DHs "posh" sister

[BeatieBourke]

I know IABU but not sure what to do about it.

DHs family are mostly very nice. I get on exceptionally well with many of them. They're all much more middle class than me but that's fine, we all laugh about it (in both directions IYSWIM) and they generally like me as I do them.

DHs sister has always had a taste for properly posh things. All her friends have always been very grand, moneyed artisan types (think Hugh Fearnly whatsit and his ilk). Fine. She's nice and we have some stuff in common and get along well when we see each other.

She's fairly recently married a full on aristocrat. They're not famous but you'd know the name if I mentioned it (won't, obvs). They now live in a "Hall" (basically a small stately home) with furniture and art and wine dotted about that i couldt afford with 10 years salary. He's also a massive arsehole.

Whenever we're invited to stay with them (they live quite far away) it's always pitched as some kind of treat. Like we get to go and soak up their lovely life for a while. The first time we went I was up for it (because I'm nosey, if I'm honest, and who wouldn't like a real look at how the other half live?) But a year or so in and I find it all quite cold, sad, and awkward. Her husband isn't very nice to her and doesn't have any interest in her life or her family. She works full time and does everything around the (enourmous) house while he sits in his study writing his correspondence and waiting for tea on a tray. She is quite miserable, although has only really been honest about this once or twice and the rest of the time keeps up appearances. It's all just a bit, icky.

There's a general family tone of her being very impressive (she is but not because of who she married / their money), and having done very well for herself, and doesn't she work hard (she does, but needn't). She too can be a little hauty and condescending at times, if she's feeling below par or defensive. I think she lacks genuine confidence, despite being incredibly capable and seeming to have confidence in spades.

It all just makes me feel a bit rank tbh. I feel like her family (including me) should be shouting "get out, he treats you like shit!" but instead they're all quite deferential and keep shtum. I can't abide the fakery of it all when I'm expected to be impressed and grateful. I've stopped wanting to hang out with her or go and stay because it's all so weird.

What am I missing? How do I get rid of this chip on my shoulder? And what strategies would you put in place to deal with staying there (and having to say "Oh, it's beautiful!" at the huge, priceless-collectable-adorned but freezing and untouchable bedroom you're presented with, or listen to her husband drone on about his latest acquisitions while she works herself ragged to cook an impressive meal but refuses any help etc)?

AIBU to think this is a weird way to live? To want her to be happier? Or am I just a chippy scrubber? I've got myself in a tangle over it and don't know what to do.

@LabradorEyes indeed. I can’t see how she’s running a manor (?)/country estate single handedly? @OP are children on the horizon/have I missed?

Is DH a trustafarian? Poss missed again, what does he ‘do’?

It bothers you because you're nice and you care about her. You want to fix things. I'd be the same. You see that she's probably trapped and you want to help, but you don't want to come across as being jealously destructive because you care about what people think. From what I can see your position comes from one of affection and love, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'd focus on your direct relationship with her. Make sure she has that as a safe place if and when she needs it, and make sure she knows that all of the trappings are of no consequence to you - all you care about is her. You might want to say that bit out loud, but tactfully.

Can you do anything where you go away for the weekend with all the women (yoga retreat or boozy weekend, whatever) as an alternative? See where away from this not very nice situation - an escape. Make sure it's something that you couldn't do at that massive house.

A little something I do when I see people are unhappy but can't/ won't/ aren't ready to discuss it , is when I meet them give them a very big , long squeezy hug. I mean hold them really close, for what seems an age, rather than a perfunctory arms-around. It's a signal,of your love and your openness to being really close. It can sometimes be just what they need to,crack the shell and when the time is right to let it all out.

Call her randomly just for a chat every now and then. Send her silly pictures on WhatsApp. Just be nice. It's what you're good at and a little bit of lovely goes a long way when your miserable.

Perhaps they can't afford it. Fur coat no knickers syndrome.

I know someone who ended up living in one room as rain destroyed the rest of the mansion.

I'd keep going as he could be trying to push her family away , probably behaves better when his side are there. Maybe say to her let's have simple supper instead of fancy meal so easier for her and maybe activities to get everyone out of big house. But I wouldn't stop going as that could be what he wants and isolate her more. And sneak little electrical heater in for your room.
It's a bit shit that they don't have staff

@justasking111 sounds like they’re keeping up appearances at least. Almost impossible to do that & run a ‘stately home!, albeit a small one, singlehandedly…

OP, just be glad it’s not you. We do get a bit of a close up snap shot of in laws lives whether we like it or not I guess.

I have rich in laws with everything on paper. Miserable as sin mind and it’s kinda nice for me to see the grass sure as hell ain’t that green ….. I am a bit of inverted snob though to be fair 😂😂. Definitely poorer but happier here 🙌. Honestly just slowly, slowly start to disengage…… less obvious that way.

Stay in touch with her but it’s really none of your business - other people’s marriages rarely are

The Christmas Card angst is just odd too

I think you really need to untangle your feelings about her tastes and her husband's background etc from your worries about her happiness. They seem really interwoven- not just what you say about the family being deferential but in your post as well, which opens with a long section about your SIL's tastes, furniture and art etc before you even mention the worries. Honestly, everything before "massive arsehole" isn't relevant.

Try to think what you'd do if they lived in a 3 bed semi, then do that. For me that would be trying to be friendly and supportive to her and make it clear that she can talk to you openly if she wants to. I wouldn't assume that her family not telling her to get out is related to the class difference- people often don't talk honestly about this stuff because they fear intruding on someone else's privacy. (A family member of mine is married to a selfish man-child, and people don't mention it, apart from me very occasionally and gently.)

@Debtknell I was the only one who, after a few minutes, went to see if she was OK while everyone else just ate dinner and pretended nothing had happened. We sat outside together and had a long chat. I said no one's marriage is perfect and noone knows what really goes on in other people's relationships (she judged my marriage is 'perfect', which it isn't but we're pretty happy) and all we can do is make sure our choices work best for us and what we need rather than anyone else and what they think.

Next time I saw her it was like it had never happened. And then the time after that the same thing happened again.

Could you and she have a couple of nights away somewhere neutral to give her a chance to talk about things?

I don’t understand what the problem is?
What has the husband done?
All this cold, damp, misery sounds like something op created in her head.

I don’t really have any advice to offer you OP but just to say we have a friend who has married an aristocrat as well and similar situation of expectation of feeling like it’s an absolute gift to be invited to weekends at the manor, the prick of a husband, the pressure for a male heir, the shift in her behaviour and personality, friends oscillating between being impressed and critical/jealous, the complex feelings in myself (I too am quite introspective and spend a lot of time examining myself for potential jealousy/shoulder chips). So you are not alone! I can see why Meghan fled the whole scene with Harry tbh, the British are strange.

What is this non-sense 😂

Anyone doing what’s written here should be locked up, totally unhinged!

Invite them both to yours instead? Doesn't sound like he would accept the invitation going by what you've said about him. She'll either come on her own to visit you or she won't but either way you're still extending the hand of hospitality without having to go there and pretend how impressed you are etc etc.

I agree with all of this. Particularly the ha-ha.

Interventions are dependent on the relationship of the protagonists (how close) and the cause of the unhappiness (people feel more justified speaking out in the case of abuse, alcoholism, adultery or severe mental illness for example than ordinary unhappiness). I don’t think the scale of the property is a factor.

For what it’s worth I kind of get how your feeling. What they are projecting is completely incongruent with reality. If your someone who is quite real/raw as a person this fakery will bother you, even though it’s not actually your life. I find it hard to associate with blatant hypocrisy, and I struggle with huge elephants in the room. It’s not real is it? And that’s tough to be around.

Don’t go where you feel uncomfortable and don’t hang out with people you don’t like

Avoid situations where you can’t be as authentic as possible

Focus on your life rather than hers

Simple

Also she is an adult and can make her own choices

She may know she's made a terrible mistake but based on what you say is her family's non reaction to her obvious distress, she may be finding it impossible to admit publicly that she got it wrong, that everything she thought she wanted was just a mirage. She quite possibly feels "guilty" that she has all this material privilege but is still miserable. She may need somebody to say to her that's it's OK, she doesn't have to live like this and that you are there for her. I honestly think that doing something with her alone and having a good natter is a way to support her without you having to freeze in their home.

Is she / was she an anxious person anyway? The running off in tears may be her anxiety exploding, she may have built up the pressure to be the perfect aristo wife in her head.

I think you need to step back and stop concerning yourself so much with her life and her happiness, it doesn’t even sound like you like her that much from the way you describe her.

Yes, exactly. OP, if you were really solely concerned with your SIL’s happiness, your title would be ‘DH’s poor sister’, not ‘DH’s posh sister’, and you wouldn’t lead off with a description of her aristocratic social circle, the fact that she married into a small stately home, your irritation at being invited to stay somewhere with art and wine worth many times your salary, and your annoyance that her family are impressed by her.

You sound very keen on her admitting she’s unhappy so you can feel better about your evident jealousy and social insecurity, because you’d like the family narrative to be ‘poor X, she sold her soul for a manor house’. Stop going to visit if it’s making you this exercised.

I get this OP.
My BIL is married to an upper class woman. Her family are hideously racist and pompous, but somehow they are labelled as "eccentric" and "fun" by most people in the family.
Their aristocratic roots and enormous stately home apparently mean they are judged by different standards.

To be honest I find it fake and boring. I avoid them. I have no chip on my shoulder. I was born into privilege. I just don't like them much!

Trust your instincts and keep them at arms length !

But you presumably just avoid them. You don’t write lengthy internet posts detailing the offending peoples’ social circumstances and your wish for your family to publicly acknowledge the unhappiness of the match.

@SoIAmGlad no I don't?

I love how on mumsnet you can't pose a question or ponder something without being "overinvested". Like one internet post is the sum total of your life and anything not mentioned in it is neglected. Weird.

@crocusfocus that's exactly it. I should do just as you have, and resolve to having read through this and thought about it. I think the "class" difference between me and her family and her DH clouds things a bit, but ultimately a red herring. He's just an arse.