All these things adding up

[wonderwitch5]

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

Jesus. He sounds bloody awful.

It really makes me sad when I read over and over the absolute shit women are putting up with every day.

He’s a manipulative abuser.

This is a man posting.

I bet

Have you actually pointed out you know what they’re doing? Eg ‘Did you realise that every time I go out with a friend you say something rude about the way they treat me, like you are trying to undermine and belittle me?’

I've done this before and the response was 'no no no, don't cancel. It's fine. You go'.

Hi lovely, this really does sound like gaslighting / emotional abuse / alienating you from friends and family.

Deep down you must know that this is happening to you hence writing this post.

the last example: I replied "I don't think I did say anything to upset them but if I did, I'm sure they'll tell me". Then DP will say 'woah what are you being like that for? I was only saying. It was just a thought' really struck me as he couldn’t believe you had actually stood up for yourself and challenged him.

It’s really very unsettling that your husband has been doing this to you.

Who do you have around you that you can trust and lean on for support?

You have children and this is not in any way a healthy / normal / positive relationship. Would you want your children to be in a relationship with someone like this? Treading on egg shells in case their partner say something? Making them worry constantly about something they’ve said? Making them feel bad for something they haven’t done?

I would divorce him as this won’t get better it will likely get worse. You still have perspective on this at this point, you know this is wrong, he hasn’t been able to let you lose complete perspective but women all over can tell you what a few more years of this does to someone’s psyche and self confidence. Get out whilst you can still see him for what he is x

@Snowybeach

It's hard to do but I have before. And it ends up an argument. I can articulate myself very well at times in these situations and can sometimes stay calm, but it can just end up spun out of control.
If I stay completely calm, DP will sometimes get upset and say how hard it is still because their family member died (years ago) and things like that. Which feels like a tactic to shut me up.

I'll also then be told I'm paranoid, sensitive, i'm delusional, I have no sense of reality. Things like that.

If I say 'each time we go out, you seem to start getting annoyed with me about things and it leads to an argument'. The response will be ' oh do it's all me then? You don't start the argument? Oh that's right. You don't because you're so perfect aren't you?'

It's the same sort of thing over and over again.

Coercive control. They aren't the 'D' P for you.

I'm sorry OP he sounds so manipulative and nasty, I don't know how you could fix this. If he's been doing it for years it isn't going to change is it?

I can't imagine putting up with it, but you have kids so it's not a simple "just leave".

Is it worth trying some relationship counselling with a recommended therapist? Although if he's manipulative maybe he'll just manipulate his way out of any responsibility there too.

Either way, remember this isn't about you, I bet you're a great friend and he's jealous of that.

Whatever you do, think about your finances and make sure you protect your earnings and savings in case you do have to leave.

@Aliceteacup
I do sometimes notice a difference when I stand up for myself. DP will back off a bit or might at times seem a bit more pleasant. But it doesn't really last long. And to be honest it's tiring.
I don't want to feel like I can't trust DP has my best interests and well being at heart, but I don't.

I just wonder in these situations 'why do you want me to feel bad?' It's such a weird concept. I'd never want to say or do something to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable just for the sake of it.

There is no other possible explanation other than to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t waste another 10 years on him.

Get angry - he’s been treating you like shit. Would YOU treat anyone like he treats you? Nope.

He’s a twat.

Goodbye twat!

My dad used to do this to my mum all the time. It was horrible for us kids as well, seeing how she was treated, hearing him constantly putting her down and undermining her, powerless to change anything. She stayed with him, but told me recently how she regretted doing that. She didn't get her freedom until he died, when she was 75. Whatever it takes Op, I'd urge you to start thinking divorce.

Sorry OP this sounds like things my exh used to do. It’s not nice and I’m sorry, who knows why they do it. But I don’t see it stopping, it’s one of many reasons why he’s an ex.

Point it out to them every time they do it. Say you don't want to argue but just wonder why they do it.

Really, they're manipulative and abusive and unlikely to change.

@MrsTerryPratchett
Because not everything is bad. And we have a child now. Things were like this early on in the relationship and for some reason, I couldn't leave. I really couldn't. I would feel so bad.
It feels like it's become a normal part of our relationship and it's very predictable.

The one thing that's making me think more about this is the fact that we do have a child and I would never ever want this to be something she grows up with.

I don't want to paint an awful picture of DP. There are things that are really good and ways that we work well together. Some interests we have are similar and we can talk about a lot of stuff we find interesting. So there are good things. It's just hard to process and work out what to do.

This is isolating behaviour and you should call him out directly “ why do you say this?” “ why would you say that when the invite has made me happy?” Call him out.

Urgh he sounds awful, it's that tiny little seed of doubt being planted each time that leaves a sour taste in your mouth after a fun time with your friends family. After a while your brain becomes conditioned to associate that anxious feeling with seeing these people, and that's the whole point. I genuinely feel furious for you reading all of this, he is treating you like you're stupid as well, as if you can't see past this behaviour. If it was me, everytime it happens I would say something like oh here we go, let me guess you suddenly fancy visiting this place how convenient or even writing it down with dates so you can refer back to it if he is a gaslighter as well. Each time he does it ask him why he's doing it, if he starts manipulating you just say ok that's fair enough but just to make sure I'm going to call friend/family member to check in and say what you've said and then do it. Do it every single time so that they are still in the loop, you need them to know what he's like.

Your updates say an awful lot about this marriage Op, the faux getting upset when challanged, the fact he tries to be nicer when he's called out but can't sustain it, the rows when you don't agree with him. He's not going to stop doing this, it's who he is, he thinks he's allowed to make your life worse.
I think it's very easy to say leave him but I can't see this getting any better if you don't

It either sounds like a complete lack of care and respect, even dislike and so they are easy digs to make. Or like pp say, even more sinister that he is trying to alienate you. Either way it's unforgivable, I don't think you're wrong for recognizing it and considering your options

I'm not trying to be a dick, OP, but have you posted about him before? The "I was going ti take you out" tactic is familiar.

If that was you who posted, clearly things haven't gotten any better. You really should consider leaving him, I can tell you're not ready but things are getting worse.

If it wasn't you, then it's a common abuse tactic which is fucking terrifying.

I grew up with a Dad like this and I would say that for the sake of your child you need to leave. It's not going to get better. Do you have anyone who could support you leaving?

You are showing your child that this is a normal relationship. It’s not.

Get out. Regain control. Do it for you. Do it for your DC.

Get him in the bin.

I'd worry about his abuse and control escalating when he realises that you know what he's doing.

This is such an uncomfortable read. Please think about your child growing up in this. What are they going to learn about relationships? You deserve a life where standing up for yourself doesn't lead to arguments.

He’s trying to sabotaged your relationships with others so you have no one but him. Run for the hills.