All these things adding up

[wonderwitch5]

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

Ohh wow op you poor thing. Please look up Lee Hammock's videos www.facebook.com/MentalHealness85 he acts out conversations with toxic partners and it is crazy how spot on he gets it, its like they all read off the same script or something! He also explains a lot of the behaviours - It's pretty eye opening.

He's trying to control you,
When he says he doesn't want to go to x,y,z. Say ok and go on your own.
You don't need him or his permission to live your life.

You wasn't put on this planet to please him.

He sounds like a 100% gas lighting manipulator

Have a look at this, do you recognise any of these behaviours or effects on you? (It's a description of the Headworker from the freedom programme) Linky

@Cuckfancer
Thank you for the link. Quite a bit of this is accurate. But it is confusing. For example, if I say I think I've put on weight, DP will be completely silent. So then I think DP agrees.
So I'll ask 'why are you silent? Do you agree?' DP will say 'I'm not saying anything because if I tell you you haven't you don't believe me anyway' (I used to be anorexic).
But then DP makes comments such as 'well we all know wonder witch likes to eat'. 'There's no asking you twice if you want desert'. 'Do you EVER stop eating?'
'You're not going to eat THAT are you? You've just eaten'.

So then I'll say 'do you think I've put on weight?' And the cycle happens. Sometimes DP reassures me.
Then other times will call me an 'endearing' animal name which is a way that I interpret as 'fat' or 'heavy'.

But then if I ask sometimes, DP will say 'honestly you're not fat'.
It's just confusing.

He is AWFUL you are just desensitised to how bad it is because you grew being badly emotionally abused and he is just carrying it on.

It's not confusing. All of it is bad.

"Have I put on weight?" Possible answers from a nice DH:

I haven't noticed.
Post-Xmas we probably both should start eating healthier.
Why are you worried?
You're still a healthy weight so who cares?
Ha ha not as much as me. Look at these love handles (that would be my DH).

[And since he knows you've had an ED] If you're thinking about it, do you need to see your counsellor and discuss it?

Commenting on someone else's eating is almost always rude and mean. Especially if that person has had an ED.

He undermining you at every turn. And you have been trained to question yourself not him. From now on (if you don't want to leave immediately) think about if you would say what he says to you to someone you loved. And don't ask him about your weight again, he isn't to be trusted with your insecurities.

None of us on this thread are confused because it's easy seeing it from the outside for what it is.

I say easy but I mean it's clear. Your posts are actually very upsetting to read. You are in the centre of it all so it's harder for you to see. It's happened for so long you think this is normal.

We are all telling you it's not. It's bloody awful and I think it's fair to say we all want you to find the strength to get help.

You can you tell in real life?

You are doing a great job in recognising that some of the things your partner does are confusing, unsettling and upsetting. Lots of us recognise and describe these behaviours as abusive but that can be pretty hard for the person actually in the relationship to realise and recognise. I would really recommend contacting a neutral, professional organisation to talk things through.

They won't make you do anything you don't want, they won't have a go at you for being with your partner,they will listen and stand with you in this.
Women's aid black sisters.org.uk Southall black sisters Mankind- service for menGalop-service for LGBT people

Have a google.of the Freedom Programme. You will recognise him.

You used to be anorexic and he makes nasty comments about what you eat?!!! He sounds worse every time you post