Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

[whatatanker]

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

I'm not saying he shouldn't do it but the reality is that she was doing the mornings when she wasn't working, he'd be working and doing the mornings so not the same thing.

Yes I agree it sounds a long day for you OP. When you said you'd be home to do afternoon school run I thought you meant 3.30 but now it's 5.30.
Is it a long commute? A job that's like 8-4 with 1.5 hrs commute would quickly become a killer for me with 3 young children!

Between you, you need to come up with a workable solution so that you both benefit from you returning to work. If that means using some of the money to outsource labour then so be it. You might want to think about a cleaner too.

She has a husband who could fill those roles. Why spend money on unneeded help?

As others have said, you have taken a huge hit in terms of career promotion and pension, you need to stand firm on this. I am assuming you have one child who is nearly eight, so they will be able to dress / wash themselves, so only two small ones to wrangle. And because you are teaching he only has to do this during term time.

Why does he need to benefit from this change? He had been benefiting immensely from the prior arrangement, for 8 years.

It's her turn. The end.

I work in a male-dominated office (software), but all the Dads work all kinds of hours so their wives can work. Some come in at 6 am so they can do the school pickup, some come in at 10 am so they can do the drop-off and then work until 6 pm. We all have good careers, most of the Dads are holding down senior management roles too. So why wouldn't a man want to help his wife have a good life? I spent 20 years working 3/4 time, my wife did the same, that way the kids saw plenty of both of us. Sure, I didn't get as far up the corporate hierarchy as I could have, but who cares about the corporate hierarchy compared to their's spouse's happiness? Only a very selfish person. Also, note that 80% of stay-at-home wives are clinically depressed compared to only 20% of working wives. Does your husband really want a wife who's zombied-out on pharmaceuticals?

Thank you for your valuable input

Because now suddenly there are two people in the household wanting a career and not just one as was previously the case.

I had to laugh at this comment 😂

You do realize that for many working parents that is our life right?

It may be exhausting and it may not sound great but it's also life and it would be even more exhausting if my partner wasn't pulling his weight!

The fact OP sacrificed 8 years doesn't mean she didn't want a career then. It's not a sudden whim. It was always a need/want for her, but she put it on the back-burner for the sake of her family.

@Lifeisapeach

I doubt its suddenly and that still doesn't explain why the op has to share that particular part of the workload

Yes? And that’s where the flexibility and accommodation comes in. He changes his mornings.

I went through this over the whole of my 25 yr marriage with my ex. He wanted me to stay at home and help with his business, I needed to be me and do a job I loved. He always talked about my job as if it was pin money despite me earning more than him 🙄 We have recently divorced but that's another story! Can you plan some things together that you will be able to do once you are a 2 income family? He is going to be scared if he's never done it before but as the kids grow things will only get easier in regards of getting them sorted for school and point out that if you split up he'd have to do it anyway in the spirit of shared care and co-parenting.

This already has undertones of whether he will “let” you go back to work, which is not good. He hasn’t paid your pension contributions to preserve your independence. Giving in now will only increase the imbalance/your dependence. He has a flexible job so can do this. His business is not doing well so as a family you could do with the added security. It’s your dream job. All the pointers are in the same direction - Take the job

OP will be working for an employer, "DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns".

Perhaps, in time, OP may be afforded more flexibility, but right now, at the start of the job, she does not. Her husband already has flexibility. It is not unreasonable for her to expect him to use it, for the good of the family.

I’m struggling to understand his motivation. Surely if his business is struggling and he hasn’t got a high income he’d welcome the extra income stream into your household? It must be so stressful being the sole wage earner and not doing all that well. Especially with inflation being so high and a possible recession on the horizon.

Is he really so lazy that he wants his family to limp by on one income just so he doesn’t have to get up early?

Not to mention all the threads on here lately about the men who’ve got to their 40s or 50s, never pulled their weight at home and then ditched their wives for a younger woman with a successful career when they realise having a significant other with a high income will give them a nicer life in retirement!

If your able to do the after school run, could the kids not go into breakfast club ?on a morning,

I didn't like DH saying you shouldn't take the job because your kids need you at home. Is he implying you're a bad mum if you go out to work? I'm glad you're going to take the job. Also the pensions thing, wow. Earn your own money and don't be dependant. Enjoy your dream job.

yes Suddenly. Suddenly there is now a viable job on the table that the op wants to take. And with no other option being put forward for wrap around childcare the OP thinks the husband should cover all drop offs to support this particular job that is not offering a flexible way of working. How is that even fair?

my husband and I each have good careers and three young children. I too navigated the return to work challenges. It’s a tough world being a woman and stepping back into the working world after being the support at home. We have a 50/50 way of working that allows us both to share the load and dedicate time to our careers while picking up our fair share of parental responsibilities. Simply putting mornings to my husband just wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t be fair to him in his line of work. So we share it and it’s fairer.

He has flexible working. He can choose his own hours. That is the option that has been put forward. What’s the problem with it, exactly? Why isn’t it fair that he take his turn (as she has) carrying the responsibility for those particular duties so as to make things easier for her?

What are these 'forms of before-school care' of which some posters are speaking, which somehow miraculously absolve parents of the morning hustle and bustle? A childminder? - they don't come to the house and get the children up and dressed for you. You do all that and drop them off. An au pair, you say? Yes, good solution (easier before Brexit), if you have a spare room, second bathroom, sufficient income to pay one and you want to have an extra person in the house full-time. A nanny? Part-time nannies are rarer than hen's teeth, live-in ones cost a bomb and, respectfully, I suspect the OP's family income is not currently in that bracket.

OP, please come back and tell us you have signed the contract, and got a start date for your great new dream job. My child-rearing days are long behind me, but I am always overly invested in these threads because my first husband was a real horror on this stuff. Resented me working, (but I have no doubt would have taken my loss of financial independence as an opportunity to financially abuse me), refused to lift a finger on childcare (except perhaps to drop DS off at nursery once I'd done all the prep). I sucked it up for the sake of a more peaceful home life, and I really shouldn't have, but no amount of protest or negotiation would have changed the basic fact of his selfishness.

If you are not married to such a person, please stand your ground, and you and your family will be the better for it.

The problem “exactly” is that the job on the table is too restrictive ! Need some flex if both parents want a career. That’s my view.

Can you go be a handmaiden somewhere else please? This is getting old...

This is appalling. The man has failed to contribute to your pension when you’ve been raising his kids for him and is trying to guilt you in to not gaining employment simply because he doesn’t want to parent the kids he made. How can you even bear to look at him?

@Lifeisapeach Well, I suppose the 'flex' comes in the fact that the job is TTO, which is an absolute gift to working parents of school age children, and the fact that she will be out of the door early enough to do the afternoon collection.