AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

As part of a group, okay.

One to one, absolutely not. Even if he wasn't already attached, it's not a good idea.

I am NOT straight, though, that's my point, and I don't think she is, either. My team are well aware that I happily date both men and women.

Why is one wrong and the other not?

Massively unprofessional if socialising after work is not something that is part of the culture at your job. There's a fine line between grabbing drinks as friends vs a date.

I would question your motives and I would think it reflects badly on you.

Sorry...

Then I don’t see the problem with this. Asking him to check with his wife was a bit odd, but not something I could get worked up about.

My colleagues (including our boss and the people I manage) socialise together - en masse or 121 - a lot. This has been the case everywhere I’ve worked. It’s never occurred to anyone to question it. Do you live/work somewhere particularly regressive?

My colleague was about to go out for a drink with her boss the other night. I'm a bit boggled to see that some people think that's inappropriate - and they're both women!

Thank goodness I was around to ask too and the three of us went.

In general, it is a big part of the culture of my job, though.

I have hosted gatherings of my closest colleagues in my home, they have done the same. I have gone out 1:1 with people, and they are doing the same across the organisation. It's just that my boss can be a bit aloof and often just do his own thing rather than attend those evenings.

Our own team dynamics have changed a bit over the last 2 years or so, so there's only 4 of us now who have known each other a while. One of those is the guy I had dinner and on another occasion drinks with (we're still friendly but just don't have enough in common for a friendship which would last beyond me leaving work), another a colleague who has a big enough ego to definitely misconstrue it if he was asked out, the other is my boss.

I would question your motives and I would think it reflects badly on you

What motives, though? Why would it reflect badly? Help me understand this, I am ND and really don't have a clue why it is not normal.

So you're hoping to shag him then?

I am NOT straight, though, that's my point, and I don't think she is, either. My team are well aware that I happily date both men and women.

Why is one wrong and the other not“

Was she your boss? Was she in a ltr?

If you are happy for your colleagues, your friends and potentially your boss to think you want to shag him, just carry on.

You are not going to change the way other people view this, so either change your behaviour or accept that other people will see it how they see it.

She was married. OP said that in the initial comment.

How the hell did you leap from me saying I'm leaving to that?

As I said, I don't piss on other people's relationships.

What motives, though? Why would it reflect badly? Help me understand this, I am ND and really don't have a clue why it is not normal.

Come on.

What motives, though? Why would it reflect badly? Help me understand this, I am ND and really don't have a clue why it is not normal.

I was trying not to be too rude, but since you asked... it makes it look like you are either trying to suck up to him to gain some favours or you are trying to seduce him

Yes it’s fine. The comments on here are bizarre. Have a nice evening.

OP, what are you trying to achieve with this thread? Some people are aghast at the very idea of 121 drinks with a man, much less a colleague, much less a married male colleague, much less your boss. Lots of people think it’s fine.

I understand wanting an opinion poll, but I don’t get why you’re arguing with the people who think YABU. You’ve asked for their opinions and they’ve told you! And I say this as someone who thinks YANBU.

spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term

As someone who has moved around different countries and different cultures a lot, you have my sympathies. It is simply next level more difficult to make and maintain friendships throughout life.

Again, though, I'm sure you already know that if you want to integrate into the culture of a new place, especially one where you plan to stay for a while, arranging group events is likely to be much more successful than 121 encounters.

121 arrangements with the boss are likely to be misconstrued. Other people will avoid becoming friends with you because of the complications and eventual possible fallout.

Not sure it's such a great idea. If you want to get to know the boss as a friend, by all means wait til you have left before arranging 121, then you will not alienate your coworkers meanwhile.

OP, what are you trying to achieve with this thread?

I'm trying to understand my colleagues' weird reactions when it was mentioned. I'm not going to start an argument at work over it, tough, so I won't probe too much there, but since mumsnet is made out of a variety of people I wanted to get into the real reasons here.

Looks way too much like trying to shag your boss tbh, I’d cancel drinks and not arrange to meet up even when you leave.

I dunno, I married my boss. He has been promoted and transferred to a different post since.

I often go for breakfast with my current boss. I'm married, he's got a long term girlfriend. We chat about our lives.

We are in a professional setting.

A agree with your colleagues too, it just doesn't look great.

I guess they see it as sucking up but personally I think its fine. I've made some great friends through work.

Firefin · Today 12:11
OP, what are you trying to achieve with this thread?

I'm trying to understand my colleagues' weird reactions when it was mentioned. I'm not going to start an argument at work over it, tough, so I won't probe too much there, but since mumsnet is made out of a variety of people I wanted to get into the real reasons here”

As your colleagues, plural, share the same view, perhaps your view is the “weird” one?

its generally frowned upon for a single woman to ask an attached man out for a social evening (or vice versa). You may not understand it but that’s the way it is.

What a joke, what do you think he's going to say to his wife? Oh darling are you ok with me going out for the evening one on one with a single woman from work who is nearly half my age?

I'm sure his wife would be over the moon.

Why don't you invite her along too if it's really all above board?

Yes you are, as is your Boss for saying yes. If you want to make friends you should have invited the whole team.

Do you plan for this to be a regular thing? Do you think his partner would be happy with that? I wouldn't be happy if one of DP's staff invited him out for one to one drinks, I'd think there's an ulterior motive there. DP wouldn't like it if I did the same.