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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Biggest dilemma of my whole life - Please help

158 replies

Purplecastle · 27/01/2023 22:35

Please help me with my biggest dilemma of my life.

We live in the UK the last 12 years but we are not from the UK. Both myself and my husband come from an Eastern European country and are both well educated and gain very good salaries, together we hit above 6 digit salary. We have British passports and 2 DCs, 3 and 1 years old.

Our parents live back in our home country and we have no other siblings.

We like our lives here, we are well established, we bought our house, we have our car, we are balanced. We live in a nice area and our kids will go to good schools.

Our parents are between 60-75 years old (all 4 of them).

We are at a stage that we have to decide whether to return back for them or not. They are not willing to come and live in the UK and I don't blame them as they are in retirement and have their friends and life back in our home country.

If we stay here we will be financially better and our kids will have a better education.
If we go back we will just about make it financially as a good school there in only a private school.
If we go back would be to be close to our parents at their final years and our kids to grow with their grandparents.
If we stay here our parents will either end up in an elderly house with noone close to them and if they accept to come and live in the UK we won't be able to afford a good elderly care and support for them as it's so expensive.
If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way.

What would you do? Please help as my mind is split between parents and kids and I am totally exhausted....

YABU - Stay in the UK
YANBU - Go back to your home country

OP posts:
amylou8 · 28/01/2023 04:46

I think you should prioritise your children. Once they are young adults and can make the decision to remain in the UK alone then you are free to return to your home country to your parents if you wish. At 65-70 your parents potentially have 10-20 years before they need care. If they are all in good health then this isn't an immediate decision.

Pepperama · 28/01/2023 05:12

Very similar situation when my DC were that age. In the end we stayed (job situation in my area much worse in home country and loved the house we’d just bought, nice group of friends etc). Now it’d be extremely difficult to go back as preteen kids are very settled and feel more British than home country despite being bilingual and loving to visit. Grandparents now all into their 80s and still independent although we’re getting to the stage where that’s likely to change quite quickly. Not sure yet what we’ll do - take unpaid leave, sort out best care (we’ve been saving but it’s so expensive that it’d not last long I suspect), hope for the best… if all else fails see if we can move them here (not sure how that works with immigration laws nowadays). I reckon at the stage they are so frail that they become dependent on care they’d be less likely to miss their social networks but I might be kidding myself.

I feel your pain making the decision. For what it’s worth, I think if I’d known then how the UK was going to go we’d probably have left

musingsinmidlife · 28/01/2023 05:24

Do you have citizenship here now to be able to return later?

if I were you, I would go back. Based on how you talk, That is home.

MrsMorrisey · 28/01/2023 05:29

Think about what you want first.
I wouldn't base my decision purely on finances tho.
But if you are financially stable then just go for visits. You don't need to live their yet, if at all. They are quite young still.

Waitingroompurplecup · 28/01/2023 05:49

I have this dilemma in reverse. I’m from the uk but don’t live there. I often find myself daydreaming about the house I’m going to buy and the peace and quiet of the area where I grew up. But if I do a pros and cons list everything logical points to staying where we are. I realize I’m looking at the uk through rose tinted glasses. Would it even feel like home after all these years anyway?
But the biggest reasons are uk structural things: student fees for my kids if they want to study, the state of the nhs, the state of the police force, etc.

Coffeecreme · 28/01/2023 05:52

are you both only children?
no siblings?
and they dont live that far away, i would stay and visit every summer

pjparty · 28/01/2023 05:57

Unless your parents are unwell, they are still young! Mine are within that age range and are currently backpacking around south east Asia like students 😁

TheWayTheLightFalls · 28/01/2023 06:07

We're similar to you, albeit from two different home countries.

I am not close to my family, which affects my view, but you haven't mentioned that your parents are particularly in need of your time/care now- are they well? Are they physically ok, healthy, in suitable homes, with a support network? If so and the only (big) question is about being closer to them for emotional reasons, see if more holidays etc in both directions could help?

lifesrichpageant · 28/01/2023 06:10

tough call! We left lucrative jobs in the UK to be closer to family in another country. It was hard for the first few years but now I wouldn't change it for anything. Grandpa was diagnosed with deadly cancer within days of us moving back. Children see family often, including cousins. I feel a sense of belonging that I never had (and never would have) in UK despite my best efforts. Financially not great but honestly doesn't feel as important anymore. Good luck.

Thelondonone · 28/01/2023 06:32

My parents are in the Uk but probably similarish in terms of time that it would take you to fly home. If you went back could you afford not to work and give care to your parents? I can’t afford not to work so my mum is in a care home. Maybe I’m selfish but I had lots of conversations with my mum (we knew what might happen) and she said to prioritise my children so I have. Would you want to care for them? Proper care not just making cups of tea. Do you want to spend more time with them? When my mum was well we probably saw them every month to 6 weeks.

Judgyjudgy · 28/01/2023 06:36

Oh that is so hard. Is there a way you can pay for them to have a career there and also fly back & firth frequently. I understand why they want to stay, but you probably need to to what's best for your children which I'm assuming will be to remain in the UK. I'm sure your parents will understand, but it's a very hard decision to make.

Mamaneedsadrink · 28/01/2023 06:39

What do your parents (the grandparents) think? Have you spoken with them? They might want you to stay in the UK if it is best for your children and you may be worrying for nothing

Mcmew · 28/01/2023 06:41

WalkingThroughTreacle · 27/01/2023 23:01

Personally, if I have to prioritise between my parents (or anyone else for that matter) and my own children then my children come first.

It's quite a complex, high emotional scenario, but i think it can be broken down into this simply - children over parents.

Moreover, your parents sound settled and have a social life etc. It's not necessarily the worst... you also migjy end up resenting them if your new lives in the Home country doesn't pan out. Maybe plan longer holidays each year.

Murdoch1949 · 28/01/2023 06:44

As your parents age, one in each couple dies, the surviving parent(s) may be more inclined to relocate to the UK.

wildlifeobserver1 · 28/01/2023 06:53

Definitely stay in the UK. You’ve you could go back and regret it, and would be more difficult and start again (ie get new jobs, get a house etc). You can always go visit regularly by using your annual leave. Your parents are still very young and could live to 95! Think about your own quality of life and that of your children, rather than sacrificing it for your parents.

your children will have better opportunities and quality of life here. So it’s feel like a step back

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 28/01/2023 06:53

Your children will be foreigners in your own country/city/area if you don’t move back while they are very young. Having said that, they will be foreigners as well if you stay here. It doesn’t matter really, the important thing is to have a “sense of belonging” and they will find that at home, with other families in similar circumstances and in their group of friends, wherever they are.

With the salaries you both have, you can pay for carers at home, possibly round the clock, you can provide them with better medical care and make frequents trips to see them. It seems to me you are acting according to what the local culture dictates: care for your elder at home? But honestly, that worked when most mums were SAHMs (and there was no financial possibility of paying for care). If you move back you may end up finding out that you cannot take care of them at home anyway but have much less money to provide them with good care and medical support.

YABU, stay where you are, you can provide better for your kids and parents with the income and lifestyle you have built up where you are now.

Foxywood · 28/01/2023 06:57

What support would your DPs be entitled to if they came here eg in their 80s - perhaps they are entitled to medical and social care but you should check.

orangegato · 28/01/2023 07:26

I’d leave if I could. It ain’t what it used to be and it’s going downhill fast, poverty, overpopulation, awful healthcare etc.

Wannakisstheteacher · 28/01/2023 07:29

I’d move back home. I think with Brexit etc the opportunities for children won’t be what they once were anyway. I’d rather my DC had stronger family relationships than us gave more disposable income.

user1471538283 · 28/01/2023 07:29

I think I would focus on what is best for the DC for their future. If you raise them here they will by default feel British because they are. What are their opportunities like in the home country?

It's very difficult for you.

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 07:31

Foxywood · 28/01/2023 06:57

What support would your DPs be entitled to if they came here eg in their 80s - perhaps they are entitled to medical and social care but you should check.

Can they even come? I know someone who wants to go to the UK but, since Brexit, they can't. They're just in their 40s.

Clarinet1 · 28/01/2023 07:32

My aunt (DM’s sister), her husband and son moved from the UK to Canada in the 50’s for
my uncle’s job. In those days even a phone call from abroad was a big event. They would visit every so often and wrote regularly. In her later years DGM would visit them for, say, 6-8 weeks in the winter but for a long time a lot of the care and assistance fell to my DM which she did find a bit of a strain and I do sometimes think that various upheavals my immediate family went through (whole other thread) would have been very different if I’d had an auntie and uncle down the road. However, it was just the way things were and we were used to it. I’ve never talked to my cousin about how he felt about not having his GPS close at hand so I don’t know what effect it had on him.
In your situation, perhaps the idea of extended visits to the UK for your DPs might be a compromise. It would mean you see them and the DCs get to keep up the language if that’s important to you.

LadyHarmby · 28/01/2023 07:33

I would do what is best for the children. Where will they get the best education, opportunities, lifestyle?

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 07:38

Clarinet1 · 28/01/2023 07:32

My aunt (DM’s sister), her husband and son moved from the UK to Canada in the 50’s for
my uncle’s job. In those days even a phone call from abroad was a big event. They would visit every so often and wrote regularly. In her later years DGM would visit them for, say, 6-8 weeks in the winter but for a long time a lot of the care and assistance fell to my DM which she did find a bit of a strain and I do sometimes think that various upheavals my immediate family went through (whole other thread) would have been very different if I’d had an auntie and uncle down the road. However, it was just the way things were and we were used to it. I’ve never talked to my cousin about how he felt about not having his GPS close at hand so I don’t know what effect it had on him.
In your situation, perhaps the idea of extended visits to the UK for your DPs might be a compromise. It would mean you see them and the DCs get to keep up the language if that’s important to you.

Same situation as your cousin here. It took me several decades to realise it but the loss of an entire extended family on both sides has had a profound effect on me. I feel like it's a wound that will never heal fully but I've found my own place in the world and am happy with where I'm at for the most part.

Adviceneeded200 · 28/01/2023 07:38

Do whats best for your children and once they are independent make a decision for yourselves, without affecting them to a major degree.

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