AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

Did you start a thread on mumsnet and write post after post after post about it? After having asked him to ask his partner for permission and then repeatedly returning to his marital status when discussing it at length?

Or did you just pop out for a drink with a colleague and not think much more about it?

That’s the difference surely.

Nevermind sex and affairs, the whole 'Paul and I are going out for drinks ' isn't inclusive at all. I can see why your colleagues would feel unfairly treated.

I don't believe your faux innocence OP. This is a tale as old as time.

I think you put your boss in an awkward position by asking in the first place. I know you are leaving but it leaves it open for boss to give you preferential treatment if you build up a friendship out of the office.

After having asked him to ask his partner for permission and then repeatedly returning to his marital status when discussing it at length?

Plus why did she need to suggest he asks his partner? He's a big boy in a long term relationship.I'm sure he doesn't need a woman 20 years his junior saying "ooh you better check your wife is ok with us going for drinks (head tilt)" 🙄

Then on Mumsnet it's all aren't my colleagues silly. I don't understand the problem at all. Why would anyone think anything was untoward that a older male boss who never socialises has made an exception for me: a younger female single employee

The whole thing sounds like someone who loves the drama.

Yes! A Saturday! The horror! Especially as - hold on to your seats - he has to get a cab here because we live a fair few miles apart!

And no, @MissTrip82, my energy is invested in upholding my (mumsnet user) name. One of them, at least.

Honestly, the accusations that have been flying here are something else. And it's a shame some of them come from users I normally rub along well with in other threads.

So poor OP can't go out 1 on 1 with anyone in a relationship but I'm OK to go our with any other woman as I'm straight. That doesn't sit right with me. In any case I have been out 1 on 1 with men in relationships. Not my boss but I guess open to the same misinterpretation. I have no plans on stopping!

It's already been covered that a married bi /lesbian female boss might also raise some eyebrows at work (because this is the scenario we are talking about, not people who met at book group or pilates). If her boss were a gay man then obviously nobody would think anything is going to happen. It is not that hard.

How does anyone else know you're going out for drinks?

Excellent dinosaur and excellent point. This thread has been really eye opening. I've always loved intergenerational friendships and have lots of a male friends. Didn't realise some of this stuff was so gossip inspiring/ frowned upon. Riveting stuff.

Very strange that you cannot identify the potential issues with such a situation. Do you generally misread social cues OP?

He's not coming to your house for drinks is he?

Your attitude is deeply unpleasant and your faux naivete is something else. Go enjoy your drinks with someone else's life partner. And maybe stop asking for advice and opinions if you're just going to be stubborn and antagonistic the whole way.

Best wishes...

Cause she told them

@GoodChat Don't be daft, of course not.

@KiwiMum2023 I have said I'm ND. I have also said that I needed to understand the issues my colleagues had. Which I now see, even if I disagree, but from the posts I've read here it's very clear some people will accuse me and him of wanting to start an affair and me wanting to sleep my way up the ladder regardless of all the facts.

@oviraptor21 You have made my point quite succinctly. Thank you.

She told them

It came up in conversation. It's not like I ran around with a massive sign hanging from my neck.

I started a new job last year, I am 52 and ended up sitting next to a very nice 55 year old married man that I got along with very well. Now actually I could do with having a few more friends, but I honestly would not have suggested to my male colleague that we should go out for drinks, just the two of us. I certainly wouldn’t suggest the two of us go out on a Saturday night and we start the evening by him taking a taxi to my house. Because it could be misconstrued and I would think he would certainly be wondering if this was a date.

OP seems to have a habit of picking off married men and inviting them on 1 on 1 drinks with her and to add to that inappropriateness, including her boss. What is most annoying about her is her false naivety. As I said earlier, she seems toxic and a trouble maker.

I think you are lucky to have a boss that is so nice you want to socialize with him. I have only had one or maybe two bosses like that. I am still very good friends with one and the other I have lost touch with a little.

How did your colleagues know the details of your situation ? I would be less open going forward. People think what they think and they judge you based on a range of stuff.

It came up in conversation. It's not like I ran around with a massive sign hanging from my neck.
It didn't.
They asked if you were attending an event on Saturday night and your response was that you weren't and that you were having drinks with your boss that night.

Nobody actually asked. It didn't come up in conversation.

This thread has been really eye opening. I've always loved intergenerational friendships and have lots of a male friends. Didn't realise some of this stuff was so gossip inspiring/ frowned upon. Riveting stuff.
People socialising with folk of the opposite sex isn't that unusual, nor is it that unusual for people to socialise with colleagues who are in relationships.
As a married woman myself, I'd be a bit stuck if nobody was willing to be friendly with me because I have a wedding ring.

The OP's situation is nothing like most of the "but I go for drinks with my boss/someone older/someone in a relationship" because the boss himself doesn't socialise with colleagues.

So in the OP's situation:

• older, male, boss who is in a long term relationship
• who never socialises with colleagues and turns down invitations and by the OP's own admission is a bit aloof and doesn't mingle socially
• decides the sudden exception to his long standing approach to colleagues is a single, female, more junior employee who is 20 years younger who has invited him for 1-1 drinks.

And we have an OP who claims they find it hard to make friends, but happens to have a track record of inviting married colleagues/colleagues in long term relationships for drinks, has suggested a man 20 years her senior checks with his wife before going for drinks, and then thinks we're all both yesterday and will buy the but I have no idea why anyone would think this would be an issue act.

*They asked if you were attending an event on Saturday night and your response was that you weren't and that you were having drinks with your boss that night.

Nobody actually asked. It didn't come up in conversation.*

I see no difference between that and saying I'm out of town that day because I'm taking the kids to Wales. It's just conversation, and you really cannot tell me that not saying this would have been better than colleagues by some freak chance finding out afterwards, thinking we'd kept it a secret.

As for @Aprilx OP seems to have a habit of picking off married men and inviting them on 1 on 1 drinks with her and to add to that inappropriateness, including her boss.

Let me correct that for you: The OP seems to have a habit of picking off people (whether in relationships or not) of any sex inviting them on 1 on 1 drinks with her, including her boss(es).

This post is fucking horrendous and victim blames! You should be ashamed with yourself!

Anyone else feel a bit creeped-out by all this emphasis on selecting people to invite for 1-2-1 time, to get to know on a deeper level, to establish if there’s a connection blah blah.

Just feels a bit off, outwith all the other stuff which is inappropriate to do with professional and personal boundaries. It feels a bit Single White Female 😬.

I'm not really sure how my questions daft when you're saying he has to get a taxi to you...

Anyone else feel a bit creeped-out by all this emphasis on selecting people to invite for 1-2-1 time, to get to know on a deeper level, to establish if there’s a connection blah blah.

I don't like group gatherings and I hate small talk. Shoot me ¯\(ツ)/¯