AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

Drinks with an opposite sex colleague - fine

Drinks with an opposite sex colleague who is in a relationship - fine

Drinks with your manager, regardless of sex - potentially blurring boundaries and risking conflict at work but theoretically fine

Younger single female employee going for drinks with their married, opposite sex boss, and he is 20 years older - at best it's foolish

Younger single female employee going for drinks with their married, opposite sex boss, and he is 20 years older, who also suggests he checks with his wife that his wife is ok with him having drinks with a woman pushing half his age, who also apparently doesn't understand why her colleagues might be raising an eyebrow at the behaviour - disingenuous and probably looking for a bit of attention and a bit of an ego boost.

I was going to say I was out for drinks with my boss last night, but we were part of a group.

I was going to say, I can't really imagine going out 1:1 with him, even though I can't imagine shagging him (and I have slept with more than one colleague in the past.) But I am about to leave my job, and I can imagine meeting him for a catch up drink, to request a reference or to ask about job hunting or similar.

But I can also see that colleagues would question it, and if I were going to be staying there, I probably would suggest something else, becauseit would be easier - lunch rather than dinner, maybe. OTOH, the colleagues I have met for a shag in the past, no one else knows about, because we wanted to avoid all the gossip, so I assume if people are being open about it, there is nothing illicit going on. And it is definitely possible to have 1:1 drinks without anything happening.

But if you're leaving soon, who cares?

Urgh. He's not married, I said that in the OP, not that it matters in the slightest, because I would not go there, he is happy with his partner, I am not attracted to him and I'm not exactly pretty, so zero attraction there.

There's also a much smaller age gap than people make out. He is 50, I am very late 30s, so just over 10 years, not 20. For context, the person who comes closest to being my "best friend" is mid-60s. Age has never played a role in my friendships.

And the fact he is my boss really shouldn't matter. I do what he says at work, but we had finished the last piece of official paperwork regarding my performance before I asked him; there is zero reason for anyone to think "sucking up" would even achieve anything now since I am leaving.

Lots of people are telling you why but you’re not listening.

So how much of an ongoing friendship do you imagine you will be striking up with these drinks with your boss if you are soon leaving?

I am listening. I am not agreeing when I get accused of wanting to shag him, or that him being older somehow skews the dynamic.

Him being your boss skews the dynamic.

Would I be happy with my 50+ husband going out for 121 drinks with his 30ish female subordinate.

Ermm. Nope

You must know this is over stepping boundaries. A group yes, but 121 no

And the fact he is my boss really shouldn't matter.

It absolutely does matter. He is a position of power and influence. Why do you think relationships between superiors/subordinated and students/professors are against ethics codes?

You came here asking how your colleagues might view it. We explained to you how and why. Yer here you are arguing that their view is silly and wrong.

How you see things and what the actual social standard is are different things. You either don't give a damn and accept they will judge or you accept that this behaviour goes against social norms and act accordingly.

Worst case scenario, we don't have that much to talk about after all, we remain friendly and go our separate ways, bar the odd "how are you" message.

Best case, we'll keep meeting up and develop a reasonable friendship. I have no issues including his partner, but I'd like to get to know him properly first. I can only deal with one new person at a time and get very shy around new people at first.

Who knows, maybe I'll find myself a lovely wife and we all meet up as couples in the future and become godparents to each other's children (exaggerating, of course). But it's got to start somewhere.

Reality will likely end up somewhere in between.

And the fact he is my boss really shouldn't matter

Oh grow up.

We are not saying you want to sleep with him. We are saying that's what it might look like from the outside. And that it is understandable.

‘’’Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based’’’

you said this at first then later on in the thread said you have hosted people at your house etc… So you do have friends??

I think the fact you are wondering if it’s right, and the whole getting him to ask his OH (weird) it sounds like a game to me.

Help me understand this, I am ND and really don't have a clue why it is not normal.

But multiple posters have explained and you keep stubbornly rebutting their responses. So it seems you have no desire to understand, or understand but feel entitled to go against social norms.

Woman in late 40s - Hi friend, I just found out my partner has been having an affair with a woman he met at work! They've been meeting up for drinks and meals for months since she left the job but he told me they were just friends.

Friend - 🤨

There is a reason why most affairs are carried out on work trips/working late/etc. It's because you cannot go on dates in plain sight without 9/10 people being suspicious.

you said this at first then later on in the thread said you have hosted people at your house etc… So you do have friends??

No, it's not the same. I have hosted my colleagues at my house for food and drinks before, as have they. It still doesn't make us friends, just friendly acquaintances.

The colleague I went out dancing with crashed at my place that night.

That still doesn't make them friends in my eyes. Is it a cultural thing? I wasn't born in the UK, so perhaps that's why I view it differently?

But why does it matter what it looks like to other people? As long as OP and the man know the deal and respect the boundaries then why not?

The only issue that I can see is if it affects how he treats you at work but since you're leaving soon it doesn't really matter.

Urgh. He's not married, I said that in the OP, not that it matters in the slightest, because I would not go there, he is happy with his partner, I am not attracted to him and I'm not exactly pretty, so zero attraction there.
My mistake, long term relationship but not married.

Either way it doesn't matter.

He is your boss
He is in a long term relationship
He is much older than you
Your colleagues have raised an eyebrow
Plenty of people here are raising an eyebrow

But you still keep arguing with what seems to be fake innocence that none of this matters and you don't understand why there'd be a problem.

So why did you ask him out for drinks? Why him in particular, why not invite everyone out? It is odd.

It's a personality thing for me. I'm very introverted and while I can function in social settings with several people in short bursts, I much prefer one on one encounters. It stops me from getting overwhelmed, I can fully concentrate on that person and it enables me to find out more about them much better than a group setting.

OP, I have been in this position previously, similar age gap and also my boss. He was also in a long term relationship and I was freely single. There was zero sexual attraction.

I see absolutely no issue, I have male and female friends who range between being younger and +20 years older than me - I go out with some as groups but regularly meet them including my ex-boss 1:1. (He’s my ex-boss now as I moved onto a new role and progressed and he had zero influence as it’s a totally different field)

BUT I also had colleagues who had an issue with it, I just didn’t care to take notice - I actually find it quite offensive that people can’t think that male and females can’t co-habit the same space in a platonic way.

I am now happily engaged and would still consider my ex-boss a friend.

Also, about asking his partner, that’s clearly his relationship dynamic. Whether male or female if I was going out for a drink I’d tell my fiancé (not ask) and your boss has every right to decline the invite on the back of that conversation but that’s his prerogative - you’re both adults.

I think YANBU. I go out for drinks or a meal 1:1 with my boss several times a year. He has been my manager for 7 years. Never had an issue. No one has commented about it to me, if they did then I'd tell them it's none of their business.

This faux-naïveté is a little wearing, OP.

Its generally not thought appropriate for a single woman to ask out:

a) an attached male
b) for dinner/drinks in the evening
c) when that attached man is also her boss

If this were a networking/mentoring relationship you're trying to establish, that's a perfect reason for coffee/lunch. Dinner and drinks, not so much. At the very least there is potential for putting yourself in a compromising position, professionally and personally.

121 dinners and drinks with unattached peers - ok, but honestly I'd find it a bit odd to socialize 121 with an attached peer of the opposite sex, in the evening. For whatever reason, lunch/coffee is fine.

I actually find it quite offensive that people can’t think that male and females can’t co-habit the same space in a platonic way.

Have many people said men and women can't be friends?

The OP has also said that her boss doesn't attend group social events because he's a bit aloof and does his own thing, and that the boss doesn't normally socialise with colleagues.

It's not rocket science to work out why colleagues might be raising an eyebrow that a younger single, female employee invites her substantially older, male, boss in a long term relationship out for drinks.