Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

[whatatanker]

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

Why, though? You keep repeating yourself, but I’m asking for your reasons. He already has flexibility, she doesn’t. So why can’t he take his turn carrying this particular responsibility in order to accommodate her?

Or do you not have reasons for said view?

Don't worry. Just ignore this poster. They obviously either like to stir things up as some kind of game or are a total misogynist. They come on any thread where a guy is being unreasonable and bleat about how MN is mean to the menz.

But that's the point in his line of work. The OP's husband just doesn't want to because he doesn't want to do the grunt work. She is going to the grunt work in the afternoons. It's perfectly fair and your arrangements are irrelevant because they only relate to your particular circumstances.

Many working mums do this, day in and day out with the help of their partners!!! I do it Mon-Fri and we make it work because my DH isn't a prick and he actually pulls his weight. Saying it's too restrictive is is ridiculous, its a full time job!!!

And she'll be working and doing the afternoons. What's the problem?

since you asked… my views as follows

1/ Her husband works… therefore should not be the sole dependency for getting kids out to school and nursery. Unless of course he wants to and can without it messing up his schedule. Nobody here knows if that is the case.
2/ she wants to go back to work but assumes her husband should just roll over and accommodate. Nobody forced her to be at home for so long. Yes she did great for her family over this period but he was financially supporting the family at the same time. It’s a team effort.

3/ the job on the table isn’t flexible and requires a huge change to the husbands mornings. Every single day.
… from a job that he has been supporting the family with financially for 8 years. Fair play if he wants to but he doesn’t and there’s nothing terrible in that.
4/ If two people want a career there needs to be an element of flex on both sides. Not just… she wants a career and now he (who’s been keeping the family financially) needs to amend his day to accommodate every single morning.

As I said. Share the responsibility and from what she has described The situation sounds too restrictive. Share the load!

@Lifeisapeach careful, your internalised mysoginy is leaking 🙄

That doesn’t answer my question at all. It’s just you repeating yourself again. You keep saying there needs to be flex, and it needs to be shared, but seem unable to drill down and say why.

I think that’s interesting.

Right, this is plainly one of those situtation where @Lifeisapeach has painted herself into a corner and can't now stand down. But, although it is stating the obvious, and @Lifeisapeach plainly knows this, it nevertheless is worth stating for the OP's sake: the load will be shared.
He (during the 38 weeks of term time) will be doing mornings, because the OP has to leave early. Her morning hours are not flexible, but his are, although he is unused to doing the morning run, and is objecting to the additional, let's say, 8- 10 hours a week child care to facilitate his wife's work.

She will be doing the afternoons, so he can sail on through pick-ups, after school activities, homework time, and quite likely dinner prep.

During school holidays, it might well be that he reverts to starting his working day earlier and she picks up all the morning childcare again. Or he might realise that he loves the grunt work and feels a right old superman, cleverly combining work and family, pulling together with his wife, all heroic !

Tell me how exactly. Flip the roles and the principles still apply.

Didn’t she say she would be home to collect at 5PM?

This sounds fantastic op 👏. Yay for you.and you sound really excited.
Be on his side. But have tye boundaries. Be sympathetic but don't back down.
Could you do a few mornings together first.ti show him your tricks vof the morning trade so to speak.
He's being a git.youve had to do all this.he doesn't get to always pick the best part of parenting! But I get it.mornings are a shit for some lol.
But is there more going on here. The way you so out of there said about your marriage? That can't surely just come from a event like this?

the job on the table isn’t flexible and requires a huge change to the husbands mornings. Every single day.

But in return the OP picks the children up EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Seems a fair compromise

Didn’t she say she would be home to collect at 5PM?

Exactly ...she'll collect them from after school club at 5pm. Something her DH won't have to worry about.

@kateandme

Why on earth does she have to help him and be sympathetic?

When he hasn't afforded her the same decency?

@Lifeisapeach

maybe she should just stay home some
more eh? Rather than risk inconveniencing her husband.

you know what they say about sarcasm

I'd have a calm, sit down chat. I'd talk about why the job is important to you, how it will benefit you and your family in the longterm. I'd also discuss how you will manage doing long hours around his working hours and how best to make it work for your family.

You know him better than I do. You are better placed to find out if it is just fear of the unknown or actual laziness or spite on his part. I have gone back to work part time after each of my 3 kids and my dh has always facilitated this. This time around he's compressed his hours so our very clingy baby doesn't have to go to nursery thereby making me feel better about leaving her.

Raising a family is teamwork and being partners is just that, supporting each other and raising each other up. I hope it all works out for you op.

I expect that if the husband was trying to get back into work after being away from it for 8 years, and had found a great role that he desperately wanted, and his wife said no because she likes to have lie ins and doesn’t want to deal with the children in the morning, you might be less supportive.

I know plenty of working parents and I don't know any who have to be up at 5.30 to be out at 6.30 with 3 young children. Leaving at 6.30 for a job in a school sounds like there is a long commute and not all jobs have that.

I worked and brought up my children while being the carer for my disabled husband, getting up at 5.30 wouldn't have worked in the long term.

You really do talk a load of bollocks!! One parent does the dropoff, the other the pickup. Seems perfectly fair to me?

It's not going to "mess up his schedule" - he's got flexibility?

How many teaching jobs are you aware of that can apply "flexibility" first thing in the morning???

There isn't a problem, just the reality that she did the mornings when she didn't have a job so him working fulltime and doing the mornings isn't the same. It is just a fact so saying she did it so now he can do the same doesn't apply as it isn't actually the same.

Haha…. how many teachers do you know with 3+ kids that leave at 6:30 in the morning every day?

THIS

The fact that OP stayed home enabled him to go on with his breezy morning routine for years. Had things been equal (both working and kids in childcare) DH would have had to share the nursery/school run for these past 8 years.

So it's exactly the same.