All these things adding up

[wonderwitch5]

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

It's really good that you are able to recognise that his behaviour is not normal. I would advise giving women's aid or your local service a call and running through some of these issues, thinking about next steps for you and your child with a trained professional. Once we realise what has been happening, things can get worse or more unsafe so you need professional support. Don't think any more about him or why he is doing this, think about you,your child and what you want your future to look like. Freedom program might be a good option for you.

You need to find the gumption and self worth to ditch this absolute cretin of a so called man. The way he treats you, seeking to undermine, invalidate, hurt, is awful. Just reading it makes me feel uneasy. That is no way to live your life, especially for your child to see as they get older.

I don't want to paint an awful picture of DP. There are things that are really good and ways that we work well together. Some interests we have are similar and we can talk about a lot of stuff we find interesting. So there are good things. It's just hard to process and work out what to do.

One of the basic foundation stones of a relationship is how the other party makes you feel about yourself. You can have a time in common and be able to talk about a lot of things but if he is actively trying to make you feel badly about yourself, plant seeds of doubt about your relationships with your friends and family and is basically gaslighting you on a regular basis, which is what he's doing OP, then the relationship is not a good one. I know it's really easy for us to say you should leave, we don't have to do it but I think you know that you need to. You have a daughter and she is watching you for examples of how she should be treated by the significant people in her life. Don't let this be the example you give.

To add more to this:

He is controlling and manipulative. He is gaslighting you and trying to isolate you from a support network.
Is this the sort of household you want your child growing up in? Thinking this is normal?

Unsure if your child is a boy or girl, but if a boy - do you want him growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat a partner? If a girl - do you want her growing up thinking this is how she deserves to be treated?

I grew up with a father like this and I wish my mum had the strength to leave so much earlier than she did - I still have the mental scars from it.

For the sake of yourself and your child - leave him

I think coming up with a one liner you can say every time he does this. Something like ‘ you concentrate on your friends and I’ll concentrate on mine’ and repeat it every time he says one of his digs.
Other posters may think of something better to say.
My DH and I came up with a one liner for his DB who tries to control what everyone eats and drinks on nights out and it worked.

S/he sounds absolutely horrible. Leave, for your own sake and for your child.

He’s trying to destroy you. Leave for your DC’s sake before he does the same to them. Can you imagine being a child growing up with this? Please get out.

You’ve seen it, you are perceptive and have seen it. You still have friends and family who will support. Don’t wait until he has taken them away.

He’s abusive towards you; it’s damaging to you and it will be to your child when they see it as well.

Horrible horrible man, he’s trying to isolate you so you have no escape from him

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind

So this has been going for a long time I guess - and you are already well conditioned to think you are in the wrong as you feel it clouds your perspective

Your post is littered with examples of how you rarely do things away from your DH. You are already alienated. This isn’t new, is systemic ongoing manipulative emotional abuse…..

Your replies are littered with how he continues to manipulate your free thought and will by gaslighting you when you do have the courage to challenge (and I’m glad you do have the courage to do this as it makes me hopeful this isn’t also manifesting in physical abuse)

He’s a grade A nutcase. You need to leave and protect your child(ren) from growing up with this. They should be your absolute priority.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you told me though that you have no or little access to finances (although I could be wrong)

I think your first step should be starting to confide in your friends and family. I think the fact they do still maintain contact despite his attempts to alienate them makes me hopeful they are well aware of what he’s like and are waiting in the wings to catch you.

lots of charities/support networks out there. Get in touch with them and start planning your way out of this shite relationship.

My best wishes to you x

You need to leave this for the sake of your future self, please don't waste your best years, and your children's best years walking on eggshells around this man.

My exH was the same, I stayed for 9 years and eventually left with 3 DC all under 7. Yes it was hard but 8 years on and we are absolutely living our best loves, and DC fully recognise his behaviour as emotionally abusive. It's the best thing you can do for their future selves too.

How do you know it’s a him?

Oh he sounds bloody awful! I agree with others, your partner is trying to isolate you and cause you to second guess yourself. That's no way to live.

It's far worse than you realise, please end it.

I would leave this person immediately. It's interesting that you haven't specified the sex.

It’s interesting that you are deliberately neutral about your partners sex and everyone assumes it’s a man. This could easily be a woman behaving like this.

Not that it matters. Your spouse is emotionally abusive and manipulates, controls, isolates and gaslights you. It’s insidious and dangerous and changes how you act, think and react. It changes your sense of self. You become anxious and hyper vigilant. You question your thoughts and actions. The gaslighting creates doubt and reinforces the anxiety.

I was in a relatively short relationship like this and managed to leave. (We weren’t married and didn’t have children together which helped). It was only after I’d left I realised I wasn’t inherently anxious, didn’t need the medication I’d ended up on, and wasn’t this awful person I’d been led to believe I was.

Please leave your spouse. Otherwise you will end up a shell of the person you once were. And your child will think that’s what a relationship should look like and perpetuate the cycle.

Absolutely poisonous and undermining. Self pitying too and probably thinks you’re picking on them if you defend yourself.

I think the reason so many posters assume the DP is a man is because they (we) have experienced relationships with a man like this. My ex for example pressed those buttons for 25 years, until he finally wore them out and I divorced his ass. Obviously there are also women who play this game (look at the number of threads about mothers/MILs who do it too - hmm, did OP have a parent who did the same, hence the earlier guilt/acceptance?). Regardless, staying with them is never going to make them behave better or you feel better. Yes, of course there are ways in which you work well together or you'd never have been together in the first place, but how much shit does it take to spoil a sandwich?

OP, echoing what lots of PP have said, this is a rather uncomfortable read.

The ‘I would have done x if you hadn’t done y’ is my dad’s signature move; ‘I would have taken everyone to the pictures if Elfid hadn’t washed her hair’ has now become mine and DH’s comedy shorthand for this sort of dreary mind-game. ‘I only fancy it for Friday’ is a tremendous thing for a grown man to say, I actually laughed, come on pal. My Dad also used to make it a point of principle to ruin high days and holidays; such was his behaviour that both my older brother and I have realised we can’t properly enjoy something. We don’t look forward to things. Growing up, we used to sort of dread holidays because we knew there would be a big fight and he’d refuse to go. Once memorable year he buggered off with the passports. It’s about control, I think. It can’t be very nice for your kids, you sound like you’re the buffer for a lot of it, but it’s a crap way to live, everything feels so uncertain and there’s a lot of dissonance floating about.

Grey-rocking is a much-mentioned technique on here. You could just not dignify the ‘your friend seems annoyed at you’ nonsense with a response beyond a nod and an ‘oh well.’ If it was just your pal or your parent that’s probably what I’d do. The fact he’s a DH and DF makes me a bit more worried for you and DC. Only you know how he is with other things. Is he decent and kind with you otherwise? Cos it does sound like he wants to isolate you, and there are not too many benign reasons for that, are there? I agree with what other PPs have said, it might be a good idea to talk to a friend and flag this up. You may find they’ve already noticed the casual shit-stirring. Maybe you could talk to him about it, or would it just lead to a fight?

OP this man is slowly chipping away at you, until the only person you can rely on is him. Its good that you have recognised this before its too late and you become totally dependant on him.
Please get some help or advice in rl.

You seem to have the measure of your DP although not the "why" they would do this to you when it is intended to destabilise you, keep you on the backfoot and alienate you from friends and family. It doesn't seem to have worked thankfully.

The question is do you want this for the rest of your life? Do you want your child to see this dynamic as normal so that they seek out similar in their future adult relationships?

There is no way out of this that won't cause hurt and tears along the way. If you stay, you and your child will suffer. If you leave, ofc it will be painful but there will come a day when you will ask yourself why you didn't get out sooner.
Because what he is doing is abusive, it is not recommended that you attend couples' counselling together but seeing someone on your own might be helpful to you.

I just saw this. @Sidge has 100% nailed it with the list of personality traits this sort of parental behaviour creates; I’m 25 years out of the family home and hyper-vigilance and anxiety are my middle names🥲 It’s not always that easy to just up and leave a marriage, I know. If it’s not got to that stage yet, could you explain to him (or her) that it can’t go on, and that it’s not a healthy way to live, or raise children. Does he try to manipulate their psyches and control their relationships too, or are they too young?

Well done on telling people. Even if online, you pinpointed exactly what his behaviour is like and that you know it’s not right. As others have said, he is abusive and deliberately isolating you from anyone who loves you and could assist you in the future.

Please tell someone trusted that he is doing this and start making plans to leave. Imagine yourself being happy and relaxed and free to do whatever you want - this will be you in a year.

@Preferfriday excellent point, OP never actually mentioned this.
I thought I'd read "he" but can now see that was just from pp.
My assumption that it is a man, is likely from my own experience

Hi OP,

Many of those of us who has experienced this sort of emotional abuse will have had the same experience. 70 or 80 percent of the time things are fine. Good even. But when the tide turns it becomes uncomfortable and you start wondering why they are behaving like this. Afterwards you wonder whether you imagined it and convince yourself they only did it because they were stressed/got the wrong end of the stick/ drunk too much. And the cycle of abuse continues. I suggest reading 'why does he do that?'

It will resonate and you WILL recognise the patterns.

What helps you get away is acknowledging that this person will not change. They don't want to. He also won't admit what he's doing.

Also there's no point trying to find reasons they do what they do. They do it because they can and they want to.