Other parents just waiting to say told you so.

[NC2023]

Not sure what looking for. Maybe a good comeback or maybe just some insight/support.

My son was in a state school from nursery to year 2 and we decided to put him into private. We are by no means rich but can manage. Friends and parents of kids in the old school really tried to put us off by saying it’s a huge mistake and we are silly for doing so. I 100% feel it was, and still is the correct decision as the school has been given “requires improvement” in recent ofsted. I wasn’t happy at all with the school and other schools in catchment were no better so private was our decision.

what annoys me is one parent out of either “sheer concern” or most likely jealousy always brings up negatives of private school when we meet. I felt very uncomfortable last time we met as she questioned me what exactly is so different and I told her and her response was “well you could dothat yourself and all kids need in primary is a supportive parent”. She also keeps making a point her husband is very rich but they decided state school is better. I never bring up this topic of conversation but a handful of friends do every time. It’s really uncomfortable. I’m a very shy and introverted person so kind of feel it’s really awkward but others might think it’s just discussion.

I feel a few of them are waiting for DS to fail so they can say “told u so” or waiting for me to say private was a huge mistake and I’m regretting it. Every time I meet these few friends they make it into a discussion topic. I’m quite angry after each meet up.

I think they're rude. You should stop meeting them...

Just tell them it's no one else's business how you choose to educate your own child, and how you spend your money.

Some people are jealous twats. That’s really all there is to it.

Thank you for your responses. I did write a text to the friend after our meet up outlining I feel upset how she goes on about it every time but I didn’t send! I think it’s best to wait till someone brings it up again face to face. What can I actually say tho?

Christ, I can’t stand people like that.

It’s all out of jealousy. Can you start distancing yourself from them? They don’t sound like very good friends.

I do second guess myself and had lots of sleepless night wondering if I did make a mistake. Actually wrote a few threads on it at the time we were applying.

I know I made the right decision but still I keep second guessing after these meet-ups. He’s so happy in new school and is doing homework right now. Old school it was a battle to even get him to read, it’s so lovely to see how happy he is going to school.

Something along the lines of 'we'll have to agree to disagree on that topic'

'you do you' is a snarkier way of saying it

Just tell them you’ve made your decision about what you feel is best for your child, as they have made their decisions about theirs, and since there’s really nothing more to say you don’t want to discuss it again. Don’t get drawn into justifying or explaining, just refuse to talk about it anymore. If they can’t respect that then I’d just stop seeing them altogether. It’s rude of them, especially if they’re persisting.

They don't sound like great friends. Can you spend more time with parents/kids at the new school? They might be more likeminded

Do you need to be friends with her? She sounds jealous and insecure. You made what you feel is the best decision for you and you're comfortable with it. Life is not nearly as black and white as she's trying to make it out to be, probably to account for her own questioning of her choices/lack of them (maybe her husband is 'very rich' but is controlling with money and refuses to agree to private school?).

Fwiw, I was in private school from nursery through end of sixth form. It was absolutely the best decision my parents could have made as I really needed the more personalised attention and the smaller school, and the state schools near us were rubbish. Dh in private from latter end of primary for the same reason. Our dc have always and will always go to state school because they're great where we live and we're very happy with that decision. You do what you know is best and that's all you can do.

I probably would be inclined to not spend so much time around said friend if she is going to be constantly making nasty comments about my parenting. A true friend wouldn't do that.

Don’t feel the need to defend your decision to these people. Just close the topic of conversation down. Your child is happy and that’s all that matters.

I have been in a similar situation - we didn’t go private but we did move 15 miles to enable a better choice of school. I felt I had to constantly justify my choice and I know some friends thought I was crazy or snobbish. Now I just limit discussion to one sentence

“He’s very happy and doing very well thank you”

The particular friend is rude to ask you these questions and it sounds like you made the right decision, given the choices available. DD, 11, has a friend who has gone to a very expensive school and privately my DH and I wonder what she's getting out of this that is worth the money as we have good secondary options here, also due to the distance she has to leave ridiculously early on a school bus so she's always tired but I wouldn't ask the Mother any of this. I went to an independent school and it was pretty crap with bullying and spiteful girls/teachers abound so I would personally not make that choice for my DC, not that we could justify the money either!

The need to take down other people's school choice usually stems from insecurity about their own choices. The best thing you can say is "The choices I make for my child are not a judgement on the choices you make for yours."

Try not to let it bother you OP some people are like that. They are probably just jealous and feel insecure.

A work colleague always seems to pour cold water on our choices whatever they maybe and big up and justify their choices by rubbishing mine/our choices.

For example, DS wanted to go a GS which she totally slated and slagged off the kids who went there etc as her slightly older DS was at a Comp away from the City Centre which was by far the best option blah blah. Our younger DD went to the local city comp (her choice which at the time she started) had a good reputation again the work colleague really slated this choice and now low and behold her younger DD is attending the same comp (its reputation by Ofsted) has gone down significantly but as her DD is there its a fantastic choice. Its the same with her holiday destinations and now Uni choices etc etc.

Just ignore and do you.

Your so-called friends know what they are doing op. They have discussed you and your son when you are not there. Time to summon up your courage and tackle the ring leader within hearing of the others.

Sit up. Head up. Breathe. Arms open in front of you. Jut chin slightly forward. Hold her eye for one beat and say in a very calm voice “you do yours and I’ll do mine”.

As long as your son is happy and making good progress then I don’t see the issue. Private school is great for those who can afford it, although it’s better to be able to comfortably afford it, particularly in secondary as the extra-curricular stuff can get very expensive!

Some people are strongly opposed to private education on principle (nothing whatsoever to do with jealousy) and feel comfortable with airing their opinion even if it makes others in a group uncomfortable. Ime you will drift away from this group. If all you have in common is your children and they don't even go to the same school it will all just fizzle away.

Just keep changing the subject after a long pause

what is so special about the private school?………..long pause……
so have you started you Christmas shopping yet?

just keep thinking of wildly different subject to change to

Tell me about it OP, you want to try home educating, l had similar issues. They all knew best, or so they thought , yet my son did exceptionally well in his exams. It as worth all the judgement and uncomfortable conversations. Just remember you don't need anyone elses approval but your own.

Was, not as.

As a PP stated is it that they are morally and politically against private schools?

'different children suit different schools. DS is happier where he is now'.

You need to harness your inner Pauline Fowler and say sweetly
"Can I ask you something"
and when they say yes you growl
"What's it got to do with you?"

Or (if that;s too polite)

"Not this old chestnut again , wind yer feckin' neck in"

Even if they are, that doesn’t mean they get to foist those opinions on those that don’t share them.

They are rude. Everyone is different and everyone has a right to decide the best school for their child. I’d just say I’m happy with my choice of school the same as you are happy with their choice of school and my choice is the best fit for my child at this stage in their life and leave it at that