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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 15:11

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 14:59

The fact that OP stayed home enabled him to go on with his breezy morning routine for years. Had things been equal (both working and kids in childcare) DH would have had to share the nursery/school run for these past 8 years.

So it's exactly the same.

Show quote history

It’s really not the same.

I am 100 % Behind people getting back to work.

she enabled his job/career for the benefit of their financial security. You don’t really know what his mornings were like.but she was at home and not working and so was able to cover mornings previously.

he enabled her being at home all this time for the benefit of their family !

now they move to a place where both parents work in support of each of their careers. They need to make it work for both.

PousseyNotMoira · 31/01/2023 15:14

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 14:48

There isn't a problem, just the reality that she did the mornings when she didn't have a job so him working fulltime and doing the mornings isn't the same. It is just a fact so saying she did it so now he can do the same doesn't apply as it isn't actually the same.

Show quote history

If he has flexibility and can choose his hours (which he does and can), then none of that is an issue. They’ll both be working, they’ll both be doing child shuttling, they’ll both be making work.

Caiti19 · 31/01/2023 15:21

Take it. He's being selfish and not thinking about the future.

illtakeit · 31/01/2023 15:28

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 14:45

I know plenty of working parents and I don't know any who have to be up at 5.30 to be out at 6.30 with 3 young children. Leaving at 6.30 for a job in a school sounds like there is a long commute and not all jobs have that.

I worked and brought up my children while being the carer for my disabled husband, getting up at 5.30 wouldn't have worked in the long term.

Show quote history

Well, you don't know enough working parents then!!

BigSkies2022 · 31/01/2023 15:33

Well, I don't have a huge pool of teachers in my acquaintance, but one (no children) but living in south London and working in north London, did just that. His role (deputy head) entailed looking at every timetable for that day and making sure there were teachers/supply teachers to cover, and that had to be done by 7.30 each morning. I also know of another (3 children) with a long commute (south London out to the 'burbs of Surrey) who did the same in order to arrive at school ahead of the school run traffic and have a peaceful hour in which to mark, lesson plan and supervise his team. So his wife (also working, but an easier commute and flexible start time) got the children ready to go to childminder/school, then headed into the city for her 9.30 start.

Not everyone with an early start and a long commute is working in a hospital or a trading desk in the City.

Grimchmas · 31/01/2023 15:53

she enabled his job/career for the benefit of their financial security.

One thing I note you haven't replied to, @Lifeisapeach is that he had the opportunity to pay into her pension but actively chose not to. He paid into his, which is only for the benefit of their joint financial security for as long as they remain together, and he is kind enough to share it with her. The business is also not doing well post-pandemic, therefore it's hardly rocket science that diversifying into two incomes is to the benefit of the family's financial security.

She's put in 8 years of full time childcare, she's facilitated his career. She's still available to do pick ups and school holiday morning routines. She's asking him to do mornings, term-time only. Why the ever loving F do you keep on saying they need to share responsibility and emphasising that it must be a 50/50 split of who does weekday term time mornings?? A fair share of responsibility is him doing roughly half over all and her doing roughly half over all - and you cannot ignore the fact that she did the last 8 years, and is available for mornings weekends and out of term-time. She did way more than 50% the last 8 years, and is still making herself available for more than 50% going forwards, she's asking her husband for the smallest amount of flexibility in that he does mornings for weekdays only, term time only.

lieselotte · 31/01/2023 15:56

she enabled his job/career for the benefit of their financial security. You don’t really know what his mornings were like.but she was at home and not working and so was able to cover mornings previously. he enabled her being at home all this time for the benefit of their family

No, it doesn't work like that. She has enabled his career, and for him to have the three "trophy" children. He has not enabled anything. If she wasn't there, he wouldn't have the kids. He might have the career.

Basecampzero · 31/01/2023 16:04

@Mumsanetta your relationship sounds wonderful. So lovely to hear a couple working as a team.

Out of interest, what are his parents like? I have a fantasy they didn't treat him like a little prince!

Basecampzero · 31/01/2023 16:16

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 14:48

There isn't a problem, just the reality that she did the mornings when she didn't have a job so him working fulltime and doing the mornings isn't the same. It is just a fact so saying she did it so now he can do the same doesn't apply as it isn't actually the same.

Show quote history

I don't get your point. Just because he didn't do it before doesn't mean he shouldn't do it now.

Circumstances have changed. He's been lucky he hasn't had to worry about it before and could only think of himself.

It's what being part of a couple is all about. You and Lifeisapeach seem to think only women should compromise. It's very depressing.

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:40

Basecampzero · 31/01/2023 16:16

I don't get your point. Just because he didn't do it before doesn't mean he shouldn't do it now.

Circumstances have changed. He's been lucky he hasn't had to worry about it before and could only think of himself.

It's what being part of a couple is all about. You and Lifeisapeach seem to think only women should compromise. It's very depressing.

Show quote history

I didn't say he shouldn't do it I said that people saying she did it so he should as it's the same isn't right as she did it when not working but he's being asked to do it when he has a fulltime job It doesn't mean he shouldn't it just means the two things aren't the same.

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:47

illtakeit · 31/01/2023 15:28

Well, you don't know enough working parents then!!

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About to retire as HR manager, have had literally hundreds of working parents working in my organisation, I was a working parent, my GC all have working parents, my neighbour is a working parent so I know plenty thanks.

Apologies to OP for sympathising with what sounds like a tiring day, obviously that isn't approved of on here, I mean if other people are doing it I obviously can't sympathise with you. Hope it works out for you.

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 16:49

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:40

I didn't say he shouldn't do it I said that people saying she did it so he should as it's the same isn't right as she did it when not working but he's being asked to do it when he has a fulltime job It doesn't mean he shouldn't it just means the two things aren't the same.

Show quote history

So maybe it's time for him to go part time then...?

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:50

Basecampzero · 31/01/2023 16:16

I don't get your point. Just because he didn't do it before doesn't mean he shouldn't do it now.

Circumstances have changed. He's been lucky he hasn't had to worry about it before and could only think of himself.

It's what being part of a couple is all about. You and Lifeisapeach seem to think only women should compromise. It's very depressing.

Show quote history

I haven't said only women should compromise, I've been the wage earner in my house for the last 35 years.

I have said

It sounds like a long hard day for the OP.
I have said having to be up at 5.30 and out of the house at 6.30 isn't easy.
I pointed out that people saying her doing the mornings when she wasn't working was the same as him doing the mornings when he has a fulltime job isn't the same thing.

Some on here seem to think that unless someone is working 18 hrs a day they are slackers, that shouldn't be an ambition for any parent male or female.

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:51

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 16:49

So maybe it's time for him to go part time then...?

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That isn't for you or me to decide but maybe the OP could suggest it to him.

illtakeit · 31/01/2023 16:54

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:47

About to retire as HR manager, have had literally hundreds of working parents working in my organisation, I was a working parent, my GC all have working parents, my neighbour is a working parent so I know plenty thanks.

Apologies to OP for sympathising with what sounds like a tiring day, obviously that isn't approved of on here, I mean if other people are doing it I obviously can't sympathise with you. Hope it works out for you.

Show quote history

So because your neighbor doesn't do it, you've never done it and parent's in your organisation don't do it - that would mean it's unheard of? Seriously? You are really lacking imagination then for a so called HR manager.

It's OK to sympathize but I doubt you were doing it out of sympathy for the OP, not by the sound of all your posts on this thread! You're not fooling anyone here.

Mumsanetta · 31/01/2023 17:10

Basecampzero · 31/01/2023 16:04

@Mumsanetta your relationship sounds wonderful. So lovely to hear a couple working as a team.

Out of interest, what are his parents like? I have a fantasy they didn't treat him like a little prince!

Thanks @Basecampzero, we work very well as a team. I think it’s partly because we genuinely love, like and respect each other.

Funnily enough, he had a very traditional upbringing with mum at home until the 3 kids started school and then mum working part-time. His mum did everything childcare related as his dad “didn’t have the temperament” for it. No idea why he is so different to his dad but I do sometimes wonder (as I mentioned on another thread) if it’s to do with the fact that I have never done it all myself, earn a very high wage that makes me financially independent and we are both quick to have a moan if we feel put upon!

Botw1 · 31/01/2023 17:14

@ancientgran

Lots of working mums are judged, often in snide ways disguised as concern

Im sure that wasn't your intention but that's why peoples hackles are up.

Ewock · 31/01/2023 17:56

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 14:56

Haha…. how many teachers do you know with 3+ kids that leave at 6:30 in the morning every day?

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Honestly I know loads. A lot of my colleagues who commute have to leave at that time to make it in for 7.30am. You may not know anyone but I also assume you don't know every person who has a role in a school, therefore should not generalise.
I work part time as a teacher. On my days off I do drop offs and pick ups, on my working days (and this, I am sure, will make you think that my dh is my poor dh and how dare I expect him to take his share) does both drop off and pick ups! He has flexibility on start and finish times, I do not.
My dh supports my job and I support his. Your views are very archaic and actually pretty damaging to females who want to be mothers and keep their working identity and independence.

Riv · 31/01/2023 18:05

@ancientgran , I agree it’s a very long and tough day, but I know that is the usual length of a teaching day in school (arriving in school around 7.30 at the latest, leaving around 5.00pm) they tend to have a couple of hours prep in the evenings too, and a day at the weekend, especially around reports time. I have recently retired from teaching and did this, although I only had two children. I was fortunate enough to have a partner who sorted the children in the mornings and did most of the meals in the evening or we’d never have coped.
OP was a teacher, she knows what she’s getting in to! It’s tough, emotionally draining, no down time in the classroom or uninterrupted breaks, but it’s the best job in the world. (Apart from being a mum 😊)

RaineyDaze · 31/01/2023 19:54

You are absolutely meant to take this job and your husband appears to be concerned about his own needs and nothing more here! He appears worried about how much work it’ll entail to get the kids up and ready for school and get there on time as if it isn’t the same level of work for you when you do it, but you’re both equally the kids parents and if this is your dream job he’s going to have to suck it up and deal with it I’m afraid. His attitude does appear incredibly selfish. If it were me I’d take the job. Being in a relationship is a partnership and it should be an equal one at that, so the housework, care of the kids should be done in a way that’s complimentary as possible to both of your schedules and everyone should have a shot at their dream job!

MysteryBelle · 31/01/2023 19:55

Do it anyway. What’s he going to do about it?

Terraria · 31/01/2023 21:11

My husband has been doing most of the morning school runs and walking the dog and working FT earning a lot more than me, I do most of the chores in the house, we have 3 kids, sounds like OP's husband is too used to easy life.

aloris · 01/02/2023 02:41

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 15:11

It’s really not the same.

I am 100 % Behind people getting back to work.

she enabled his job/career for the benefit of their financial security. You don’t really know what his mornings were like.but she was at home and not working and so was able to cover mornings previously.

he enabled her being at home all this time for the benefit of their family !

now they move to a place where both parents work in support of each of their careers. They need to make it work for both.

Show quote history

Well that would be true if he had contributed to her pension. Instead, he chose not to. So, no. She has been flexible and sacrificed for the family, while he built his career and contributed to HIS pension but NOT to hers. So expecting her to make MORE sacrifices so he doesn't have to, would NOT be fair. What would be FAIR would be for for him to do whatever needs to be done so she can have some financial independence too.

Stewball01 · 01/02/2023 06:43

Don't give up on your future.

MrsHutch3029 · 01/02/2023 09:42

For people oh so worried about OP’s husband’s morning routine being put out by an hour or so… it’s quite simple. He just needs to send out a mass memo to his clients saying “as of xx/xx/xxxx my working hours will be xx:xx-xx.xx during term time only to facilitate for childcare. Out of term time, my hours will be as normal. You are welcome to contact me outside of these hours, and I will deal with your enquiry as soon as possible. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.” Plus whatever his hours are at weekends. If his business is worth it, they will not be bothered by a couple of hours delay in the morning. That’s the beauty of owning your own business. You can literally shift your hours to suit your needs.