Biggest dilemma of my whole life - Please help

[Purplecastle]

Please help me with my biggest dilemma of my life.

We live in the UK the last 12 years but we are not from the UK. Both myself and my husband come from an Eastern European country and are both well educated and gain very good salaries, together we hit above 6 digit salary. We have British passports and 2 DCs, 3 and 1 years old.

Our parents live back in our home country and we have no other siblings.

We like our lives here, we are well established, we bought our house, we have our car, we are balanced. We live in a nice area and our kids will go to good schools.

Our parents are between 60-75 years old (all 4 of them).

We are at a stage that we have to decide whether to return back for them or not. They are not willing to come and live in the UK and I don't blame them as they are in retirement and have their friends and life back in our home country.

If we stay here we will be financially better and our kids will have a better education.
If we go back we will just about make it financially as a good school there in only a private school.
If we go back would be to be close to our parents at their final years and our kids to grow with their grandparents.
If we stay here our parents will either end up in an elderly house with noone close to them and if they accept to come and live in the UK we won't be able to afford a good elderly care and support for them as it's so expensive.
If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way.

What would you do? Please help as my mind is split between parents and kids and I am totally exhausted....

YABU - Stay in the UK
YANBU - Go back to your home country

I think you need to almost take your parents out of the equation. Only because most parents I know have always said they've wanted their children to do what's best for them.

What would you want your kids to do if they were in that situation (moving to a third county) when they were older?

What would be your preference, without parents or kids in the picture?

What do you think your kids would want?

Finally...is there any alternative picture? Eg you are good earners, is there the possibility of taking a sabbatical if your parents need care when they are older? One of my relatives moved very far away but were able to move back temporarily when their parent died, probably spending more time with them than they may have done if they had stayed in the uk. Can you work from home and work there for a few weeks and then holiday there for a few weeks at a time every year so you're actually spending a decent stretch of time with them? They dont want to live here but could you ensure that they have a decent place to stay so that they would he comfortable with long visits?

tricky - and I think the most significant phrase is about whether you want to raise British kids or home-country kids.

Your parents and parents in law may continue for many many more years before they need any care.

But it won't be long before your kids are really assimilated here.

I have a friend who has lived for 25 years in country X - I still think of her as British but I've realised that her children really don't think of themselves as British. They are X-ish.

If you do move back, keeping a bilingual aspect for the kids will be a real gift to them.

I think in your paragraph "If we go back.....not us in a way" you've actually made your choice - belonging, familiarity, contentment are so important, and i think sometimes overlooked when we strive for 'better' - more money, bigger house, career advancement.
I would say "heed your gut" on this.

Although you don't discuss this in detail, (nor do you have to here on MN) which option do you think would give your children the better life - education, financial, social, comfort, future prospects, etc
Obviously, going back to your home country would potentially provide more family life but what about your quality of life in general?

You need to decide what is more important. To me, family would trump everything.

Just to add - you have stated your dilemma as a choice between your parents and your children (which I don't necessarily think it is) . I would choose my children every time

Why did you move in the first place? Did you think of it as temporary and always planned moving back, or did you think it was permanent?

Which do you think is better for your children,
overall and in the long term?

Personally, if I have to prioritise between my parents (or anyone else for that matter) and my own children then my children come first.

Please don't return home purely for those reasons . My mother did this when I was a teenager , her mother died shortly after we arrived. Her whole reason for moving was now gone and me and my siblings were not happy.

We maintained good relationships previously by frequent visits and calls. These parents are not so very old now that they can't travel to you in between times.

It is every parents' wish that their kids make the most of their lives . While I would miss them terribly, I would be glad that my kids would be able to make the most of their opportunities.

I would advise you to continue as you are and face whatever situation you have to deal with when the time comes. You can't predict the future and what that might look like yet.

You should do what is best for your children which seems to be remaining in the UK. As someone suggested would be possible to take some leave and go home if your parents become frail, rather than uproot your family?

We are at a stage that we have to decide whether to return back for them or not. They are not willing to come and live in the UK and I don't blame them as they are in retirement and have their friends and life back in our home country.

Why are you at that stage at this point?
You parents are still relatively young (unless one or more is ill or infirm). You children are 3 and 1 - so you could (just throwing it out there) stay here until they are at an educational key point - so either before the eldest starts senior school or if you wanted to push it even further before the eldest starts the educational courses that lead to public exams at 16+ (or whatever the equivalent poins are in your home country).

I mean even if you left it for 5 years - your oldest parent would be 80 and the youngest just 65 - and your eldest child 8 years old.

That way you'd get a bit more time on a higher income.

I think really the answer to your dilemma lies in how close the relationships you and your DH have with your own respective parents - assessed separately and then looked at combined.

Life for most people these days is long - you yourself and your children can expect to live til at least 80 probably older. You only have one set of parents and if you are close to them and have a good relationship with them, you are unlikely to regret being with/ near them as their life comes to an end. A grandchild/grandparent relationship is great and life enhancing for both parties.

Personally I couldn't imagine choosing to be in a different country from my parents at that point in their lives but it's horses for courses. Not everyone is lucky enough to have strong close relationships with parents who were good parents.

I'd say if you are asking for advice, it tends to suggest you should move back at some point because if you were sure, you'd just decide to stay here without a question.

Yes, that's what I thought. You have been here for 12 years but the UK does not feel like home, so probably it never will. I think you should go back, and do it before too much longer while your children are young enough to adjust.

This is the dilemma everyone faces who sets up a life abroad away from family. There won't be an easy answer sorry.

First - your parents aren't that old!
Secondly - most importantly, do what is right for you and your children. Your parents are pretty decisive about their choice - you need to be about yours.

British ppl tend to not prioritise the welfare of elders as much as some other cultures, and they feel less duty towards them, so that will skew the responses here. I'm from a culture where duty towards parents is incredibly important, so in your shoes I would go back and allow your parents to have a relationship with their grandchildren in the last years of their life. It sounds like that really is 'home' to you anyway and there's more to life than money.

I really agree with this. I think you answered it yourself. Your home country is where your heart is.

OK, well my parents would definitely not have wanted me to move back just for them; they would have wnted us to stay put if it was best for us regardless of the effect it might have on them. They are Masters of their own Fate, not babies who need adults close by - not yet anyway. If there's a crisis, you do what everyone does, ask for time off and go, sort it as best you can and come back.

These days, it's so much easier to keep in touch with all the tech developments. Do they expect you to stop work to look after them, or do they think that you would continue to work as normal (once you got a job) and spend time with them/look after them?

What do you want to do? You, not your kids, not your parents, but you?

Look, many many people live far from their families and elderly parents don't generally need 24 hour care from an unqualified relative. If you're keeping in touchin allthose techy ways available to you then they're probably getting more of your attention than they would if you lived next door. They're still oretty young, you know. Are they fit and generally healthy? They're not frail and breakable like little china dolls?

They'll be fine for the moment.

Why do you have to decide now? Has one of you been made redunadant, or is there an opportunity to transfer to somewhere closer to them,or something?

I think you can afford to leave it a couple of years too, very hard. You don't want the children to become too rooted here if you're going to return. I do feel for you x

Do what is best for your children, is what I would do. I am in a similar position and have given my parents the option of moving closer to me, so I can support them in old age. They know I am a willing caregiver. However, they have chosen to stay far away (they moved there when they retired), so they know they will need to provide for their own old age and the practicalities that involves.

As you make good money, maybe you can help pay for a caregiver/housekeeper to visit them regularly. You can just do your best in the circumstances.

I would move close to your parents and keep your house in the UK for a year as a safety net if you can. Your children and you will not have the chance to know their GPs in the same way if they live in another country and you will not have this time with them again.

I guess you need to choose now because your eldest has to start school soon. In a way it’s not about your children or parents but about what life you prefer.
Have you been to your home country in the last couple of years for a substantial visit? You left 12 years ago, when you were younger, probably single, without kids, real everyday life there might be very different now from what you remember and very different to the life you got used to live in UK now. You might be pleased with the return but you might be also disappointed.
However I think if you don’t feel that you belong here after 12 years and having DC here, you are probably better back in your home country.

Keep in mind that if you are going back just for parents, it's probably a permanent move. At their ages, they probably still have 20-30+ potential years ahead of them.

I had a chance to settle in an a country (not Europe) I loved with all my heart when I was younger. And I didn’t feel able to do it because of my mother. I made decisions my whole life based around her needs. Tellingly, lots of my friends didn’t have this sort of tie behind their life choices and ended up moving there. Like minds, right? I said at the time I just felt too British. But now I wonder if it was cowardice. This is a tough decision but one you’ll live with your whole life. As long as you ask yourself, can I live with my decision?

We are sliding into a global recession, so, life in economically weaker countries will drop in quality even more than quality of life in the UK. Your jobs and salaries will be safer in the UK (although in the case of redundancy I don't know which country would have the best social welfare safety net). If you both lost your jobs, your children's schooling and healthcare would continue. It sounds as though schooling in your home country is dependent on you being employed - can't be guaranteed with a global recession (unless you are doctors).
It's head against heart by the sound of things, but a global recession has very serious consequences for several years and shouldn't be ignored.

Your parents could live another 30 years. Don’t move, this is your home now.

I know the UK is not in good shape at the moment, (but this is not forever) but you should stay if you are happy in the UK.