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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Tricky34 · 01/02/2023 09:49

Has he said why? It’s your dream job & it seems really selfish of him to say no. I know my husband would be over the moon, plus after school care is so tricky that it’s great you can still do that too! Have a little chat with him, but definitely take the job. You deserve it! X x x

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 11:57

That’s the beauty of owning your own business. You can literally shift your hours to suit your needs.

Eh, hello? His needs are to keep his mornings nice 👌 not clean up muck. I really don’t know how you are contemplating doing such a horrendous morning start to your husband 🙄 Would you not wish the same for him as you are having? Shameful really…

Basecampzero · 01/02/2023 12:15

Mumsanetta · 31/01/2023 17:10

Thanks @Basecampzero, we work very well as a team. I think it’s partly because we genuinely love, like and respect each other.

Funnily enough, he had a very traditional upbringing with mum at home until the 3 kids started school and then mum working part-time. His mum did everything childcare related as his dad “didn’t have the temperament” for it. No idea why he is so different to his dad but I do sometimes wonder (as I mentioned on another thread) if it’s to do with the fact that I have never done it all myself, earn a very high wage that makes me financially independent and we are both quick to have a moan if we feel put upon!

Show quote history

I hope it's the former rather than the latter. It's a bit depressing to think that once you've done the childcare/grunt work for a while, you should always do it. That doesn't seem reasonable or fair. I'd much rather it's just that you like, love and respect each other.

Basecampzero · 01/02/2023 12:24

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 16:50

I haven't said only women should compromise, I've been the wage earner in my house for the last 35 years.

I have said

It sounds like a long hard day for the OP.
I have said having to be up at 5.30 and out of the house at 6.30 isn't easy.
I pointed out that people saying her doing the mornings when she wasn't working was the same as him doing the mornings when he has a fulltime job isn't the same thing.

Some on here seem to think that unless someone is working 18 hrs a day they are slackers, that shouldn't be an ambition for any parent male or female.

Show quote history

But that's up to her to decide. It's irrelevant what you think about it. She wants to do it and I'm sure if it doesn't work out she can change her mind further down the line. The point is it's not what the DH has a problem with, he just doesn't want to do the grunt work.

I don't think people are saying it's the same thing. What they're saying is that he has had his life facilitated so he could just focus on his work for quite a few years. In return, he paid most of the bills. Now the OP has a chance to focus on her career and build up her pension the way the DH has been able to. She will in return contribute to the household finances.

It's a bit of a cheek having had a career yourself then turning round to tell the OP what she should be doing. If you were able to do all the childcare yourself and fit the job around it then you were lucky but not everyone has that advantage.

MrsHutch3029 · 01/02/2023 13:28

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 11:57

That’s the beauty of owning your own business. You can literally shift your hours to suit your needs.

Eh, hello? His needs are to keep his mornings nice 👌 not clean up muck. I really don’t know how you are contemplating doing such a horrendous morning start to your husband 🙄 Would you not wish the same for him as you are having? Shameful really…

Really hoping this is sarcasm. It’s hard to tell with all the other PPs suggesting that the poor husband might be put out by having to start work a bit later and be a parent in the morning for part (not even all) of the year.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/02/2023 18:06

Take it and I know tough shit he needs to do it, of course he does, but you could always do breakfast club if you absolutely had to.

BaconChops · 01/02/2023 18:07

He wanted children too! Not just your responsibility. Stand your ground you deserve a career of your own and will be off at all the peak leave times.

Almostempty · 01/02/2023 18:10

I do have an opinion on this. I had a similar dilemma after my second child. Husband earned enough money for me to stay at home as long as I did all homemaking and child-rearing activity I chose to go back to work part time and use all of my money and earnings to support childcare and Nanny at home ie no net gain financially. I strongly believe that if you are driven to take this job you will ultimately be a better mother and better wife for having the stimulation and enrichment of this work and this will offset any extra effort and organisational challenge that your husband and you may consequently incur. I am now in my 50s and have seen other mothers and peers really struggle as they approach empty nesting, working out how their future and their role should now look. And furthermore if I’m honest, and somewhat controversial, I have seen husbands bore and stray from their nonworking wives. This is of course a risk for everyone but another incentive to remain financially viable and empowered regardless of what the future brings. All that said, if the strain of returning to work will have a really negative impact on your mental health and your relationship then think harder. Good luck.

gimmepeaceandsky · 01/02/2023 18:21

please
Don't fall for his pressure.
We all know how hard it is to have all childcare
thrown in our backs and once you completely lost the path and the best opportunities in your career, it’s extremely hard to get back to in the same level and very hard to explain the long gaps and changes in fields.
I am sure you worked hard to become a teacher and if your children are passing the 2-3 years old that they can go to nursery is the best time for you to go back to work and accept that job of your dreams.
He just don’t want the hassle and is being selfish.
Go for it and don’t look back :) !!!

gimmepeaceandsky · 01/02/2023 18:33

Just saying because I went through this path of giving up career to look after my son and it’s been the hardest 10 years of my life. Going back to a decent job was a nightmare and still working full time is far from the salary I deserve as I changed fields so much to accommodate my jobs around “childcare” …. Just please do it. Go for the job. You won’t regret !

Mandyjack · 01/02/2023 18:57

They are his kids too and it seems unfair if you are going to be doing the pick ups and you've also been doing the majority of the child care up until now

Damsel · 01/02/2023 19:54

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

This

helpplease01 · 01/02/2023 20:01

TAKE THE JOB.

You want it. You take it.

He's being a selfish prick trying to talk you out of it. Honestly, it's really selfish of him to be putting pressure on you not to take it. He's thinking of him self, not of you. That's a red flag if you ask me.
It means he's got to work harder at the parenting.

Seriously, cover your arse for your future. You studied for this, got this far, don't throw away all you worked for just because you had some children!

If he walks, you will be in a much stronger position to look after yourself and your kids. You will respect your self more and you will be sending a strong message to you kids.

Original poster
whatatanker · 01/02/2023 20:06

I have accepted the job! I signed the contract today!

It is a very happy day. Thank you to so many of you for sharing your stories, anecdotes and encouragement and for helping me to make what I truly hope is the right decision for my family.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 01/02/2023 20:09

Hurray!!!!!

all power to you ! 💪😎💪

Bellsbeachwaves · 01/02/2023 20:09

TAKE THE JOB

Bellsbeachwaves · 01/02/2023 20:10

Haha too late! Congratulations 👏!!

SadSunshine · 01/02/2023 20:10

Yay you!!! Congratulations!!

LoveMyADHD · 01/02/2023 20:11

Wooohooooooo well done!!!!!!!

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/02/2023 20:13

Good for you, OP. Very best wishes for your new role!

Tricky34 · 01/02/2023 20:17

Yay! You go mumma x

MrsHutch3029 · 01/02/2023 20:26

Yes QUEEN!!! 👑 So proud of you! Best of luck with the future! ❤️🤞

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2023 20:46

Brilliant! Well done op

georgarina · 01/02/2023 20:54

Yesss love to see it! 🥳

MysteryBelle · 01/02/2023 21:00

Read your update, awesome!

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