Other parents just waiting to say told you so.

[NC2023]

Not sure what looking for. Maybe a good comeback or maybe just some insight/support.

My son was in a state school from nursery to year 2 and we decided to put him into private. We are by no means rich but can manage. Friends and parents of kids in the old school really tried to put us off by saying it’s a huge mistake and we are silly for doing so. I 100% feel it was, and still is the correct decision as the school has been given “requires improvement” in recent ofsted. I wasn’t happy at all with the school and other schools in catchment were no better so private was our decision.

what annoys me is one parent out of either “sheer concern” or most likely jealousy always brings up negatives of private school when we meet. I felt very uncomfortable last time we met as she questioned me what exactly is so different and I told her and her response was “well you could dothat yourself and all kids need in primary is a supportive parent”. She also keeps making a point her husband is very rich but they decided state school is better. I never bring up this topic of conversation but a handful of friends do every time. It’s really uncomfortable. I’m a very shy and introverted person so kind of feel it’s really awkward but others might think it’s just discussion.

I feel a few of them are waiting for DS to fail so they can say “told u so” or waiting for me to say private was a huge mistake and I’m regretting it. Every time I meet these few friends they make it into a discussion topic. I’m quite angry after each meet up.

I should I add,I would probably just stop being friends with people like this entirely unless it was a one off thoughtless comment. Life is too short to come away from time spent with 'friends' feeling rubbish!!

She also keeps making a point her husband is very rich but they decided state school is better. I never bring up this topic of conversation but a handful of friends do every time. It’s really uncomfortable. I’m a very shy and introverted person so kind of feel it’s really awkward but others might think it’s just discussion.

repeat each time

It's great that works for you. How was your weekend?
Im glad its working out for you. What are you doing at the weekend?
It's wonderful that it's working out for you. Whats your thoughts on holidays this year?

its a positive reply, you're not justifying your choices and it can close of the subject with a question that moves away from schooling

I have a similar experience. I've lost friends over schooling choices and one of my best friends bangs on about private schools, (pupils, parents and teachers) being thick, cheating etc.

I think it's just jealousy. I don't know why they don't just own their own, different from mine, choices.

The friend above would be overjoyed if I told her my DC's GCSE grades when it happens as they won't all be 9s, although if they were all 9s, this would prove that the school cheated in some way. I'm hoping not to have the GCSE results conversation when the time comes.

I can imagine if their children go to the same school as the one your child left, you are effectively saying it wasn't good enough and because you are in some way better (richer) you can afford private. I mean do whatever you like with your child/money but I can see why it will get their backs up.

Why not make friends with some private school mums? You can't honestly think you'd keep the same circle of mum friends when you've moved your child to the private school?

We’re all different and we do what we do for our own individual reasons. Unfortunately some people really struggle with that, it’s like they’ve got tunnel vision - “I’d do xxxxx therefore everyone else should do xxxxx too” and if others don’t do xxxxx they take it as a personal insult. It’s odd.

These ‘friends’ are making you feel angry after each meet up, do you want to carry on being friends with them?

We gritted our teeth and never said anything
Pathetic, I know
We still do
I know it’s wrong but I hate confrontation

I regret not saying something
You have to be honest, say it’s hurtful and your choice and you’d rather the subject wasn’t the focus of conversation.

One day hopefully we will.

I completely am against the existence of private schools. They perpetuate the awful class divide in this country and seem to produce some pretty awful traits in some people. However, I would never, ever say this to another parent unless they asked my opinion expressly. So rude.

Try laughing at her and say “my money, my choice” then completely switch to another subject. She sounds like a jealous, unpleasant woman tbh.

You feel that you made the right decision, you have found no reason to change your mind and you stand by that. This is no-one’s business but your own and if your friends can’t help themselves from commenting on it, I think you have to tell them that. And also that if they insist on bringing this up every time you meet, then you will be taking a step back from them. Bottom line - they should mind their own business.

But you just did - no one asked.

Great response 👍 👏

Boneweary, I am not talking about whether its right to keep bringing it up or not, I just think accusing someone of being jealous if they don't like or agree with something is a bit of a stretch, happens all the time on mumsnet

Makes me laugh so many people say "it's jealousy". Such rubbish.

It's a controversial topic, there will always be kick back

You get so much judgment for going private for children. I used to have the same, the mum group of made friends with all got their dc into the top state primary in our area because they are catholic. Our children didn't get a place as they are Hindu.

Mine were offered a horrific school, police often present at pick up/drop off time, council providing taxis for the children of families who were banned from the grounds. Combined with other problems and then adding in that our dc would have been the only non white children in the school, we opted for a local independent.

People were extremely judgmental and made so many comments. I put up with it for so long. Then started replying with really personal, invasive, insensitive questions about them, their husbands and their children. It was really entertaining for a while. They all fell out by the December of reception, I never quite got the full story but it involved the nativity, who got what role and which parents in the audience tried to spoil other's moments of glory!

He is your child and you do as you see fit. Tell them.

I had this a bit when my DS was at private school. Some would even quiz me.

It's just jealousy.

Why should it ‘get their backs up’ if the OP can afford an alternative to a school that has been rated ‘needs improvement’. I agree that it’s not much fun for those who are stuck with it, but that’s no reason to resent those who have worked hard and are able to provide this for their child. The OP has already stated that they’re not rich, so it’s a conscious choice to do their best for their child. A no brainier as far as I can see.

I would reply with ‘ds is happy so we’re happy.’ And leave it at that. If she keeps on about it just go quiet, let her tail off then start a new topic of conversation. Something really light like ‘oh I’ve been rewatching Desperate Housewives and had forgotten how good it was! Anyone else ever watch that?’. I expect the others in the friend group have noticed and likely find it cringeworthy too and would welcome a change on conversation!

Lovely sausage, it depends what you mean by doing the best for your child

I suppose not!I thought it was relevant to the thread though I now realise I could have not said anything. Apologies and a good reminder not to be a hypocrite.

Most people choose the school that suits their child. If they can’t manage that school for whatever reason they go to the next best, then the next, until they find a fit. Unless they think all children are carbon copies and all families have exactly the same resources and restraints surely they get that your children will end up at different places?

It is however NOTHING to do with jealousy. No way would my DC have gone to a private schooleven if we were as rich as Rishi.

I had the same experience when I moved my DC from the state school literally opposite my house to a private school a drive away. My reasons were similar to yours and also as I work for the LA in Education & Inclusion, I had some knowledge about the concerns about the state school she was attending.

A number of parents (one in particular) really tried to put me off and went on and on about how she could also afford it and her reasons to keep her child there. She almost wanted me to justify my reasons. When I see her anywhere she always has to comment ‘here comes Ms Posh’ (honestly the furthest from)

We are in no way ‘rich’ but we manage by being careful and shrewd. The prep my DC goes to is cheaper than the private nursery she used to go to and with extra curricular included! So in that respect far better value for money & time)

However, it was the right decision for my DC and she’s grown in confidence since the move.

I’ve stopped meeting up with the parents as they provide no value or input into my life. I really couldn’t give two hoots what they think and I wish them and their children the best. I wouldn’t comment on their decision to keep their child at the school of their choosing and their views and opinions certainly don’t matter to me.

You made the right decision for your child and that’s that.

If you want to remain friends with them I'd laugh it off in a jokey way. Something along the lines of, 'Oh bore off, do we need to have this conversation every time we meet? I've made the decision I think is best for my kid and that's that'. They are jealous. Some people find it very difficult to accept that just because some one makes a different parenting decision to them doesn't mean you are critising them or looking down on their choices.

I'd probably distance myself in this situation but that's only because I feel that if I'm spending time with friends I want to come away feeling happy not annoyed or angry.

Lots of people choose not to send their children to private school, it does not make them jealous