Other parents just waiting to say told you so.

[NC2023]

Not sure what looking for. Maybe a good comeback or maybe just some insight/support.

My son was in a state school from nursery to year 2 and we decided to put him into private. We are by no means rich but can manage. Friends and parents of kids in the old school really tried to put us off by saying it’s a huge mistake and we are silly for doing so. I 100% feel it was, and still is the correct decision as the school has been given “requires improvement” in recent ofsted. I wasn’t happy at all with the school and other schools in catchment were no better so private was our decision.

what annoys me is one parent out of either “sheer concern” or most likely jealousy always brings up negatives of private school when we meet. I felt very uncomfortable last time we met as she questioned me what exactly is so different and I told her and her response was “well you could dothat yourself and all kids need in primary is a supportive parent”. She also keeps making a point her husband is very rich but they decided state school is better. I never bring up this topic of conversation but a handful of friends do every time. It’s really uncomfortable. I’m a very shy and introverted person so kind of feel it’s really awkward but others might think it’s just discussion.

I feel a few of them are waiting for DS to fail so they can say “told u so” or waiting for me to say private was a huge mistake and I’m regretting it. Every time I meet these few friends they make it into a discussion topic. I’m quite angry after each meet up.

Nephew went to State secondary (SW London)
Detested it.
Was fortunate enough to have a wealthy grandparent to lift him out of a bullying disrupted class to a private one where he is thriving.
He’s lucky.

one parent out of either “sheer concern” or most likely jealousy always brings up negatives of private school

Think of a better reply, avoid 'discussing' the topic with her. Much better to shut it down with a 'we are very happy with our choices' She is clearly to some extend insecure about it, or wouldn't bother continuing to raise it

Lots of good suggestions on how to shut it all down upthread. I particularly like 'we prefer the parent group' :-)

Just say "we all make choices for our children - I wouldn't dream of judging other people's - but in this case DS wasn't thriving, and now he is, so we're happy with our choice."

You don't sound like the kind of person who made this choice in order to show off or feel superior to other people. But perhaps your friends have experienced people who have done similar and been less gracious about it. DS 1 had a little girl in his class who was struggling academically in a big, noisy primary full of high-achieving kids. Her parents took her out for Year 3 to a more gentle, private environment. No judgement at all from other parents. DS 2 had a little classmate whose parents did the same thing at the same age. The mother sent an email to nearly all the mums in the class to 'explain' the decision, along the lines of ' X and I were both privately educated, and we feel we benefited hugely from all the extra-curricular activities and social opportunities, so we've decided to give Penelope the same chance as we feel she will thrive with the sporting and musical activities on offer, and we're not happy with the jobshare teaching'. That one went down like a lead balloon, with its implied criticism of the 'doing its best' school all of ours went to and by extension our wisdom in continuing to send our children there - most of us didn't have a choice. THAT mother was the subject of some mockery for quite a while, and I still avoid her if I see her out - not because she sends her kid to private school, but because she exposed in that email what an unpleasant person she really was, and unfortunately confirmed a few prejudices in doing so.

You don’t have to justify your choice to anyone. If she raises it again, just tell her we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. If she doesn’t give up, I would drop her.

her response was “well you could dothat yourself and all kids need in primary is a supportive parent”.

You could shudder and say, ‘God, I know. Who can be arsed with all that bloody palaver? Far better to outsource it.’

Or just shrug in a vague fashion and say mildly that it seems to be working out quite well and who’s watching Happy Valley?

If this is a constant theme and they are parents from the old school it’s possible the friendship group has moved away from you as they perceive that you’ve left them by leaving the school.

I love people who tell you how rich they are, but that they don't do something. It's usually that many people would do given the chance. Of course, there are some where it is the case but they usually they are comfortable in that decision so they don't have to talk about it all the time.

That means that the reality is this person who is just plainly jealous that you have chosen to do what you do and wants you to change your mind.

I have a similar example. I moved my DC from one private school to another. The new one is much better in every way, and much more expensive meaning it was hard for a particular set of parents I know to replicate. I got told numerous times not to do make the change because "they" would never make that journey (it's 15 mins) and "they" felt "their" child would be unhappy there because it was different to where I was moving from. I told them every minute travelling was worth every penny and that their child was not mine.

I’d just stop meeting up with them. If you really have to, ‘DS is thriving and we’re all very happy with the school’. On repeat, word for word, every single time it gets brought up.

My brother and SIL did this to us and even to my sons faces.
Loudly at parties so we could hear and everyone else

Its jealousy
Its no one’s business how you wish to spend your money, no one ever comments on people buying expensive clothes, holidays etc. why do people think they can do so on your choice of school.
I lost a lot of friends over our choice, clearly they were not true friends.

Don’t engage,

These people are not your friends.

Friends don't want people to fail.

They are people you used to have something in common with, and now you don't.

So stop seeing them.

They’re not friends, they upset you and are mean spirited. Ditch them,find better pals

I would just say ‘well we’re pleased with our decision’ then smile, raise your eyebrows, take a sip of your drink and say no more. They’re trying to goad you in to a debate about the pros and cons of private education, but just don’t entertain it.

Are they waiting to say that? Have they told you that they are? If not then you are just making assumptions. Unless you can mind-read. In which case don't give THAT curse to me!

What do you say?"I know what you mean - it works for us for now1 Who knows what the future holds...more tea?"

Say ‘you do you’

If you really oppose a friends personal or political views, then limiting contact is best. What isn’t acceptable is to keep bringing something like this up.

If someone said to me they didn’t agree with private schools, fine, but that’s different to watching and waiting for a child to be unhappy.

Pure jealousy I'm afraid. Private schools bring out the worst in many people. Move on, they're not your friends.

Op, just reply something like - well as you’re never likely to send your DC to private school I don’t know why we’re having this conversation. But it’s been nice seeing you anyway.

You need to stop meeting with them. Does being with them bring anything positive to your life?

The thing is, plenty of people are horrified by ANY decision you make that differs from theirs. Try living in a city centre while they live in the suburbs, living in a flat while they live in a house. You see it quite often on here - someone will come on to say that they want to buy a flat in central London and at least a couple of posters will respond with links to large houses in the Home Counties.

The only way I’ve found to make it stop is to say “Do you know that you mention this every time I see you?”. Then say nothing.

I have the same situation in reverse - my DD used to go to the same nursery as my friend’s DS, but she wasn’t happy with it and pulled her DS out. Then she kept telling me how much better the new nursery was etc etc and it got really old.

One day I jokingly said I think we’d have to agree to disagree on nurseries as we were clearly looking for different things. Thankfully that worked and she doesn’t do it anymore!

Just be polite and say that you've made your decision regarding school in the same way they have and just because it's a different decision, doesn't make it wrong.

If that doesn't work and they carry on, then be a bit more blunt that your parenting choices don't affect them in any way whatsoever so what is their problem and need to comment...

Next time this comes up, just shut the conversation down.
“We’ve had this conversation several times, after careful consideration we decided that is the best choice for our child. I don’t question you on your choices so why does it bother you so much?

I don't agree with private schooling but I keep my opinions to myself with friends who do use them.

These people are rude to keep bringing it up with you.

OP, just give your ‘friends’ the nuclear option. Tell them you’ve chosen what you think is a better education system for your child. You can afford it and your DC deserves the best. You’re happy with that and don’t need to mention it so why do they always bring it up? For good measure, tell them you can’t believe people don’t put their children into independent education when they have the money to. I’d tell them they are cluttering up the struggling state system and clearly don’t prioritise their children. (I don’t think this by the way, but hey you could have some fun with this).

I wouldn’t bother being polite as your ‘friends’ clearly don’t give a fig for your feelings.

At that point the friendship will probably be over but I don’t think this is much of a loss.

I would also find this so awkward and draining. I have no idea why everyone has to share their opinions on other peoples business all the time 🙄
If I was keen to avoid a confrontation then I would probably start small with just stuff like "oh well" and changing the subject and work my way up from there. Next few times stuff like, "ah well we're quite happy with it but I know it's not for everyone" and "everyone's situation is different, we're doing what we think it best for us as a family". Then more direct if they keep bringing it up despite all these previous comments and not engaging.
Something like "I don't know if it's worth us talking about this anymore really, we're obviously not on the same page, which is fine, but what's the point?"
And "do you think we should just avoid this topic in general? It's getting a bit awkward, we clearly don't see eye to eye". Then eventually just "please stop bringing this up, it's making me uncomfortable and there's really nothing new to say on the topic at this stage".
Or just start with the direct 😂 I thought I would just give some ideas what you could see before going right in there though