DHs "posh" sister

[BeatieBourke]

I know IABU but not sure what to do about it.

DHs family are mostly very nice. I get on exceptionally well with many of them. They're all much more middle class than me but that's fine, we all laugh about it (in both directions IYSWIM) and they generally like me as I do them.

DHs sister has always had a taste for properly posh things. All her friends have always been very grand, moneyed artisan types (think Hugh Fearnly whatsit and his ilk). Fine. She's nice and we have some stuff in common and get along well when we see each other.

She's fairly recently married a full on aristocrat. They're not famous but you'd know the name if I mentioned it (won't, obvs). They now live in a "Hall" (basically a small stately home) with furniture and art and wine dotted about that i couldt afford with 10 years salary. He's also a massive arsehole.

Whenever we're invited to stay with them (they live quite far away) it's always pitched as some kind of treat. Like we get to go and soak up their lovely life for a while. The first time we went I was up for it (because I'm nosey, if I'm honest, and who wouldn't like a real look at how the other half live?) But a year or so in and I find it all quite cold, sad, and awkward. Her husband isn't very nice to her and doesn't have any interest in her life or her family. She works full time and does everything around the (enourmous) house while he sits in his study writing his correspondence and waiting for tea on a tray. She is quite miserable, although has only really been honest about this once or twice and the rest of the time keeps up appearances. It's all just a bit, icky.

There's a general family tone of her being very impressive (she is but not because of who she married / their money), and having done very well for herself, and doesn't she work hard (she does, but needn't). She too can be a little hauty and condescending at times, if she's feeling below par or defensive. I think she lacks genuine confidence, despite being incredibly capable and seeming to have confidence in spades.

It all just makes me feel a bit rank tbh. I feel like her family (including me) should be shouting "get out, he treats you like shit!" but instead they're all quite deferential and keep shtum. I can't abide the fakery of it all when I'm expected to be impressed and grateful. I've stopped wanting to hang out with her or go and stay because it's all so weird.

What am I missing? How do I get rid of this chip on my shoulder? And what strategies would you put in place to deal with staying there (and having to say "Oh, it's beautiful!" at the huge, priceless-collectable-adorned but freezing and untouchable bedroom you're presented with, or listen to her husband drone on about his latest acquisitions while she works herself ragged to cook an impressive meal but refuses any help etc)?

AIBU to think this is a weird way to live? To want her to be happier? Or am I just a chippy scrubber? I've got myself in a tangle over it and don't know what to do.

You sound very judgemental. There’s nothing worse than reverse snobbery like yours.

An arsehole is an arsehole if he's on minimum wage or the King of Bloody England! I think the title, the house etc are all very attractive and garner bragging rights...BUT if you are just in the marriage for status then it's not going to make you happy. Personally I'd grit my teeth, lose the chip on my shoulder and use it as a place to cry on for when SiL needs it. She'll come to her senses one day, and you will be there to support her during the fallout.

He’s an aristo and they live in a mansion however she’s running around doing everything in the house? If they were loaded they’d have cleaners and other people to do all that stuff. Sounds to me like he’s inherited a big house but can’t afford to maintain it. Happens a lot with these people that’s why all these places end up getting sold off to hotel chains. She’s probably married him thinking life was going to be fabulous but it’s not the case at all and he’s skint. You’ll find out the truth in the end but it does sound like she’s unhappy

I think you have already got this sorted very well indeed.
All you can do and all other caring friends and relatives can do is hold a mirror up to her so she sees what you see if she chooses to look properly. You can do it gently. Eg when she asks you to come over for a weekend next month in February tell her no you won’t come in winter because it’s just too cold but you will come again in the summer when the house has warmed up . And in the meantime invite them to come to yours instead where you host nicely in a warm house but in your own style with a nice ambience where you cook together and her brother is kind and affable etc etc.
Refuse to be outwardly impressed by her new found wealth but don’t be rude about it…..it’s neither here nor there. Express an interest in her home..the history, architecture, art etc only if you genuinely have an interest. Otherwise just carry on being your own comfortable friendly self without trying to make a point.
Model and share your own good life for her and maybe she will see it’s a better life and want to change hers. But don’t press it unless she asks for help or unless you can see she is really struggling.
You just have to assume she’s happy -and intelligent enough to change things if she isn’t.

Op a few posters seen chippier than you 😆

Yep. What @LAMPS1 said.

Invite her to stay at yours. Be great host, relax, get a takeaway and have a few drinks and have a laugh. He's not there, your comfortable and get to know each other properly

I think having lots of worldly goods that people admire is sort of out of fashion now in this time of caring for the environment etc Also heating a huge home.
She wanted the posh life style - what would she be left with if she gave it up?

I imagine his money is well tied up so limited amount if they divorce.

Perhpas suggest some counselling as 'she seems depressed'.

Op, stop overarching and making presumptions about SILs life and happiness state.

You mentioned somewhere that she refuses help in the kitchen and perhaps is very independent. What makes your sis in law happy, may be different to what makes you happy. She may not need the detached contentment, that you enjoy with your hubby. She may not need giddy or obvious displays of happiness, she might be content enough in her own life.

I think you need to stop judging, there are lots of other family members who are closer and more suitable to intervene if needed. She might be picking up on your judgment and be feeling anxious when you visit. The Xmas card is proving something, but who cares, let it go. Give her space to acclimatise to her new life and husband without judgement.

Don't judge, just support.

There's nothing you can do apart from say to SIL 'If you're unhappy you can leave and I will always support and love you'

And then let her get on with her life

Go to the Hall as rarely as possible

What am I missing? How do I get rid of this chip on my shoulder?
this jumps out at me. I came from a mc family, dh from a poorer family. My sil used to make jokes about how I must have (insert stereotype as to how we are handed everything/didn’t know hard work etc). That’s not what this is- you don’t have a chip on your shoulder, you’re seeing their life for what it is. It sounds so sad and it must be horrible for it to be held up as something aspirational

I absolutely see what you mean.

Every year we go to my SIL’s house for Christmas or some other holiday. The house is a former display home for a luxury building company. The house is really nice, but it looks exactly like it looked in the videos on the website - including down to the photographic art on the walls and the cushions.

The house is unpleasant to be in because she is worried about it getting dirty and it’s stressful and uncomfortable being a guest because she’s constantly making comments asking us not to mess up the house. For example, sitting down to eat she will ask us not to get anything on the rug or if our toddler drops something outside she will ask that he not drop it inside (where the floor is tiled and things can be easily cleaned) .

I have family with a lot of money and it’s a very different experience being in their home - because it’s a home they decorated themselves and not a shrine to a building company.

Whenever we visit my SIL everyone is tense and my partner and I argue because he’s so wound up. It’s different when we visit friend’s houses - we are both relaxed and the friends genuinely want to see everyone and aren’t caught up with appearances.

It must be awful for your sister in law living in a mausoleum - surrounded by things she has no connection to.

Oooo so much to think about! Humans are so complex. The way we react is bloody fascinating

Other peoples' marriages are always a mystery.
I think that I'd try to go the light-hearted route and poke fun at Tim Not-Nice-and-Dim.
I know that a lot of people have suggested some quiet one-on-one time with SIL but I wonder if the opposite might work - if several couples in the family get together for a weekend (?somewhere neutral for a Big Birthday?) and they all model happy, relaxed relationships then it might bring it home to SIL that her marriage is the odd-one-out.
The other old trick is to talk to SIL about a 'friend', friend's awful marriage and how she escaped it with help of family.

All you can do is - every now & then, subtly - let SIL know that you know and that you will be there for her if/when the time comes

I'm disappointed in myself to desperately want to no who this asswhole we all would know is.

Do you think she can sense your disapproval? Do you think she might actually be happy with her set up, but feel tense when you're there as she knows you don't like her DH? Just trying to give an alternative perspective

@kateandme don't be. It's not anyone exciting. The family name is (or perhaps used to be) a household one because of something they made hundreds of years ago. I recognised it partly because there's a local connection to where I grew up and my house team in the local comprehensive was named after them.

Just to clarify why I think she's miserable: on two separate occasions in the middle of family visits to her, she's absolutely lost it and run out of the room in floods of tears before sobbing about what a selfish, mean bastard he his. I dont think I'm projecting, because of my apparent 'jealousy' or anything else.

I'll own being tacky though. 😁😂

This is exactly how I would be too! I wouldn't be able to stop myself 😁

Poor woman. She married a boring aristocrat and she's still doing housework. Is he stingy as well as a twat?

She's probably well aware that her husband is not as good as she hoped. She'll sort out her life when she's ready but in the meantime, I would try to just meet her outside, rather than going to visit

It will take her a while to realise he isn’t going to change and that he holds all the cards so he’s sitting tight doing what he’s always done, while she runs round after him and earns her own money anyway. She will probably become less and less impressed with all those cards he holds, so just make sure she knows you are ready to prop her up with support when the time comes to walk away from her cold husband and his cold house.

They now live in a "Hall" (basically a small stately home) with furniture and art and wine dotted about that i couldt afford with 10 years salary.

Are the furniture and art inherited? What a out the wine?

How can they afford that but not some domestic help so she's not doing everything on top of doing a full time job?

she's absolutely lost it and run out of the room in floods of tears before sobbing about what a selfish, mean bastard he his.

The status is obviously more important to her than being treated well or being relatively happy ... . What can you do about that. She'll leave if & when that changes.

Is she of child bearing age? She'll probably have kids with him for further status/lock in ... Before she leaves.

Maybe they aren't telling her he's a shitbag because they respect her choices. Or maybe they have, but not infront of you because it's not some kind of drama to be played out for your viewing pleasure.

It sounds like she likes to have some of "her" people to stay, so if you genuinely cared about her wellbeing you would go give her some support and stop slagging off her house.

Well, what did you do on that occasion — you individually as well as you plural?