AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

Yep. Wonder if his partner knows. You are vulnerable, and he knows it

Sorry, I agree with your colleagues. Best to keep things strictly professional.

It would be totally normal at my work for a group of colleagues to go out for a drink after work. But one on one drinks might raise a few eyebrows.

I have actually asked him to ask her first. So I am assuming she does know.

But I am not vulnerable?

I am happily single. I don't have time for drama, I don't have time for the does he/ she thought dance.

I think you've been perfectly reasonable OP.

1-1 drinks with your boss =

I think you know this.

@MrsSkylerWhite I am leaving my job soon, though, so it's not like him being my boss would be an issue for long.

Why have you asked him to ask her? You would only do that if you thought people might misconstrue you meeting up.

It’s not a good look. You will cause jealousy amongst your peers. And your boss shouldn’t agree as it puts them in what could look like a compromising situation. Maybe focus on developing friendships outside of the work place?

It would have been better to have arranged it as a team and lunch rather than after work if 1:1.

I (single) have male colleagues (married) that I would meet after work but they are the same level as me.

I think you've upset the team dynamics - you and the boss, rather than all of you - especially as he's not in the habit of doing this.

He is your boss, not your friend.

Team socialising is fine, but I would not go for a drink 1:1 with a team member outside of when we were travelling together on business.

One on one is inappropriate in my opinion. I am part of a team that socialises a lot and no one would do this apart from maybe a coffee after a two person site visit during working hours.

Sounds ok to me, especially if you’re planning on leaving your job anyway.

I used to work somewhere well known for affairs and sexual harassment. I never experienced either.
invariably the women who experienced sexual harassment were younger, well meaning women who would meet up with older married men and then be surprised or offended when one of these men got the wrong idea and hit on them.
believe me, this older more experienced man isn’t bowled over by your novel insights in a field he has worked in for years, he doesn’t feel he has lots in common with you. He is just flattered you want to go to the pub with him.
by all means go for a drink with him, but please don’t be surprised in a weeks time when his hand slips onto your knee. And when he goes in for a snog don’t go to HR and complain that he “totally misread the situation”

Have you previously asked any of your other colleagues out for drinks?

He’s your manager not your friend. You can’t be both.

It’s not IMO unreasonable to go out for a drink with someone of the opposite sex, and it doesn’t mean that you have designs on him etc.

But because of the working relationship you have he is the one who should maintain the boundaries and should have said no.

I think it is quite an odd thing to do, I agree with your colleagues.

I don’t go out with the guys at work 1-1. It’s to protect me and them. I’ve had a couple of the guys try it on with me and I don’t date married men or those I work with.

It’s tough but watch your reputation. I’m now the most senior female in my division. How I interact with others matters.

Politeness, really. I know what people can be like and the last time, a very long time ago, I asked a male, married colleague out socially (while I was married, too) I know his wife raised an eyebrow. We actually got together with both our partners soon after that and socialised as couples, but that wouldn't have happened if he and I hadn't first established whether we got on outside of work.

No one raised an eyebrow when I went out dancing with my female colleague (who is also attached).

We've crossposted. Asking your boss to ask his partner if it's OK is weird. Why wouldnt you just assume it was (he would decline if it wasnt). And it's not up to you to dictate how they manage their relationship! And as PP says you're concerned it might be misconstrued so you clearly are aware that it potentially could be.

Back to the team dynamics, as you're leaving you should have arranged meeting up after you left.

Do some back peddling and suggest a team lunch to wish you farewell. Save the 1:1 til later.

Firefin · Today 11:33
@MrsSkylerWhite I am leaving my job soon, though, so it's not like him being my boss would be an issue for long.“

In which case, wait until you have left then invite him and his partner for drinks.

I became very good friends with my boss and we used to go out regularly. We are both women, she is gay with a wife.

Is that wrong too ?

Yes, both male and female, single and attached. I went out 1:1 to dinner with one male colleague while I was still married. Strictly platonic, again.

Sounds perfectly normal for me. If you'd do the same with a female boss then a platonic male boss is no different. It's not about bei g friends (although that is also permitted between work colleagues) it's about work decompressing.

“No one raised an eyebrow when I went out dancing with my female colleague (who is also attached).“

of course they didn’t, assuming you’re both straight. Completely different dynamic - as you know.