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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All these things adding up

136 replies

wonderwitch5 · 28/01/2023 05:56

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

OP posts:
freezingpompoms · 28/01/2023 06:05

He is slowly alienating you from your friends. He is trying to undermine your friendships with other people. He wants you to only have him.

I don't know if this is will be a shock to you but it's a form of abuse he's trying to control and manipulate you.

NomadicSoul · 28/01/2023 06:09

They sound like they are trying to be controlling and trying to isolate you from your friends so that you're just dependent on them. That's not a good place for you to end up from the sounds of them.

Are they jealous that they've no friends themself or are they insecure to the point that they can't share you with anyone else? Personally, I'd be careful what I said to them and I'd start making more friends and I would be investing more time in my current ones as I wouldn't want to be alone with someone who didn't want me to see anyone else.

CatWorm · 28/01/2023 06:11

No this isn’t right. It’s emotional abuse. He’s manipulating you.

Festivfrenzy · 28/01/2023 06:14

Sounds really horrible OP. Do you love them and do you have kids? Any chance they'd turn it around if you raised it with them and said you're thinking of leaving cos it's getting you down so much?
Why are so many people such massive pillocks :/

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/01/2023 06:16

He wants you to be unhappy. Actively wants it and tries to make it happen.

Why are you still there?

Original poster
wonderwitch5 · 28/01/2023 06:18

DP does have a few friends. Far more than I do.

I understand the alienating from family. Although DP will be the one who usually makes plans to see my family, I'll be on egg shells thinning DP will say something snide to my family or I kind which I'll then be trying to over explain saying things like 'DP's only joking' and things like that.

Or DP has said to me a couple of times in the past about my family members something like "you know (x family member) was looking at you really odd before like they're mad at you". So I'll say 'I'll phone them then and check they're ok'
And DP will say 'no don't do that. It's fine. I'll speak to them and see what's going on'. As far as I'm aware DP then has not gone ok to speak to them.

Or if a friend hasn't been in touch for a while, DP will say "it's strange they haven't been in touch. I wonder if you said something to upset them last time you saw them".
Things like that.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 28/01/2023 06:21

What a horrible person he is. That's really not good OP.

Leaves1 · 28/01/2023 06:23

He does sound controlling .
Maybe not aware he s doing it.

if you told him how you feel when he says the things to friends, how would he react ? I suggest you tell him the next evening not immediately.

The social stuff with you just needs planning . “What’s your vote on when we do X ? , you know I’d love to do it , I suggest we go on such a date . “. He doesn’t get to decide what you do and when , it’s a joint decision unless he’s wanting control ofc.

I am sorry to hear he is undermining you , look out for the “you’re being too sensitive “ … you remind him you’re telling him how you feel and that he cannot judge you for that .

I suggest you find one person to tell irl.

Original poster
wonderwitch5 · 28/01/2023 06:23

When that last one happened about the friend I replied "I don't think I did say anything to upset them but if I did, I'm sure they'll tell me". Then DP will say 'woah what are you being like that for? I was only saying. It was just a thought'.
Even though I have replied in a very calm voice.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2023 06:23

He wants to crush your self worth so you don't wake up and ditch him for his abusive behaviour. It's all deliberate.

Dillydollydingdong · 28/01/2023 06:25

Your letting dp manipulate you. He's an a-hole. Say something to him ffs - "Dp, I need to spend some time with X. She's a very good friend of mine". And don't worry about the fact that you may not have loads of friends. It doesn't matter. Cherish the ones you have got.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 28/01/2023 06:28

Emotionally abusive - that makes for very uncomfortable reading OP. You deserve someone who supports you & wants you to be happy.

Poppyblush · 28/01/2023 06:30

Gaslighting. Ltb

AmIThatMam · 28/01/2023 06:31

If one or two of these things happened in an otherwise healthily relationship, you’d turn to them and say ‘what ay are you being a twat?’ Or whatever, so the fact you don’t call them out on weird behaviour means this is normalised in your relationship. You accept the behaviour so it continues. Time to tell ‘D’ P they are behaving badly and you won’t accept it. They will then likely gaslight you, so remember you know what they are doing. Stand strong (and probably leave) x

Paq · 28/01/2023 06:35

He's horrible! Can you leave him?

TenThousandSpoons · 28/01/2023 06:36

LTB
He/she sounds horrible and this is emotional abuse.

freezingpompoms · 28/01/2023 06:38

Leaves1 · 28/01/2023 06:23

He does sound controlling .
Maybe not aware he s doing it.

if you told him how you feel when he says the things to friends, how would he react ? I suggest you tell him the next evening not immediately.

The social stuff with you just needs planning . “What’s your vote on when we do X ? , you know I’d love to do it , I suggest we go on such a date . “. He doesn’t get to decide what you do and when , it’s a joint decision unless he’s wanting control ofc.

I am sorry to hear he is undermining you , look out for the “you’re being too sensitive “ … you remind him you’re telling him how you feel and that he cannot judge you for that .

I suggest you find one person to tell irl.

Of course he's aware of it and is deliberately trying to control her.

He's planting seeds of doubts in your mind OP to make you feel uncertain and paranoid. He's making it so that you can't trust your own family. When really it's him you can't trust.

Zipadeebooyah · 28/01/2023 06:40

There's not a doubt in my mind that I'd leave this person.

freezingpompoms · 28/01/2023 06:40

You've taken a huge step by posting on mn. Here you fill find numerous women who have experienced what you are living through. There's a wealth of knowledge and experience that you can tap into here.

Your next step is to talk someone in real life and let them know what's going on. Ideally someone in your family or a close friend.

RubyPip · 28/01/2023 06:41

wonderwitch5 · 28/01/2023 06:18

DP does have a few friends. Far more than I do.

I understand the alienating from family. Although DP will be the one who usually makes plans to see my family, I'll be on egg shells thinning DP will say something snide to my family or I kind which I'll then be trying to over explain saying things like 'DP's only joking' and things like that.

Or DP has said to me a couple of times in the past about my family members something like "you know (x family member) was looking at you really odd before like they're mad at you". So I'll say 'I'll phone them then and check they're ok'
And DP will say 'no don't do that. It's fine. I'll speak to them and see what's going on'. As far as I'm aware DP then has not gone ok to speak to them.

Or if a friend hasn't been in touch for a while, DP will say "it's strange they haven't been in touch. I wonder if you said something to upset them last time you saw them".
Things like that.

These are not the actions of someone who loves you.

I know it's easy to say, bit you really would be SO much happier without him.

He is abusive.

SerialFaffer · 28/01/2023 06:42

I fully agree with the comments so far, but also wanted to add that the way your partner behaves and the things he says to you makes me feel suffocated and anxious just reading it.

Fairislefandango · 28/01/2023 06:43

Yup, agree with all previous posters. He is absolutely obviously manipulating you, deliberately chipping away at your self-esteem and trying to isolate you from friends and family. What kind of man does that? An abusive arsehole. He's not even being remotely subtle about it. Do not doubt for a second that he's doing this on purpose, OP. Leave him before you have nothing left of yourself and your life outside of him.

freezingpompoms · 28/01/2023 06:45

I bet everyone around you thinks he's a total dick too and they'd be relieved for you if you said you were splitting up. He sounds like an absolute arse to be around.

But he is abusive too and that's the really scary aspect here.

Readyforspringtime · 28/01/2023 06:53

As above, there is no way that she isn't trying to emotionally manipulate you here. What a horrible person. I hope you find a way out of this.

HungryandIknowit · 28/01/2023 06:56

Blimey. He's trying to isolate you from family and friends and make you lose confidence. Not something a kind and loving partner would do.

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