AIBU to have asked my boss out for drinks?

[Firefin]

My colleagues seem to think so.

Context: I don't have a lot of friends because I have spent many years of my adult life moving from one place to the next, but I have finally settled down in a place for the longer term. In fact, the 2-3 friends I do have live abroad or are mainly online-based. I work stupid hours and I am a single mum, so don't have a lot of time for socialising and my main social lifeline are the people I work with.

While I have been at my workplace for a few years now, my boss and I have spent a lot of time workling reasonably closely together over the last year or so, and, as is natural, have started chatting a little more about non work related things. We get on well. Things have been very stressful at work recently and we're both a bit dragged down by it all, so I have asked him out for drinks one evening, to which he agreed, and we have now made firm plans for this.

Now, here's where my colleagues have a problem: not only does it seem to be wrong in their eyes that we meet up socially at all, but I am apparently all the more unreasonable because the man is in a very long-term relationship (way more than a decade, though not married).

I literally have zero interest in him in that regard; I don't piss on relationships and would actually lose a lot of respect for him if he tried anything on. I have made it very clear that I am only after a platonic relationship and there has never been an indication that he saw me in any way differently.

My issue is, this disapproval seems to solely come down to the fact that he is an attached 50-y.o. male and I am a (younger - late 30s) female. True, he doesn't normally socialise with colleagues. But I am bisexual, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to socialise with anyone, ever.

So, AIBU to have asked him out for drinks?

Mumsnet is so weird. I got a few drinks with my married male boss a couple of weeks ago one on one. Totally fine

The poll gives a 59/41 split. Interesting to see this.

I have read everyone's views and it does help me understand my colleagues' reactions, even if I won't agree with them. I'm glad it's not as much of an outlier as it's been made out to be on here by many, though.

Thanks all.

I don't piss on other people's relationships

This makes me think you're only "not interested" because he's attached, surely your answer would be "no I don't fancy him" rather than you don't piss on relationships? To the outside world it looks like you are interested in him. I would personally think its odd going out for a drink with your boss unless in a group. I get on so well with my boss and we are more like friends, but I'd never invite him out for a drink alone, that would feel like I'm saying I want more from him (in my opinion).

I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at this but then I went out drinking with one of my senior male stakeholders before Christmas just the two of us, both married and had a lovely time getting to know him as a person outside of work.

No, it's just the order of personal priorities. I can have casual sex with people for the sake of sex without a huge amount of attraction. But my moral compass comes first, hence why it's the first thing I mentioned.

Yanbu.

Every job I’ve ever had, I’ve had drinks with the boss regularly, and it’s often where important work decisions get made too. Sometimes it was 1:1, but more usual for colleagues to come too, we’d always ask if anyone wanted to join us. And it was a casual last minute thing not planned for weeks.

Can’t you ask colleagues to come too? “We’re going to the pub anyone wanna join us?

If boss regularly socialises with one subordinate but not others that isn’t great as it’s impossible not to discuss work and creates a feeling in the team of favouritism.

Can’t you ask colleagues to come too? “We’re going to the pub anyone wanna join us?

I really don't want to. I know my colleagues well and all of us going out together, while nice, would result in work talk.

Our evening out is supposed to be about the opposite - getting away from thinking about work and getting to know each other more personally.

Why do you want to get to know him more now that you’re leaving? Feels like you’ve got a plan, connect before you leave, then start an affair once you’ve gone.
If it’s all above board, why not wait until you’ve left and then suggest a catch up with him and his partner?

What it comes down to is “ women don’t like it”. Maybe men too I’m not sure. I work in a pretty male environment and I’m friends with probably 3 or 4 guys there. I don’t see them daily so when they’re around we will often go for a coffee and I have on occasion been for one to one drinks. They are all more senior than me - I give zero fucks about all that . I’m married and they’re married and nothing has ever happened. I have been asked what one of them is like in bed though by a female colleague and little quips made when we’ve been sat in the canteen at work. 🤷‍♀️ No one likes the idea of you getting an advantage - probably because some people WILL be having an affair and WILL BE gaining an advantage. You have to not care about that. I just laugh it off because I’m not going to have my friendships dictated by other peoples made up rules. The fact you’re leaving is in your favour surely? Don’t talk about it with people in the meantime and I’m sure it will be fine.

PS. I’ve never socialised with anyones partner but we work in central London and it’s just not done in my organisation. If someone turned up with their wife I’d find it weird.

For me, if you'd have had a long day and said "fancy the pub for one or two?" I think that's fine. It's the making plans in advance to meet up on a specific day that feels strange.

I never said any of you said that - that quote came after a sentence about my colleagues in a similar situation who definitely said that - not just about my friendship with my boss but with other male colleagues too.

If the issue is that you want to make friends, you could literally pick anyone else. Why are you so focused on your boss?

Why not sign up for a class, join some meetups, start a social hobby, etc.

That fact you picked this man in particular is shady. It just is.

If boss regularly socialises with one subordinate but not others that isn’t great as it’s impossible not to discuss work and creates a feeling in the team of favouritism

This is what stands out to me.

Boss doesn't socialise with colleagues and doesn't do the group social events, but when a young, single, female employee invites him for 1-1 drink and she wants to get to know him more personally out of work as she's leaving, he considers it.

The act of 1-1 drinks with the OP is unusual for this boss and it's fairly obvious why eyebrows would be raised.

boocurl
Sorry, I thought that was moving to general statement rather than a specific reflection on your situation. Apologies.

But why not meet over coffee or lunch at work? For me meeting one on one over drinks gives different vibes. Unless you invite the whole team.

Can't you socialise during working hours? Coffee? Lunch? Group teams chat?
Otherwise it really is non-work, and God knows why he accepted (can guess).

It's a terrible example for him to set of favouritism and potential sexual favours to get ahead in the workplace.

You, as the underling, were just naive/ pushy / sexually forward ... whichever. It is his role to set the tone by politely declining.

He hasn't, so has potentially set you both up for a load of gossip. He looks sleazy, you look slutty. Do you work in sales? Perhaps that look is still acceptable there, dunno.

I think this is it. Also it seems he makes a point of keeping himself separate from out of work socialising but you've not read these cues.

Only you know you and your boss’s relationship @Firefin even trying to rationalise it to strangers on the internet will always come across odd.

For me, I became friends with my boss. He’s 10 years older than me, married with kids. I was his assistant before he left the company, but we’d go for lunch/dinner a 2 or 3 times a year. When I met my DP 4 years ago, we all met up and I continued my friendship with him after he left the company and still meet for lunch maybe twice a year. My DP and his wife all have met, and his kids.

we have a great friendship. Nothing inappropriate. I don’t believe anyone has ever thought it was inappropriate. Only two can decide whether it’s right or not.

Only you know you and your boss’s relationship @Firefin even trying to rationalise it to strangers on the internet will always come across odd.

The reason she's trying to rationalise it is that her coworkers think it is off and disapprove of it, and she says she doesn't understand why.

I think a lot of rationalising now comes more from feeling I have to defend myself to strangers on the internet who will still accuse me of wanting a shag. Like this one: Feels like you’ve got a plan, connect before you leave, then start an affair once you’ve gone.

I have already said why I don't want his partner there the first time we meet. I have also already pointed out why him and not the others, and also that he is not the first person in my immediate team I have asked to meet up with 1:1.

Lunch is not an option, no. We both have to work through our lunch breaks, which are way too short as it is. It's not the sort of work where we can just nip out for an hour.

And as for the planning, I have already said I am a single mother. I need to plan my childcare, and he has his own commitments. We're not in our carefree 20s where we don't have things to do after work, even on the odd occasion where we don't work until stupid o'clock in the evenings.

I don't think the issue here is anything sexual, but I wouldn't go out for one-to-one drinks with my boss unless it were something like us coming back from a job together and stopping for lunch (ie., part of the working day). He's gay and I'm gay, so I know no one would think about that aspect. I just think that, even if you like your boss and would happily socialise with them in a group outside work, it is a little awkward to do it one on one. Won't it make you feel strange the next time he has to tick you off, or the next time you want to complain to him about something?

I never get the angst about things like this on here - we cannot assume that all men will cheat, given the opportunity. I frequently have after work, 1-1 drinks with my married, male manager, who is older than me. I've met his wife, I've babysat his kids, I've had dinner at his house. Never once has any of the conversations we've had 1-1 strayed into anything inappropriate, beyond arguing about our respective football teams.

@SarahAndQuack Since I'm leaving, no.

But you've not left yet? And won't he be your reference?