would be innocuous if he was seen as "normal".

I would go and stay one more time, but make it clear to her, when you can, that you don't especially like going there either due to the distance or the coldness of the house etc. And try dropping some hints that you find their set up odd - make some comparisons to how other members of their family live so that she can see things in more perspective perhaps?

I think you mean well, AB, but I think following this advice would make someone look very intrusive and possibly unhinged if you followed it in practice.

I don't think OP's SIL is so unaware that she needs to be prompted verbally into realising her relationship is different to 'how other people live'. And I doubt those gentle, loving hints would be taken very kindly after the giver had just dropped a few carefully rehearsed remarks about her house being too cold.