I know IABU but not sure what to do about it.
DHs family are mostly very nice. I get on exceptionally well with many of them. They're all much more middle class than me but that's fine, we all laugh about it (in both directions IYSWIM) and they generally like me as I do them.
DHs sister has always had a taste for properly posh things. All her friends have always been very grand, moneyed artisan types (think Hugh Fearnly whatsit and his ilk). Fine. She's nice and we have some stuff in common and get along well when we see each other.
She's fairly recently married a full on aristocrat. They're not famous but you'd know the name if I mentioned it (won't, obvs). They now live in a "Hall" (basically a small stately home) with furniture and art and wine dotted about that i couldt afford with 10 years salary. He's also a massive arsehole.
Whenever we're invited to stay with them (they live quite far away) it's always pitched as some kind of treat. Like we get to go and soak up their lovely life for a while. The first time we went I was up for it (because I'm nosey, if I'm honest, and who wouldn't like a real look at how the other half live?) But a year or so in and I find it all quite cold, sad, and awkward. Her husband isn't very nice to her and doesn't have any interest in her life or her family. She works full time and does everything around the (enourmous) house while he sits in his study writing his correspondence and waiting for tea on a tray. She is quite miserable, although has only really been honest about this once or twice and the rest of the time keeps up appearances. It's all just a bit, icky.
There's a general family tone of her being very impressive (she is but not because of who she married / their money), and having done very well for herself, and doesn't she work hard (she does, but needn't). She too can be a little hauty and condescending at times, if she's feeling below par or defensive. I think she lacks genuine confidence, despite being incredibly capable and seeming to have confidence in spades.
It all just makes me feel a bit rank tbh. I feel like her family (including me) should be shouting "get out, he treats you like shit!" but instead they're all quite deferential and keep shtum. I can't abide the fakery of it all when I'm expected to be impressed and grateful. I've stopped wanting to hang out with her or go and stay because it's all so weird.
What am I missing? How do I get rid of this chip on my shoulder? And what strategies would you put in place to deal with staying there (and having to say "Oh, it's beautiful!" at the huge, priceless-collectable-adorned but freezing and untouchable bedroom you're presented with, or listen to her husband drone on about his latest acquisitions while she works herself ragged to cook an impressive meal but refuses any help etc)?
AIBU to think this is a weird way to live? To want her to be happier? Or am I just a chippy scrubber? I've got myself in a tangle over it and don't know what to do.