AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

Wtf, how did that not translate into a shrug emoji. How do people do that on here; I can't find one in the list.

@GoodChat Because I wouldn't invite him over to my house at night on his own, it's that simple. But it's also quite obvious most colleagues in any work place don't live in the same towns, or close in the same city.

Lots of people live in relatively close distance and platonic friends would meet somewhere in the middle, generally.

You say you wouldn't invite someone to your house for drinks but lots of your boundaries are clearly pretty skewed so that's not obvious to me.

@oviraptor21 You have made my point quite succinctly. Thank you.

How? You have myriad options to go out on Saturday night drinks with, where there is no possibility of one of the two of you misinterpreting in a way which leads to infidelity. Straight women. Anyone single. Gay men. Just not the absolute thumping cliché of your older not-single male boss who is making an exception to socialise with you because you're evidently just that interesting.

God his partner either doesn't know about this plan or is an absolute doormat. No way would I tell my partner "sure honey, take Saturday night to have drinks with random single younger thirsty lady"

Yes! A Saturday! The horror! Especially as - hold on to your seats - he has to get a cab here because we live a fair few miles apart!

Do you really think he's going to go home and tell his wife he's taking a taxi to a younger, single, female colleagues' house to go out for drinks with her?

Why have people interpreted it as he's coming to my house? He's coming to my town. The pubs in which are nowhere near where I live.

Because you said "he has to get a cab here" which implies he's coming to your home.

If he was getting a cab to the pub, why didn't you say "He's getting a cab into the town centre and we'll meet at X"?

I go for one on one drinks with my married boss all the time. It's fine!

Oh god and then there are posters saying I give waaayyy too much thought because I give waaayyyyy to many details. And would probably still find fault he's coming here and that we're not meeting in the middle of nowhere exactly halfway between our two towns.

I can't win!

Well yes - different posters will have different opinions!

I had lunch/coffee with my old boss a few times when we worked together - we were both in relationships - but it was during the work day and it was mostly work-related chat. If we did go out in the evening, it was in a big group of at least 4-5 other people - never alone.

If he'd asked me out for 1-2-1 drinks on a Saturday night, I'd be thinking he was after something more than friendship and if I'd agreed to go, people would definitely raise eyebrows.

But you're clearly happy to go so why does it matter why everyone else thinks the way they do?

This faux-naïveté is utterly cringe. 🥴

I’m out!

Mostly feel a bit embarrassed on behalf of op and that she could do with learning a better way to make proper friends. It's all a bit thirsty.

No middle-aged man would take a taxi to another town to have a drink on a Saturday night with a younger woman subordinate from his work if he didn't think he had a chance with her. I find this thread so hard to stomach.

If you wanted to have a drink after work, that would be one thing. Making it into a date - on a traditional date night! - is just bizarre, especially given he has a long-term partner. Words just fail me.

All they but whyyyyyyy do people think it's odd......whwyyyyyyyyy? It isn't. Whyyyy? No, it isn't. Over an over.

Nobody can be this obtuse.

Nobody can be this obtuse
But they can.
See also the "I'm not like the other women" women and the women who claim "I don't get on with women. Women are so bitchy/dramatic/high maintenance, so I can't help only being friends with men".

Both those type of women also claim that they have "no idea" why fellow women are a bit 🙄 about them and seem desperately keen to point out how hard it is that their male friends' girlfriends don't like them. The girlfriends/wives are always jealous/possessive/insecure. It never occurs to them that the reason they don't make female friends is because other women spot the dramatic, attention seeking shit a mile off.

Meanwhile in the rest of woman world there's loads of women with a range of interests and personalities, and we manage to have mixed sex friendships, including friendships with other people in relationships without anyone batting an eyelid. Nobody bats an eyelid because we're just boring old, non-attention seeking women having plain old boring friendships with lots of people without any drama.

Love the condescending tone in that post, Lola.

Has it occurred to you that I don't have trouble making friends as such, but that moving around has meant many just fizzled out? It's a common issue.

Are you still adamant that it's only men I ask on nights out, when I have repeatedly stated that I don't discriminate by sex?

Has it escaped you despite running wild with other minute details in your head that I literally said I didn't want a relationship right now because I don't have head space for drama? But sure, turn it all around to make me look unhinged.

Though I have to agree I'm anything but boring. Maybe that brings out insecurities in others. 🤷‍♀️

Ladies, thanks for all the insights. I've gained from this thread what I could, but I don't need my character assassinated by strangers.

Firefin
Has it escaped you despite running wild with other minute details in your head that I literally said I didn't want a relationship right now because I don't have head space for drama? But sure, turn it all around to make me look unhinged.
I haven't said you only invite men out, nor that you want a relationship.I've also not made you look unhinged.

I simply don't buy your faux naïve act that you can't see why colleagues would raise an eyebrow that a male boss who doesn't socialise with colleagues makes the exception for a single female employee who is 20 years younger than him and one of his

I've seen lots of people have mixed sex friendships in the workplace, including where people are married/in relationships. Nobody bats an eyelid unless one or both of the parties start behaving in a way that is out of character.

In your case your boss is behaving out of character and either you're too invested in peddling the pretend clueless act to realise, or you know exactly why people have raised an eyebrow but enjoy the drama and the idea of being special.

I don't have head space for drama

That's a bit rich 😂

I don’t see this as any different to arranging to go for a drink with a colleague you’re friendly with at any level. I’ve been good friends with my boss in several jobs.

I dont think going is a problem. My husband and I meet opposite sex friends and colleagues 1:1, that's not a problem.

But I do think you need to widen your social circle as asking a boss for drinks isnt the done thing. As you can see from your colleagues reaction.

So not something to do again in a future role. learn from it.

I think it’s a bit unprofessional personally. Sorry

But I do think you need to widen your social circle as asking a boss for drinks isnt the done thing.

Yes, and it's part of widening said circle. Maybe I should have been clear that I do not solely look for friends at work; I have made 2 new contacts last year, one of whom is becoming a great friend, though she lives a few hours from me and works intense hours and days, too, so we barely ever get a chance to call, let alone meet.

My role will change with my new job and I will be in charge of a lot of people in that environment. I'm middle management now (and that is, perhaps, blurring boundaries?), so it will be interesting to see the social obligations from the other side.

We're going out this weekend. He has confirmed today.

Maybe it is unprofessional, but I only have to be unprofessional for another few weeks until I'm done. In the meantime, I am considering a work swear jar. Mention work and you have to buy the next round.

God, I think we both need it; it's been a tough few weeks lately. We both seem to have few friends. I'll keep you updated.

What an odd thread. So you didn't go out with your boss as you said you were going to 2-3 weeks ago - despite your coworkers and everyone on this thread saying it was weird/unwise? Or did you arrange in late January to go out this weekend?

The conversation went something like: "Oh, you live in this town, there is this event on Saturday x date, are you planning on going?" and I responded with "Ah, no, I'd have loved to go, but that's the day Paul and I are going out for drinks".

milkyaqua
I think the OP is seeking a pat on the back or some additional shock factor so she can restart the "who me? I have no idea why anyone would raise an eyebrow' pretence.

By Sunday we'll probably have another update that's about how brilliant it was and they clicked instantly,get each other so well and that's why it was totally surprising that any of the colleagues could be so uptight.

Actually, we had a lovely evening out. Great chat, lots of laughs. Agreed we'll repeat this at some point in the near future.

And it's all back to professional today, as it was always going to be. Because, as adults, that's what you do. And funnily enough, everyone around us is fine today, too.

Yes, we arranged a long time ago to meet this weekend. As I said, mostly to accommodate childcare on my part and arrangements with his other half on his part.