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AIBU?

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Original poster

All these things adding up

136 replies

wonderwitch5 · 28/01/2023 05:56

These have bothered me for a while but every now and then it's all I can focus on and it colours my whole mind. Lots of memories pop to mind and it's hard to move away from it. We've been married 10 years and have DC.

Hurtful comments from DP:

I don't have many friends but if a friend buys me a present for my birthday or something, DP might day 'god they finally got you something. They haven't bothered getting you anything for years. Wonder what's up with them'.

A relative wants to meet up for coffee, DP will say 'they've never bothered about you before. Wonder what they want? They usually don't give a shit about you'.

If we are out with friends, a friend mentions a place they'd like me to go to with them and DP will say "wonder witch hates going there with you but hasn't told you". So then I'm mortified as I've told DP that I don't like the place friend likes in private. Or directly to me "wonder witch, you said you didn't even like the place that friend asks you to go to". Absolutely shaming and mortifying.

If we are going somewhere nice or have a special thing planned, DP always either starts some kind of argument before we go or after we get home. Or DP will say we are going to do something that I've been looking forward to, then on the day might day 'I don't fancy it now'.

If I'm going to meet a friend (which is rare) DP will say something like 'oh do you fancy watching that film/going to that place you've been wanting to watch/go to.?' Then quickly says 'oh I forgot you're seeing your friend so we can't'.

Or if I say "I'm seeing friend next Friday". DP will say "oh I was going to ask if you wanted to go to .. (place I've been dying to go to) but I suppose we can't now if you're seeing your friend".
So I'll say "we could go there tomorrow/next week/ or whenever". And DP's response is 'no, I probably won't want to then. I only really fancied it for Friday'.

All these things pop into my mind all at once and make me really angry.

They obviously don't happen all the time but when one thing comes to mind, they all end up linking together of other similar occasions. Sometimes I'll see a friend with what seems like no issue but then DP makes snide remarks about them when I get back which just puts a negative outlook on the experience.

Sorry for the long post!!!

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 28/01/2023 07:04

I’d pretend I was meeting a friend one weekend and when he says oh I was going to take you to x then say ok I will change friend to another day. Bet he still won’t take you!

ohdizzy · 28/01/2023 07:06

He's trying to wreck all your external relationships to control you and make you dependent on him. I'd be making plans for an exit if I were you.

Iamwhatiam52 · 28/01/2023 07:12

Coercion. Gaslighting. Emotionally abusive. All the traits are in every example you've given OP which don't make pleasant reading.

He's isolating you by fabricating crap stories about your friends and family.

It's good you've realised s

Iamwhatiam52 · 28/01/2023 07:13

It's good you've realised something isn't right. (Phone glitch) I hope you're able to dump him

Oblomov22 · 28/01/2023 07:16

Now that you've read it back, doesn't it sound truely nasty?

Appleholic · 28/01/2023 07:17

I was married to an arseh$-# like your DH for 16 years, and it's gaslighting and emotional abuse, they're making you doubt yourself and feel lower about yourself to control you, so they can have there way in the marriage, mine was also financially controlling we had separate money and I had no access to his. Divorce was the best answer, it was bloody hard and it's not easy leaving someone when your self worth is on the floor like mine was, but do it, take baby steps, build up your social life first, tell a friend what's happening, and contact women's aid and family if you have any that will support you leaving him.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 28/01/2023 07:24

You're being manipulated into total reliance on your DP. Sounds like their goal is to isolate you completely and control you. ☹️
None of this behaviour is normal. This isn't a normal way to live.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 28/01/2023 07:28

Your friends and family will probably be relieved when you see the light and leave the relationship- they probably al think your DP is an arsehole but are too worried about saying anything.

difficultlemons · 28/01/2023 07:32

Interesting how most have assumed your do is a "he" though you haven't said either way.

It sounds very much like your dp is threatened by you having friends/family and would prefer for you not to, or for you to believe no one likes you.

Not a loving or caring way to behave and I suspect you already know this!

Teeturtle · 28/01/2023 07:34

Well the good news is he is only a DP and you haven’t mentioned children so hoping there aren’t any. He sounds sinister to me, it’s psychological abuse. You don’t have to put up with this.

Teeturtle · 28/01/2023 07:36

Teeturtle · 28/01/2023 07:34

Well the good news is he is only a DP and you haven’t mentioned children so hoping there aren’t any. He sounds sinister to me, it’s psychological abuse. You don’t have to put up with this.

Well that will teach me to read the first sentence properly. 🫢 ok so he is a husband and there are children, but it is still psychological abuse and you don’t have to put up with it. He sounds awful, absolutely awful.

Paq · 28/01/2023 07:38

Also just noticed OP has not said the sex of their partner. Not that it makes a difference, their behaviour is awful.

Gotofriggingsleep · 28/01/2023 07:45

I had an ex husband like this. Years of constant attempts to isolate me from family and friends. Lots of comments that made me question every social interaction I made. Countless 'just saying' remarks about ways people looked at/things they said to me.

It became easiest just to avoid going anywhere or seeing anyone other than his family. Please get out.

Life a decade on for me is great, I am not the socially inept, unlikeable person he tried to make me believe I was.

Cakeandcardio · 28/01/2023 07:54

This is abuse. There's no question. If you don't feel you have the strength to leave him right now, then at the very least the next time he says about doing something you would enjoy and then 'but you can't because you are with your friends' etc then you should still go ahead and arrange to do the nice thing either with someone else or on your own and make it clear that he isn't welcome as he 'only fancied it for Friday' or whatever other bullshit he's said. I'm sorry you are in this position but it's absolute abuse.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/01/2023 07:58

It's good that you've noticied his behaviour and seen it for what it is @wonderwitch5 .
He's happy to embarrass you and undermine you even with your own family to the point you're on edge and making excuses for him.
He thinks he's clever and getting away with eroding your friendships and self esteem, he's not clever, he's made ut to obvious.
Call him out, every time, when he suggests you're making a fuss. Make it clear you know what he's doing and it needs to stop, or else

User12310 · 28/01/2023 08:13

Please walk away or if you can’t, please try and take nothing he says to heart. Nothing he says means anything good or bad. It’s all designed to manipulate and destroy you. As for those posts saying ‘perhaps he doesn’t know’, he knows! He bloody knows and does it on purpose. No ifs, buts or maybes. He knows and is actively attempting to control you and emotionally abuse you.

IHeartGeneHunt · 28/01/2023 08:14

He's a nasty cunt. I had a boyfriend like that, every time we'd had friends over it was "Oh Mary and Ted said they were disappointed with how you seemed to ignore them this evening" (for example) even though I'd been with them the whole time and if I said I'd apologise he'd say "No don't do that they don't want a fuss."

Took me ages to work out that it was completely made up to get me to say something about them, so he could tell them I was bitching about them, and they wouldn't come back.
He didn't want me having anyone except him.

Tangelablue · 28/01/2023 08:15

Has he been like this for the whole 10 years you have been together? Seems like he is trying to sabotage your relationship with your family and friends and crush your self esteem.
Have you ever challenged him what he is doing?

AuntieEntity · 28/01/2023 08:16

This was really horrible to read, OP. He's abusing you.

PaddyDingDong · 28/01/2023 08:21

I love how the OP has deliberately avoided using gender yet everyone assumes the DP is a man. It could be 2 women. Anyway thats an aside. Why are you still with this awful person OP?

Hallmark1234 · 28/01/2023 08:25

Please make plans to leave this man, as he's clearly having his own warped sense of fun at your expense!

Cut it off! When he says these things don't react, say nothing, or just go oh ok in a bored voice. 😡

Justheretoseemnormal · 28/01/2023 08:25

This is abuse !!
Keep your friends and family close
I've a feeling you will be needing them more than ever In the near future xx

Snowybeach · 28/01/2023 08:26

They are really horrible and undermining. They are not on your side. He/she doesn’t matter at all.

Hallmark1234 · 28/01/2023 08:28

....ok man or woman, it doesn't matter who it is, they are deliberately trying to undermine OP.....why would supposedly loving partner do that?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 28/01/2023 08:29

Gaslighting piece of shit. Leave your 'd' p ASAP.

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