All these things adding up

[wonderwitch5]

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

He's really abusive. You need to leave.

Your posts give me the chills op and the sad thing is you just can't see how awful this is for you and your child. Please leave. This will get worse and will impact your child

@Elfidela1980
My dad also used to do things similar. And some of these traits remind me of my dad.
I feel like over the years, I've slowly become less excited about a lot of things and don't often look forward to going places because these trips will either be cancelled or we will fall out beforehand.

We could be driving to a week away somewhere and on the way there, DP will suddenly say something like "do you agree that your mum was out of order when she said ......."
and I'll say "well, no, I wouldn't say she was out of order. She just had a different opinion".
And DP will reply "so you think it was perfectly ok that she said that? You think that's fine? There you go, taking your mums side. Yet again. Here's me being a mug......." blah blah..
Then the atmosphere will be awful all the way there. We'll arrive and won't be speaking. The first evening will be silent. It just won't be pleasant at all.

This doesn't happen every time but often enough.

Your child will grow up thinking this is ok, and that men treat you like this.

‘I don't want to paint an awful picture of DP. There are things that are really good and ways that we work well together.’

Literally the reason why abusive people have partners - how would they ever have a relationship with anyone if it was ALL bad? It rare that there are no good things at all. That’s how they keep you and keep you questioning yourself.

Sadly I experienced pretty much identical things. My ex-H was abusive and this was how things went in the days before I realised that's what was going on. Unfortunately it escalated. You will never find happiness with your H, time to rethink the relationship.

OP, I’m sorry that this will be an uncomfortable thing to hear, but take it from someone who grew up in a toxic and gaslighting environment; it affected me and continues to. It took me years to both find and understand what a safe, respectful and healthy relationship is. I still second guess ever decision I ever make, I’m never confident and have to seek the confirmation of others to know that my decisions are correct.

At the end of the day, we’re all strangers on the internet, none of us really know how ‘bad’ things are for you, only you know that - but the things that we DO have to go on here do not look good, regardless of all the ‘good’ qualities that you say your partner has.

Please don’t disregard these things that are happening. As per my previous comment, I would feel suffocated, claustrophobic and anxious if I were in your relationship. Happiness isn’t walking on eggshells.

I assume you’ve made your posts gender neutral because you are married to a woman and think you’d get different advice than if everyone thought you were a woman married to a man. This is normal behaviour for controlling men and it’s hard to admit a woman is doing this to you.

so given you have a dc together - is your DW this primary carer and how old is your dc? Does your DW work? My advice would be to leave anyway, but sadly many men I know have stayed until dcs are a little older because a lot of shit is worth trading for breakfast each morning and story time each bedtime with dcs.

This is abuse, make no mistake about it.

Read up on the cycle of abuse, this explains the "nice" part.

Also look up the Insight podcasts by Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna, they're mostly relating to narcissistic parents (I believe you might find some of them enlightening) but there are some about couple relationships.

Think about why you defend your partner to your family, telling them your partners insults were only a joke. Your partner is abusive and abuse thrives in secrecy; when you pretend it's a joke I think you are trying to fool yourself. But it needs to be called out for what it is. However I think your own childhood means you have a high tolerance for abuse, so you accept it as your norm. Is counselling with someone who is knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse an option for you?

He sounds horrible

@Escapingafter50years
Thank you, I have saved the podcast. I'll have a look at that cycle too. I do have a therapist at the moment but haven't really told her all of this. I think I might do.
She has said previously that I can tolerate a high level of toxic behaviours. I agree with what you have said.

What on earth is "D" about him?

Surely you must know this isn't nice or normal behaviour from someone who supposedly cares about you?

She has said previously that I can tolerate a high level of toxic behaviours.

Because you were trained to by your father.

Now you and your partner will train your child to accept it.

And so it goes on generation after generation.

I've said a few times if I ever do my PhD I will do it on 'circuit-breakers'. Those people who decide that their generation is the last one. That they won't recreate the pattern over and over. Those people really truly change the world. I wonder if you could be one.

Shamelessly piggybacking on this post, but today of all days, this got me. We are the circuit breakers. It’s seismic.

@MrsTerryPratchett
I have told DP that I don't want our child growing up around arguments and a toxic environment. I've said I don't want her experiencing what I did.
I've made it clear she is a priority.
I would like to think we could go to couples Counselling and work through this but I don't think DP would be truly honest about how they are.

Very manipulative behaviour, designed to isolate. If they start with the ‘Don’t you think your mum was out of order/your mate looked at you funny’ type shite, tell them you’re aware they always do this, they stop NOW, because you know what they’re doing.

Or if a friend hasn't been in touch for a while, DP will say "it's strange they haven't been in touch. I wonder if you said something to upset them last time you saw them".
Just reply that friend thinks you're a complete twat for remaining with such an unpleasant, manuipulative "partner"?

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing!

I have been where you are, op. Couples counselling will not work for this sort of behaviour, which is abusive, and is not advised, as your DP will manipulate the sessions.

over time, It will slowly erode your sense of self, and damage both you and your child.

women’s aid will be helpful, if you can call them. Also,lots of googling - coercive control, gaslighting, covert narcissism.

keep seeing your friends and family, this is critical. Keep your job, keep your independence. Learn about what your DP is doing, and make decisions from there.

Today has been really awful. DP has said some of the usual things I find controlling. I called DP out on a couple of these things to which the reply was 'why are you taking things so personally? Try not to take it personally. It isn't personal. God do you really think I'm that bad? If I'm so bad why are you with me?"

Tonight we argued. It was horrible. We're not talking.
I really hate the thought of splitting up. I really do. I'm not sure what to do or if this can be sorted in some way.

A part of me thinks I could focus on being more assertive and put more boundaries in. Maybe that will help. I don't know.

I do wonder if I'm making it out to be bigger and worse than it is. And seeing all those examples together looks awful. I know DP has said and done some really awful things that are very classic narcissistic traits. But sometimes we can go for really long periods where things are really good. I seem to just be focusing on the bad at the moment.

'll also then be told I'm paranoid, sensitive, i'm delusional, I have no sense of reality. Things like that.

@wonderwitch5 this is absolutely chilling.

textbook emotional abuse.

Here's a link to the podcasts I mentioned earlier, I think any of them will help validate your experience. (A recent one talked about exactly the sort of thing where a partner says why are you with me if I'm so bad). Your DP is not "D" but a very abusive person. You cannot change them. Also they don't want to change. Do not go for counselling with an abuser but by all means go to your therapist and talk about what you have told us.

podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

I'm linking below about the cycle of abuse I mentioned earlier. I see from you saying "But sometimes we can go for really long periods where things are really good. I seem to just be focusing on the bad at the moment." that you are trying to delude yourself that this is a relationship that can be saved. It is not, I'm afraid. You cannot save a relationship where one person is treating the other person like shit and refuses to accept any responsibility. In a normal relationship no-one is walking on egg-shells or being gaslighted; it is possible to discuss issues in a grown up manner and to have one's feelings accepted. This is not the case with your relationship.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Hes trying to control you for sure.

@Escapingafter50years
Thank you. I appreciate that. I will listen to it. It might help if they give real life story examples.
The thought of ending fills me with complete and utter dread. I just feel so so sad.

Could you secretly make a recording on your phone of some of his comments? so you can show them to solicitor when you divorce him and it might (but no idea really so this is just off the top of my head make a difference with him getting custody of your DD)